Children of the far-flung stars, these seven disparate beings must learn to co-exist for the sake of their adopted world of Earth! But have they been brought together by a quirk of fate, or something far more sinister...? MIKE SMITH presents the Next Best Thing to "Next Best Thing": THE INHUMAN CONDITION!

Smash Hit Disclaimer of 1938!: This story features Superman and the cast of the Tenchi Muyo! OAV series, which are trademarks of DC Comics and AIC/Pioneer LDC, Inc. You can figure out which bits were whose, I suspect. Anyway, this is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don't archive it without my permission. Don't be shy.

Valedictorian Continuity Note of the Class of 26,335 B.C.!: This story takes place between ACTION COMICS #773 and SUPERMAN v.2 #164, and sometime after Episode #13 of the Tenchi Muyo! OAV.

Questions? Comments? Whatever? Send it all on over to mike_p_smith@prodigy.net!

Original Tenchi Muyo! concept by Masaki Kajishima and Hiroki Hayashi
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster

Most of his enemies had families. They generally never worked out very well. Luthor had a wife and daughter, and he sold both of them out to acquire greater power. Brainiac learned of a descendant of his from the distant future, and used that relation to manipulate a squad of the Legion of Super Heroes to further his own twisted goals. Conduit became the monster he was in an attempt to lash out at the world for the verbal abuse his father had handed down to him over the years.

Washuu was different. Disparate as they were, her family worked. After he woke up in her lab and convinced the alien creature Ryo-Oh-Ki to remove the Kryptonite that she'd left there to keep him powerless, he escaped to find Washuu's base of operations was in a rural area of Japan of all places. Not a bunker or a stronghold in the middle of nowhere. Somebody's house. Somebody's home.

"Well, the other thing I need to explain is Mihoshi," Tenchi said as they walked down the path to his house. "See, the four of us, me, Ryoko, Ayeka, and Sasami, we'd almost gotten used to the idea of living together like this, and my dad even offered to take them along on our annual trip to the hot spring in the mountains. Long story short, Mihoshi fell on it."

He was Superman. His wife was the one who came up with the name, based on the fact that she had first seen him flying in the air and lifting aircraft like a normal person would rearrange furniture. Ever since, he'd dedicated his powers and abilities to defending Metropolis and the rest of the world from whatever menaces that threatened his home. After seeing Tenchi's home, and meeting a few of the people who lived there, he was starting to wonder how Washuu fit in as one of those menaces. "And how does she fit into the legend of the shrine?" he asked.

"She doesn't," Tenchi explained. "Not directly. Mihoshi's a Galaxy Police officer. She was assigned to patrol this sector of space, and somehow she must have lost control of her ship and literally dropped right out of the sky on us. Turned out she was searching for the most wanted criminal in their files, Kagato. Of course, she wasn't going anywhere after what happened to her ship, so we took her in until she figured out her next move."

"I've heard of the Galaxy Police," Superman nodded. In fact it was starting to give him an idea... "They do good work. I imagine it didn't take long for this Kagato person to turn up, though."

"Actually, he was looking for us," Tenchi answered. He pulled out his sword and held it up in his hand. "He... he was after power. Somehow he figured this sword would help him get it. It got kind of rough, and I almost got killed, but Ryoko and the others rallied--bought me enough time to learn how to defeat him, and... And that was how we met Washuu, because she when we defeated Kagato, we wound up freeing her from his ship."

"Ahh... so he was her assistant," Superman said. "Yes, my friend Jimmy got some of this from her when she revealed herself in Metropolis. And she said she was freed by a group of people, including a man from our planet... you, of course."

"Are you sure you understand all that?" Tenchi asked him again. "I mean, it's a lot to swallow all at once, I guess."

"No I think I've got it," Superman assured him. "Trust me, in my line of work, you while away a lot time trading origin stories. If you want convoluted, you should try talking to the Outsiders, or the Justice League's defunct European branch. It's a complicated story, but the bottom line is that you're a group of alien refugees living together on Earth, right?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Tenchi sighed. "Heh. It sounds kind of dumb when you put it like that."

"Not at all!" Superman objected. "I think it's a very noble thing what you're doing here, son. You're trying to do right by your family--both human and Jurai--not to mention quartering a Galaxy Police officer, rehabilitating a former criminal and helping them all adjust to life on this world. It says a lot about the kind of man you are. It's this Washuu thing I don't get."

He cupped his hands over his face. "Geez! I still can't understand how all this happened, Superman. She never expressed any interest in the outside world before. You gotta believe me, if I had known she was capable of something like this I would have--"

"Done what?" Superman asked. "After all, I'm Superman and it's been all I can do to keep up with her. No one's blaming you, Tenchi. Although I'm not sure what sort of ramifications she'll have to face once I'm finished putting a stop to her experiments in Metropolis. I'm willing to let this go as a misunderstanding--Lord knows we've had our fair share of confused aliens and absent-minded scientists in Metropolis--but it's not up to me. The proper authorities will have to make that decision, once I've figured out who that would be..."

He looked at Superman and took a deep breath. "Look, it's my responsibility. Whatever she's done, I can't abandon her now. I'll go with you to Metropolis, take the blame for what she's done."

Superman raised an eyebrow at this proposal. Somehow, he couldn't imagine Brainiac's landlord making a similar offer. "Well, you've certainly shown me a different side of Washuu, that she should have such a loyal friend in you, Tenchi. I'll see what we can do. Right now, I have a debt to repay."

They stopped at the house, and the cat-rabbit dashed out to them from the yard. Superman knelt down and reached into a pocket in the liner of his cape. "There's a good girl--Ryo-Oh-Ki, isn't it? Well, since you helped me out of a super-danger, I think it's only appropriate that you get a super-reward!" He pulled out a two-foot long carrot from behind his back, and presented it to the eager Ryo-Oh-Ki.

Her mouth gaped open in awe and wonder, and she took the massive carrot into her front legs, fondling the vegetable, and possibly contemplating how best to savor it. Superman stood back up and smiled. "There's this nice little farm in Chile I stopped at after I escaped, then I flew back here to find you. The owner was reluctant to part with a record breaking specimen, but after posing with it for a few photos, he agreed to let me have it."

"Huh. Well, you certainly figured out how to get on Ryo-Oh-Ki's good side, I'll say that," Tenchi chuckled. "I bet it'll be weeks before she'll be satisfied with normal-sized carrtos ever again!"

Ryo-Oh-Ki shifted her form into a humanoid toddler and raced into the house carrying the giant carrot high above her head, mewing triumphantly with her treasured prize. Superman and Tenchi followed her inside, and they headed for the kitchen. There, they found Sasami and Mihoshi, busily working on some nuance of food preparation.

"It won't (grrr!) open!" the tall blonde whined, wrestling with a bag of potato chips.

"Of course it will!" Sasami rallied. "They wouldn't sell them in bags like that if you couldn't get inside. Keep at it."

"But why can't you just do it for me?" Mihoshi asked.

The blue-haired child sighed. "Because I'm trying to teach you how to make this on your own. Trust me, tuna casserole is really easy to cook, Mihoshi, and you can make some when you're on those long patrols around the solar system. All you have to do is crush up the potato chips, add some cream of mushroom soup and--"

"If I'm just crushing these, why don't I do it before I open the bag, like this?" She laid the bag on the counter, and raised the handle of her sidearm over her head. "YAAA!" she cried, bringing the butt of the pistol down onto the immobilized bag, and bursting it wide open in a single blow.

Superman entered the room first, only to be met with a hail of smashed chips.

"Oops," Mihoshi squeaked.

"OK, so that leaves us with just one bag to work with," Sasami said, trying her best to maintain her professional-style composure, "but we can still make this work! I'll get you off of those nasty old reconstituted freeze-dried meals yet!" She turned to grab the surviving bag, but noticed the newcomer at the door first.

"You must be Sasami," Superman said, wiping off his chest and moving past the door so Tenchi could enter. He took the sides of his cape and curtsied for her. "It's an honor to meet you, Your Highness."

She giggled at the genteel display. "Tenchi! Is this a friend of yours from school?" she asked.

"Ah, not quite," Tenchi replied. "You see, his name is--"

"Oh... oh WOW!" Mihoshi screamed as she looked around to see him. Then she fainted dead away. Superman caught her in his arms before she could hit the floor.

"This is the Galaxy Police officer assigned to Earth sector?" he asked.

Tenchi and Sasami nodded in confirmation.

"Well, if I ever become vulnerable to snack foods, I'll know who to call," he chuckled. "Still, I'll want to have a talk with her... after she wakes up." He lifted the detective into his arms and carried her to a nearby couch in the living room. "First, I'd better check on Kelex in the lab. He should be just about ready by now..."

So far, everything had been working out just fine, Washuu thought. Now that that meddlesome Superman was out of the picture, she could finally concentrate on examining the nature of his city, and his effect upon its people.

For one thing, there had been a considerable increase in tension since she had captured Superman. Before, the townspeople were simply annoyed that they had been discolored. With Superman known to be missing, they had become fearful, as if turning blue could somehow be a fatal condition without their hero around to reverse it. It was interesting how casually they trusted him--particularly since they had no way of knowing if their condition was something he knew how to undo. And it was fascinating how easily they had learned to resent her--since they had just assumed that her actions were malevolent.

And no, she wasn't naive. She knew that her actions would be considered hostile by the test subjects. Centuries of experience had taught her that. The blue effect was hardly dangerous, or even mischievous, really. It was achieved as a result of an airborne vaccine she had scattered into the city's ventilation systems. Of course, the vaccine was for a disease that existed on a planet thousands of light-years distant, but it WAS a good deed in a sideways sense. Even now, Metropolis' own scientific minds were examining the effect for themselves and slowly arriving at the same conclusion. Once that information got out to the public, it would be most interesting to see what they thought of her then--

"Attention, Professor Washuu!"

The television she'd kept in her secret field lab crackled to life. She'd been using it to keep an eye on the people, but somehow the feed had been interrupted. It didn't take long for her to recognize who had done it, but his next words proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

"This is SUPERMAN. I'm sure you're watching this somewhere, Professor, so I'd like to direct your attention to my surroundings right now." On the screen, he stepped away to show off his makeshift studio, and Washuu gasped in shock.

He was in the lab. Her lab. Well, that wasn't the real surprise, since she had left him there to begin with, but that he had somehow managed to escape, and more--he had found a way to contact her from there... what was he up to?

"You see, Professor, when I found myself tied up here, I realized that you'd become so wrapped up in playing games in my home that you had left your own unattended. It's fallen into neglect, in my opinion. That's why I'm proposing a trade.

"Clearly, you can enter and leave Metropolis at will. And nothing I do seems to deter you, so I'm going to let you keep Metropolis. In exchange, I'm going to follow in your example and perform a little experiment of my own in your residence! Kelex?"

The camera view panned out to show one of her own computer consoles next to a jury-rigged dimensional portal. Superman touched a key and the portal crackled to life, showing a crystal clear view of some strange place she'd never seen before. It looked like Kryptonian architecture, and yet not quite--

"This is the interior of my home away from Metropolis, Washuu. I call it the Fortress of Solitude, in case you wanted to jot that down for your notes. Like your place, it's constructed within a pocket of space. But yours, I'm afraid, is contained in a rather inconvenient location for my needs, so I'm just going to take the whole thing and put it away for safe keeping." He fingered a few more keys, and the portal opening shifted to a massive door somewhere within his fortress.

"I imagine in your studies you've heard of the Phantom Zone, Professor? On Krypton, my ancestors used Phantom Zone projectors to dispose of unwanted materials by sending them to an interdimensional void. Matter and energy... USUALLY... don't stand up too well once it's inside the Zone, but I thought your lab might be big enough and sturdy enough to make the trip. Besides, it's not as if you'll be needing it. I just thought you'd like to know that all your prized and cherished possessions are in good hands." He held up his open palms and smiled broadly. "Mine."

She simply stared at the screen in disbelief. Was he bluffing? After all, she HAD known about the Phantom Zone, so that much was true, but how could he have arranged to use it like this? How did he even escape unless--?

She noticed a piece of a carrot on the floor beside his boot as he demonstrated his plan. Ryo-Oh-Ki. It didn't matter how or if she helped him, but the fact was that literally anyone in the house upstairs could have waltzed in and out of her lab while she was gone. There was no reason not to trust them. For all she knew Mihoshi or Tenchi or any one of them was working the camera as he spoke.

And he said he would send the entire lab into an interdimensional void. There was no mention about who or what might be in it when it happened. It was likely that he was bluffing, but if he wasn't--if one of her friends was lost forever because she had been careless...the risk was just too high. "You win," she mumbled.

"I'll be here for another twenty minutes in case you have any second thoughts about my little arrangement," Superman declared. "After that... well, if I ever drop in on Metropolis again, I'll look you up to see how things are going, OK?" With that, the signal flickered out, and regular programming was restored. A bewildered newscaster took his place, and she began commenting on what had just happened.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that disruption in our newscast, but as you have just witnessed, it appears that Metropolis' favorite citizen, Superman, appears to have outfoxed the mysterious visitor who has been terrorizing the city since yesterday evening--"

She whacked the set with the back of her hand, sending it careening to the floor, and made preparations to head back to her lab.

"I mean, what were you THINKING?! You could have gotten us all in a lot of trouble!"

She raised a finger to Tenchi's lips and waited for him to stop raving. "Tenchi. You're cute, but not that cute. Let's just get this ugly mess behind us, huh?"

"I'm for that," Superman agreed. "I'll be more than happy to remove the connection to the Fortress if and only if you agree to undo everything you've wrought in Metropolis. The Rail Whale, fix it. The animals in the zoo, back to normal. Any other surprises you left in the city," he drew a thumb across his throat. "Get the idea?"

"Already done. I DID promise nothing would be permanent, after all. Everything's either been deactivated or biologically restored. The skin discoloration will probably be gone by the time you get back. And then what?" Washuu asked innocently. "You're just letting me go?"

He clenched his fists and his eyes narrowed. "I'll let Detective Kuramitsu answer that one..." he grumbled.

Mihoshi stepped forward and put one hand to her hip, and held out a book in the other. "Right! Well, like I told Superman here... according to my Galaxy Police Remote Sector Patrol Guide, the matter of interspecies extradition is quite simple, really! See, since Earth is designated an interference-free-zone, Earth representatives have no voice in the processing of extraplanetary offenders delivered to a GP jurisdiction."

"Huh?" Tenchi asked.

"It means that by turning Washuu in to the Galaxy Police, Metropolis has no say in how she'll be punished," Superman explained. "Of course, I wouldn't even hand her over to you, except that I'm convinced that there isn't a conventional prison facility on this planet that could adequately contain her. And in most of these matters, the D.A. is generally just satisfied to get the offender off the planet and let someone else deal with it. Once I explain it to him, and after all the damage has been undone, I'm sure he'll settle for a house arrest, although I'll try not to mention that the house is in JAPAN..."

"You can visit me whenever you want," Washuu teased.

"Anyway," Mihoshi continued, "Since this is a special sector, without any official GP recognized courts, it falls to whatever Galaxy Police presence assigned to the planet to administer sentence. Hey, that's me!"

"Wait, so Mihoshi here decides what happens to me?" Washuu gasped.

"I'm sure she'll be open to suggestions from the lord of the manor," Superman added, motioning to Tenchi.

"Really!?" Mihoshi cheered. "Wow! Thanks, Tenchi! I could sure use some help with this. I don't think I've ever had to handle a sentencing a local offender before! So she turned some people blue, right? What would you say is a reasonable punishment?"

"Hmmmm... community service sounds good," Tenchi smirked. "And the toilet hasn't been looking as white and shiny as it could be..."

"You wouldn't!" Washuu pleaded.

"Twice a day, nothing but a old toothbrush," Tenchi said firmly. "And someone to watch to make sure you don't use any gadgets or tricks. Sounds like a good start, doesn't it, Mihoshi?"

"Oh, you ARE good at this, Tenchi!" Mihoshi said. "OK, I hereby order the sentence to be carried out immediately! C'mon Washuu, I'll watch you get to work..." She took the diminutive scientist by the ear and led her to the lift leading to the house.

"I'll GET you for this, Superman!" Washuu raved. "Mark my words, I'll--OW! I'm coming, I'm coming, Geez!"

"Superman?" Tenchi said. "I just wanted to apologize again for all the trouble we've caused you."

"As long as I'm not making a mistake turning her over to you, Tenchi," Superman replied, "then I'm willing to forget the whole thing. After all, it was talking to you that gave me the idea to do this. I was serious about no prison on Earth being able to contain her. Luckily for us, she's a lot more vulnerable to sentiment than most of the people I cross swords with. I'm counting on all of you to make sure she behaves from now on. And I know some people in the press," he added. "When I give them my story, I'll make sure not to mention this house or the others living here."

"Thanks. I think it'll work out OK," Tenchi said with a sigh of relief. "All I'm worried about is how I'm going to explain to Dad why we're making Washuu do all the chores. He'll freak out if I tell him you were here and he missed it."

Superman smiled. "Well, in that case, just to show there's no hard feelings," he pulled his cape free of his tights and bundled it up into his hands. "Here. I do this once in a while for some of my fans, but I think it makes a nice momento for a meeting between colleagues, right?" He presented it to Tenchi and shook it slightly, motioning for him to take it.

"Well, thanks! But 'colleague'?" he asked. "Who, me?"

"Well, along those lines," Superman shrugged. "You know, I wasn't much older than you when I found out that I wasn't quite of this Earth, and when I learned the responsibilities that went along with that knowledge." He placed the cape in Tenchi's hands and floated into the air, drifting for the exit to the lab. "We have to stick together, right?"

"Uh... OK."

"Let me know if Washuu gives you any problems!" Superman called as he flew away. "You can reach me care of the Daily Planet's Tokyo desk." And with that, he was gone.

Tenchi stood there watching Superman's robot collect the last of his equipment and carry it into the portal to his fortress. As it closed behind the robot, Tenchi held up the cape and looked it over. "Colleagues? He's kidding, right? Gotta be."

It was a lot of trouble to go to, but she knew it would be worth it in the end. To see her smug face dry up with utter fear. Once and for all that woman would pay for her crimes. And it would be Nagi who would see to it.

"Yeah, this has gotta be the place. Betcha could smell the clientele from the ionosphere."

So what if her usual mode of transportation was rendered inoperable. She had found another way. Accompanying her was a fat alien man with scaly yellow skin. While seeking transportation to Earth, he had offered his services, as well as information on the kind of beings that lived there. More to the point, when she admitted that the job might become complicated, he even agreed to help her locate a troubleshooter... someone to make the job a little easier on everyone involved. And so in his oddly designed spaceship, he took her to this... establishment, some fifty thousand light years from her destination. "If you're so sure he's here, K'raamdyn, what are we waiting for?" Nagi asked him coldly.

His reply was cut off as a man came flying out one of the windows of the building in a hail of breaking glass. "Yeah, that guy kinda covers my objections," K'raamdyn said meekly. "Y'know, there's no reason for me to go in there. I can take you wherever ya wanna go, but I leave the action to everybody else, y'know?"

"That may be," Nagi glowered at him, "but I where I want to go NOW is in there, and the man I wish to speak with is in there, and you're the one who knows who he is. You point him out to me, I take it from there."

"Sheesh... well, in that case, I'd lay good odds he's sitting by the window that guy just came through." K'raamdyn shuddered. "Let's just get this over with, OK?"

Nagi entered the bar without hesitation, striding across the room and shoving aside anyone who stood in her way. K'raamdyn followed behind, although his demeanor was far less confident. At last she stopped at a booth in the corner, where a large, hairy man sat with his legs propped up on the table.

He was picking his nose.

"Is this the... man?" Nagi asked, finding a new lower limit to the use of that word.

"Hominahominahomina..." was all the cabbie could say.

"Oh, I'm The Man all right," he finally declared, withdrawing his finger from his nostril. "The question is what makes you such a gutsy broad to come this close to a guy like me? You better have one hot bod under that poncho, babe. Or a briefcase fulla cash. Or a waitress uniform, and my refill." He held up a chipped mug and swished around the small volume of liquid remaining inside.

"I have a job for you. There's a bounty I'm trying to collect. Word has it that you know your way around the part of space I'm headed. Help me, and I'll give you a cut of the profits."

"Baby, I know my way around a LOT of places, if ya catch my drift," he grimaced. The man lit a cigar and took a few puffs, then leaned over to get a closer look at Nagi's exposed knees. "Any chance we're headed for the Final Frontier...?"

Nagi drew her sword and clubbed him over the head with the hilt. "Arrrgh!" he cried out, biting his cigar off at the tip from the sudden impact. He sat up again and started choking on the piece of the stogie, then swallowed it. "Fetal's gizz!" he shouted. "You got any idea how much them cancer sticks COST?"

"For the prize I'm after, you can buy enough to last the rest of your miserable little life," she offered. "Providing that you can keep your mind on your business. And that you know how to handle the locals on 'The Earth'."

His lips curled into an obscene grin. "Earth, huh? Lotta tough bastiches on that backwater mudball, babe. Great place to go when you need to let off a little steam, you know? Woulda gone there last week just to bust some heads, but my ride's in the shop for repairs. I been stranded here for days, gettin' piss drunk on this swill."

"I've arranged transportation," Nagi said, nudging K'raamdyn forward to demonstrate. "He knows the way, but I needed some extra muscle to keep the locals off my back. Fifty-fifty split, and his fee comes out of my half. Interested?"

"Is the Great Bird of the Galaxy best served with eleven herbs and spices?" he spat. "Hadn't had that good an offer since the last time I teamed up with one of my colleagues. Course, he was more'n happy to give me eighty percent once I broke a few of his ribs. What's got you so generous?"

"It's personal," Nagi replied. "And it could redeem my professional reputation. So do we have an agreement, or what?"

He licked the dried liquor from his mustache and wiped the saliva off with his arm, then handed it to her in response. "You got yourself a partner, babe. Just take me to the planet, and leave the heavy duty fraggin' to an old pro. And if ya treat me nice, I may show you why they call me 'The Main Man', huh? So who's the lucky stiff?"

Nagi ignored his open hand and pulled out a data file from under her cloak. "Here," she said, placing it in his palm. "She's been out of circulation for seven hundred years, so the graphical representation may be out of date. Her name is... Ryoko."

"Kinky..." he mused, reading over the report.

NEXT: CATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! CATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!