Oh So Human Disclaimer: This story features Superman and the cast of the Tenchi Muyo! OAV series, which are trademarks of DC Comics and AIC/Pioneer LDC, Inc. You can figure out which bits were whose, I suspect. Anyway, this is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don't archive it without my permission. Don't be shy.

To Err is the Continuity Note: Sing it with me... This story takes place some time after SUPERMAN v.2 #165 and OAV Episode #13. Maybe you're not sick of it yet, but I've been writing that for over a year now. In fact, screw it. This story takes place after the final episode of "I Love Lucy", but before Wolverine got that brown costume. Somewhere in there.

Archive Lovin', Website Pluggin': "http://www.tmffa.com/x-inhuman_condition.html". And yeah, it's only the first five parts or so, but if you wanna get in on the ground floor, there you go. Give the guy a break, the site's HUGE.


Original Tenchi Muyo! concept by Masaki Kajishima and Hiroki Hayashi
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster


The Inhuman Condition: 14
UNNECESSARY--the ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN!

by Mike Smith


His name was Noboyuki Masaki, and no one ever told him anything.

Take the knock on the door, for instance. He had expected the delivery man, bringing him that new car stereo Pioneer had come out with, and he'd anxiously flung the door open, figuring he'd spend the rest of the day installing it into his car. Might even get his son to help him out with it, and spend some quality time with the boy. He _was_ quite the ladies' man these days, but male bonding was important for a kid his age. And he needed someone to read the instructions to him as he worked.

It wasn't the delivery man. No, it was a pair of aliens in Halloween costumes. And it wasn't Halloween. They handed him a wreath and a basket of fruit. Neither appeared to be composed of any plant life he had ever seen before. His son probably knew what this was all about, but nobody ever told him anything. The man in the biker outfit and KISS makeup spoke first.

"Well, go on."

"This is stupid. You do it," the lady in the black poncho murmured.

"They gave you the card, babe."

She sighed, and held up a three-by-five notecard to her face. "Hello, sir or madam. It has come to our attention that we have mistakenly apprehended a member of your household to stand trial before the Galactic Tribunal," she read in an apathetic tone. "We at the Tribunal pride ourselves on being a bastion of justice and equity throughout the universe, and therefore we deeply regret that an error was made by our beauracracy. Please forgive the inconvenience towards you and your loved ones, and please accept as a token of our appreciation this deluxe fruit basket and decorative wreath, presented by the parties held responsible for the erroneous arrest."

Noboyuki looked down at the gifts in his hands and then back at the pair at his doorstep. "Ah... OK," he said slowly.

"And let me add this," the woman said, her voice recovering from the recitation, "You tell Ryoko that this isn't over. She may have fooled the Tribunal, but not me, got it? Not me. I'll hunt her to the ends of

time and space if I have to. She'll never be safe from me. Not ever."

"What she said," the man added with a grin. "Frag ya later."

Before he could ask what this was about, she reached into the house and grabbed the door, pulling it shut with a slam. Noboyuki was left staring at the door trying to figure out what had just happened. Ryoko probably knew, but then, nobody ever told him anything.

He hadn't always been out of the loop. It had apparently begun with his wife, he realized. They married, had a son, and she died when he was a boy. Fortunately, her father had been there to help raise the child, and he and Noboyuki grew quite close over those years. He was like a second father to him, not just an in-law. All around, a pretty swell guy.

From outer space.

He had to keep adding that to his assessment of anything these days. His father-in-law was a challenging chess opponent, and perhaps the wisest man he'd ever met. From outer space. It was like when he used to read fortune cookies with his college buddies and they'd add the phrase "in bed" to the end of the fortune. "Things are looking up for you--in bed." "The only woman I ever loved was the daughter of a shrinekeeper--from outer space."

It wasn't that it mattered much to him. But there were times that it became disorienting to him. Like the bright blue object in the fruit basket that looked like a kind of orange. Was it edible? If so, could he eat the peel?

Similarly, his father-in-law had come to earth with a Secret Plan to Save Outer Space. It involved Noboyuki, primarily in that he would have a son and work at an architecture firm so he could buy groceries for the boy, thus sustaining him when it came time for him to Save Outer Space. That part he didn't mind so much. After all, he would have done that anyway, and now it gave him a sense of pride knowing that when he was pulling in a half hour of overtime at work or buying a Snickers bar at the store he was helping to preserve peace throughout the universe. Or something.

The problem was that this made him a lowly grunt in the operation. Nobody needed to tell him what was going on. He only recently found out that his father-in-law and son were part alien, and that was mostly because it was becoming too obvious for them to keep it from him. They didn't come out and SAY it, probably because they didn't want him to worry, but he knew. That many girls living under one roof, nothing could stay secret for too long.

The girls... from outer space. He still didn't get that part fully. His guess was that they were part of some elaborate alien mating ritual his father-in-law had set up. His son would get one after some sort of process of elimination, and the rest would join him in his life of crime-fighting. Or something like that. Again, whatever it was, it was part of the Secret Plan to Save Outer Space, so he didn't ask. And it gave him a sense of pride that he was contributing to the evaluation process whenever he happened to catch a glance at one of them bending over to pick up a laundry basket. Yeah, pride. Definitely pride.

Again, none of this would even matter to him, except it forced him to wonder just how well he knew his wife when she was alive, and how well he knew his son now. If oranges were blue, would they still be called oranges?

"I'm home!"

The announcement shattered Noboyuki's train of thought, as his son came bounding into the house. Tenchi patted him on the back, "Are you OK, dad? Why are you just standing in front of the door like that?"

Before he could greet his son, Ayeka--one of the girls (from outer space) living in their house--approached the pair. "Lord Tenchi," she said meekly.

"Any word?" he asked as he pulled off his coat to hang it up.

She looked down at the floor. "I'm afraid not. Miss Washuu has been locked away downstairs all night and all day. If she's found anything, she hasn't told anyone else."

Tenchi let out frustrated sigh. "This is driving me NUTS. We should be doing something, not just sitting around going about our routine like nothing's happened. I should have come along... this place could have gotten along without me for a while, that's for sure."

Noboyuki raised an eyebrow at that. When he said "this place", was he talking about his home? Or the Earth? Before he could ponder it further, Ayeka began to weep.

"No, you couldn't have... it's all my fault. If I had been more responsible for my actions Sasami wouldn't be... oh, Tenchi, if anything happens to her--!"

"She'll be fine, Ayeka," Tenchi said firmly, grasping her by the shoulders. "I promise you that. I don't how, but I'll find a way--"

Noboyuki coughed slightly. "Ah, son, I'm not sure what this is all about, but I thought maybe this might have something to do with it." He held up the fruit basket and the wreath. "A couple of strange characters just dropped this off before you arrived."

"What?" Tenchi looked at the strange assortment of food and spotted a note on the plastic wrapping. He pulled it off and began reading it. "--come to our attention... please forgive the inconvenience... ERRONEOUS ARREST?! Dad, do you know what this means?!"

"Things will be looking up for you?" he asked innocently.

"It means they must have let Ryoko go!" Tenchi shouted. "So at least we know she's not gonna get executed or anything. But if she's been freed, why hasn't she come back yet? And why hasn't Superman let us know what's been happening?"

"Superman?" Noboyuki asked.

"Unless... something might have happened to them on the way back," Ayeka suggested.

"It's the only explanation," Tenchi agreed. "We have to look for them now. Go and get Washuu. We need to let her know what's going on."

Ayeka nodded and made her way to the door underneath the stairs. Noboyuki grabbed Tenchi by the arm before he could do anything else. "Tenchi, what's going on here? Where is everybody, and what's Superman got to do with it?"

He looked at him and his face twisted in embarrassment. "Well, uh, dad... it's kind of complicated. We have to go out for a while. Are you and Grandpa gonna be OK by yourselves?"

"Go out Where? Is this another one of your grandfather's things?"

Tenchi slapped his forehead. "That's right, I forgot all about that. Hang on, Dad, I'll be right back." He broke free from his grip and raced to his bedroom upstairs. Noboyuki stood there perplexed for about two minutes, and at last Tenchi came back down with a length of bright red fabric billowing in his wake. He handed it to him. "You were at work when he showed up, but I told him you were a big fan, so he left you this as a souvenir."

Noboyuki held it up and found a familiar yellow patch on the cloth. It was a stylized "S" in a pentagon. "You mean... he was here?"

Tenchi nodded.

"My son is friends with Superman?" he asked. A smile was starting to grow on his face.

"Uh, well I'm not so sure you'd call it that..." Tenchi stalled. "But he did go with Mihoshi and Sasami to help save Ryoko, and now we have to go help him. If that's OK with you, I guess."

He looked at him in astonishment. "Geez, Tenchi, I don't even know how to answer that. If you think you can do it, I guess you should. I didn't realize you were that powerful."

"I don't know that I am," Tenchi said, scratching the back of his head. "It kinda creeps me out to think about it. To be honest, I didn't think you were all that interested yourself. I didn't wanna force all this alien stuff on you all at once..."

He grinned and put his arm around the boy. "Son, I've been used to this sort of thing since I met your mother!" he assured. "Maybe I didn't KNOW it, but I suppose I've been adjusting to it ever since. Just do what you have to do. I'm sure you'll make me proud, even if I don't know exactly why."

Tenchi's awkward appearance suddenly returned to the determined grimace he had been wearing before. "Thanks, dad. I'll be back before you know we're gone!" And he rushed to the stairs to enter the door underneath.

Noboyuki stood there watching his son mobilize for action, then he headed for the kitchen. With luck, he'd be able to find something palatable in this basket yet... even if it was from outer space.


"What do you MEAN," you can't find them?! "That's my SISTER out there somewhere!"

Washuu glared at Ayeka with tired, green eyes. "Well, if it's a family matter, I guess that should make this easier somehow. Yes, the power of love and deoxyribonucleic acid will solve this one lickety split. You're a genius, princess."

"What's our situation," Tenchi asked as he entered the lab.

"Well, our Lady Ayeka was just suggesting that I scan the search parameters for the unique genetic code of Sasami, because they're related. Never mind the fact that she'd be with freaking SUPERMAN and he'd stick out like a sore thumb even if my instruments WERE precise enough to do the job."

Ayeka's growl subsided into sorrow. "I'm sorry, Miss Washuu, I didn't mean to imply--"

"THAT, and it would help if I think warm fuzzy thoughts while I approach the problem. Which is pure brilliance really, except that I've been DOING that for TWENTY-FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT. I can't sense Ryoko or Ryo-Oh-Ki telepathically, which suggests they're somehow out of range--which is possible, since I never had a chance to test it--or their powers have been neutralized in some way. Or they're dead, but that shouldn't bother ME in the least, RIGHT?"

"Listen, we're all a little on edge here," Tenchi said carefully. "Maybe you should get some rest, Washuu, and we'll--"

"I don't NEED rest," she snapped. "What I need is--" she stopped suddenly, closing her eyes tightly, and then jerked her head to one side. Then she opened her eyes, looking considerably more relaxed. "What I need is help. And I think I know where we can get it."

"Where?" Tenchi asked.

"Metropolis," Washuu grinned. "During my experiments there, I learned of a man that worked for Superman, creating weapons and tools for him to use in his work. With his patron missing, I'm sure he'd be willing to assist us in our search. He might even know something about this 'Tribunal' that started this whole mess."

"Why should he want to help us?" Ayeka asked. "Didn't you alienate everyone in that city with your maddening tests?"

Washuu snarled at Ayeka, as if to tear into her once again with a frustrated rant. Instead, she merely turned away from her, and looked down at the computer screen she had been working at. Then at the gargantuan aquarium tanks stretching out across the breadth of the laboratory, and finally at a half-eaten carrot left on the floor. "Yes," she said. "I suppose I did burn my bridges at that. But he has to help us anyway. He has no choice... I have no choice."

"Little Washuu, I--" Tenchi's attempt to comfort her was refused, as Washuu waved a hand to dismiss him and picked up a wire bent into a star shape from a nearby desk.

"The dimensional portal should be able to get us close to his headquarters," she said. "After that, we can track down it's exact location by scanning for distinct energy signatures generated by Kryptonian technology. I suggest the two of you prepare for a long trip. I'll be waiting here when you're ready."

Tenchi and Ayeka headed for the exit to the lab, and Ayeka leaned closer to him to speak softly. "She's taking this rather hard, Lord Tenchi. I don't think I've ever seen her like this."

"No. Me either," he answered quietly. As Ayeka entered the lift to be carried back to the Masaki house, Tenchi lingered behind just long enough to hear a mutter echo from the halls of the lab.

"Damn family... nothing but trouble." The tone suggested that the speaker was trying to hold back a sob with little success.

Had the situation not been so dire, Tenchi imagined that a smile would be on his face at that.


Metropolis!

The city had seen many changes in it's long and storied history, but it still remained a haven for immigrants coming from vast distances, yearning to be welcomed onto a new land. Small wonder that it was the most popular city in the world, with residents hailing from all over not only the rest of the United States, but the rest of the globe as well.

And a few notable visitors from beyond. Tenchi, Ayeka, and Washuu all emerged from the dimensional gateway in the middle of an alley somewhere in the city. Unlike most of the tourists, however, they would have to steal into town in secret.

"So where is this place?" Ayeka asked, still straightening the tunic of her Juraian battle armor.

"Suicide Slum is what the natives call it," Washuu replied. "I never looked into why. Luckily, we're just a few meters away from our destination. Come on."

Ayeka motioned for them to wait, as she turned back to the dimensional portal and stuck her head back inside. "The coast is clear, you may come out now," she called.

Before Tenchi could ask, a pair of massive ivory colored blocks came floating out of the portal, descending to either side of Ayeka. One was adorned with a blue symbol, the other with a red one.

"Azaka and Kamadake?" Tenchi asked. They were Ayeka's mechanical bodyguards. Though they sort of resembled alien vending machines or clothes dryers, they possessed considerable power in contrast to their sedimentary appearance. Still, it begged the question-- "Why did you bring them along?"

"I thought we might need them," Ayeka said innocently. "After all, it hardly fits their programming to stay behind while one princess heads off in search of the other."

"Hardly," Azaka added, a light on its surface blinking in time with its sibilance.

"I couldn't live with myself," Kamadake blinked.

"Is it in their programming to draw even MORE attention to us?" Washuu scolded. "It's not like we blended in with the locals to begin with, you know..."

"Babylon 5 RUUUUULLLES!" a passerby shouted, waving to the five of them from the mouth of the alley. "Slammin' costumes!"

"You were saying?" Ayeka asked.

"Let's just get this over with," Tenchi suggested, moving on to the main street. He did feel pretty silly wearing the Jurai outfit in public--even if it was strangely comfortable in a subconscious way--but the simple fact was that they didn't have time to worry about looking conspicuous. Fortunately, it didn't take long to find what they were looking for. It was the golden, crystalline building two blocks down the road. And three people were already there on the steps to the front door.


[interlude one]

He woke up to find himself bolted down to a metal surface of some kind. He flexed his wrists, and snapped the restraints in less time than it took to tell. He stood up and shook his head, trying to remember what had happened to him. It didn't take long. He had someone to jog his memory.

"Ah, awake, are we? And free to resume your crusade against injustice, you might suppose. Well, it doesn't work that way this time, Man of Steel."

Legion. He could hear his voice, but he couldn't pinpoint the source. It was as if his voice were speaking to him from every direction at once. Almost like surround sound stereo, but the faint electronic crackle was absent from his taunting.

Superman looked around to get an idea of where he was, but that too was a mystery. His telescopic vision could see for hundreds of miles, but past a few feet, there was simply nothing to see. Before he could put this frustration into words, Legion beat him to it.

"By now there must be so many questions on your mind. 'Where am I? How did I come to be here? How will I escape?' Let me make this clear for you. None of those questions will be answered. Not now, not ever. You'll be leaving this little arena I've devised, but only when it suits my purposes. Not yours."

"Who are you?" Superman demanded. "And what have you done to Ryoko and the others?"

A sigh in response to this. "Of course. I'd neglected to consider your selflessness. Come now, Man of Steel, you can drop the act. You're all alone now--even moreso than usual for the last living Kryptonian. All that banal concern for your 'fellow man' is wasted here. As for your tactical assessments--trying to learn more about your enemy to facilitate your eventual counterattack--it's pointless. I've already won. I just wanted to perform an autopsy on your rotting corpse for my own amusement."

"For someone who seems to have such a grudge against me," Superman replied, "you sure don't seem to know me very well. I don't give in so easily."

"Of course you don't. Able to leap the tallest buildings in a single bound, that's what they say about you on Earth, isn't it? They keep building them taller and taller, but you always manage to keep a few inches higher, don't you? It's an excellent metaphor for you, the man who considers 'quit' to be a four letter word. You just keep on going, full speed straight ahead. It's laughable. Nothing stands in your way, not even your precious ethics."

"Is that what this is about?" Superman asked. "The ghosts of the beings I killed?"

"No," Legion answered. "General Zod, Quex-Ul, and Zaora are a valued resource in my vendetta, and staunch allies in the war against you, Kryptonian. But I approached them, and not the other way around. You see, you've made a lot of enemies in your career, Superman. You've liberated worlds from the yoke of tyranny, unseated despots, smashed countless armies and the warlords who command them. You ask me who I am as if you expect to recognize me somehow. Is it so surprising that your exploits would attract the attention of a man you've never met?"

"Then why--?"

"I knew of your great power and fighting spirit only recently. I decided you might be of use to me in furthering my ambitions. Much as I decided your friends would be useful to me as well. But I prefer to pull the strings on puppets I understand. For the others, this was a simple matter. Ryoko's early developments were recorded in scholastic journals, so it was merely a matter of finding such ancient tomes and having them translated. And of course, those reports were written by the unparalleled Professor Washuu, so in researching the one, I gained an insight on the personality of the other. And of course, those two live in the company of a Galaxy Police officer, your Detective Mihoshi Kuramitsu. And every good police officer files reports to headquarters. All I had to do was obtain a copy and learn what I needed to know, not only about the professor and her changeling progeny, but about the royal family of Jurai and their contact with the Earth. Each of them has their part to play in my plans. But you, Superman, you were a more difficult prospect. No one keeps an accurate and exhaustive record of YOUR actions."

"Hmmph, it was in all the papers," Superman grunted. He knelt down onto the metal plate he'd been bound to before, and began feeling it with his hands.

"Hardly sufficient to my needs," Legion scoffed. "The journals on Earth focus exclusively on the events that take place on Earth. Very isolated, that world, but then they can afford to be, seeing as their species number into the billions. No, what I required was something that had been following you out into the cosmos. Something that had been following you since very early on in your career as Superman. As you might have guessed by now, I'm somewhat proficient in the ways of magic. Using certain skills I possess, I contacted the netherworld, searching for wandering souls who might aid me in my search. And lo and behold, I found them!"

Superman paid no attention to his words, instead examining the metal plate with his x-ray vision. He knew magic was part of Legion's arsenal from when he confronted them in the steakhouse and he couldn't see past the veil of distortion surrounding Legion's body. It made him impossible to identify, and even more frustrating to deal with since he was being held captive by an enemy he knew so little about. His only edge was that Legion might underestimate Superman's experience with magic based power, and he could find a weakness that might allow him to escape--

His train of thought was cut off when a cold hand grasped him by the shoulder. Invulnerable as he was, the chill seemed to reach the very core of his being. He turned around with a shiver, but even before he saw them he had a pretty good idea who it would be.

"Welcome, murderer," Zod snarled. Flanking him were Zaora and Quex-Ul, each of them bearing twisted, bitter expressions to match their leader's. "Welcome to hell."

[interlude ends]

Her name was Natasha Irons, and this was the best story she'd heard in a long time.

To her left sat the impeccable Boris. That wasn't his name, but she called him that anyway. It was really Paul, but she had to call him Boris because the sword was named Boris. And "Paul the Sword" was just goofy. Besides, this was all to make sure that the arch-villain Kagato didn't find out about the true power of the space-tree Tsunami, when the crown prince of planet Jurai came to Earth and began training his grandson to defeat the powerful foe.

Well, no, she was just making that up. The truth was it was this Tenchi guy who was named after a magic sword, and he had come all the way to her home to get her help. Of course, he and his friends first spent several seconds babbling to her and Boris in Japanese. Or Chinese. Or Farsi. She was too busy staring at their Shakespeare in the Park costumes to care. Finally, the guy slapped his forehead and said something to the little red-haired girl, and she tapped her forehead twice and suddenly they were speaking.

"--was TRYING to ask them if they wanted to see my magic sword," was the first words she understood him saying. It was love at first sight. Not the love between a man and a woman, but the love between a sarcastic girl and a boy wearing a giant sandwich board that read "NO CLUE".

Fast forward to now, and they were just finishing up their little story. It was all about space pirates and space police and space princesses and the floating washing machines that protected them and how it was imperative that they head out into space and save their very special space friends. Just to make things even more clear, the girl with the purple hair even showed them a photo of the whole group.

"What do you think?" Boris asked, holding up the photo so she could see it. Despite the obvious urgency of the three newcomers, he never stirred from his relaxed slouch on the steps. Courage under fire, that was Boris.

She looked over the picture of Tenchi surrounded by five girls of varying ages, including the two flanking him now. "I think Clueless Lad's shown a lot of folks his magic sword from the looks of this, Boris. You think I'd fit in?"

"You're what we call high maintenance," Boris replied. "I don't think he'd be able to show you the attention you deserve."

"You're just upset because the shoe's on the other foot," Natasha smirked. "You can hide your eyes under all that hair, but we all knew you had 'em locked on that spandex-wearing underage hottie from the other universe. How can a gentle flower of womanhood such as myself deal with that kind of message, Boris?"

"Heh. You think this has to do with the Thunderbolts?"

"Pish! Who cares? Those guys are strictly passe. Besides, I got my own hottie in a ballerina costume to sweep me off my feet. A whirlwind courtship where we go for rides on his flying washing machine and we look down on all the little people without magic swords. Thunderbolts is mad Jersey City stuff, Boris."

"Yeah, I miss them, too," Boris chuckled. "Don't mind her, folks. She's just choked up with emotion right now. It happens to all of us. Let me make sure I'm up to speed, though. You're aliens from outer space and you need to go save your sister... your daughter... and the police officer who stays in your house." Each of them nodded as he pointed to them in sequence. "Well, I'm sold," he shrugged, reaching under his back to get a pair of placards laying on the steps beneath him. "Perfect ten. The robot special effects, the universal translator malfunction, it's a very well-crafted story. Natasha?"

"Nine-four," she harumphed.

"Such a critic," Boris sighed, putting the cards back down next to him.

"I mean, come ON," she objected. "Yeah, this is the best performance art I've ever seen, but if they needed a handout, why not just go to the Pawn Shoppe and sell off Pixie and Dixie here? It's TOO good. I don't get it."

"We are NOT for sale," the left machine announced, a red light blinking as it spoke.

"Right, Princess?" the other one asked nervously.

The purple-haired girl put a hand to her face and began to turn red. "We're NOT vagrants, you little--" she stopped short and then lowered her voice. "That is to say... we're telling you the truth, madam. It is imperative that we speak with the proprietor of this establishment. Now can either of you help us or not?"

"Yeah, I alienated everyone in this town, Ayeka," the redhead scolded. "But feel free to pick off anyone I might have missed."

"We should have brought Superman's cape with us to prove our story," Tenchi mused. "I'm not used to getting help from other Earthlings. Heh. Guess I've been taking all this stuff for granted lately."

"I think he just said the magic word," Boris said.

"Of course," Natasha groaned. "This is Blue's posse, right? See, this is why no one takes these guys seriously. You call up to come visit, and you go 'Hello, Dr. Irons, is Natasha home?'. Uncle John's pals come over and they get all mad poetic with the 'BEHOLD! I am Plunger Boy and these are the Plunger Dancers! Verily, deliver unto me this John Henry Irons, that we might converse with him over weighty matters of considerable import!'" She slowly rose to her feet and walked up to the door. "Well, let's get on with it. C'mon guys, you said you wanted to meet the man, didn't you? Natasha Irons, plucky young tour guide welcomes you to the friggin' Steelworks."

The three of them and their mechanical entourage looked at each other on the sidewalk for a few seconds and then they started to make their way to the door. Boris stood up and joined them. "I think I'd like to see how this turns out," he suggested. "Besides, it gets lonely out here rating the homeless by myself. Not much precision to it."

"Hmmph. Insanely jealous, like I been saying," Natasha scoffed. "So whaddyou think, Boris?" She held up the photo and pointed at it as they all walked inside. "Who's Plunger-Boy gonna end up with?"

"Miss Natasha!" Purple-Hair shouted from behind. "That's hardly any of your concern, especially given the dire situation we're in! Besides, I think the answer to that should be patently obvious..."

"That's not what it's about," Boris replied. "It's about trees. And carrots. And bears. In nature, just about the dumbest thing you can do is get between a mother bear and her cub. Family values transcends species. You try to mess with that, you're just asking for it."

"Can we get ON with this?" the redhead fumed. "I didn't come here for a sociology lesson... Not this time around, anyway..."


It was fearsome to say the least. Here they were deep in the heart of a hostile city on an alien world--a part of it where even Tenchi needed translation technology just to keep up with the locals--and they were being led inside a bizarre fortress to find the one person who might be able to help them with their problem. Worse, their guide had insisted that she leave her guardian robots outside while they traversed the hallway to find this man.

"I honestly don't see why this place couldn't have been built to accommodate larger objects," she grumbled.

"Ah, don't be such a worrywart, Ayeka," Washuu shot back. "It's not like we really needed those big logs following us around anyway. Besides, it just goes to show that you're better off adopting a more compact design."

In response, two small robots appeared from out of nowhere and perched on her shoulders. "Good things come in small packages, Washuu!" one of them cried out.

"Small packages created by a GENIUS!" the other added.

"Would you PLEASE shut those things up?" Natasha fumed from the front of the line. "Pish! Like I need a reminder you think your God's gift to everything every five minutes."

She'd been too hard on Washuu earlier, she could see that now. Obviously she was trying to cover up her own concern by throwing herself at the situation like an exercise in long division. Truth be told, Ayeka often did the same thing herself, only barking commands or pouting when she didn't get her way. Of course it never accomplished anything outside of Juraian circles, but it was a good way to vent. The truth was she knew full well that Azaka and Kamadake would make little difference now. She just brought them along because there was nothing else she could contribute. And they sort of worked like an old security blanket, absorbing her frustrated pouting and offering a small sense of stability.

And Tenchi? He seemed quite comfortable with the situation. He was worried like the rest of them, of course, but now that he was taking action, even if it was just to walk down a corridor to ask someone else to take action, he was more at ease. And as alien as the surroundings were to her--as if to illustrate her point a bug looking machine flew past them, aiming a camera lens at each of them as it went by--it must have seemed fairly sensible to him. At least compared to the strange things he had witnessed since they had met. At least this weirdness was homegrown to him.

They passed a series of open doors, and she peeked in as they went along. In one, an elderly fellow was stroking his gray beard as he looked over a selection of strange mechanical arms hanging from a rack. Finally he chose one and attached it to a stub where his original arm must have once been. Another room was full of nothing but toasters of different shapes and sizes. They all were covered in scorch marks that suggested they failed to perform as expected. A third room contained an armchair and a television set, and the walls were decorated with framed photographs of different people, almost like Tenchi's home back where they had been.

It occurred to her that perhaps this was the common thread that bound the human species together. They were all so used to normal situations that when something bizarre presented itself, they did their best to treat it like an everyday thing. Noboyuki, Tenchi, Natasha... they all were confused at one point or another, but if they were at all disturbed, they never seemed to let on. Maybe it was because they could count on each other to keep up the facade. Assuming it was a facade...

All she had to connect with on this world was Sasami. And she was missing. In the end, she didn't care how odd or eccentric or sarcastic these people were. If he could help her find her sister, Washuu's marker could play with all the metallic doo-dads he liked.

"Last chance to back out, pals and gals," Natasha announced, waving a hand in front of a large door. "Uncle John's behind this door."

"You hear that, Tenchi?" Washuu glowered. "Well, we came all the way here and saw the nice door, so it's been a rich full day. What say we head back home while Miss Mensa figures out what to do next."

"Y'know, Red," Natasha smiled, "ditch those action figures on your shoulders and I think I might get to like you... anyway, since you guys have no sense of theatrics..."

She keyed a few buttons on a wall-mounted panel and the door slid open. On the other side was revealed a room lit up with an assortment of colored lights from every surface. Mechanical arms whirred as they strained to move hulking pieces of equipment from the floor to a second level twenty feet above their heads. The centerpiece of this entire display of technological wizardry was a circular platform housed in the middle of the room, where a figure draped in metallic objects and a red strip of cloth had his arms raised as if he was holding the whole thing together by force of will.

"Niiiiice," Tenchi said after a whistle of awe.

"Astonishing," Ayeka gasped, her voice barely audible over the electronic buzzes and the computerized vocal readouts that permeated the area.

"Quaint," Washuu harumphed. "But retro is fashionable in these parts from what I hear."

In the center of the room stood a metal figure with its arms raised high into the air. Electricity leaped out from just about every corner of the place and struck the figure all across its surface. "Is that--?" Tenchi tried to ask, but found himself drowned out by the loud crackle of energy. "Is that him?!" he shouted.

Natasha rolled her eyes and smirked at them. "Yeah, it's him all right. Unc, I'd like you to meet Plunger Boy and the Plunger dancers. P.B.? This is Steel."


NEXT: Professional Courtesy

Continue To Chapter Fifteen