Inside the Outs

Tonight my heart is hurting. And I know why, it is the consequence of lost time.

Yet I have learned of a paradox, there is no gain without loss. You see, I am a

husband, a father, a son, a brother, a grandson, an uncle, a nephew, and even a

friend to all. And I have learned how precious the honor is, being so many wonderful

dispositions incorporated into one body, one man. And it took losing the privilege

of it all, to realize how glorious of an honor it is being so blessed. 0 I am still

all those things, yet I have failed in the duties, in the role of them ail, in many

ways. Yet I now know the error of my ways. For pride and vanity destroys the truly

wonderful things in life. And how pain destroys pride and vanity, therefore I will

accept the pain any day. For I'd much rather hurt and be real, than to be vain and

have nothing. And amidst this pain of lost time, of separation from loved ones, from

freedom, I have discovered what honesty is and what a lie is not. I have found I am

unconditionally loved by my Father in heaven. I have found He is very real and very

much so, present with me. And the beauty is. He has removed the scales from my eyes.

This I have found, if there were no wounds, there would be no pain, and if no pain,

there couldn't be any healing, and without healing, no change. And change is vital

to progression. So I know change is coming, and I welcome it's face, though pain may

precede the outcome of it ail. I will endure, I can bear it, in fact, I even hold

it dear, for I know healing will come, and then the joy of change. And because of

this, I have great hope, and maybe tears I do have along with hope, yet that is what

makes it hopeful, right? For the dream of better days, better times to come, for good

memories just waiting to be made, and the thought of it all, I cherish. So I know

the bottom offers one way to go, and the end of a century, brings another 100 years.

Therefore I feel blessed to be alive, to be a living, breathing potential, to become

a man with the true capacity to love, to be honest, and to really live a fulfilling

life. And so many await my transformation. So with the gift to dream, to hope, and

to place it all in the hands of a God who loves me and all I love, I now possess prom-

ise. And with this promise, a future, of which I will fight for, be strong for, and

take the pain I have only brought on myself. And I will cherish the lessons learned

and move on in faith and though I may not see tomorrow, I know it sleeps, and while

it is sleeping, it dreams, and soon, it will awaken to the glory of the dawn.

Jeffrey Brackett Quante IV

December 31, 2000

11:30pm