The Why Not? Universe Crypt: 2007

Hey, remember this site? Probably not. But I'm back, after a completely unplanned 3 month hiatus. New rule: I am never setting myself up for a "series of articles" ever again, because what that means is I am setting myself up for failure. And that's why no post since September. Because I suck.

Anyway, it's that time of year again...Hanukkah. Yes, it is now Hanukkah, which means the December holidays are in super-full-swing. Now, not coming from a Jewish background, I don't really do much for Hanukkah, but if it's Hanukkah that naturally means it's time for goodwill and celebration. And it means, too, that Christmas is imminent.

I've probably chronicled my love/hate relationship with Christmas here before. It's mostly love; however, the beginning of my adult life saw me working in retail, thereby fostering a maniacal resentment towards the time of cheer and goodwill, largely because you see NONE OF THAT in a shopping mall. And since I did five straight Christmas seasons in one mall or another, I had half a decade of bitterness, disdain, and general misanthropy built up.

But when I was a kid, it was different. I recall fondly November 1 of each year...Halloween is over, screw Thanksgiving, I want to hear Christmas carols. And so I would start, sometimes as soon as the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode ended, making my Christmas mix tape, comprised of cuts from my father's ample Christmas LP collection. Hours spent in front of the hi-fi, going to track to track on the glorious vinyl records finding just the right version of each Christmas song, creating first an hour...and then, later, 90 full minutes...of Christmas joy. My father had these great records that were compilations...not the fabled Firestone collections but rather, if memory serves, at least one of the Goodyear ones...that I could get all kinds of stuff. Which explains how a child of the '80s and early '90s was so damned familiar with Mitch Miller, Henry Mancini, and the like.

Once my family had switched to CD, and the idea of making your own CD at home was yet impractical, if not impossible, the days of the Christmas mix tape came to an end. Those tapes probably haven't survived; I know I haven't seen them in years. Perhaps some of the records survived the fire we had some 9 years ago; I haven't really checked.

Around the turn of the century...I like be able to use that phrase...we were introduced to glory of file-sharing networks, and I can say that back then I partook in that practice which, of course, I totally cannot endorse in any manner whatsoever. Anyway, there were two file-sharing networks in particular I used; one is, as far as I know, long gone, and the other sold out and became a marketing tool of The Man. I think you know which one that is. But I made a few good mix CDs off of that, using my wicked-fast 1x CD burner.

And now, today, we're in the iTunes era, and I've just finished getting the cuts for the 2007 edition of the Christmas mix album. I don't think, in all honesty, that I made a 2006 edition; I can't remember, which is pretty bad since I was just recounting memories from around 1990 but I can't for the life of me recall last year. A while back, and if you're patient and scroll waaaay down, you can read about the 2005 installment of this venerable tradition. If memory serves, it was Christmas of 2005 that I discovered Skull Splitter Ale, which probably accounts for the holes in my memory ever since (bwah ha ha).

Anyway, I haven't quite nailed down a track sequence yet. I will say this, though: I have, since the dawn of home CD burning, followed the Frank Sinatra The Sinatra Christmas Album formula: secular songs on the first "side", more religious ones on the second. I make only two exceptions, depending on the version: I may allow "I'll Be Home For Christmas" or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", depending on how wistful and poignant a version we're talking about. And yes, I think about that kind of stuff. I take this very seriously.

Okay, aside from the fact that I haven't got the order nailed down completely yet, here's this years selections, 26 in all:

"Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" by Bruce Springsteen. Very cool. The Boss gets the job done. Too bad he hasn't done more Christmas stuff, save for a track on A Very Special Christmas.

"Jingle Bells Drag", by the Three Stooges. A nice find. I'm a Stooge fan from way back, and since everybody's heard every version of "Jingle Bells" possible, a comedy take on the song is a good idea. For the curious, this is Curly Joe era Stooges.

"Sleigh Ride" by Los Straitjackets. Los Straitjackets are a pretty cool band I've been aware of for a while. I don't have any of their albums, but it's basically surf rock, and has a very cool vibe. I respect them largely because they wear luchador masks. This is currently a freebie on iTunes, so if you got that, go ahead and get it before they go back to making you pay for it.

"Here Comes Santa Claus" by the Mills Brothers. For anyone not aware, the Mills Brothers were an amazing vocal group from back when. They had amazing harmony, and this cut's no exception.

"Rudolph", by Bing Crobsy. Der Bingle is one of the best Christmas singers ever, if not the number one guy. A lot of us associate his voice with Christmas. And, believe it or not, I had never had Bing doing this particular song before.

"Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!", by Frank Sinatra. This is one time Dino beat the Chairman; I think Dean Martin's version of this song is the definitive one. That takes nothing away from this version, and since I've used Dino's on past compilations, this was an easy choice. Ol' Blue Eyes, easily my favorite singer for pure vocal talent, always deserves a place on my Christmas album.

"Blue Christmas" by Ringo Starr. Ringo made a Christmas album whereas the Beatles never really did (I guess there was some kind of Beatles fan club thing back in the '60s, but it's never been collected, and I'm told they weren't exactly songs so much as Christmas wishes from the Beatles). In '05, Ringo's "White Christmas" made the list; this year, it's "Blue."

"Deck the Halls" by Brian Wilson. Really, just because. I like oldies, for one thing. I'm also very happy that Brian Wilson has defied the odds and remains with us today. So, there you go.

"Feliz Navidad" by It Dies Today. It Dies Today are a band I'm not entirely familiar with, but I listened to a clip of this and it was pretty cool. This is the most rockin' cut on the album, culled from an autism benefit CD.

"Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" by Billy Bob Thornton and the Boxmasters. Picked largely because I was amused simply by its existence, it's not a bad Bakersfield-sound-esque country-rock take on the John Lennon classic.

"White Christmas", by Merle Haggard. One of my personal Holy Trinity of classic country (besides Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash), finding this fun and upbeat take on this song made an easy choice.

By the way, I hate how I write this kind of stuff as if I worked for Entertainment Weekly or something. I can't help it. My apologies.

"I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" by Johnny Cash. This was on one of those glorious old compilation LPs of my dad's. I'm happy to have it on a CD.

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" by Jethro Tull. One word: TULL!!! I don't need to explain further. Instrumental, by the way.

"What Child Is This" by Charlie Daniels. Again, instrumental. Surprising beautiful rendition from the man behind "The Devil Went Down to Georgia".

"Carol of the Beasts" by Pete Seeger. One day I'm just going to buy Pete Seeger's Christmas album outright. They're stripped down versions of old, old Christmas songs...many as obscure as this...for solo acoustic guitar and the haunting voice of the old folk master. This one is particularly eerie (although still not as eerie as his version of "What Child Is This", which appeared on a previous year's album).

"Christmas Don't Be Late" by John Fahey and Terry Robb. The folk guitar master doing an acoustic instrumental version ofthe Chipmunks classic, with Terry Robb helping him out (an artist with whom I am almost entirely unfamiliar).

"The Christmas Song" by Regis Philbin. Specifically because it is cheesy. What can I say, I have horrible taste. I also can't resist a Christmas song by someone better known for something other than singing. That'll come back to haunt us later.

"Adeste Fideles" by Luciano Pavarotti. Il maestro left us this year, but his voice endures forever. Here is the beautiful Yuletide hymn done in Latin, as it should be, by one of the great voices ever. Addio, maestro. Buon Natale.

"Mary's Little Boy Child" by Jose Feliciano. I'm really very fond of this tune, made famous (perhaps even originated by, I don't know) by Harry Belafonte. The incomparable Feliciano does a great version.

"O Come, O Come Emmanuel > What Child Is This?" by Andy Griffith. That's right, the Sheriff of Mayberry. I thought this was a pretty cool curiosity, and "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" is a childhood favorite that's somewhat under-represented amongst Christmas songs. He sings like somebody's grandfather, which he is. But it's good. Very down-home and folksy.

"O Tannenbaum" by Nat King Cole. My favorite version of this is the instrumental version by Dave Brubeck, a heart-achingly beautiful, almost mournful rendition. Nat King Cole does it a bit more straightforward here, but he does it in German, making it a winner.

"I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Dean Martin. It is Dean Martin. Enough said.

"Hark the Herald Angels Sings" by Martina McBride. My favorite Christmas song, probably, or at least in my top 5. Having heard so many versions, it was hard finding one; usually they deviate either too much so as to be unrecognizable or are done in a dull, by-the-numbers style. This one's pretty good. I don't usually like the songs she does, but you can't deny the voice that Martina McBride is working with. This will do nicely. I have to mention that, somewhat surprisingly, my favorite "contemporary" version is actual by Jewel. The best version I've ever heard is by The Academy of St. Martin-in-the-Fields conducted by Sir Neville Marriner, the same outfit and conductor who did all the music for the movie Amadeus.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by the Pretenders. From one of those Very Special Christmas albums. A cool version. I'm not a huge Pretenders guy, really, but I like Chrissie Hynde's voice, which is suited well to this particular song.

"Cantique De Noel" by Enrico Caruso. This is the same tune as "O Holy Night" but with different words. This is a real find. That voice, 86 years gone now, is still amazing, rivaled only by Pavarotti himself. What an amazing piece of history. We are fortunate, as a culture, that Caruso lived at the same time recording was beginning, so that his voice is still with us. As best as I can tell, this recording is from 1914, 1915, or 1916. I'm no expert, but this may be the only Christmas song Caruso ever recorded, not counting Ave Maria, which he did not perform in the most familiar Schubert style (the one Pavarotti tended towards, as it is the most popular).

"Silent Night", by David Hasselhoff. Yes, really. For one, there's the comedic punch of having the Hoff on the CD; also, like I said, I can't resist a schmaltzy celebrity Christmas tune. Again, this is in the original German, which makes it better.

So begins the first of at least a pair of sentimental (and, most likely at some point, intoxicated) holiday writings. I generally try to do some kind of "Merry Christmas" post, be it brief or otherwise, and of course I hope to do my general year-in-review/year-in-preview by or around New Year's. So we'll see. Until the next time I remain, as always, obediently yours.

More Dracula
posted eerily at 8:44 pm on September 13 2007

Okay. Remember like 3 weeks ago when I started a series of "articles" about Dracula movies? It's the post before the last post. Well, this is part 2. And, par for the course around here, it's not going to go exactly as I announced at the end of the previous installment. In fact, I'm only reviewing one film this time.

I had done a fairly extensive covering of the Universal and Hammer Dracula series. Since our last writing, I have completed my Christopher Lee (and, consequently, Hammer) Dracula DVD collection (finally getting Dracula AD 1972 on DVD). I also got the new DVD release of Jess Franco's Count Dracula on DVD (released by Dark Sky Films), the one Christopher Lee appearance as Dracula not under the auspices of Hammer...and, therefore, not a part of their somewhat-loose continuity.

According to the bonus material, Lee and Franco set out with one goal in mind: To try to stay faithful to Bram Stoker's 1897 novel, where it all began. As good as it was, Horror of Dracula, arguably the one Hammer film sourced from the original novel, doesn't really stick all that close. And Franco's version deviates in some major ways, too, as will be necessary when you're translating a novel to feature film. It can't be perfect, and in the same bonus material Franco almost expresses regret that he didn't get it as close to perfect as he wanted, mainly due to budgetary constraints.

The Franco version begins as the novel does, with young lawyer Jonathan Harker on a train heading towards Transylvania, and consequently, Castle Dracula. And it stays fairly close, cutting a few parts out...most disappointingly the utterly macabre sequence on the Demeter as Dracula's casket is transported by sea to England. The ending is dramatically different, but it works so damn well...hopefully not giving too much away, our heroes kind of give Dracula as "take that, you son of a bitch!" send-off instead of the usual "thank goodness we stopped the evil in the nick of time!" ending most versions of the story give us.

The performances are almost uniformly great. Herbert Lom (who played title role in Hammer's Phantom of the Opera) makes an effective and formidable Van Helsing, but Franco gives a heartbreaking tidbit in the bonus feature: That his first choice had been no less than Vincent Price, but scheduling problems made this impossible. I literally hurt inside hearing how close Vincent Price came to playing Van Helsing against Lee's Dracula. It would've been transcendent. But that's to take nothing away from Lom; he's very good in the role. The late Soledad Miranda makes for a hauntingly beautiful and tragic Lucy while Maria Rohm isn't given all that much to do playing Mina, but as with most of Franco's female leads, she looks great throughout. The late Klaus Kinski turns in an extremely unique take on Renfield; the performance is virtually silent, and Kinski, the mad genius that he was, manages to express everything you'd need to know about the character simply through his expressions. And, of course, Franco reveals that Kinski is eating actual bugs when Renfield does so onscreen; in fact, Kinski caught them himself, using honey. That's Kinski for you, though.

Lee, though, shines here like he rarely did in the role. And he was always good (whether he thinks so or not) so that's saying a lot. Here his Dracula, like the one in the book, gets younger as he goes; he begins as a grey and bushy-mustached old man, and by the time the tale is done he's a sleek, dark-haired killer. This Dracula is, indeed, suave, but is also very much the grisly murderer Stoker envisioned (the suaveness was largely a creation of the stage play...and forever cemented, of course, by Bela Lugosi). Frankly, this Dracula is very much evil; he's not the tortured soul that Gary Oldman portrayed in the Coppola version (a fact Franco is actually really proud of when that version is mentioned in the bonus feature). This Dracula doesn't romance Lucy as he kills her; no, he kills her, and it is his evil in attractive package that seduces her, not the remnants of the man he once was. This is a proud, fierce, vile Dracula.

It may never be a classic like the 1931 Lugosi version or even Lee's 1958 outing. But it's a really good film...possibly the best Franco ever directed. Now that it's widely available on DVD, it's worth checking out.

Okay, well, another installment in this coming up one of these days, so until then...

Paul Simon's "American Tune"
posted six years later on September 11

Many's the time I've been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I've often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I'm alright, I'm alright
I'm just weary to my bones
Still, you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant
So far away from home
So far away from home

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
But it's alright, it's alright
For we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
High up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hour
And sing an American tune
Oh, but it's alright, it's alright, it's alright
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's gonna be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all, I'm trying to get some rest

(written by Paul Simon circa 1973)

Dracula Has Risen From the Grave
posted at 9:22 pm on August 22 2007

As summer creeps painfully slowly to its merciful close, and you get days like we had here today where it was actually fairly cool outside and somewhat cloudy, my thoughts turn towards fall, which hands down is my favorite season of the year. Some of my favorite things about fall include:

A) It stops being so goddamn hot all the time
B) Pumpkin pie
C) Halloween

Now, I know what you're saying: "Please tell me this asshole isn't writing his Halloween column in August." And I'm not. Not really. But do you know how every Christmas most people watch some version of A Christmas Carol or A Christmas Story? Well, I do that with horror movies for Halloween. As many horror movies as possible. And to get them all in by Halloween, I have to start...last week.

Basically, what I do is I revisit the Universal Horror saga (the intertwining tales of Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man) and then jump ahead in time to do the same with the gorgeously colorful Hammer Horror sagas (the totally separate tales of Dracula and Baron Frankenstein). I've written about this before, and I will again (it's two months 'til the end of this, after all) but tonight I want to focus specifically on the Main Man himself: Dracula.

There have been plenty of good versions of the original Bram Stoker story. I need not mention my love of the 1931 Bela Lugosi version--in short, if you say a disparaging word about it, I am liable to throw a school bus at you. I don't know why I don't officially call it my favorite movie; do I REALLY love The Godfather Part II more? Hard to say. Not important now, either. Anyway, it's just a classic. You know this, everyone does. It has its detractors, and they are of course the lowest form of life this earth has ever seen. They'll say it's poorly paced or that having no musical score is somehow a deficiency; I don't see how a movie running about an hour and fifteen minutes can half pacing problems, and without the music you get the eerie pauses that, me being a nerd, always make me think of Wyllis Cooper ("Quiet, please...quiet, please"). Plus, you have the scratchy soundtrack that comes from the film now being 76 years old; I LOVE the "sound of silence" in that movie. It's comfort viewing, in a way; but it's still eerie. And while Lugosi may not have had the most consistent career, largely due to typecasting, his performance as Dracula stands immortal; locked forever with the character in the collective consciousness of mankind. And for good reason: Even though he doesn't match the book's description of the character, he is instantly recognizable, even when not "in character", as Dracula. And there's another stunning performance in the film too: Dwight Frye as the insane Renfield. Frye also holds the distinction of being the infamous hunchback assistant to Dr. Frankenstein in the indelible creation scene...but the hunchback Fritz, not the more well-known Ygor (played by Lugosi himself!) who didn't appear until Son of Frankenstein. Frye's performance as Renfield remains unmatched: Bringing both terror and tenderness to what could be a broad role, Frye's performance stays with you, even if you can't recall the actor's name.

Another fine version you're probably not familiar with is the Mercury Theater's version starring Orson Welles. It was a radio production from 1938, just a couple of months prior to the legendary War of the Worlds broadcast. Welles never played the character on stage or screen, but his voice does a great job on radio. MP3s circulate freely around the internet, so you shouldn't have trouble getting it if you want.

Christopher Lee played the most famous vampire no less than 8 times; 7 of them in Hammer's classic series and once for Spanish director Jess Franco's 1970 version, which featured (then-)future Dracula Klaus Kinski in the Renfield role. Lee played the Count in all but one of Hammer's 9 "Dracula" movies...one of which, Brides of Dracula doesn't feature the Count at all, and one, Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires which features John Forbes-Robertson playing the character in a framing sequence surrounding a kung fu-versus-vampires feature, which sounds kinda iffy but it's actually a fun time. Those two movies are connected to the Lee films in that Peter Cushing plays Professor Van Helsing in both. Easily the best is the first, Horror of Dracula; the swashbuckling finale is particularly great. The next Lee outing, Dracula, Prince of Darkness is notable in that Lee has no dialogue; the story goes that his dialogue was so awful he had it cut and played the character as a hissing, animalistic horror. I don't particularly care for the admittedly inventive finale of that one. We go next into the namesake for this column, Dracula Has Risen From the Grave. Here, Dracula is kind of an underdog, in a way; he lurks in cellars, unable to return to his own castle, and relies on a corrupt priest for mortal assistance. I'm particularly fond of this one; I really like the supporting characters. Next up is Taste the Blood of Dracula, which is a pretty good outing, with some black magic overtones and a kind of "And Then There Were None" sequence of killings by the Count. Following that is Scars of Dracula, which I haven't seen in years and only just got on DVD about a week ago, so I'll let you know once I watch it what it was all about and how it was. From there were go into Dracula AD 1972, where Dracula was deposited into the then-modern world of Swingin' London, full of far-out psychedelic go-go girls and everything. They stay in that locale for Lee's last bow as the Son of the Dragon, The Satanic Rites of Dracula. I guess it's probably not a great movie, but I'm fond of it for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that it was the final time Lee and Cushing played the Dracula and Van Helsing roles off of each other, and they do a damn good job on the way out, too.

And I think I'll call this the end of part one, because this is certainly going on a long time. Next time: Frank Langella, Nosferatu, Gary Oldman, and more.

Things I Wish I Had Written
posted at 9:04 pm on July 31 2007

"Man rules now where They ruled once; They shall soon rule where man rules now. After summer is winter, and after winter summer. They wait patient and potent, for here shall They reign again."

- H.P. Lovecraft, The Dunwich Horror

Reviews of Movies You've Never Seen, Episode I: Reptilian
posted 500 feet high at 10:47 pm on July 16 2007

I could be writing a deeply personal "blog" post right now. I'm starting my job in, well, not even two days now, I guess. Wednesday. And I've been away from a work environment for a good, long time and I'm more than a little nervous about readjusting. And of course the loss of all that wonderful free time I had to write is a little upsetting. On the other hand, I'll be earning a living again and able to retain some semblance of an actual life. So, everything has its ups and downs.

Instead, I bring you the first installment in a new feature here on the Universe: "Reviews of Movies You've Never Seen". I figure, I like to watch a lot of garbage. I mean, just B-and-C grade stuff. Real schlock, you know? And I don't even count the vast majority of the Godzilla films that I hold so dear in that category. I'm talking about stuff like...well, like Reptilian.

I've seen precious few movies that had no redeeming qualities, mind you. This has nothing to with Reptilian yet, because that flick has a lot going for it, actually. I just want to give my background as a film viewer. I appreciate the truly great cinema, of course. Among my favorite movies are The Magnificent Seven, The Big Sleep, Inherit the Wind, and so on. The good old stuff. And the new classics...things on the order of Pulp Fiction. I love all those things. But I'm not exactly what you'd call a film snob. Granted, I prefer to watch movies in the language they were originally filmed...whether we're talking about Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster or Wings of Desire. Doesn't matter. I'm a guy who doesn't mind subtitles. But I don't turn my nose up at good old fashioned B-grade (or C, and sometimes D) cinema. Thanks to the world of direct-to-DVD, the B cinema lives on healthily.

And Reptilian, at first glance, is exactly that; something churned out for a DVD release to make a few bucks from genre fans. But it's actually one of the biggest South Korean film productions ever, in terms of cost and scope. It's based on the 1964 Korean monster film Taekoesu Yonggary, as I understand it, although I haven't seen that one yet...better known here in the USA as Yonggary, Monster From the Deep, although not that much better known, really. It was produced by South Korean companies, including Hyundai, with an eye towards breaking South Korean films into the international market. I don't know how that endeavor turned out.

The idea was to use a primarily American cast and the film seems to be set in an unnamed American city. And I'm not that good with geography, so I couldn't tell you which one it's supposed to be, but my guess would be something towards the West Coast, since the creature first appears, in fossil form, in the desert.

But before getting ahead of myself, let's talk about the cast. It's mainly comprised (the following information courtesy of IMDB, naturally) of TV bit players. For instance, Matt Landers, who plays one of the military heads, seems to be a staple guest player on various cop and lawyer shows. Our female lead, Donna Philipson, seems to have no other acting credits to her name. The standout B-grade actor is by far Richard B. Livingston, who plays the ill-fated megalomaniacal Dr. Campbell and who never lets go of a chance to act the living hell out of any of his lines. He's a hoot to watch; great stuff. Having once been something of a stage actor myself, with a penchant for doing the exact same thing, I have to say that Mr. Livingston would be well-suited for the stage. Also present, as the suicidal Lt. O'Neil, is Wiley Pickett, who has a long resume of bit roles, generally as cops, most recently including a part in Transformers as one of the Sector Seven agents working with John Turturro. However, the real star of the film...and also the biggest star, coincidentally...is the late Harrison Young, who plays Dr. Hughes, who knows all about Yonggary. Mr. Young is easily best known for his performance as the aged counterpart to Matt Damon's character in Saving Private Ryan; he also had a prominent role in House of 1000 Corpses, among many other character roles.

The script, I think...and by that I specifically mean the dialogue...is the main thing hampering the bulk of these performances (although, again, these are bit actors given starring roles). In short, the dialogue is laughably bad, and sometimes even be-ashamed-of-mankind bad. Although there are plenty of examples, the worst I can think of is the aforementioned Dr. Campbell character screaming at the monster, which mind you he excavated, that "I made you! I'm your creator!" or something to that effect. Uh...no, dude, you dug him up. TOTALLY different. It doesn't even make sense. That bugs me. A lot of the random faux-military bluster is also quite wince-inducing.

The story, on the other hand, is a perfectly good giant monster story. In short, Dr. Hughes and Dr. Campbell are looking for the remains of a massive 500 foot dinosaur. Hughes goes missing while the daffy Campbell finds the giant fossil. Hughes reappears and attempts to get Campbell to cease the excavation, but of course that doesn't happen. The creature...called Yonggary...is excavated, and the bones are fleshed out and reanimated by aliens hiding in our orbit. The beast goes on a rampage until Dr. Hughes and his plucky sidekick Holly determine he's under mind control, and try to help the military figure out a way to free him of that. Once they do, the aliens bring out their second line of attack...a scorpion-like beast called Cykor. Cykor and Yonggary do battle in the unnamed city and...well, you can probably figure it out, but I won't spoil it for you.

On the plus side, the creature designs are great stuff. Very sci-fi, naturally, the Yonggary design is only passingly reminiscent of an actual dinosaur; mainly, it looks like a wicked monster. Cykor's the same way; a neat design, and there's a fun gimmick to him that involves what happens when he loses limbs. Easily, that's the most solid part of the movie, the creature designs.

The effects are very obviously computer-animated; they look "computery". I'm the sort who grew up on what we now call "suitmation"...men in rubber suits crashing balsa wood Tokyos...so I tend to be very, very forgiving of poor effects. At no point will you come close to losing yourself in the effects as you might have done with Jurassic Park or something similar; not even close. You'll be consistently aware that you're watching computer generated creatures and machines. Simply put, even with backing from Hyundai and others, these are South Korean filmmakers working with extremely limited fx resources, and you get EXACTLY the level of quality you expect from that description. Less than stellar (although it would've probably been impressive on, say, the first few seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation if used sparingly), but if you are able to muscle through that and just enjoy the creature designs, you will have a good time with Reptilian.

In summary, is Reptilian a good movie? No, of course not. But if you put your prejudices at the door and just sit back to enjoy a fun monster yarn, you probably won't regret spending 100 minutes on it. I'll give it this: I was distracted and entertained enough by it to forget my aforementioned worries. You will also probably enjoy the hell out of it with some sharp-witted friends and some alcohol. These will both help you make fun of the dialogue and ease the pain of it.

I'll do one of these again soon. Future installments will probably include, if I can bear it, a reviewing of At the Earth's Core. Beyond that, I don't know. We'll see.

If I Could Have Any Mustache, It Would Be Tony Orlando's
posted at 6:13 pm on June 30 in the Twenty-Ought-Seven

Just a few tidbits here, mainly to push the previous depressing post down further. I'm good like that.

First of all, you can probably track by reading this page that I'm on what could be termed as a "Godzilla Kick". Therefore, it should come as no surprise to you that I finally got the PS2 game "Godzilla: Save the Earth", and I have to say it's the very best thing ever. At long last I, as King Ghidorah, can hurl Anguirus across Seattle into a building which subsequently collapses. I can be Rodan and stick it to the man by taking out Godzilla himself. As Baragon, I can burrow below the streets of London and emerge to assault Mechagodzilla. As Jet Jaguar, I can pretend not to be monumentally lame as I stomp through Manhattan to clash with Megalon. It's...well, it's just the finest damned thing I've ever seen.

I've kinda switched off of my pulp fiction kick for a minute...not really, but kinda...and headed over to '50s and '60s paperback original private detective novels. My focus thus far has been the Mike Shayne series, but I've just ordered up a couple of Shell Scott novels, which have such awesome, super-tough names that nobody would be ballsy enough to use these days, like Everybody Had a Gun, Darling, It's Death, Dig That Crazy Grave and Always Leave 'Em Dying. That's just damned fine stuff.

B.J. Thomas is awesome. That is all.

I don't actually have much to talk about. I watched Michael Moore's Sicko while it was briefly on Google Video...I had good timing on something like that for once...so I can be an informed part of the inevitable national discussion. It was a decent enough way to kill time when you're an insomniac like myself, and there are some interesting moments in it. It's worth thinking about the issue presented. My only thing is that it probably could've been trimmed down some. His trademark political commentary distracts from what could've been a remarkably profound and moving document of the human condition.

I am off to smoke a cigarette and then have a burrito. As you can see, I have become a health fanatic.

More on the Benoit Thing
posted at 7:23 pm on June 26 2007

So Chris Benoit was a murderer, and he did heinously betray his family, his friends, and, in an impersonal sense but still very much so, everyone who ever paid to see him wrestle (that includes me). And I'm just disgusted. I know there was no way I could've known, but still. I don't have anything to say about the situation now, but what I said last night still stands: He was a human being, and in real life no human being is ever all good or all evil. But that isn't to say that sometimes the evil doesn't overwhelm, which clearly it did in this case.

I did take the tribute thread down, since nobody else had posted on it anyway. Once everything came to light I thought about it and decided at last that there just shouldn't be one here.

So that's that.

Can't Sleep, So I'll Pretend to Be a Celebrity Blogger
posted as inevitably as a guilty conscience at...good gravy...4:35 am on June 26 2007

Two things I want to talk about in the world of celebrity today...Paris Hilton and Chris Benoit.

For those who don't know the latter, he was a professional wrestler. One I was really very much a fan of. And Monday afternoon he, his wife, and their son were found dead in his home. Police are proceeding to investigate the needless-to-say suspicious death as a murder-suicide, which I understand because it's procedure. Now, from what little I've seen of the Internet reaction thus far, we don't really need to wait for the evidence; the cry has gone out that Benoit did it. And maybe he did. But maybe he didn't. As of my writing...and this is why I'm writing it now...we don't know that for sure. And I have, naturally, posted a tribute on the board. And I've been wondering what to do if it turns out that he was the one behind this gruesome series of events. Do I take the tribute down, like it never happened? Do I go on the thread and disavow him? Or do I just leave it go as my sincere reaction at the time I found out a beloved entertainer was dead? I don't really know. I guess I'll have to decide when the truth comes to light. Of course, the wrestling fanboy in me really hopes it turns out he is not complicit in these deaths, but the realist in me understands that it could be so. And I just frankly don't know how I'd go forward with that. So that's a little "inside my head" peek at that current event.

Now. Paris Hilton. She's out of jail now, released it seems a few hours early (as if it matters). For whatever reason, I've never been able to summon the disdain for her that so many people have. Which isn't to say I'm a fan...not even close. But I just...I guess part of me is neutral...really, she could take a rocket to Neptune for all the impact it would have on my life...but another part of me is probably falling for the "poor little rich girl" act. But let me first say that I'm actually really glad she went to jail; she broke the law and there was a potential that other people could have been in danger had she continued to drive intoxicated. I'm pretty tough on crime, so I didn't flinch with her going to jail...the weed of crime bears bitter fruit, as we all know. But I can't help but think that with everybody passing judgment on her all the time, hardly anyone outside of probably her immediate family and maybe a handful of actual friends...I'm not speaking of Hollywood hangers-on, or party leeches, but actually people she would call if she needed something emotionally...really know her. And, as a society...forgive me for philosophizing, but I hope you'll see some validity in what I'm about to say...as much as we tend to make our heroes seem 100 percent virtuous and invulnerable (a thing I've been doing tonight with the Benoit incident), we make our villains...Paris among them...100 percent vile and irredeemable. And in both cases, we're dehumanizing them.

In the long run, if Chris Benoit is guilty of an act that ended two lives besides his own, it will be because he was human, and not actually some ridiculous John Wayne type who could do no wrong and make no mistakes. And if Paris Hilton, for all her money and privilege, needs to show her humanity for a minute and cry for her mother because she's really just another scared-stupid twentysomething who screwed up bigtime, and not some ridiculous stock character who spends her days counting money and sneering at the poor, it's because she's human. They've been placed in a situation where they're larger-than-life, we can forget they're just humans like the rest of us, and we really shouldn't.

At Random, Some Book Titles I Really Like
posted with too much style at 1:33 am on June 23 2007

In no order:

* Die Like a Dog by Brett Halliday

* The Way Some People Die by Ross Macdonald

* One Lonely Night by Mickey Spillane

* Farewell, My Lovely by Raymond Chandler

* If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem by William Faulkner

* Beyond the Farthest Star by Edgar Rice Burroughs

* One Monday We Killed Them All by John D. MacDonald

* Violence Is Golden by Brett Halliday

* The Far Side of the Dollar by Ross Macdonald

And my personal favorite book title of all time...

* The Dreadful Lemon Sky by John D. MacDonald

Some brief commentary: Farewell, My Lovely is a more poetic title than the movie version's Murder, My Sweet but I suppose the studio did have a point that it didn't sound very much like a mystery. Doesn't need to, though. One Monday We Killed Them All and Die Like a Dog are so stark and in-your-face that you have to love them. I've always found One Lonely Night to be extremely evocative. The two Ross Macdonalds are so inventive, you know for certain that nobody would have ever come up with those titles if he hadn't. I can't believe that somebody changed the title of If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem to the utterly bland The Wild Palms. As for The Dreadful Lemon Sky, it's just, to me, the most brilliant and original title possible...and the moment it is used in the actual book is a jawdropping piece of hardboiled writing.

Oars, Mines, and Hours
posted 11:42 pm on June 19 2007

Just a few things. I got a new job today...a real new job this time, not just being rehired in the same capacity in a holding pattern like I've spent the last 2 years or so. There's actually career potential of a sort in this one. So, for what that's worth.

I'm at a critical juncture in the writing of my long-in-the-works horror story. I decided to sit down and hash out the plot for the second half of the book (I'm just shy of halfway through it) and I came to the conclusion that the story flows much better if it works out to be way, way bleaker. Simply put, there has to be a point where our villains are clearly winning by a mile. It gets dark, really dark, but the story flows so much better that way. But I'm hesitant that maybe people won't like that kind of story, and while I write for myself, I do have to consider that I want people to read this one. Like, a lot of people. So I have to consider the kinds of stories people like. But I consider things like 300 and The Empire Strikes Back and I think maybe people don't mind seeing the opposing team with the upper hand for most, if not all, of the story.

I read an article this weekend that told me that every cliche I've ever held dear about being "the lone wolf" or what have you...the tough, emotion-withholding macho male in the mold of James Bond, Philip Marlowe, or Batman...is driving me to an early grave. And then I thought, "Well, what isn't?" Because, seriously, everywhere I turn these days somebody tells me something I like doing is killing me.

Of late, I've been listening to a lot of what is generally called "arena rock"...Foreigner, Journey, Bad Company, so forth. I've enjoyed that. I've also branched out into another Grateful Dead offspring and have listened to a couple of shows by Melvin Seals and JGB, the off-shoot of Jerry's solo band. It's nice to hear people still doing some of those lesser-known songs still. If I have a criticism, it's that the singer...who is really good, don't get me wrong...seems to be trying a bit too hard to sound like late-era Jerry.

I saw a preview showing of Evan Almighty, and there are worse ways to kill an hour and a half. It's a nice, mild comedy with a few hearty laughs and a good performance by Steve Carell. It'll play more to the family-oriented crowd, which is probably good for his career. Morgan Freeman genuinely seemed to enjoy playing his part. Also, don't be worried by the appearance of the tiresome Molly Shannon right at the beginning; she's wisely and mercifully kept to a small part. Bonus points to the movie for having John Michael Higgins, known to "Arrested Development" viewers as Wayne Jarvis and as one of Christoper Guest's recurring players, most brilliantly as the leader of the New Main Street Singers in A Mighty Wind.

I almost wrote that like a real review, and I totally didn't mean to do that.

Double-super-extra good news: We are just about 6 days from the DVD release of Frankenstein Conquers the World. Not that any of you care, but I'm stoked.

And...I have no ending for this post, but it's over.

9 Brief Thoughts
posted at 1:54 am on June 14 2007

1. America should jettison the Star-Spangled Banner as its national anthem in favor of Bad Company's "Rock N Roll Fantasy", despite the fact that Bad Company are British.

2. If I could bring one type of dinosaur back to life, it would be the seismosaurus, because anything that weighs 200,000 pounds has to put out enough natural waste to use as fuel.

3. Amy Winehouse has a face that looks like a crime-scene photo.

4. "Mitt" is not an acceptable name for a public figure.

5. You can make all the music videos you want but it will not bring dead people back, and it also will not stop more people from dying.

6. "Orange" is a very strange word, and I don't believe there is one correct way to pronounce it.

7. Although there are certainly better foods, if I could give just one food an award for being awesome it would be corned beef hash.

8. If I could have a superpower, it would probably involve turning toothpicks into gold bars.

9. No clip of dialogue used in a TV ad has made me want to see a movie more than Live Free or Die Hard's "What are you gonna do?" "Kill all of 'em."

Posted Just To Post It
posted 1:43 am on May 31 2007

Now You're a Man
(Words and music by Trey Parker)

Hey!

What makes a man?
Is it the power in his hands?
Is it his quest for glory?
Give it all you got to fight to the top
So we can know your story

Now you're a man
A man, man, man
Now you're a man
A mighty mighty man
A man man man
You are now a man
You're a man
Now you're a man

Live it, live it!

What makes a man?
Is it the woman in his arms
Just 'cause she has big titties?
Or is it the way he fights everyday?
No, it's probably the titties

Now you're a man
A man, man, man
Now you're a ma-man
Ma-man, man, man
Now you're a man
M-A-N, man man man man
Now you're a man

If I Don't Mention It In the Article, Bear in Mind That "Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack" is the Best Movie Ever Made
posted with the desire to smash buildings at 11:50 pm on April 11 2007

So, as some of you may or may not be aware, last year some kind folks reissued the original 1954 Godzilla movie in its original form, Gojira. The DVD release, which I don't have yet, has both Gojira and its Americanized counterpart with Raymond Burr, the familiar classic Godzilla, King of the Monsters. And it was about time.

Now, the same folks, Classic Media are putting out loads more. Just this month they released DVDs of Godzilla Raids Again (briefly known here, inexplicably, as Gigantis the Fire Monster, for you triva buffs) and Mothra vs. Godzilla, originally known here in the US as Godzilla vs. the Thing. Coming in June are the Ghidorah saga films, Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster (sometimes spelled "Ghidrah") and Invasion of Astro-Monster, again better known here as Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. In September they'll be giving us All Monsters Attack, better known as Godzilla's Revenge, and Terror of Mechagodzilla. When this is all done, the only film from the original Godzilla series not available on US DVD will be Godzilla vs. Megalon.

From the next series, which started in 1984, the first two films, Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla vs. Biollante are not available, but the subsequent 5 films are. From the 3rd series, often called Millennium, all 6 films are on DVD.

Tangentially related, Universal finally gave the US a release of King Kong Escapes, which was well overdue, and they also rereleased King Kong vs. Godzilla. Another company, Tokyo Shock, is putting out the Toho epic Frankenstein Conquers the World, a service which I think is worth a medal of some kind. And word is also that Classic Media will finally give us a release of War of the Gargantuas. So it seems to be a good time to be a giant monster fan.

Related films not on DVD are the recently out-of-print Rodan, which you can probably still find but it's the principle of the thing, and the original Mothra, which has never been on DVD and hasn't even been on VHS in a long, long time either. Also missing, for the sake of being a total completist, is Rebirth of Mothra 3, from the "Heisei" era, which I want largely because it features King Ghidorah (Rebirth 1 and 2 are on a double-feature DVD).

So if we can just get those last few movies on DVD, the world will be a somewhat happier place, I should think.

For your info (and mine; that way I can just come here when I need to look it up), here's a full list of the Godzilla movies, chronologically:

First Series ("Showa"):
Godzilla
Godzilla Raids Again
King Kong vs. Godzilla
Mothra vs. Godzilla
Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster
Godzilla vs. Monster Zero
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Son of Godzilla
Destroy All Monsters
Godzilla's Revenge
Godzilla vs. Hedorah
Godzilla vs. Gigan
Godzilla vs. Megalon
Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla
Terror of Mechagodzilla

Second Series ("Heisei"):
Godzilla 1985
Godzilla vs. Biollante
Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah
Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle For Earth
Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II
Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla
Godzilla vs. Destoroyah

Third Series ("Millennium"):
Godzilla 2000
Godzilla vs. Megaguirus
Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack
Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla
Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.
Godzilla: Final Wars

This Is the Greatest and Best Post In the World: Tribute.
posted feelin' much better at 9:06 pm on March 23 2007

"And I typed the first thing that came to my head
It just so happened to be
The best post in the world
It was the best post in the world"

I slept for 12 hours. No more psychosis, no more trembling, no more...whatever all that down there was. You'll be happy to know, I hope.

I still have my stresses...a mysteriously missing cat, a distinct lack of gainful employment, a pair of 1-armed glasses, and the fact that the Air Force has decided not to give me a jet fighter, a French-Canadian girlfriend, a million dollar salary, and all the cognac I could ever hope to drink.

On the other hand, it's not all sleep deprivation, psychosis, depression, unemployment and...uh...broken glasses. No, there are bright sides. I'm 15 pages and over 4000 words into writing a brand new novel...a fun and hopefully thrilling private detective story that I truly believe will be good enough to approach someone with before too long (maybe another 12000 words?). The government has kindly provided me with my tax return. And, of course, there was the 12 positively glorious hours of nearly uninterrupted sleep (a pair of "you should get out of bed" phone calls and one call about renting a tuxedo). And now I'm drinking a fine Chinese beer (Harbin...brewed in Wuhan) and I'm probably going to go replay Mega Man 7 when I'm done my internety stuff. I have some MySpacey things to do, some email correspondence to catch up on, and so forth.

So it's not all shit. It's never all shit, gentle friends; sometimes, perhaps, mostly, but never entirely.

Everything's gonna be all right.

On Her Majesty's Secret Eating
posted after 36.5 hours without any significant amount of sleep and hopefully just prior to succumbing to exhaustion and a sleeping pill at 2:57 am on March woo by god 23 2007

I am experiencing the following symptoms of sleep deprivation. Play along at home, kids!

1) Blurred vision
2) General confusion
3) Impatience
4) Irritability (play along and pretend it's because of the sleep)
5) Memory lapse
6) Hand tremors

And yet I cannot imagine going to bed right now. I have this "amped up" feeling that's not stopping even though my eyes actively hurt now. I finally took a Tylenol PM, it being the only sleep agent in the house. I am loath to do this; however, I can already tell that I am experiencing mild psychosis (a short while ago I heard someone softly singing in my bedroom; there is no one in there, and the TV and radio are both off, and there is no one else in the house awake). Despite repeated attempts...very repeated...I have been entirely unable to relax enough to go to sleep. I don't know why. But finally, I think, my body is going to crash. I mean, I have insomnia, that's just part of my life, but good gravy now.

What I want to know--and this is entirely disregarding my sleep deprivation...is why nothing interesting or newsworthy ever really seems to happen overnight. Why is that? I like to check the news pages. I'm not really a "news junkie" necessarily, but I always look for something interesting, thought provoking, anything. And nothing ever happens in the middle of the night. Are there really, in this day and age, no reporters awake and available? Do people really follow the 9-to-5 in this world? I mean, it even seems like earthquakes and tornados and shit don't even happen at 2 in the morning. And if it happens at what is 2 in the morning for those of us on the US East Coast, it's probably happening in broad daylight wherever it is happening. What?

Trusting in my sleep agent and my body's natural exhaustion, I am going to bed believing I shall be asleep in moments. If I cannot sleep within the hour, I do believe I shall cry.

Captain America and Other Comic Book Deaths
posted in comic book mourning (which is only as serious as comic book death) at 1:25 am on March 8 2007

I wasn't, believe it or not, going to write about the death of Captain America. I'm a pretty big Captain America fan; I have the last 60-odd consecutive Cap comics published (plus miniseries, spin-offs, Avengers comics, and so on) and a fair share of back issues, guest appearances, trades, and so on. I am a Captain America fan.

So I figured most people who read this site probably read entertainment news, so they're aware that in the latest issue of his comic, the man behind the Captain America mask, Steve Rogers, was shot and killed. There's a thread on the board about it, even.

I actually learned about it on the board. I had thought the good Captain was safe from this sort of thing; emerging unscathed from the finale of Civil War seemed a pretty good sign that we'd have some kind of "Captain America: Fugitive" storyline, and then we'd move on.

I've been through lots of Comic Book Deaths. Tons of 'em. They don't really get press like this, except (of course) for when Superman died fighting Doomsday back in '92 (the articles keep saying '93, but I would swear to you that it was '92). But I see a lot of it, reading as many comics as I do. So you tend to get a little unphased. Deaths on TV (soap operas being the exception) tend to be more permanent.

A lot of times, the dead person comes back. If it's the villian, he almost ALWAYS comes back. If it's the hero, he USUALLY comes back, or else someone else takes up his name and costume and eventually you get used to him.

Arguably the best comic book death ever was that of the Flash in 1986. This was the Flash who, underneath the mask, was Barry Allen. He's the one you'd know if you watched SuperFriends or anything like that. He's the Flash you know. He's been well and truly dead for going on 21 years now. He died saving, literally, everything, in one of my favorite comics ever. He prevented a plan that would have erased all of history, all of time, every universe that ever was and ever would have been. The implication being that the Flash died the ultimate hero's death, because nothing would have ever been had he not been where he was at that moment. His nephew, Wally, took the job over, and had a nice 19 to 20 year run at it, before being kinda shuffled off-camera last year in favor of Barry's grandson, Bart. Wally is alive and available for a comeback at any time; Barry can pop out of history via time-travelling when he's needed most (usually climactic moments where they need someone EVEN FASTER than the current Flash), but he stays dead the rest of the time. There was one Flash before Barry, but he never really died so he's not relevant here. He's the one who wears the Mercury-type helmet on his head.

The same series that put Barry Allen/Flash in the ground saw Supergirl given what-for by the Anti-Monitor (the villain behind it all, still pretty much unparalleled in terms of villain badassery in my opinion). Then, to make matters worse, once the Anti-Monitor was killed and the universe was set more or less to right, it turned out that history had been altered so that the dead Supergirl NEVER EVEN EXISTED. It involves hour upon hours of Comic Book Science I won't get into. So she was dead and had, in fact, "never existed", as far as the storyline was concerned. In the early '90s a shapeshifting alien who really admired Superman took up the Supergirl mantle, and over the years she became entangled with some kind of angel and I don't even know what. Then that character left the spotlight...didn't die, just went away...and BOOM here comes a mysterious girl from Krypton, Superman's cousin...Supergirl again. Not back from the dead, though; back from a different reality. I guess. They still haven't really explained all that to the readers yet.

Then you have the Green Lantern, Hal Jordan. Again, this is one you would know from SuperFriends. There are literally thousands of Green Lanterns, five of which happen to be human and the rest of which are from other solar systems. Hal was Earth's "space sector" Lantern (this planet and the ones nearby), 2814. Well, one day while Hal was off in space doing something else entirely, one of Superman's villains, the Cyborg, went and destroyed his hometown, Coast City, and all seven million people who lived there. After helping the newly-resurrected Superman mop up that mess, Hal went absolutely batshit insane and tried to become all-powerful so he could bring the city back. Long story short, he was a villain for a while, then died in an act of redemption that reignited the sun and saved humanity; for a while he was the ghostly hero The Spectre, but then he came back to life, found out that he had been possessed by an alien called Parallax when he was crazy, defeated Parallax and became a living hero again. One of Hal's last acts before going villain was to kill his archenemy, Sinestro, with the fairly brutal act of snapping his neck. Both are now alive; only Hal's resurrection ever got explained, so far as I am aware.

And Superman's death was the most-publicized, of course. It was the most major death of all. He fought an unstoppable genetically engineered alien menace called Doomsday in a battle across the entire country, landing back (naturally) in Metropolis, where the two fought until they both fell down dead. However, it turned out Superman's body had residual solar energy allowing him to be brought back through a series of Advanced Comic Book Science procedures; and Doomsday, it turned out, couldn't ever die ever, and that in fact wasn't just a random fact, it was most of his super-power. They eventually tried to kill Doomsday again by sending him via time machine to the very end of time, but I think he squirmed out of that one, too.

Thor is "dead" right now, too, over in Marvel; those wacky Norse gods finally had their Twilight of the Gods and all of Asgard, Thor apparently included, ceased to exist. His hammer recently returned to earth, though, and it's been built-in that the Twilight of the Gods, Ragnarok, happens every few million years before things reset anyway. So we're due for a reset. But the last Thor is pretty dead, anyway.

Witness the Blue Beetle. He, like Captain Ameirca, was recently shot and killed (he took one straight through the old brain) and was then, in fact, cremated. Very, very dead. But worry not, for now there is a new Blue Beetle in a fancy new costume carrying on his legacy.

The same for one of my personal favorite characters, The Sandman (not the Neil Gaiman one, although that was an extremely good comic, but the original 1939-created mystery man); the first and previous iteration, Wesley Dodds, lived a very long life but died as an elderly man in somewhat Obi-Wan like fashion in a confrontation with the villain Mordru; his old-timey sidekick Sandy had finally grown up by this time (and not aged much, thanks to even more Comic Book Science) and for a while he went about simply as "Sand", but finally he tacked "Man" on, got himself a proper fedora and is doing the old man's business. You can see him a few posts ago on that awesome JSA cover. Now The Sandman, he even seems to have inherited one of Wesley's old powers; premonitions that come to him as dreams (leading to his awesome first reappearance in the new JSA series where he just shows up and says "I had a nightmare", which is great because if The Sandman has a nightmare, the shit has hit the fan). I guess if I had to pick a character I "missed" after they died, it would be Wes, because I'm really pretty sure Wes is never, ever coming back. Time has literally passed him by; he's one of the few characters that was able to get old and die as an old man (Ted Knight, the first Starman, was another one).

And just last week, with virtually no fanfare anywhere (not even amongst comic fans) we lost the Elongated Man, who seems to have died defeating the devil. I was pretty damn shocked by that one simply because there was no advertisement; he'd been in a very long and good storyline, and it's ending was, very unexpectedly, his death. Will he be back? I kind of hope so, but on the other hand, he died beating the devil, and to quote still another fictional character (The Spider, an old pulp fiction hero), "By god, man, that's the way to die."

And although I guess I'd miss him, I think if Steve Rogers, the original Captain America, were to have finally been allowed to retire, and a replacement is allowed to come in and do the job and be the star of the stories from here on out, it would be okay. And if it's all just a publicity stunt like when Superman died, that'd be fine too, because while it's not high art or anything that was a really fun story, if you ask me. Because when all is said and done, these characters' lives and deaths and rebirths and redeaths and so on really only matter if they produce a story some people like. And as you can tell, there have been a few I've liked quite a bit. Since in the long run they're fictional heroes, they've done their job well, and they've entertained us.

That'll do, Cap. That'll do.

Updates, Geek Stuff, and Such
posted with a shrug at 10:54 pm on February 23 2007

Sorry for the complete and total lack of updates. I have two...two...TWO posts in one for you today. First is the Whiny Guy Blog Update. Ready? Here we go.

I have no job.
My glasses are broken.
My car has suddenly decided it won't start.

There you go. All of these things have just happened this week (the car thing just a brief time ago tonight, in fact) but, on the bright side, all these things can, of course, be fixed; however, not like, right now, which is kind of a bummer. But I'm not letting it get me down.

Now, I leave you with more geek stuff. This is offered without comment because I don't know entirely what it is; it's a teaser image from DC Comics.

Geek Stuff: Alive!!!
posted happily at 6:41 pm on January 24 2007

Remember, quite a while back, I told you about the cover for the comic "The Return" and the symbol? I didn't squeal then, but that was the logo for Captain Marvel (Marvel's Captain Marvel, that is; DC has one, too, and he's the one you probably know, the one that says "Shazam!").

Well, the issue came out today and while I haven't been to the shop yet, I understand here is the final cover, and ladies and gentlemen, after two decades too many, he is back, the real deal himself. Not his son, not someone randomly using his name, but the real, genuine Captain Marvel:

I know a lot of the internet-type fans are upset about this; I'm not. I believe the reasons behind killing him off in the first place were good intentioned but ill-considered; I don't think, regardless of how good the story wound up being, that it should have ever happened. Certainly, it shouldn't have been allowed to last this long while other, more sensible comic-book-deaths have been undone casually countless times since. And that's my thought on it.

Okay, and, to the people at Marvel Comics: Start selling me Captain Marvel comics. Lots of them. NOW!

Geek Stuff: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
posted hastily at 6:47 pm on January 13 2007

Yaaaah! Look at the cover of Justice Society of America 5! I cannot quite impart upon you exactly how much I love this cover. The Sandman!

The issue comes out April 25...it's part 2 of a 5-part crossover with the Justice League of America, and that's cool too, but...that cover!

Boredom: Illness Communications
blah blah 11:39 am blah blah January 12 2007

I have some kind of vicious stomach flu thing. Have had it since last week some time. It is unpleasant. That is all on that note.

Back to the week's boring subject: I have finished reading, and was very pleased with, Justice, Inc. I also read the somewhat lackluster Doc novel Cold Death before starting the more satisfying Death In Little Houses.

There's an unspoken horror in Justice, Inc. that seems particularly brutal. I don't know if this was ever recanted in a later novel, but the event that leads to Benson becoming the Avenger is the act of his wife and very young daughter being thrown by criminals from a plane in flight, without parachutes, whilst Benson was in (no kidding) the restroom. Thousands of feet up, innocent people tossed to meet violent ends. That's got to be one of the more brutal "origin stories" I have ever come across.

Anyway, when it finally came time to order up some books, I didn't wind up getting any Operator 5 after all...I went with G-8 instead, because the idea of over-the-top aerial adventure really appealed to me at this time.

Also exciting: Tomorrow when I go pick up the latest batch of comics, I should have not only Civil War issue 6, but also Thunderbolts issue 110, which is the debut of the new team including Venom, Bullseye, and the Green Goblin. I'm looking forward to that. Still no release date on Omega Flight, incidentally.

Okay then.

Boredom: The Siege That Brought This Update
posted from the undisclosed location at 12:59 pm on January 9 2007

Two posts in two days? What fresh madness is this?

Anyway, a few things: The Purple Invasion mentioned yesterday ran for 13 novels, not 18 as I said. Also, it does not seem that they're all available any longer. At one time, perhaps, but so far more than half (all the second half, actually) seem to be unavailable everywhere I look.

Also, I did start reading Justice, Inc. last night, and am enjoying it, and to compare I pulled out the 3 CDs I have of the Avenger radio show. Nothing like the novels, now that I am able to compare. Don't get me wrong, I still like the show, but it's basically The Shadow Light. I still think they're good radio mysteries, if not excellent ones (I am reminded that some of the cast are a little wonky, at least in the 2 shows I listened to last night). But, anyway.

So, back to Operator 5: I don't know if I'm going to pursue The Purple Invasion saga; I think I may just check out a novel or two, just to see what it's like. The same people, Adventure House, have lately been republishing The Green Lama in their High Adventure magazine; I may grab a couple issues of that. And of course they have a good series of G-8 and His Battle Aces reprints; I've always wanted to read some vintage "adventure in the sky" stories, so I might try one of those. Not to count Operator 5 out by any means, because I hear the whole series is good pulp, and particularly lurid to boot...and, being a fan of The Spider, I'd like that.

Anyway. So, that's what counts for a post these days.

Boredom: The Purple Invasion
posted from the undisclosed location at 11:41 am on January 8 2007

So this is a new heading, the Boredom heading. This is so you know that I'm writing under extreme boredom, with my mind wandering and probably (as is the case today) under the influence of too-little sleep.

I may have mentioned this elsewhere recently, but my thing right now are the old pulp novels. The Shadow is a lifelong favorite, of course, but my first experiences with the character were from the radio show. The 1994 Alec Baldwin movie kind of touches on the way the pulps were, with his recurring nemesis Shiwan Khan and some of the Shadow's aides, including Moe Shrevnitz (played by the late, lamented Peter Boyle) and Burbank, the mysterious communications officer. Also interesting is that the head of the police in the film was Wainwright Barth, not the more familiar Commissioner Weston. Anyway, I'm digressing. The point is, you probably are familiar with the Shadow.

You may have heard of Doc Savage; ignore the movie. I haven't seen it in many years, and when I did it was something I'd recorded off of late-night TV; frankly, all I remember is the ending promising a sequel that never came. So I can't say anything, but I've never read of a Doc fan who liked it. I didn't really get into the books until recently, but there are plenty of them (181 in the original series), and a great many of them are available at used bookstores in paperback thanks to the extensive (complete, actually) Bantam paperback reprints from the '60s through 1990. Some Docs are really, really fantastic adventure stories...the first one, The Man of Bronze, would be a great place to start. A company called Nostalgia Ventures is reprinting some of them, 2 per release; they're doing the same for the Shadow, actually, which is nice because the Shadow novels are harder to come across.

I've most recently discovered the Spider, and I'm totally captivated by it. Granted, it's usually somewhat easy to boil down the Spider plots into a formula (menace-escape-vengeance being the 3-word version), but it doesn't matter; they're great pulp writing. Hardboiled, two-fisted action all the way through. I actually find Richard Wentworth...the Spider's alter-ego...to be a surprisingly fleshed-out character sometimes; his angsty sense of self-sacrifice and self-denial is fairly deep, psychologically speaking.

Then there's the Avenger. I haven't quite gotten into the Avenger's text adventures yet; I am very familiar with his brief life on the radio, though, having a fair amount of the shows in my collection. I understand they're quite different; at the moment my collection of the novels (also reprinted in the '70s; volumes 1-24 are the original series, and 25-36 are '70s continuations, which I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to bother collecting) is comprised of only 2 (Justice, Inc., the series premiere, and The Blood Ring). I actually plan to read Justice, Inc. before the end of this week.

What I want to explore next is a somewhat less familiar character: Operator 5. I've been reading as much as I can about the character (I haven't read the novels yet) and I'm completely intrigued by the magnum opus of the series, The Purple Invasion. It was, as I understand, a series of ongoing novels published each month in the magazine for 18 months that dealt with the invasion and conquest of America by the Purple Empire, and its eventual liberation of America spearheaded by Operator 5 himself, Jimmy Christopher. I've actually seen it described as "The War and Peace of the pulps". Needless to say, I strongly desire to read it. It was reprinted by Adventure House in their High Adventure magazine (which I think I'm going to just have to break down and subscribe to), but those back issues seem to be sorta hard to find. But I'm working on it. Of course, I'm not diving in whole-hog; I'm going to read the first part of the Purple Invasion before I go nuts and shell out the lot of them. I actually think I should read the first Operator 5 novel, The Masked Invasion, before going any further; that's available in a PDF from the Vintage Library for a scant $4.95. So, actually, that's what I'll most likely do.

Anyway, that's all; just ruminating on what I plan to read, and hunt down, and that sort of thing. I'll update you on the whole Operator 5 business as it progresses. I'm sure you'll be dangling by your fingertips in suspense until I do.

Anyway the Wind Blows
posted with good old-fashioned rock and roll playing at 9:37 pm on January 6 2007

This is the year-in-preview column. Which year?

Why, the eighth year of Why Not, that's which year!

That's right, welcome to year eight of the Why Not Dynasty. Through ups and downs, lefts and rights, wars and disasters, this site has regularly brought you the finest in...well...me going on about pretty much nothing since 1999. That's two centuries of goodness!

From our humble beginnings as a lame wrestling proto-blog (before such things existed, of course), to a kind of politics thing for a couple of months, to whatever the hell it is you're reading now, we've been there for you. We are still accepting donations. So far we have raised 13 cents, which is everything I could find in my pocket before writing this post.

Anyway, let's see, what can you expect from Why Not this year? More of the same. But here, in best this-is-not-a-blog-oh-wait-it's-a-blog fashion, is what I'm looking forward to in the 2-double ought-7.

1) Marvel's Omega Flight. It was a scant 3 years ago that I put the most recent relaunch of Alpha Flight in my preview of what I was looking for, and within the year, it was canned. But this time, it has to be different. New name, mostly new team...including, apparently, a former Spider-Woman (now called Arachne), the U.S. Agent (a mean Captain America, basically), and good ol' Beta Ray Bill, who just happens to be an alien possessing all the powers of Thor. They could put this out twice daily and I'd buy it.

2) The Grateful Dead, after taking most if not all of 2006 off, are back releasing Vault material, and they're starting later this month with 12/31/76 from the Cow Palace. And it's good to see stuff coming from the Vault again. 2006 was a sad, dry period. And where better to start than the generally under-represented year of 1976? So, you know, this could be the start of something great.

3) 359 more days of campaign speculation, until we're actually back in an election year. There's nothing better I love than a no-chance politician announcing his unwanted candidacy, only to drop pitifully out by a October, 13 months before the election, assuring that nobody will even remember he was ever a candidate by the time they make it to the polls in '08. That, my friends, is topical humor.

4) Lots of movies. Mostly nerd movies: Spider-Man 3, Transformers, Rise of the Silver Surfer. Bring 'em on! I'm sure there's actually many other good movies coming, some of them with fine scripts and no special effects, but they hardly ever get any prerelease publicity unless its the latest Brad Pitt movie nobody goes and sees, despite him still being considered one of the biggest stars in the world somehow.

5) The second half of the first season of Heroes.

6) Another merciless, never-ending, why-the-hell-am-I-still-watching-this-is-this-really-what-I've-come-to season of American Idol.

7) At least 10 more posts (bwah ha ha) on this very page!

You see, every year I resolve to post more frequently, and every year I fail. But I'm throwing it out there again. I'd like for this to be a big year here on the site, with a record-breaking number of posts both here and on the board. Granted, the long-since-forgotten plan of starting some online colony isn't ever coming, but that's fine...I'm not in this for the glory. I'm in this for the, uh, well, the time-wasting, actually.

So...and I swear this is the last time I'll use this for a while, because I only riff on Orson Welles when I'm feeling sentimental, which happens around this time ever year...until next time I remain, as always, obediently yours. And for the old-timers, I say: Be good to yourselves, and each other. And hey...let's be careful out there.