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Men's and Women's English

  Men and women don't speak the same language.
Here is a crib sheet for decoding.

  • Yes = No
  • No = Yes
  • Maybe = No
  • I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
  • We need = I want
  • It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  • We need to talk = I need to complain
  • Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  • You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  • You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  • Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
  • I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
  • Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  • You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
  • Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
  • Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
  • I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
  • I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
  • I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
  • I'm tired. = I'm tired.
  • Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
  • You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
  • What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
    are you going through now?
  • What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  • I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
  • I love you. = Let's have sex now.
  • I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
  • Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
  • Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  • Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
    and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  • Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
and FINALLY... (while shopping)
  • I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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