 (Thanx Firesign Theatre) |
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(FST Commentator): "Here's the official, stolen, government training film of the secret plan to deal with an alien uprising." (Martial music swells in the background) (NCO-In-Charge Commentator): "Classified ultra-secret! Air Force generals only! Ten-hut! At ease mens (sic), take your seat!" (The General): "This is General Curtis Goatheart. If you are viewing this film, then we are under extraterrestrial attack. Beware- your brain may no longer be the boss! If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are probably hallucinating. Listen carefully!" (One second burst of ringing alarm bell) (NCOIC): "What to do if an alien appears! ONE!" (The General): "Drop beneath the seat of your plane and look away." (NCOIC): "TWO!" (The General): "Avoid eye contact." (NCOIC): "THREE!" (The General): "If there are no eyes, avoid all contact." (One second burst of ringing alarm bell) (NCOIC): "How to identify alleged sightings! ONE!" (The General): "Pie plates, or as reflections in the atmosphere." (NCOIC): "TWO!" (The General): "Dry cleaning bags filled with marsh gas, or..." (NCOIC) "THREE!" (The General): "Mass insanity!" (One second burst of ringing alarm bell) (NCOIC): "How to inform your wife, and others under your command!" (Bugle blowing reville in the background, faint drumbeat, soft clatter of dinnerware) (General's Wife): "...Can I freshen that up for you?..." (The Colonel): "I don't know how she got that requisition..." (General's Wife): "Oh, she gets it in the back..." (The Colonel): "Well, she's not allowed to have them unless she's..." (Another Officer): "Unless she's related to the (undecipherable) of the PX..." (Sound of a spoon repeatedly striking a water glass) (The General): "Honey and men- I have something awesome to reveal to you." (The Colonel): "Well, go ahead, sir." (General's Wife): "Go ahead." (The General): "Two flying saucers have just landed on my plate." (Long moment of silence) (The Colonel): "Well, turn away sir- I'll eat them." (Nervous laughter) (Sound of a spoon repeatedly striking a water glass) (The General): "Men- our greatest fear is realized- we are under attack from superior consciousness." (The Colonel): "The eggs, sir?" (The General): "They're only the beginning." (More nervous laughter) (Another Officer): "Can I have some more of those flapjacks?" (The General): "All right, men- questions? Questions?" (The Major): "Ah, sir?" (The General): "Yes, Major?" (The Major): "Ah, pass the ah, syrup, General?" (The General): "That's a good idea, Chuck, but syrup won't stop 'em!" (Another Officer): "But, sir..." (The Colonel): "Ah, sir?" (The General): "Colonel?" (The Colonel): "Are you nuts?" (The General): "H-Hmmm! That is just exactly what they want you to believe! (chuckle)" (The Colonel): "The eggs, sir?" (The General): "Let's just call them 'the phenomena' " (The Colonel): "Well, if I may respectfully submit, sir, I think you've got your phenomena scrambled, General." (More nervous laughter) (General's Wife): "What about my eggs, dear?" (The General): "Honey- they're in- everybody's eggs!" (The Colonel, slightly sarcastically): "Good lord!" (Faint drumbeat, soft clatter of dinnerware in the background) (The General's wife begins sobbing hysterically, but softly) (Another Officer): "I think I'm going to have to leave this table..." (The Major): "...another cup of coffee, sir- settle you down a bit..." (NCOIC): "CONCLUSION!" (The General): "They think he is insane. Yet he outranks them. His option- command!" (NCOIC): "ONE!" (The General): "He seals off the area." (NCOIC): "TWO!" (The General): "Secures the cooperation of local officials." (NCOIC): "THREE!" (The General): "Obtains expert scientific susistence (sic)." (NCOIC): "FOUR!" (The General): "Evacuates all government employees, and..." (NCOIC): "FIVE!" (The General): "...bombs aliens back to stone age!" (Martial music swells up in the background) (NCOIC): "END OF FILM!" |
