Samantha/Sherlock Spike's Top Ten Buffy Lists

Note From Judy: Before we start, I just want to thank Ragna for lending me the Buffy pic at the top of this page. Thanks, Ragna! And now, some hilarious top ten lists...

TOP TEN FAILED GIMMICKS TO BRING MORE FANS TO BUFFY:

10. Occasionally, out of nowhere, Buffy screams "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!", leaps into the air, and throws a very sharp Frisbie at Angel.

9. Any fan that can find the Superman in the background of Angel's apartment wins a free dinner with Principal Snyder.

8. Every time a cop is needed for an episode, Mulder and Scully are on the case.

7. Once an episode, Willow turns towards the camera and gives the audience a hint for "Myst"

6. The Library is festooned with dancers from "Showgirls" and extras from "Hercules".

5. The opening credits now feature the entire cast nude while doing "The Electric Slide".

4. During fights, Buffy stops and shows the audience how to carve apples into those cute little crane shapes with stakes.

3. Joss tells everyone the season finale will rival Becoming. The actual episode: the Angel and Snyder Variety Hour.

2. "The Bridges of Madison County" has a very prominent scene in which Clint Eastwood is revealed to be the Chaos Demon.

And the Number One failed gimmick to bring more fans to Buffy... 1. Spike in trenchcoat. And nothing else. (okay, so that would be a good thing ;)

SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT SPIKE:

10. Is considered a god in a small African village

9. Voted for Perot.

8. Got smashed at Mardi Gras and mooned the Bacchus King for some beads.

7. Does a bitchin' Jerry Lewis impersonation.

6. Once got lost for an entire day in the big ball at Epcot Center.

5. When they first got started, Spike was the drummer for Hanson.

4. For one episode, he filled in as the host of "America's Funniest Home Videos"

3. A minion accidentally dropped a cross into Spike's pants about thirty years ago, and he inspired the Twist.

2. Lost millions investing in pet rocks and slap bracelets.

And the number one surprising Spike fact: 1. The cheekbones? One word: Implants.

PROPOSED PLOTS FOR THE NEW BUFFY MOVIE:

10. The bad guys in this one--the IRS, looking for 200 years of back taxes from Angel.

9. Cordelia is wiped out financially and turns to flipping burgers at MacDonald's.

8. Buffy's new love interest is killed by a one-armed man.

7. After Spike discovers that Denny's gives free birthday dinners, he sues for 200 free meals.

6. Buffy and Faith go off to Japan and get jobs slicing and dicing in a sushi bar.

5. Giles' evil secret comes out: twenty years of unreturned book fines at Oxford.

4. Angel finds out that vampires REALLY come from the same place where Smurfs live.

3. Jim Carrey is the first vampire first! (Sorry---had to be done)

2. Angel and Buffy get back together, but then Spike shows up and she forgets Angel exists. And the number one proposed plot for the new Buffy movie is...

1. Buffy saves the world--again--only to find out that her destiny REALLY was just a trust fund.

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES FOR THE BUFFY CHARACTERS:

10. "Hi, this is the Anointed One. My mom can't come to the phone right now..."

9. "You've reached the Calendar residence. If you want to talk to Jenny Calendar, please leave a message and she'll call you back as soon as she rises from the grave."

8. "If you're looking for Rupert Giles, I'm afraid he's unconscious. Leave a message at the beep and he'll get back to you after Cordy slaps him around."

7. "Hello, this is the Bronze. We're closed right now due to a terrible fight that seems to happen like clockwork once a week, except for during the summer and sometimes for a couple of weeks during the winter..."

6. "I'm sorry, but Ms. Summers isn't in right now. She's shopping for books on self-denial. Leave a message."

5. "Xander Harris here. I'm either off defying Buffy's instructions, doing something stupid, or both. Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon as Giles stops yelling."

4. "This is Spike's apartment. At the sound of the beep, leave your name, phone number, address, and blood type. Thanks."

3. "You've reached Angel's place. Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you with a cryptic warning."

2. "You've reached Willow Rosenberg. I'm out being unreliable. Leave a message." And the Number One BtVS Answering Machine message is...

1. "This is Buffy Summers I'm out on patrol right now Please leave a message

ELEVEN THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE WRITERS LISTENED TO US:

11. Buffy & co. would own a lot of lettuce and marshmallows.

10. Faith would be the town whore (wait, that's already happened ;)

9. Willow would have kept Evil Willow's leather outfit.

8. Buffy would end up with someone other than Soul-Boy or Scott Hope

7. "Passion" would have never happened

6. Angel would be forced to learn a new way to act other than panting

5. Spike would show up more often. With the Spike Girls in tow.

4. Every guy gets leather pants, and wears them. Constantly.

3. Giles would run the Watchers and have them jumping through hoops.

2. Fifty-two weeks a year. Sure, new episodes galore!

And the number one thing that would happen if the writers listened to us...

1. Spike gets a nude scene. I say, we have a right to know if he has any tattoos or identifying marks anywhere on his body.