Author: Judy/Beatle Spike/Miss Ronette
Title: Return of B*T*V*S
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from M*A*S*H or BtVS. I do not own Ragna. She owns herself, as do I.
Feedback: For the love of God, YES!!!
Distribution: Ask Ragna. It's hers.
Note: Mild Giles bashing. Angela is one of my personalities. I have four. Since Ragna asked to be in this sequel and nobody else did, she is in it. To read B*U*F*F*Y and B*T*V*S, go to my fanfic page.
It was a perfect day at the 4077th MASH. Angel had gone bye-bye, courtesy of Buffy (believe it or not) and Dru wasn't really insane. She still held onto Miss Edith, though, for sentimental value.
But the day wasn't so great for everyone. Ragna and Radar had broken up.
"Can you believe that little twerp?" she yelled to BJ. "He told me that I was too young for him! And he's only 19!"
"So what did you do?" asked mild-mannered BJ. (As if he cared.)
"What did I do? I broke the bastard's glasses! Now he can't see."
"How very mature of you," was the sarcastic answer.
"Hey! You can't talk to me that way! I have friends you know. Friends with laptops who can cut you out of this whole goddamn story!"
Angela wandered in with Spike and Dru in tow. She had been giving the vampires a tour of the camp, but the spell that enabled them to be out in the light was wearing off. As she needed another person to help cast the spell and Willow was making out with Oz for the twentieth time that day and it was making Angela sick (because she wanted to be the one making out with Oz), she needed help.
Then Angela noticed Ragna's temper tantrum. "Whoa, someone's suffering from company-clerk-breakup syndrome!" she exclaimed, for she was familiar with such problems (despite never having actually experienced them).
"Go to hell," came the loving response.
"That can be arranged," said Angela, preparing to type it into her computer.
Dru stopped her. "Don't bother. How are we going to get back if you send yourself to hell?"
"Oh, yeah, forgot. I wanna send Soul-Boy to hell again, but he's dead!"
Spike said, "How about you have him rise from the ashes and go straight to hell? But don't let Joss get hold of your laptop. He'll make a bloody mess of it!"
Ragna raised her head. "Hello? Can we get back to the most important thing here--me?"
"Why don't you try going out with other men? That might take your mind off Radar," suggested BJ.
"But Hawkeye's already taken."
"So? You've still got me." p> "You're married!"
And then BJ and Ragna started kissing. Dru, Spike, and Angela left before they were forced to witness scenes that are not appropriate for a PG-rated fic.
"Well, I guess I'll have to get Giles," sighed Angela, obviously not happy with the prospect of having to deal with the pompous Watcher. "Otherwise you two are gonna fry."
Charles Winchester, Ferret Face Burns's replacement, overheard. "Why don't you get Igor? His food is enough to make you believe that he's a warlock or some other abomination."
"Gee, thanks, Mister Shiny Bald Head!" exclaimed Angela. To show her appreciation, she gave him a big wet kiss. Then the trio ran off in order to find the cook.
"Oh, it's no use! I'm never gonna find anyone!" wailed Ragna.
"God, what now?" asked Buffy. She was very annoyed that she had been interrupted in her make-out session with Hawkeye. Hawkeye, however, was quite relieved. He needed air.
"BJ told me that he felt guilty because he wasn't being faithful to his wife. Two days ago he didn't care! Just when you think you've found someone they turn around and stab you in the back."
"Don't worry," said Angela soothingly, for she was getting tired of having to solve other people's problems and wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so she could get back to writing her latest fic, "there's always more men. It's a big pond out there. Go catch a fish! How about Klinger? He seems perfectly nice."
"All right. I knew I could count on you! Thank you sooo much!"
"Yeah," the little writer said under her breath, "that's what they all say."
"So Igor was able to help you?" asked Giles.
"Uh-huh. He was a little startled at my knowing that he was a warlock, but he got over it. Spike and Dru can walk around in the sunlight for another week. One of these days I'm gonna have to find a permanent spell for it."
"Dear god, no!" gasped Giles. "They would wreak absolute havoc."
"Du-uh, that's the idea," said Angela as if she were talking to a retarded three-year-old. Which, if you thought about it, was Giles' mental capacity. "I think it's somebody's nap time."
"Noooo! I don't wanna. You can't make me."
"Oh, no? Who's the fanfic writer here, me or you?"
"I'll be good."
"Now that's more like it."
"Oh, god, Ragna, don't tell me you broke up *again*," groaned Drusilla. She was really getting tired of this.
"Yeah. But *I* dumped *him*, not the other way around."
"And the reason was...?" asked Spike.
Dead serious (hehehe), Ragna said, "He had a better fashion sense than me."
"How'd you get revenge for such an awful crime?" Dru asked. She, being a woman (sort of), understood such things, whereas Spike, being a man, could not.
"I stole his Scarlett O'Hara dress." "The yellow one?" "Of course."
"Good for you!"
"And the best thing is, by the time we get back to Sunnydale, he won't have noticed 'til then."
" 'Cause we're leaving tomorrow."
"What?!" chorused Spike and Dru together.
"Angela said that if we stayed too long, we'd upset the time-balance something or other. I dunno. I wasn't really paying attention."
"What about the Slayer? You know she won't let go of that black-haired Don Juan unless you pry her off with a bloody crowbar," said Spike.
"Oh, yeah, he's coming with us."
"Great. Just what we need," Spike groaned.
"Goodbye!" called Ragna. The whole camp had turned out to see the group leave, and to wish Hawkeye well.
Radar came running up to her His weird hat was askew and sweat ran down his face into his hastily mended glasses. Definitely not the stuff dreams are made of.
"Ragna?" he asked tentatively, not sure if she would rip his head off or not.
"What do *you* want?"
"I-I...I was so wrong. I never should have broken up with you. Can you forgive me?"
Ragna pretended to think for a moment. "Umm...how do I say this...no?"
"Oh. I understand."
She couldn't resist leaving without mending the rift between the two, though. Ragna kissed Radar, long and hard. Then, with a flash, the group, plus Hawkeye, were on their way back to Sunnydale.
"Well, said Angela, "It's been a great two weeks, but I have to get back. See ya round?"
"Yeah," said Willow, who had finally taken her lips off Oz's long enough to speak. "Come back and visit sometime."
"All right." With a smile and a flash, the pint-sized fanfic writer was gone.
"NOT!" said everyone at the same time.