Tears Of A Clown

Author: Judy/Beatle Spike

Title: Tears Of A Clown

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I do not own Xander. Joss, the WB, Mutant Enemy, and anyone else who holds a share in their stocks do.

Spoilers: Set in fictional Season 4.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Inspiration: The song "Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson.


There we have it, folks, another failed relationship. Well, what do you expect from Xander Harris? It's a law of physics: nothing is allowed to go right for him.

I can't go on like this. I can't keep playing the fool all the time. As it is no one takes me seriously. Continuing to be the class clown is just exacerbating the problem.

That's probably why Cordelia got so mad at me. I told her I wanted to break up, but she didn't believe me. She thought I was just kidding. Perhaps, deep down, the first time, I was. But when I repeated my request, dead serious, she lost it.

That's usually how women deal with it, I guess. Of course, this is my first time breaking up with a girl. Not the other way around. Men don't tend to get so over-emotional about it. I mean, look at me. I've suffered uncountable rejections over the years, but I've never made that big a deal over them.

Now I'm not saying that I wasn't hurt by them, I really was, but I just never let it show. I hid it with jokes and antics. I did such a good job at hiding my real emotions that I fooled everyone--including myself. I fooled myself for such a long time that I began to believe that I was immune to girls.

Until I met Cordy. I couldn't believe I was actually attracted to her. What made our relationship so exciting was the mysteriousness, the danger that we might get caught. That was what made it fun. But when it got into the open, it became something more than lust. Our relationship became real. And that's what scared me.

I didn't *want* it to become real. I wanted to keep it as it was, with the elements of danger and excitement, with the quickie make-out sessions in closets. I became panicked, for I was so afraid of opening up my heart to someone. That's why I broke up with Cordelia.

And now I have no one. Not Willow, because she has Oz. Not Cordy, because she's in L.A. rather than facing me. And certainly not Buffy, who still pines for Angel, also in L.A. Buffy wouldn't even look at me now that the one she really loves is gone.

I am alone. For the clown always stands alone.


Email: judy_slayer@gurlmail.com