Author: Judy/Beatle Spike
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from MASH or BtVS.
Distribution: Let me know the address.
Note: BAD, bad, bad, badfic. A BtVS and MASH crossover. Basically, the characters from Buffy annoy the characters from MASH.
Spike and Drusilla were in the library spying on the Scooby Gang when out of nowhere, an unfamiliar girl arrived. She smiled brightly.
"Hi," she said. "I'm Angela, and I own all of your actions in this story, even if I don't own you personally, so I say that y'all are going to Korea. You get to annoy the characters from M*A*S*H!"
Angel said in his broodingly morose way, "I remember when that show was new. It was a long time ago."
Angela said, "Give the vamp a prize! He figured that out all by himself. Good doggie, Hair Boy."
Spike couldn't keep his mouth shut. He started laughing. "You two can come out of there," Angela called. "We know you're in there, so stick 'em up!"
They were all preparing to leave when she said, "Wait! I need to put something in this story so you three vamps can be out in the sunlight. It wouldn't be any fun if you couldn't annoy one hundred percent of the time. Sooo...Abracadabra, blah blah blitty-blah. It's done."
Then, with a burst of light they were on their way. The Scooby Gang, plus three, fell on their butts from the shock of time-traveling. Dazed, they all got up. Angela laughed delightedly. Spike looked at her intently. She couldn't have been older than fourteen, at the most. She was wearing a fuzzy black sweater with pink tulips, red roses, and unidentifiable purple flowers on it and carpenter jeans. On her feet she wore black boots with stiletto heels. Angela's light brown short bob was swept up on one side with a heart-shaped barette. Ugh. She was almost as cutesy in her dressing habits as Willow. But waaay prettier. Too bad she wasn't older. What Spike wanted to do to her...
"Spike, stop leering at me and pay attention," Angela said, annoyed. "I only put that in there because I wanted to up my self-esteem by writing it, so that's as far as I'm letting it go."
Buffy then spotted a guard with a huge nose wearing a beautiful black sheath. "Too bad he's so good looking as that dress. That would look totally hot on me."
Cordelia argued, "As if! Black looks way better on me! You look all pasty and dead in black." Then, as Brood Boy, Dru, and Spike all glared at her, "Sor-ry! I forgot, okay?"
Then Angela said, "You don't get to talk anymore. From now on, you don't get any more lines. The funny ones all go to Xander, Spike, Buffy, and most importantly, me."
Cordy started to say, "But--"
"No more buts! Be quiet!"
"Yay! Can you put a zipper over her mouth, too?" Xander asked hopefully.
Angela grinned. "Sure. Okay, I'm writing this in now: 'Suddenly a zipper appears where Cordelia's mouth should be.' No, make that, 'a BIG zipper'." And so it was done.
Suddenly three men and one woman in white suits appeared. Their eyes darted from Spike's bleached hair to Dru's flowing gown to Angel's velvet shirt and leather pants (Eeew!) to the stake in Buffy's hand to Xander's plaid shirt to Willow's book of spells to Oz's spikey hair to Cordelia's expensive clothes to Angela's laptop computer, on which she typed constantly.
One of them, who looked a bit like a rodent, said imperiously, "Who are you? What are you doing here? This is highly unmilitary."
Drusilla began to shake. "This one is bad," she said, pointing at Frank. "He's...not, not... true."
The other two surgeons snickered. "You got that right," said the one with straight, dark hair.
The blonde nurse poked the doctor. "Shut up, Hawkeye! Can't you see that this poor girl is upset?"
"Hold on a minute," said Angela, not looking up from her laptop for a second, "let me get this down. Maybe I should alter this a bit..."
Spike whispered in her ear, "No, leave it just as it is. It'll be fun. Let Dru kill him."
Drusilla said in a silky voice, "Look at me and you will be rewarded, my dark man."
Helpless, Frank Burns, gazed into the seductress's eyes. "Come to me," she said. Frank advanced, and Drusilla then sank her fangs into his neck and drained him.
Hawkeye said, "Thanks! We never could find a way to get rid of him."
Willow, wide-eyed, said, "You mean that you're not running away screaming in terror at what you just saw?"
Trapper John said, "Hell, no. We see so much destruction and death that we're desensitized by now."
"Ooops, gotta go. My father's yelling at me to get off the computer, sooo..."
And they found themselves back at Sunnydale High Library. "Bye," Angela said. Blink! And here I sit typing very fast and having my father yell at me to get off the computer.