THE PROBLEM:
Jewish singles are tired of the
dating game and, therefore, either drop out
all together or date non-Jewish.
THE
SOLUTION:
TECHNIQUES FOR YOUR
PURSUIT (in no
particular
order)
NETWORK
ATTITUDE
Learn to see meeting
any new person as an opportunity. Everyone
knows someone.
Not necessarily will you find a date or a
friend at any I.S.O. activities but perhaps
you will find a date or friend through
someone you become acquainted with.
Keep an OPEN MIND: You may not consider obese women or men, widows or widowers, single parents or smokers to be fit for you; however, you never know what resources they might have to offer. Sometimes the answers to life's mysteries lie in the most unexpected places.
A Few Suggestions from
Coordinator of
I.S.O.:
Be Proactive:
COMMENT
FROM COMMUNITY LEADER:
Lori Cadel, Single's
Coordinator of Baltimore Jewish Community
Center
"I do believe that if people want something
that isn't offered, they should be proactive
in getting it.
If singles would commit to programs and work
to build them up, there would be more
offered. As it stands, singles won't commit
to any activities until the last minute.
There have been synogogues willing to sponsor
singles programs but the people wouldn't make
a commitment so they die out.
The programs only work when people take some
ownership in them and spread them in their
respective communities. A lot of people will
peak into a program and if it's not packed
they leave. Even at Bibelot some don't
commit to sitting in a seat. If everyone
went to an event and stayed, no matter what,
more people would come. It is also a money
issue. It is very difficult to put out money
for a good program and risk no one showing
up, or standing outside and not
paying.
These programs are self supporting and if
people don't want to pay, then the good
programs can't be offered."
COMMENT
FROM COMMUNITY LEADER: Rabbi Elan
Adler
My name is Rabbi Adler of Beth Tfiloh
Congregation in Baltimore. Our modern
Orthodox Synagogue has been very active in
reaching out to singles in the area.
Presently we are looking to revive an
interest in this area.
I was single until December 11, 1996, when I
married my wife, Dr. Rivkah Lambert. She has
two children from a previous marriage, and we
all live together with great harmony,
blessing and joy. I mention this because
when I speak to singles, I'm speaking from a
lot of experience as a bachelor for 41
years.
I spoke at Bibelot, a local bookstore here in
Baltimore, about a month ago, to a group of
nearly 60 people. Here are some excerpts
from that presentation.
Singles have some particular characteristics,
which tell everyone they are single. They
have lots of pictures of pets on their office
desk. They leave too much detail on voice
mail. They have a hard time committing to
things. They have many glasses in front of
them when they are at a table for a party,
reception, or just a restaurant.
How do we feel about everyone and their
brother trying to "fix" us up? Are we
broken? Is there something wrong? Should we
be insulted or flattered when others give us
a name or number to call? Is this really
everyone's business?
With all the efforts to get Jewish people
meeting, dating & married, Jewish and other
singles are still getting married later and
later in life. Why?
a) There is a tremendous fear of rejection,
and singles go our less often.
b) We don't take enough time to really get
to know people and we jump from person to
person rather than stick with someone longer
than usual.
c) Parents are less insistent about getting
their single children out of the house, and
the more tolerant they are, the longer the
children stay and enjoy the comforts of
home.
d) We don't look past the looks. We think
looks are everything, and if there is no
spark, we're off to the next flower.
If single people would take as much time to
meet and date as they do climbing the
corporate ladder and putting their work and
career first, they probably would have been
married with children by now.
When you choose single programs to go to, try
to think of this; what are the two most
important characteristics about my future
mate? If you are looking for looks, then a
regular party/meat-market is good for you.
If you want someone athletic, then ski trips
and games are good for you. If you want
someone compassionate, sensitive, and caring,
go to things where the setting brings that
out, i.e. singles volunteering, singles
giving time to an organization, synagogue, or
cause. If you want someone who will be
loving, organize a single visit to a nursing
home and see how your peers behave. Go with
singles to places where the setting brings
out the characteristics you are looking
for.
In conversations with potential dates, go
below the surface. Ask good questions, real
questions. Engage each other. Be
penetrating. Take time to peel a person and
see what they are made of.
Even in a large room, there can be what we
call "existential loneliness", which means
even in a huge crowd you can feel very alone.
but as a Jew, try to feel that you are never
alone. You can ask G-d in a quiet and
private meditative place to help you find
your bashert. Donate to charity with the
prayer that this charity may help to bring
your bashert closer. Ask G-d to show you the
way to your soulmate. Anyone can find a sex
partner. We need G-d to help us find a soul
mate.
If you have repeated attempts at finding your
bashert, go see someone about it. Something
may be off in your approach, your
expectations, the way you judge people, your
own perception, etc. Something is in your
way of finding and you should get some help,
for your sake. I'm not saying that every
single person needs professional help. What
I am saying is that if you are still single
after a whole lot of starts, there is likely
a reason or reasons.
Work on it. Work at it. There is a beautiful world of deep joy and fulfillment in a good marriage. I am happier than ever. I hope these few comments will help you find the right person.
