I’m not so sure who I am,
anymore.
Where am I headed with
my life?
Do I need to be alone so I
can figure out who I want
to be?
Do I need someone to
show me who I should be?
I just know that I am
drowning again.
I’m so deep in depression,
sinking more and more.
The weird thing about it is:
I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I am not
happy because I don’t see
anything wrong.
I just feel like everything is
wrong.
So, how do I make things
right when I don’t know
what things aren’t already?
Have I slipped in some
kind of withdrawal?
Why, though?
What’s making me feel like
not being around
anyone…ever?
What’s so terribly wrong
that I am desperate to run-
away?
Far away from a life that
could be perfect without
me even knowing?
Things just can’t be right
because I cry non-stop.
No one notices how much I
am slipping from life even
if I mention something is
wrong with me.
Maybe, I’m just growing up.
Maybe, I’m just now letting
it sink in that everything is
changing.
People are leaving one at
a time but right after the
other.
I’m losing everyone who’s
been around to help me
through life.
I’m discovering that I am
really here on this earth
with only me, myself and
no one else.
No one is always going to
be there and that is what I
need to learn.
I just don’t want to.
I want to have everyone
just go all at once rather
than waiting for each to
leave me when it’s time.
I need to go away from
everyone that I care about
because I don’t ever want
to go through watching
them walk out my life or be
grabbed by death.
I need to leave this place
that is making me build a
life.
For I’m not ready to.
I’m not ready to go out into
the world and make
something of myself.
Not this way.
I want to live my own
dream.
My dreams of running
away and living alone with
nothing except with the
thought of a miracle
waiting ahead.
To go anywhere.
Anywhere but here.
Then, later in my life when
I am ready to handle this
world I will find my
miracle.
Someone or something to
put me back on track to
live like everyone else
around me now does.
This dream I’ve wanted;
I’ve needed since I was
more of a tender age than I
am now.
For sitting here being
pressured and told what is
right and what is wrong is
not the way I can survive.
I am not ready for
homework or waking up
and going to work for my
life.
Not yet, not now.
I sometimes wish I could
sleep ten years away and
then wake up and start
living.
Other times I would be fine
just sitting in an empty
room with only my
thoughts and maybe paper
and pen or a book.
Just a room where I could
never be bothered until I
came out.
I would not be lonely with
old wood paneled walls
and floor with dust resting
all around.
As long as there was one
window to remind me I
must go out sometime to
live a life…but only when I
am ready to.
So, maybe that is it.
Maybe, I just need to let
everyone know I need to
be me.
Not someone who is told
what to do, when to do it,
how to look, act, or feel.
I was given my own
dreams and ways of
thinking.
Though, most don’t care
enough to understand that
or anything I am saying in
this poem I will fight for
this anyhow.
Otherwise, I’m going to die
from depression without
doing anything I’ve ever
wanted to do in life and not
leaving one mark to prove
I was once here on this
earth.
I can’t and I won’t let that
happen.
I have control over my life
and I know how I need to
live to survive.
I need to take my own
hand to lead my life.
For only I know where I
need to be lead.

February 17, 1999