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Doofus and Dumbhead are not sex symbols. They aren't even human, they are just one writer's imagination. The things they do might get you expelled, fired, slapped, kicked, beaten up, or even hospitalized. To put it another way, don't do as they do.


Doofus and Dumbhead: Temp Job

Christopher Marsh, with apologies to Mike Judge


(Doofus and Dumbhead are in the living room between music videos

(TV)"Need money?"

(Dumbhead)"D_____ straight"

(TV)"Karen Services has office and industrial jobs morning noon and night. Whether you are getting out of high school, jail, or welfare, call 555-KARE for a career planning orientation today, because we care..."

(Doofus)"Money!"

(Dumbhead)"Settle down Doofus. We are going to be rich."


(Video)(Doofus)"Twisted Chris again?"

(Dumbhead)"Wait, this video kicks a____. Road kill!"

(Video)"....I will chew road kill."

(Doofus)"Do all West Virginians drive like Twisted Chris?"

(Dumbhead)"Where'd he get a 25 year old pickup truck? He either drives his Mom's 1998 Chevy Cavalier with West Virginia tags or rides the DC Metro."

(Doofus)"I had a dead squirrel once."

(Dumbhead)"You couldn't sell it at the mall. You had to sell it to that country guy. He got lost on the interstates."

(Doofus)"No I didn't."

(Dumbhead)"He gave you five bucks for it. And then he came back a week later and asked you if you found any more, said he was doing a high school graduation cook out. His truck had a shotgun in the back and West Virginia plates too."

(Doofus)"I will chew road kill! Hey, isn't that the Homicide Blonde? She kicks a_____." (She is cleaning the carcass in the kitchen sink.)

(Dumbhead)"She'd kick you in other places, Doofus. Hey, you know West Virginia considered a law a short time ago that you could pick up dead things off the road right away, bring 'em home, and cook 'em? And the rest of America laughed at them?"

(Doofus)"Could I do my sister in West Virginia?"

(Dumbhead)"You don't have a sister. She wouldn't marry you anyway- you're too small."

(Doofus)"No I ain't, see?"

(Dumbhead)"Stop blocking the TV, I want to see those chicks."

(Doofus)"They wouldn't like you either."

(Dumbhead)"Don't remind me."

Twisted Chris Marsh

Road Kill

RUSH Hour

(fictional) Sandy Castle Records


(Doofus and Dumbhead enter the temp agency)

(Receptionist)"You need off for radiation treatment? Couldn't you just stand in front of the microwave on your lunch time?" (Angrily hangs up) "Hello, Karen Services cares, how may I help you?"

(Dumbhead)"We want to get rich."

(Doofus)"Money for nothing and chicks for free."

(Dumbhead)"Settle down Doofus."

(Receptionist)"Angie will see you shortly, there is a two week assignment at the asbestos factory."

(Later....)

(Angie, very attractive animated character wearing Homicide Blonde T-shirt) "Hi, my name is Angie and I want you to take this little manual dexterity test...."

(Doofus)"You should do well, you get lots of practice."

(Dumbhead)"Settle down Doofus!"

(Angie)"Boys, listen. I want you to screw on as many nuts on these bolts as you can in five minutes, using your left hand, and then I want you to screw off as many nuts as you can in five minutes, using your right hand." (Boys laughing under their breath) (Angie gets concerned) "Boys, do you have any questions?"

(Dumbhead)"Doofus uses two hands."

(Doofus)"Shut up, Dumbhead, I'll kick your a___!"

(Angie)"Shut up or I'll kick both of you!" (Boys freeze)


(commercial break)

(At the asbestos factory)

(Male supervisor)"Boys, I want you to wear these masks, OK, or you'll get very sick and die in twenty to forty years, OK? Sort out the fiber into piles."

(Doofus)"Piles!" (Boys chuckle)

(Supervisor)"Your first break is in two hours. Any questions, call me, Rick." (Boys put on masks)

(Dumbhead)"I am suffocating in here!"

(Doofus)"Take it off, Dumbhead."

(Female manager)"So how are those new boys working out?"

(Coughing is heard)

(Supervisor)"They took off their masks!"

(Manager)"Have them do something else. We'll get sued if they get sick!"

(Supervisor)"What else can they do?"

(Manager)"The janitor got busted for drunk driving..."

(Supervisor returns)"OK, boys, let's try something else. Could you clean the bathroom? The janitor can't make bail."

(Doofus)"Yuck!"

(Dumbhead)"We're getting paid." (Boys laugh again)

(Supervisor)"Mops and buckets over there, boys."

(Boys approach both bathrooms)(Dumbhead) "Find out which one is dirtier, Doofus."

(Doofus)"I'm not going in the girls room!"

(Dumbhead)"Doofus..."

(Doofus checks....)"Girls' room needs cleaning first. No one's in there."

(Boys take mops into the restroom)

(Girl, mid-twenties)"Hey, Mindy, I need to go, be right back...."

(Mindy)"OK, Debbie, just be back before the supervisor knows you're missing."

(Debbie enters rest room)

(From outside, Dumbhead can be heard)"Hey, baby, we're getting paid to clean the floor.")

(Debbie screams)

(Supervisor, thinking out loud)"Didn't those boys read anything about the Karen Services sexual harassment policy?" (He approaches girls' room.)

(Large man with a "Been there, done time for that" T-shirt cuts him off. "She's my girl, I'll handle this...."

(From outside is heard from Debbie)"Steve, thank God you're here!"

(Steve)"These punks are mine, excuse me a minute dear...." (Debbie leaves and aggressive noises can be heard from the restroom.)

(Supervisor)"This will almost certainly be a worker's compensation matter....."


(Video)

(Dumbhead)"Homicide Blonde, Noises Next Door! Homicide Blonde kicks a___!"

(Video)"What did I know what sisters were for, until I heard noises next door...."

(Doofus)"The homecoming queen has a got a gun."

(Dumbhead)"And hand grenades, sniper scopes, plastic explosive, ballistic knives...."

(Doofus)"'The Homecoming Queen might have had a gun, I was better armed, and I had more fun!'"

(Dumbhead)"Massacre at the prom. Let's get back to this video, OK?"

(Video)"Got him right in the b_____, inertia threw him against the wall..."

(Doofus)"That would hurt."

(Dumbhead)"Quiet, Doofus, the video is still playing."

(Video)"Now I fired again, this time to kill, hope he left her something in his will...."

(Doofus)"Where could I get a girl like that, Dumbhead?"

(Dumbhead)"The armed forces?"

(Doofus)"If I had a girl, I like, wouldn't hit her...."

(Dumbhead)"She'd hit you, wussie!"

Homicide Blonde

Noises Next Door

Monthly Rage

(fictional)Bloodbath Records


(Hospital)

(Doctor)"Two more boys taking advantage of worker's comp? How's their blood work, Julie?"

(Nurse)"Still in the lab, but I bet you they'd find runaway levels of testosterone."

(Nurse puts food tray in front of Doofus and gets ready to bring Dumbhead his)

(Dumbhead)"Come to Dumbhead..."

(Nurse)"In your dreams. I put new batteries in the remote, be a good boy and just watch your MTV." (She hands him a remote.)

(Doofus)"TV for nothing and the chicks for free."

(Dumbhead)"It doesn't get any better than this...." (Boys laugh and ending sequence plays.)


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