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Avogadro's Search for the Plorn and What He Did When He Found It

by Slique

  Bleak and desolate was the land. The land was bleak and desolate. Not a soul alive could pass over this land without remarking, even just casually, on how bleak and desolate this land was. One would say, "Bleak and desolate is this land." Of course one could always say, "This land is bleak and desolate." One could also say, "This land is desolate and bleak," if it so suited one. And so one did. "One," in this case is Avogadro, Champion of the Province of Stoichiosylvania in the land of Chemistravinth on the world of Formulakinschtok (accompanied by his merry sidekick, Gregoria ((who was female) (Most sidekicks are male and I just wanted to clear this up.) (Thanks for your time.)).

  "My, my, Gregoria, my merry female sidekick. This land is desolate and bleak," roared the typically jovial Avogadro.

  "Yes. Bleak and desolate is this land. You might even say it was . . . dismal and barren," replied Gregoria, the merry female sidekick.

  "No, no, no. Most definitely not dismal and barren. Bleak and desolate, yes. Dismal and barren, most definitely no." Avogadro was proud of his correction.

  And so our heroic duo galloped off on their Lo Los (Lo Los are very much like horses) in their search for the Plorn. They had many boring and rather mundane conversations, much like the one you just read, on this quest for the Plorn. Oh my! How rude of me! You are not from around Formulakinschtok. Well . . . "around" is such a subjective term. Yes, you are "around" it in a very grand sense. But that is no matter. You are not from Formulakinschtok, and so you would not know of the Plorn.

  Here is some information on the Plorn. The Plorn is a large gobblet, much like your mythical "holy grail." In Formulakinschtokish legend, Eljay, King of the Fledgmonts (Fledgmonts are very much like gods), drank out of this goblet during a festive celebration after the defeat of the Gongroth (The Gongroth is very much like the devil, only the Gongroth wears a darling little hat that was beige, although many people considered it to be wheat-colored). During this feast, Eljay decided to do something so that all future generations would remember that grand day.

  "I give this grail, this that I now call the Plorn, to posterity. Whoever shall wield the Plorn shall have power incarnate! Power that no living soul has dreamt of! Well, I wouldn't really know that for sure. I can't quite know what every living soul dreams can I? I'm not really that attentive. That's what me mum always used to say to me. She said, 'Eljay!', she said, 'Eljay, you're not really that attentive, Eljay.' And then she'd say, 'Eat your snod (Snod is very much like broccoli)!'

  Basically, in this speech, Eljay gave the Plorn the ability to induce great power into its possessor. It gave the possessor the power to chastise severely anyone foolish enough to cross his or her path. The Plorn was handed down, generation to generation, among the royal houses of the land. Most were cunning enough to weasle their way onto the possessor's good side. Those who did not were smitten under the possessor's unmatchable wrath. However, as the royal houses withered away, cursed by inbreeding, the Plorn was taken by a joogle (A joogle is very much like a wizard) named Dacron and hidden in the Caves of Palmer where our heroes are making their journey.

  The Caves of Palmer were a dreadfully long way away and few would invest two months travel on Lo Lo-back for all the power in the universe. People on this planet were not very motivated. Avogadro and Gregoria were two exceptionally tenacious individuals and were willing to make the dire journey as long as they were recompensed by the power of the Plorn.

  "Oh, Eljay!" cried Avogadro randomly on the 31st day of their journey. "Oh, Eljay, Harbinger of Future Glory and Purveyor of all that is good! Help us to find your Plorn and restore this world to its proper greatness! Oh, uh, Eljay? While you're at it, would you mind sending down some divine toothpaste? I've run out, myself, and my mouth feels all icky." Avogadro was very concerned about his hygiene.

  And so the months passed like flour through a sieve, and after many boring conversations and random bursts of prayer, Avogadro and Gregoria came upon the Caves of Palmer. They followed the convenient signs in the cave, directing them to the Ark of the Plorn. The Ark dazzled with many lines of tacky gringle (Gringle are very much like Christmas lights.). There was a large sign above the great chest saying, "THE PLORN LIES IN THIS CHEST. Naturally, after a couple of minutes of searching the vicinity around the sign, Avogadro and Gregoria opened the ark.

  Nothing was there.

  "By what manner of malice has this Plorn been taken!?!" cried Avogadro. "Isn't this a wanton!?!"

  "Actually," said Gregoria. "It's not. 'Wanton' means 'irresponsible or lacking proper restraint or motives.' It can also mean 'an irresponsible woman.'"


  "Yes, really. For instance, if a woman building a house forgot to build a door, she would be a wanton."


  "I know. I think it's rather exciting."

  "No it's not!" murmured a voice.

  "Who is that?" shouted Avogadro

  "It's me, Eljay," replied the voice. "I hate to hear boring conversations like that. Anyway, I am here to tell you that the Plorn is not really some kind of magic cup. The Plorn is a metaphor for self-confidence. If you have the Plorn, you can do anything. Neat, huh?"

  Our heroes were silent. Avogadro mused over the concept of he having made a three month long trip over bleak and desolate terrain just to open a box and receive nothing. Gregoria just wasn't paying attention and was wondering what her pet guttre (a guttre is very much like a cat) was doing at the moment.

  "So . . . do we actually, like, get something?" asked Avogadro.

  "Well . . . uh . . . the satisfaction that you made this journey?" Eljay sounded unsure of himself. No one had ever asked him that before.

  "Is that all?"

  "Oh! Wait!" A shiny box appeared on the ground in front of Avogadro. He picked it up. The box read "Eljay's Purgative."

  "What is this?" Avogadro inquired.

  "Oh, that? That's a laxative. I figured you may need it and I figured that if you want power, power over your digestive system is a good start. Good idea, huh?"

  "Uh . . . gee, thanks."

  And so our heroes galloped away from the caves, purgative in hand, ready to face the challenges and adventures of the next day. And if there were no challenges or adventures the next day, they would face the next challenge or adventure that came along their way.