I was reading Stormwalker's Duck! the other day, and this fic started snapping together in my mind. My thanks to Stormy for the inspiration.

My thanks to Diese-chan for the translation of the title.

This is light fare, so it shouldn't cause any indigestion. Please enjoy your in-fanfic meal... ^_^

Feel free to email me with comments and criticism.

Ranma ½ is the property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shonen Sunday Comics, Shogakukan, Fuji, and Kitty TV (Japan), and Viz Communications, Inc. (North America).

Many thanks to T.H. Tiger and Vince Seifert for prereading. Thanks to Diese and Andrew Norris for the thumbs up.

The lunch rush had ended, and the best ramen house in Nerima stood empty for the moment. Shampoo relaxed, letting the tension flow out of her body while helping her great-grandmother chop vegetables in preparation for the somewhat easier supper rush.

It had been a tough and long lunch. The persistence of the male Japanese libido never ceased to amaze Shampoo, and she'd been forced to bend three different pieces of concrete reinforcing steel into pretzels, one each for three different crowds, to get them to quit trying to pinch her rear... or other parts best left unmentioned, not that it would keep them at bay for long. However, it wasn't good for business to pummel paying customers, and running that gauntlet for three hours without release had left her tense and irritable.

The tinkle of the front door bell and the loud, strident voice of an all-too-familiar rival caused the muscles in Shampoo's back to start tying themselves into knots again. HER! Tendou Akane was rigorously decrying the latest escapade of her iinazuke, the very same young man that plucked the strings of Shampoo's own heart.

"I can't BELIEVE he ate all THREE of them, and didn't leave ANY for the rest of us!" Shampoo could hear Akane and two others sit down, chairs scraping against the tiled floor.

Mousse had wiped down the table and chairs before they seated themselves, had held the eldest's chair for her, and had produced three glasses of water from within his sleeves before moving on to clean the other, unoccupied tables. He shook his head, wondering what in the world possessed women to find Saotome attractive.

Shampoo stuck her head out of the kitchen. Gack! It was the whole gaggle of Tendou sisters, but no Ranma. *Sigh.* Ranma could pinch her rear anytime he wanted... and other places, too.

She focused on the sisters again. Shampoo didn't mind Kasumi so much — the eldest was always more than nice to her — but she would've cheerfully gone years without seeing the middle Tendou daughter, Nabiki; she made Shampoo nervous for some reason the Amazon couldn't quite pin down. Akane was a pre-determined lost cause to Shampoo's mind, but as long as she stayed out of the Nekohanten's kitchen, Shampoo might manage to simply ignore her.

"Shampoo be with you in minute." Pulling her head back into the kitchen, she rested her hands against the doorframe and bowed her head, taking a deep breath, but Akane's voice once again shattered Shampoo's relaxation exercise.

"Three whole Peking Ducks! GONE! Nothing but bones spinning on the table!"

"Now, Akane," Kasumi smoothly said, "I'm sure Ranma-kun had good reason for being so hungry, and he did say he was sorry. He does get a lot of exercise, you know. Besides, he only barely got to them before Saotome-no-ojisama." There was just the slightest hint of disapproval in Kasumi's voice.

Bereft of further excuses to delay, Shampoo strode out of the kitchen to see Akane and Nabiki looking at Kasumi with half-lidded eyes.

"Shampoo take order now?" The lethal Amazon flipped open her pastel order pad.

"I can't imagine why he'd be so hungry — no one's attacked in days!" Akane sniffed and opened her menu.

"Maybe he just really likes duck," Nabiki offered, opening her own menu. "I like duck."

"Well, so do I, but THREE whole ducks?! I mean, honestly!"

"They did have a very savory aroma," Kasumi observed.

"Yeah, and they weren't cheap, either." Nabiki set her menu down, frowning.

"There's nothing quite like a well-cooked Peking Duck," Kasumi said.

"Shampoo like duck." She then jumped, wondering why she'd even tried to join the conversation.

The Tendou sisters blinked at her, and then as one, turned to look at Mousse. Mousse was frozen in mid-table wipe, considering.

"Like DUCK! Not duck-BOY!!" Shampoo had her arms straight down at her sides, hands in fists, one of which was squeezing her order pad into a crumpled mess. She glared at Mousse across the restaurant, who had prudently decided to restart his work, and counted to ten in Mandarin under her breath, then she turned back to her customers and smiled in marginal pleasantness. "Shampoo take order now?"

"Oh, my! Well, I haven't read the menu, yet," Kasumi said, finally picking hers up.

Shampoo rolled her eyes. "Tendou Akane? What your order?"

"Gimme a minute."

"My, Akane," Kasumi said, "you're certainly beginning to sound like Ranma-kun."

Nabiki snorted. "The next thing you know she'll be eating three ducks at a time."

Akane slammed her menu on the table. "I will NOT! I don't even like duck that much! I... Uh..."

"So you'll be eating the same amount of something else, then?" Nabiki's eyebrows rose to meet her bangs, a naughty grin playing with the corners of her mouth. "If you don't like duck, why are you complaining so much?"

"No, no! I LOVE duck! What I meant was—"

Shampoo momentarily drifted away on dreamy thoughts of Akane wed to Mousse, leaving Shampoo to comfort Ranma after having been rejected by the kitchen destroyer. Aiyaa! It's perfect!

"Akane like duck?" Shampoo interrupted Akane's explanation, much to the latter's annoyance. "Shampoo give Akane Mousse for free."

Mousse straightened from his cleaning, hesitated, then thought better of contributing to the conversation, returning to his duties. Nabiki snickered, while Akane fumed. "Listen, you—"

"That's very nice of you, Shampoo-san," Kasumi interrupted, "but I don't think Akane is in the market for Mousse-san."

"Is too bad. He very good, er, very tasty man— duck— man? No, that not it. Don't know how to say picks things good. Little bit thin, maybe. Not enough meat on bone. Good for Akane, though."

Everyone except Akane, who was steaming at Shampoo, turned at the strangled squawk that came from the young man wiping the tables. The girls shrugged and turned back to their menus. The sisters read for a few seconds, the room falling largely silent.

In the kitchen, Cologne pushed the half-chopped celery off of her board and picked up a large onion. She needed a good cover, not that she felt she needed to explain herself, and onion fumes would provide one. The harmony of the restaurant had to be maintained. Yes, that's it... precisely.

"Oh, dear. You don't have Peking Duck, Shampoo-san?" Kasumi looked up at her waitress.

Shampoo couldn't help but smirk at Mousse before addressing Kasumi. "No Peking Duck today. Have number one good garlic chicken."

"Hmmm..."

"Is your Peking Duck any good... usually?" Nabiki's mouth was still preset for those ducks Ranma had eaten.

Shampoo huffed indignantly. "Hiibaachan Peking Duck always number one good!"

"Well," Akane offered, "I guess we'll just have to take your word for that, then. No duck? Are you sure?"

A fine sheen of moisture was beginning to appear on Shampoo's forehead and cheeks. "NO! Um, no, no duck. Take order NOW?"

Akane smirked at having elicited a slip of annoyance from Shampoo and turned back to her menu. "Well, hang on a minute. I gotta read th'menu."

Kasumi's eyes peered reprovingly from over the top of her own menu. "Watch your speech, Akane."

"Sorry, Oneechan."

"Darn!" Nabiki exclaimed. "I really had my heart set on Peking Duck."

"Yes, quite," Kasumi hummed.

"Darn that Ranma." Akane looked up at Shampoo. "Can you believe he ate THREE ducks?! ... You sure you don't have any duck? Could you check or something?"

Shampoo ground her teeth and said, "No DUCK! What Akane's problem?!"

"I don't have a problem with duck. What's YOUR problem with duck?!"

"Shampoo no have problem with DUCK! Grrr! Duck not question! Is NO duck today!"

"Well, that IS a problem," Nabiki said. "I wanted duck."

The sound of Shampoo's teeth grinding together became clearly audible, and Mousse broke the pattern of his cleaning and skipped to a table nearer to the door.

"Order garlic chicken!" Shampoo growled. "Is close."

Nabiki gave Shampoo a half-lidded stare. "How's that again? They're nothing alike."

"Is BIRD! One QUACK, other go, uh..."

"Bock, bock?" Akane gamely offered with a grin, enjoying Shampoo's discomfiture.

Shampoo steamed at Akane, but nodded. "Is BIRD! ALL is bird!" She raised her abused order pad and smiled thinly. "So, one garlic chicken for Naaa-biii-kiii?"

Nabiki cocked an eyebrow at Shampoo's pronunciation, but returned to her menu. "Hmph! Poor substitute for Peking Duck." She scanned the offerings. "Garlic chicken won't satisfy if you're hungering for Peking Duck."

"Ranma really likes duck," Akane said, keeping half an eye on Shampoo's reaction.

"FINE! Airen want duck?! Airen go marry MOUSSE!"

"HEY!" Mousse finally had to comment.

"... ... Shampoo not say that. Nope. Is old Joketsuzoku technique. Make you THINK you hear that."

The sound of a pot falling on the floor echoed out of the kitchen, while Kasumi blinked, Nabiki smirked, and Akane put her hand over her mouth to hide a grin. Without an apparent concern in the world, Shampoo brought up her battered order pad... again.

"One garlic chicken, yes? For Tendou Nabiki?" Shampoo asked, a slightly pleading edge managing to creep into her voice. The muscles of her back were starting to cramp again and a pain began to build behind her eyes. She would rummage in Cologne's powders as soon as she finished taking this damned order.

"I don't know, yet," Nabiki said.

"I sure was hungry for duck," Akane muttered audibly.

The pencil in Shampoo's hand snapped in two. "Then TAKE MOUSSE OR ORDER SOMETHING ON MENU!"

"You don't have to SHOUT IT!" Akane rejoined, genuinely miffed.

"WHAT... What you want, then?! Mousse or food?! Yes?!"

Akane blinked and looked at the blind boy, who was blinking back at her. "Mousse?" she said querulously. "Why would I—"

"Mousse! Put Shampoo out of pain and be airen for Akane! Kill two duck with one mallet!"

"What?!" Mousse was still trying to assimilate the strange conversation. "But, Shampoo!"

"Look, you bimbo!" Akane growled. "I just wanted some Peking Duck!"

Shampoo put her fists on her hips, glaring. "Is no problem then! Mousse be that, too!"

"ACK!" Mousse began to contemplate the advantages of taking his break early.

Nabiki put her hand on her sister's shoulder, smirking. "Akane, don't try to cook Mousse."

Mousse jerked.

"ARGH! I don't WANT Mousse! As a husband OR ingredients!"

"Why not? He make FINE duck— er, airen for Akane!"

Mousse bigsweated.

Shampoo leaned over Akane, scowling down at her. "Well, what you want, then?!"

"PEKING DUCK, DAMN IT!" Akane scowled back.

"TAKE MOUSSE! He go Beijing once!!"

"WHAT?!" Akane shouted, now a little confused herself.

Shampoo's hair frayed and one of her odango started to unravel, but she calmed down almost immediately. "Akane want duck?" she asked, smiling as nicely as she could, a slightly insane light in her eyes.

"Yes! That's what I've been saying all along!"

"Then Shampoo GET you duck!"

"Finally! I mean, honestly!"

In a burst of action, Shampoo whirled on Mousse, drawing her bonbori. "MOUSSE!!"

"ACK!!" Mousse squawked again and plastered himself against the wall, laid out like a large fowl about to be de-boned.

"Shampoo want TALK to you! You be airen to Akane!"

"HEY!" Akane shouted. "That's NOT what I MEANT!!"

"Uhhh..." Mousse looked longingly at the door.

Shampoo took a step forward, and Mousse slid one step along the wall towards the door. "Don't make Shampoo come get you!" She stepped again, and he finally bolted and was out of the restaurant in a flash. Shampoo was a split-second behind, her voice fading into the distance.

"MOUSSE!!! You WAIT! Why you run NOW?! Akane make you fine wife! She LOVE DUCK!! MOUUUssse..."

Akane sat there blinking for a second before joining Nabiki in laughter, and Kasumi had her hand over her mouth, eyes dancing in mirth. "Oh, dear," her muffled voice said. "Akane-chan, you may end up with Ranma-kun's problems—"

Cologne pogoed out of the kitchen, and they settled down at once. She regarded them with ancient eyes. "Ladies."

After a few seconds, she hopped the rest of the way, coming to a stop and balancing in the vacant area on the fourth side of the table. She sighed. "Can I take your order?"

Without missing a beat, Nabiki said, "Peking Duck, please, for three."

Cologne's eyes slid slowly to the front door and then back to Nabiki. "We appear to be fresh out," she deadpanned.

Akane fell out of her chair, howling. Nabiki barked a laugh and then bit her hand, tears starting to run down her face; after all, she had an image to maintain. Kasumi put the hand not covering her mouth over her eyes and rested her elbows on the table, her body lightly convulsing.

Cologne chuckled and let go of her serious expression. "All right, all right. Shampoo needed to work off a little stress, anyway. Come into the kitchen, girls, and I'll whip us up a feast."

The Tendou sisters rose and staggered after Cologne; Nabiki had to help Akane walk.

"Now, Kasumi-san, about those wonderful quail patties you let me try that day..."

"Oh, my." *Sniffle.* "Well, they're quite easy to prepare..."

"Mmmmm!" Ranma laid herself out on a beach recliner in the Tendou backyard, three Peking Ducks settling nicely in her stomach, producing a satisfying bulge in her bare midsection. She wore one bit of nothing that barely covered the appropriate lower parts of her girl form, a state of dress she would've never been caught in if Akane and, more importantly, Nabiki weren't out of the house.

"Guys sunbathe topless, and I'm a guy," she grumbled to herself. Too bad Tendou-san doesn't see it that way... But she then smiled as the sun started warming her. There was just something about the way she felt when sunning in this body that was just so utterly... pleasant that she wished she could do it completely nude. She grinned naughtily, but decided not to put name to any other exhibitionist feelings she might be having.

Something blocked her sun, and Ranma opened her eyes to see Mousse sailing overhead. However, he never said a word and leapt over the far wall, which explained why her danger sense hadn't gone off. Shampoo landed in the yard on the opposite side, in hot pursuit.

"MOUSSE! You WAIT! Akane LOOOVE duck!! Airen LOVE duck!! Shampoo LOVE duck! EVERYBODY LOVE DUCK!!!" She disappeared over the same wall.

With dinner-plate eyes and presenting warding gestures with her hands, Ranma groaned and turned slightly green. The three ducks in her stomach were not settling quite so nicely anymore, almost feeling like they were trying to flap their way out. She and her one bit of nothing stood and jiggled into the house.

Soun was frozen in mid-placement of a shogi tile, his mouth open and eyes glazed over, a thin line of drool starting to fall from his lower lip.

Genma-panda growled and held up a sign. "For the FIFTH TIME! Quit ogling my son!" The panda grumped to himself as the sign flipped around in time to a noise from his stomach. "Dratted, ungrateful boy! Didn't even leave me any duck!"

FIN