The most frequently heard statement at our meetings is, "The hardest thing about having herpes is having to tell someone." We often discuss how best to tell and when to tell. There is an excellent pamphlet, "Telling Your Partner About Herpes," published by our national organization. The pamphlet is available at our meetings, or can be downloaded from our national organization's web site at http://www.ashastd.org From the main page, click on Herpes Resource Center, then scroll down and click on "Telling Your Partner."
Most people at our meetings believe that they should tell a would-be partner, as hard as that may be. There is a basic understanding that the Golden Rule about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you applies.
There is another, equally important reason to tell -- do it for what it will do for you. When someone has the courage to tell another person, that act alone often can help a person with herpes feel better about having the disease. Telling is part of the process of learning to live, and to love, with herpes.
Here's one of our member's suggestions.
Timing
I've had poor results (rejection, tears, anger, walkaways, etc.) from letting
passion and sexual emotion get carried too far before informing another person.
It's always best to tell someone long before the clothes come off or that
friendly wrestling on the floor turns into passionate embrace. I look for a
neutral, calm environment and a peaceful situation.
Choice of words
This is extremely important. Avoid the words "problem," "hindrance,"
"incurable," etc. Some people suggest simply stating, "I get these blisters from
time to time." I prefer to state positively that "I have herpes and I'm very
aware of the symptoms and I manage it accurately and well." Nothing beats
honesty with a foundation of well-being, understanding, knowledge and integrity.
Preparation
I minimize distraction, chaos, and loud music. I remind myself that I am a "good
person, worthy, unique and genuine." At all HELP meetings I've attended, the
recurring theme is if "they" don't understand or wish to not go any further, "we"
are still valuable, precious and good. And I remind myself to give the other
person freedom to go if they wish. Let them go -- don't beg! If they don't
understand now, maybe they will later ... or maybe they'll choose to never
confront this issue. It's their choice.
Presentation
I approach the person with openness, trust, and a sense of sharing. I talk with
a calm voice and a smile instead of talking loudly, quickly, or in a quiet,
desperate tone. I look the person in the eye instead of staring at the floor or
out the window. Remember we are representing ourselves. We are what we are, we
live with our condition, yet it's just another day, another "thing" -- we can
still present ourselves proudly and with integrity.
Rejection
The hardest thing to remember is "there are plenty of good people in this big
city who are willing to share, learn and who remain open to my frankness about my
condition." Try not to dwell on the rejection. Stay busy, write trusted
friends, see a comedy movie, take a vigorous jog on the canal, do 100 pushups and
situps! Watch the evolution and process of the rejection sort itself out. We
all have a hidden respect for ourselves and a fortitude that will acknowledge
"us" if and when rejection happens.
You'll always be a winner if you follow these ideas. In closing, here are a few
ideas from others:
Index |
Mission |
Newsletter |
Social Group |
Support Groups
Herpes Hotline |
Clinical Studies |
Free Drugs
Useful Websites |
Herpes Info |
Telling Someone |
An Old-Timer's Reflections