Pisces: (Feb. 19 - March 20) Your life is full of adventure and donuts. Go to the gym some time and stop whining. Your lucky days are yesterday and the ides of March. (that's the 15th, for you morons.) Pink is the right go-getting color for you! Try wearing many shades of it at the same thyme. Your lucky word is "obtuse." Try using it alot and you're sure to get laid.
Aries: (March 21- April 19) Parcially cloudy with a chance of rain.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) You are a tall, bald, idiot bailiff. See "Night Court" for specifics.
Gemini: (May21- June 21) You two faced son of a #%$@&*^!!!!! How dare you come back here! The nerve of you!!!!!!!! Just go. Your lucky talk show host is Montel.
Cancer: (June 22 - July 22) You're feeling crabby. Try staying out of the sun. Your lucky color is vermillion. try it with some chartreuse. Green! Blue! (sorry...) Make a sex noise in public today. It'll brighten the lives of those strangers near you..... Don't worry about the faces they make, it's just their way of showing their graditude.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22) Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. Your lucky time of day is 3:30.
Virgo: (August 23 - September 20) When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said: "Hey, good job." Your lucky state is "meditative."
Lemur: (September 21) The sign of the Lemur is a special one. Bearers of this sign are usually delightfully tempered and have flaring nostrils. If you experience road rage, try dousing yourself with warm orange juice. If that doesn't work, microwave some Mountain Dew and brew tea in it. This will give you that solar boost you've been looking for!
Libra: (September 22 - October 23) Also the Spanish word for "book," Libras are tidy. Try them with bacon for an after school treat! Your lucky fruit is Richard Simmons.
Scorpio: (October 24 - November 22) Happy birthday, Scorpio. You're feeling fat. However, you may remember that "fat" is not an emotion and can be overcome by starting a diet of brown rice and tea. Your lucky joke is: "How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?" ( By it's bark)
Sagitarius: (November 23 - December 21) NRA forever! Free the Pueblo. White Snake rocks! Hangin' Tough. Catch the wave. Catch you on the flip cyde. Kewl! Speak softly and carry a big stick. Who's your daddy!?!!! Who wants Trident? I do! I do! Stop calling me.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 28) To stop seasonal dryness, add pumpkin to you bath. This will get you in tune with the people around you. Don't laugh so much. And please, stop smiling. Groovy.
Aquarius: (January 21- February 18) Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. Try asparagus. It makes you pee a rainbow. Your lucky savings account number is 465231 9688B565 232J116465.
