A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Forward this to other Proud Canadians!!!
!!!I AM CANADIAN!!!
I
AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)
Hey...
I'm
not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I
have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND
THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS
A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT
'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA
IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND
THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
I
AM ITALIAN
Ciao...
I'm
not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I
don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although
I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink
wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND
I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,
I'm
not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although
I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I
eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and
it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan
IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND
I AM PAKISTANI!!!!
I
AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech,
or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I
don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and
finally........
I
AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm
not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although
I'm pretty sure they were American.
I drink beer, not water, I
am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And
it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's
flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I
have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
"A
positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy
enough people to make it worth the effort."
-- Herm Albright
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
then things get worse .
26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute!" says the minister.
"That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept.
While he drove, people prayed."
> >HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'RE A CANADIAN
> >
> > ~You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
> >
> > ~You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just
> >>>dropped my poutine on the chesterfield."
> >
> >~You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
>
> >~You drink Pop, not Soda.
> >
> > ~You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the cottage, eh!!!"
> >
> > ~You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for
> >>>your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.
> >
> >~You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
> >
> > ~You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
> >
> > ~You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
> >
> > ~You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical
> >>>group.
> >
> > ~You cried when you heard that "Mr. Dress Up" died.
> >
> > ~You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
> >
> > ~You brag to Americans that: Mike Myers, Shania Twain, Jim Carrey are
> >Canadians.
> >
> > ~You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
> >
> > ~You know what a touque is.
> >
> > ~You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
> >
> > ~You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always
> >>>pronounced "Zed."
> >
> > ~You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up
> >from the ground.
> >
> > ~
> > ~Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but
requires
> >6 pages for hockey.
> >
> > ~You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost
> >>>winter, and road work.
> >
> >
> > ~You know that when it's 30 degrees outside, it's the warmest day of
the
> >year.
> >
> > ~You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
> >
> > ~You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
> >
> > ~You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in
> >>>Canada."
> >
> > ~You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
> >
> > ~"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite
> >>>than "Huh?"
> >
> > ~You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your
> >>>Canadian friends (and then you send them to your American friends just
> >to
> >>>confuse them...further) (easily done with their leader named after a
> >short
> >>>wild tree).
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
You might be from a small town if...
1. You can name everyone in your school.
2. You went to parties in a field, a bush, a gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road (and the party couldn't start until someone with a big stereo in their truck showed up).
3. You used to cruise "main".
4. You got a fine and your parents knew within the hour.
5. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
6. You could never buy cigarettes or booze because all the store clerks knew how old you were.
7. When you did find somebody old enough to buy cigarettes/booze, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke and drink.
8. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
9. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
10. You don't give directions by street names, but by references (turn by the Clarke's house, go 2 blocks past the Hounsell's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
11 The golf course had only 9 holes.
12. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend.
13. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a light-coloured vehicle for this reason.
14. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
15. You refer to anyone with a house newer then 1980 as "the rich people".
16. The people in the "big city" dress funny - then you pick up the trend 2 years later.
17. Anyone you want to find can be found at either the 7-11,the Pool Hall, or Lumber House.
18. Directions are given using the 4-way stop as a reference.
19. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.
20. Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names.
21. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
22. You can charge at all the local stores or write cheques without any i.d.
23. The closest Dairy Queen is 45 miles away (or more).
24. The best mall is over an hour away.
25. It is normal to see an old man picking bottles in the ditch .......and you know his name.
26. Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.
27. Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.
28. A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo.
29. You can remember when your town finally got cable.
30. Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal.
31. You thought the 30-year-old guy that was at all the parties was cool.
32. The whole town wreaks when the fish trucks drive through.
33. The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.
34. The best burgers in town are at the rink.
35. You know exactly where to go when the party is at "the lake".
36. You lost your virginity at a bush party.
37. You laugh 'til your sides hurt reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town .because you know them all!!!