|
2.4.o4 when there was you, i wasn't grudgingly getting out of bed at 5:45 each morning, i was hopping out of it at 5:30. missing school wasn't an option, because that would mean missing a chance to be near you, to be in the same room as you, in the same hallway as you, in the same building as you. and i was happy. i promise you, every single day i was happy. I smiled like the sun shined strictly for me. Even the rainy days weren't so bad. You were bright enough to compensate. The only person I know who could outshine the sun. I started believing in things again. When there was you, I knew how to be optimistic. Smiling everyday at the possibility of one day holding your hand. Well I'd just like to say that I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I'm finding excuses to not go to school, and when I do, I don't look for you in the hallways anymore. you were my reason and i lost you. it hurts talking to you. :\ because the smiles are real but i'm not allowed to keep them. 1.o5.o4 You find someone completely amazing, and you're all smiles and your life is one big white puffy cloud. There's this possibility and all this blind optimism.. you're just crossing your fingers and hoping. And you're happy because tomorrow you'll be closer. You start thinking of the possibilities of this being reciprocated. Then all of a sudden you realize what a fool you are, due to those big white puffy clouds blocking your vision. So you slip off your cloud and into a routine and you watch that person slip away too. Over in her direction. With flowers. It's funny, you let people take your heart and they mash it up and chew it like bubble gum and then they stick it back in your ribcage and you're supposed to be the same. 12.3o.o3 did you know that i actually wrote down that i thought i was falling in love with you? i said that it was inevitable, and that it was the 90 degree kind of drop. i'm not, obviously. but do you know why i thought that? you made me smile. and when you sat next to me, i wanted to grab your hand. i actually had to fold my hands to keep them from gravitating towards yours. and i wanted to lay my head on your shoulder. and everytime you turned red, i wanted to kiss you. and then i started losing my mind and i started fantasizing about growing old with you. and that vision i have of my wedding, the groom's blurred face was suddenly a clear image of you. turning red, and smiling. i knew i was being silly, but i felt like i wanted to marry you everytime you made me smile. which was all the time. yeah, i get a little carried away sometimes. 12.12.o3 Today's How-To List: How to Stop Being Silly feelings have to be mutual. when they're not, throw yours away. denial. delusions. get rid of that sh-- =] when you're thinking about someone, and you get some dopey grin on your face, remember who it was you were thinking about. AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM. if you can't stop thinking about someone, stop thinking all together. if you must, pull your brain out. if, after you pull your brain out, things haven't changed, carefully pluck out your heart. put it away. or throw it out. whatever. and then smile. or fake it. again, whatever. :] and remember, boys are made at the stupid factory. and boys? girls are made at the overly-sensitive factory. don't stress. -------- I wrote that sometime last week. I decided to take my own advice to see where it would take me. But I'm not so sure where I am. 12.o4.o3 I'm feeling a little down, I guess. :( I don't like writing when I'm sad because you all will label me a "moper" and maybe I am a moper. Well, once in a while. I'm actually a pretty happy person, maybe too happy, but everyone has their once-in-a-while's. Most people write or draw or something when they're upset. I lack the talent, so I just cry. Crying is my artform. I guess you could say that. It's this horrible feeling :| See, you can say I'm a drama queen but you don't know what I've found you have no idea. I've found something amazing. And I lost it the other day, and it doesn't want to be found :( And I want it back but I can't have it. It decided to leave me, because it found something better. Finders keepers, my ass. >;| I didn't get to keep anything. 11.3o.o3 tell me, what am i supposed to do now? i'm here, i'm yours. now what? i mean, really. was there any point to what you just did? you and your stupid freckles tripped my clumsy ass. and you knew i was clumsy too, i think i told you that. well you did it anyway, it was a messy fall and i landed on your doorstep. would you like to tell me what to do now? and you know, it's kind of funny how you continue to trip me every time i get back up and the worst part is this is all very unintentional on your part. i know i must have my stupid shoelaces untied and why should i get mad at you for stepping on them? well i think i'm mad at you for not watching your step. you should have known to be careful with me, i told you i was clumsy. but you kept on walking anyway, not noticing any shoelaces you were stepping on or any girls landing on your doorstep. you just kept on walking, you and those stupid freckles. 11.12.o3 It's a funny thing. I'm always getting my hopes all high and crap, and then I never really completely fall or anything, but it fades and then it's like where the hell did it all go? It sucks ass, I'm telling you. Like one minute, I'm good. I'm ridiculously happy, my head is who knows where, and I have this dorky-as-hell smile on my face. And then, that same day my head's popped and I float right back down. I really don't know what the hell I was thinking. My hopes are so funking high. And I know I'm about to fall, but there's nothing I can do so someone hand me a fcuking parachute or something, please. And so.. sometimes I feel like I have it down, I'm fine. I'm good at suppressing the whole thing, and then everything's normal. But then I see the kid, and I talk to him, and my heart starts pumping so hard I start getting scared that it'll bounce right out of my chest and onto the floor. What a mess that would be. But, that's the effect this has on me Corny, I realize, but I can't help it. So then, as my crazy heart is going 'haywire' I realize that I don't have it down. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm so delusional sometimes, it's annoying. It's so.. 'high school,' i know. But I am in high school and all, so I figure it's okay. lol. Do you know those people that can see the good in just about anyone? Yeah, I know one of those people. I'm not one of those people. Like I wish I was, and I try, but it doesn't come naturally.. So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not good at heart. dahah. I'm (half) kid-ding. But, I do know one of those people and I could be completely pissed at someone, but after I'm through talking with her, I'm not so pissed anymore. lol. It's bananas. Maybe she'll rub off on me. Well I have mucho hw to do :| Later kiddies. 11.o4.o3 The only reason I ever liked the kid was because he was nice in my head. In my head, he was perfect because my stupid head always wants to glorify some stupid boy. It's really very dumb. They're never perfect. (Obviously) I think that's why I always end up liking some guy I don't talk to, and then I won't talk to him. Because in my head, the quiet boys..the boys I don't talk to, they're perfect. They're whatever I want them to be. In reality, they're just a bunch of stupid boys. They all are. Even the guy I'll marry, I'm sure he'll be stupid. Of course, he'll hide it well, and I won't figure it out until well into the relationship, after the no-turning-back-point. Which is a good time to bring up the fact that I'm never getting a divorce, I agree with John Mayer on this one. "I will tell you this much, I will marry just once, and if it doesn't work out give her half of my stuff, its fine with me. We said eternity." Okay, I'm going off on tangents here. FOCUS MAL FOCUS! Okay, In Spanish last year, we read this poem I think it was called 'I like You Best When You Are Silent' or something. I relate. Once you talk to them, it's all different. Maybe it's best if I marry a mute. 1o.12.o3 YO HOMiES. lol. My "layout" is pretty cute if I do say so myself! You know what’s crazy? There’s Italy and Japan and there’s Figi, and I think there has to be a perfect place for everyone. But then, most people just stay in the same spot their whole lives. Or maybe they visit some pretty place like once every decade and get a tiny taste of what it's like, and then back home they go. Back to that spot of theirs and routines and the boring jobs and familiar faces and all that. There are too many boundaries and restraints, you can never really just live. There’s money and language barriers and responsibilty all holding you back from packing your bags and finding the prettiest little village in Italy and settling down there. And it bothers me! I mean, if money wasn’t an option and there weren’t any restraints, I’d love to devote my life to living. haha. It’s unrealistic, but thats what I’d really like to do. I’d travel all over the place, to like.. Europe and Brazil and maybe Australia if I have time and other little places I don’t know about, and then I'd like, learn about the cultures and meet people and become inspired and all.. And maybe then I could really find something I want to do and I could actually become productive as opposed to being just another body taking up room in this place or filing papers or some chit. And unless I do these things, I doubt I’ll ever really feel like I’m living. haha.. it’s coz I have this lil idealized view of the world, I think everythings all pretty, which isn’t true. Oh well. It’s just that, finding a job and settling down in some ugly little typical suburban town scares me. My house will probably be painted some depressing shade of blue or yellow, and it’ll have that smell if you know what I mean, and I’ll probably live right next to a Handy Pantry. HAHA. It’s definitely possible, I’m not looking foward to it. But anyway, I thought I'd mention it. And if it ever gets bad I mean really really bad I'll move to Nova Scotia Forget the life I had I'll be up at 9 each morning Down by the shore Collecting things that fell off boats in storms Well ok so I might never But it's nice to know the option's there "I said no, there wouldn't be marvelous places to go to after I went to college and all. Open your ears. It'd be entirely different. We'd have to go downstairs in elevators with suitcases and stuff. We'd have to phone up everybody and tell 'em good-by and send 'em postcards from hotels and all. And I'd be working in some office, making a lot of dough, and riding to work in cabs and Madison Avenue buses, and reading newspapers, and palying bridge all the time, and going to the movies and seeing a lot of stupid shorts and coming attractions and newsreels. Newsreels. Christ almighty. There's always a dumb hourse race, and some dame breaking a bottle over a ship and some chimpanzee riding a goddam bicycle with pants on. It wouldn't be the same at all. You don't see what I mean at all." .. EXACTLY. |
| Mallory also known as Mallomar, Lil Mal, Short Mal, MiniMal, Chubs, and Shortea. 16 year old Filipina American. I enjoy talking, eating and being a lazy ass. I'm boring and I'm short. I'm a junior at some high school in Long Island nicknamed "Strong Island" by the kids who actually like living here. I, personally, would rather live somewhere else like someplace where people wanna do more than hang outside Handy Pantry. That's just me. I like coloring books and tuna fish sammiches. Gladiator and LOTR are my favorite movies. Will Ferrel and Conan Obrien make me laugh. Orlando Bloom is MiNE. NOT kate bosworth's. And one day I will marry John Mayer because he's the coolest person in this place. I'm a worry wart. I like Honeydew Milk Tea. ;]* Doesn't take a lot to make me smile, it's just the little things... |
