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***Warning***

This story is rated NC-17 for adult situations and sexual violence.

Time Is A Cruel Mistress Heather Henley

§1§

They say what is past is prologue. On this night my thoughts continue to delve into the book that is my memory. My chair turned toward the row of windows - which usually are behind me - show the vastness of space, and with it, the essence of time.

Time is a cruel mistress who accompanies us throughout our brief existence. Constantly reminding us of what we lost, the mistakes we've made, unrequited love, helplessness, vanity, empathy, compassion, ridicule, failure, death, truth, and of course life. If no one's conscious and aware of their own existence then time is meaningless. I think therefore I am. Socrates? Plato? I can't remember who said it at this early hour, and it doesn't really matter in the long run who said what to who and when? It's not important, only the idea matters, or so we're taught.

As long as we believe we're making progress, pushing forward, our hand extended toward the future. It's something we tell ourselves to make us feel noble. That if we tried hard enough, fought long enough we'd somehow make a difference. Lies, all of it, and those who don't want to see it are living in a fantasy world.

In the dark room a door opens behind her and a man enters. "Captain Janeway, here is the list of the crew rotation for shore leave." Commander Irving said.

Her voice was flat, lacking any emotion. "Thank you Commander, dismissed."

Laying it on the desk, he turned and left. Captain Anna Janeway wasn't known for her social skills. She was a strategist, scientist, mathematician, among a long list of degrees. She was a highly sought after individual only because she was among the smartest and brightest in the fleet. She is a very beautiful woman he had to admit, with straight black hair that stopped just past her shoulders, piercing blue-grey eyes, olive skin, and full red lips.

He had a crush on her the first time he saw her in Admiral Johnson's office at Starfleet Headquarters. She was probably one of the most talked about woman in starfleet, not just based on her intellect but because of who her parents were. Admiral Kathryn Janeway and the former maquis outlaw and first officer Chakotay. If he remembered right they were still alive and living on Earth in Indiana. Since Admiral Janeway's retirement almost fifteen years ago they've lead a pretty quiet life. Her brother William - who everyone calls Wil - is a physiologist and in starfleet. He is currently assigned as ships counselor aboard the U.S.S. Atlantis, a galaxy class. He is a very smart man, but his intellect is in no way close to surpassing his sisters.

Wil is a very laid back and easy going guy, a real pleasure to talk to. I remember meeting him a couple of months ago on Deep Space Nine when we stopped to make repairs and take on supplies. I saw the Captain having a rather intense discussion with a man dressed in a green and black uniform. He had straight dark auburn hair that was a little long but seemed to suit him well. Light olive completion with brown eyes, a very handsome guy. Couldn't we all be as lucky to have their good looks.

As I walked further into the room, I headed toward the bar after I spotted them. Before I even sat down she stood up, said something to him I couldn't make out and walked away. He stood up and followed, calling after her, pleading with her to come back. I probably should have stayed out of it, but I approached him and asked. "Can I help you with something?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Captain Janeway's first officer John Irving."

He nodded. "Do you usually follow her around?"

"Pardon?"

"I'm sorry." He sighed and lifted a tired hand. "After talking to her I always get a little defensive." Extending his hand he continued. "Lieutenant Commander Wil Janeway. I'm her brother."

"Ahh." I said taking his hand and gave it a couple of pumps before releasing it.

"I'm sorry for being rude to you just now. Let me make it up to you and buy you a drink." He smiled.

"All right." I replied and he clapped me on the back before I followed him to the table. Sitting down, the waitress approached and asked what we'd like to drink.

"I'll have another meed." He said then turned to me and asked. "And for you?"

"What's meed?"

"It's made from honey, tastes really good."

"Make that two." I said to the waitress. She nodded and walked away. After a couple of seconds I said. "I don't want to seem nosy, but I couldn't help but notice your rather intense discussion."

He sighed and drank the last two swallows from the glass then replied. "We only see each other twice a year. January when she reports to headquarters in San Francisco, or here in August when she stops for repairs and supplies." Then he looked thoughtful for a moment. "How long have you served under her?"

"Almost a year, why?" I asked curious.

"How well do you know her?"

"Not very, she doesn't talk to anyone in a social capacity. Why do you what to know?"

"Curious to see if she's changed at all, sadly she hasn't." He answered as the waitress approached and sat down our drinks. "Just put it on my tab." He told her before she left and he returned his attention back to me. "I know it's just wishful thinking on my part, but I keep hoping she'll at least make some friends."

"I know this is none of my business, but if I'm understanding you correctly she doesn't have any friends?"

He shook his head and took a drink. "Nope, not one. At least no one I've heard of. Mom and Dad keep hoping she'll come home to visit, and I keep inviting her but she won't."

He seemed to want to talk about it, so I just offered an ear. If I was getting too personal I'm sure he'd tell me. "How long has it been?"

"Nearly twenty years. She went into starfleet at fifteen and my parents let her go. Anna didn't want anything more to do with them, and it broke their hearts, especially our mothers. She was definitely her mother's daughter, they used to do everything together until I was born. They knew she was jealous because she wouldn't have their undivided attention anymore, but they figured she'd grow out of it. Obviously that didn't happen." He said then took a large swallow from his glass.

I hadn't even taken a sip yet, so I took a drink and he was right, it tasted great. "Why do you think she never outgrew it?" I asked.

"My father told me once that Anna and mom had a talk just before she went to the academy. Whatever it was about it don't know, but afterward Anna left and they hadn't spoken since."

"Not once it twenty years?" I couldn't believe it.

"Not once." He said then finished his glass. "It was nice talking to you Commander, but my ship is scheduled to depart tomorrow morning at zero-six-hundred."

"I understand." He stood up. "Thanks for the drink."

"You're welcome." He replied with a smile and walked out.

Even now as I head back to my quarters I continue to think about it. I've served under her for a little over a year now and I've done my best to invite her to social functions. I even asked her out to dinner but every time she refused. Sometimes I think I should just stop trying to reach out to her, but every time I think about the look on Wil's face I can't. I'll reach her one of these days, I hope.

§2§

Standing, Anna put out a hand and placed it on the window frame. Her mind had stilled, feeling a moment of much needed peace.

"Beautiful night." Came a familiar male voice.

Turning toward the figure she didn't seem to look outwardly surprised, years of bitterness and training had hardened her. "You." She said accusingly. "What could you possibly want?"

"Is that any way to speak to an old friend of the family?" He asked from the darkness, trying to sound hurt.

She sighed annoyed, then turned to look out the window, crossing her arms. "You're no friend of mine."

"So how is dear old mom and dad?" He asked jovially. "That's right, you haven't spoken to them in almost twenty years, so it would be a little difficult to know wouldn't it? I'm surprised you still continue to keep your yearly appointments with your brother, considering that he was the cause of all your problems."

"I may have thought that once but I don't anymore." She replied softly, then her words gained strength as she turned to him. "Besides, I know who the problem is." She said pointly. "I'd ask you to leave but it would be pointless. So go or stay, I don't care."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." He clicked his tongue stepping forward. "I give you a gift and all you can do is complain about it. Well I'm not going to feel sympathy for you, I'm not built that way." Taking a seat in the chair before her desk he laced his fingers together as the external lights partially illuminated his features. Q sat silently in thought for a moment, considering what he wanted to do about the situation. Kathy was his child's godmother after all, the least he could do was attempt to bring her estranged daughter back to her.

He didn't fully understand why Anna was so bitter regarding her parents. Humans were totally inept in many regards, but at the same time he found himself captivated by them. Riker was correct when he said that he was intimidated by his kind, that humans would one day evolve into what his race was born with. It was troubling, but thankfully that wouldn't happen for several billion years.

Tilting his head he studied the back of the woman in front of him. He had learned enough about emotion over the last few thousand years to know she wasn't showing him everything, but only during the last forty has he made it a point of understanding it. The creation of his son had taught him that lesson more throughly than all the years he'd spent observing. "I suppose I shouldn't have enhanced your intelligence, perhaps that was a mistake, but the rest of what you're putting yourself through is entirely your own."

"If you say so." She remarked coldly.

"I do."

She turned toward him. "So what does it matter to you anyway?"

"It matters because it matters to Kathy. You've spent all these years hating your parents for no justifiable reason by my knowledge. Perhaps you'd like me to snap my fingers and take it all back."

"I don't care what you do Q."

"If it's one thing I've learned is that you care very much. If you didn't you wouldn't be so bitter."

She was amazed by his insight. "You surprise me, all this time I thought you were clueless to anything even remotely close to emotion."

"Becoming a father has a way of changing my perceptions. So, perhaps you'd care to talk about it."

"Now why would I want to do that?" She asked incredulously.

"For one simple reason that even a brain of your intellect should comprehend. I won't go until you do. You could retort but it would be pointless wouldn't it? It's just easier to give me what I want. I'm sure you've learned that by now."

Retaking her seat she nodded. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Tell me your earliest, fondest memory of childhood."

Leaning back in her chair she sighed before turning just enough to gaze out the window. "I was two years old ."

§3§

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat on the sofa in her ready room reading a data padd when the door chime sounded. "Come in." She said lowering the padd. When the door slid open a two year old Anna walked into the room still a little unsteady on her feet, Neelix not far behind. Smiling, she sat down the padd and held out her arms. "Come here precious." Turning toward the familiar voice, she smiled and headed for her open arms.

"I loved her so much, and I hated being separated from her. I wanted to be with her every minute of the day."

Reaching the steps, she climbed up and pushed herself back to her feet before reaching the safe harbor of her mothers arms.

"I remember how she smelled like lavender, and how loved and safe I felt in her arms. If only it could have stayed like that."

"Why didn't it?" Q asked.

"Do you want me to tell you or do you want to ask questions?" She asked annoyed. He became silent and gestured for her to continue.

"This is a surprise." Kathryn said hugging her while speaking to Neelix.

"She kept asking for you, and since things are pretty quiet for the moment I didn't think you'd have any objections." He replied.

"None, but I don't think we should make a habit of it." She said flashing him a smile as she lifted Anna onto her lap.

"Certainly Captain."

Putting her arms around Kathryn's neck, she kissed her cheek before hugging her. "Ma Ma?" She asked softly.

"Yes precious?" She replied patting her back gently.

"Can I stay with you?"

"I'm sorry but I've got a lot of work to do."

"I'll be good." She pleaded, her voice wavering.

"Oh honey don't cry." She said rocking her slightly. "All right, just this once."

"Captain?" Neelix questioned.

"It's fine, really. You can go on back to the nursery." He nodded, bid them goodbye and left.

Carrying her back to the desk, she sat before setting her down on the floor. Turning on the desktop monitor, Anna crawled under the desk next to her feet. She stayed very quiet while she gazed up at her mother's face, watching as Kathryn studied the screen before her. She was so still that she had forgotten about her after becoming completely absorbed in what she was doing.

"I remember thinking how I wanted to be just like her. I wanted her to be proud of me, and if she was, then perhaps she'd spend more time with me. She's a very passionate and caring woman, that's what I loved most. I could see it every time I looked into her eyes. She meant everything to me."

"You loved her very much."

"I used to." She replied softly then took in a breath and a transformation began to take place. Anna had once again donned her mask of stone. "There I told you want you wanted to know now leave." She said coldly.

"I'll leave when I'm finished and not a moment before." His tone was serious, deadly.

She turned to face him. Placing her hands on the desk she leaned forward, refusing to let him intimidate her. "You can't bully me Q because I'm beyond caring. I don't have anything left to lose except my life, and even that hasn't enough appeal to keep me interested. So why don't you leave the attitude outside because it doesn't impress me."

They stared at one another, and he could tell she meant every word. For the first time he didn't know what to do. How was he going to find out the real reason for her anger and hatred? True he could make her tell, but it wouldn't be with the real feelings and emotions he wanted to understand. It would be empty, forced. Then the answer presented itself. "You win, for now." He said and stood up. "But I will be back, and perhaps then you'll be a little less emotional, as you humans say." Snapping his fingers he vanished in a flash of light.

She knew he wouldn't let go so easily unless he had a plan. He was predictable that way. Sleep began working it's way back into her mind, creating a thick fog. Stepping around the desk she headed out the door. The members of the night shift only glanced up at her before returning their attention back to their work, unwilling to make eye contact.

Heading for the turbolift, she entered and ordered. "Deck two." It beeped and hummed to life. She hated shore leave, it gave her entirely too much time to think, and in her case that wasn't a good thing. When the door opened, she headed out and made her way to her quarters. Placing her palm on the metal plate next to her room, it scanned her before allowing access. Walking through the living area, she headed in the dark to the bedroom. Changing into a nightgown, she got into bed. Closing her eyes, she went to sleep.

§4§

A five year old Anna Janeway lay awake thinking when she heard soft moaning. Getting up, she made her way silently toward the sound, it was coming from her parents bedroom. Quietly she slid the door open and peeked around the corner. In the bed, her father lay on top of her mother, the blanket just covering him from the waist down as he moved rhythmically against her. Anna's eyes were transfixed on the unusual behavior, unable to tear herself away.

Her mothers legs came up to wrap around his waist while her hands gripped his arm and shoulder. She could hear soft gasps and moans coming from both of them. Her father leaned down and kissed her mothers neck as her hands went to his hair, holding him to her.

After several minutes, Kathryn tossed her head back and her body pushed forward as she bit her lip, trying to silence the cry she was wanting to make. As the orgasm grew in intensity, she gripped his neck and arm just before biting his shoulder. He grunted from the pain but didn't stop.

Her muscles continued to contract around him until he was finally pulled over the edge with her. Burying his face in her neck he grunted as he came inside her, thrusting into her sporadically for several seconds before ceasing his movements.

Lifting her head, Kathryn's eyes opened to discover they had an observer. She clutched Chakotay's back in surprise when she saw Anna. Realizing she had been caught, she withdrew quickly and closed the door quietly. Hurrying back to her room, she closed the door and jumped back in bed.

As she lay there, the look on her mothers face in the middle of her orgasm haunted her. She had read about sex, knew all about the biological purpose it served, but seeing the act performed before her own eyes was unsettling. Then another thought hit her. Were they wanting to have another baby? Just the idea of it was ridiculous. They didn't have enough time to spend with her so how could they find the time for another child? That is unless they didn't want her anymore.

"Did I do something to make them angry?" She wondered. "Do they not love me anymore?" Just the thought of it was enough to make her start crying. Rolling on her side, she cried herself to sleep.

The next morning during breakfast, her mother wouldn't look her in the eyes. She didn't know it was because she didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable after what happened last night, but Anna took it as she didn't love her. When Kathryn finished her coffee she stood up and kissed Chakotay goodbye before leaning down to give Anna a hug and a kiss. It felt different this time, as if her mother were forcing herself to do it. She almost started crying but didn't. "Have a nice day precious." She said then left.

Her father looked over at her and smiled then asked. "What's wrong sweetheart? You're awfully quiet this morning." Bowing her head she looked down at the cereal bowl so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Lifting her chin with his finger his heart broke when he saw her on the verge of crying. Standing up, he moved over to her and knelt down. Without a word, she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.

Holding her, he could feel her trembling. "You're shaking. What's wrong sweetheart?" She began crying. Stroking her hair he was becoming alarmed, she had never behaved like this before. "Please tell me what's wrong. Please honey." She only cried into his shoulder, unable to speak. His eyes shone with tears, seeing her like this was tearing him apart. Anna was pressed so tightly against him that he couldn't reach his com badge. "Computer locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her ready room."

"Is she alone?"

"Affirmative."

"Open a channel." The computer beeped, signaling it was finished. "Kathryn you'd better get back down here, something's wrong with Anna."

"I'll be right there."

When she arrived Chakotay sat on the sofa with Anna in his arms, her face buried in his neck crying. Approaching them, she felt her heart breaking hearing the heart wrenching sounds her daughter released. "What happened?" She asked taking a seat next to them and put her hand on Anna's back, rubbing lightly.

"She won't tell me. After you left I looked over at her and noticed there was something wrong. I went to her and she threw herself into my arms crying. I don't know what to do. She won't tell me what's wrong." He answered helplessly.

"I think I may know." She said softly.

"You do? What is it?"

"Let me talk to her alone first, all right?"

Reluctantly he agreed and gently pulled Anna back and placed her on Kathryn's lap. Laying her head against her chest, Anna wrapped her arms around her waist. Chakotay wiped the tears from her eyes. "I love you sweetheart." He said then kissed her forehead. Sitting up he looked into Kathryn's eyes. "I'll be on the bridge if you need me." She nodded. Giving her a quick kiss he stood up, stroked his daughters hair then left.

Rubbing Anna's shoulder Kathryn rested her cheek against the top of her head and asked softly. "You're upset about what you saw last night aren't you?" She nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?" She remained silent. "How am I supposed to know what's bothering you if you don't tell me."

She was right, how could she know. "Seeing you touching each other like that . . ."

"Bothered you?" She nodded. "Oh honey, you weren't supposed to see us that way. If we had known you were there we would have stopped."

Taking a deep breath she asked. "Are you and daddy going to have another baby?"

"What makes you ask that?"

"Because grown-ups don't do what you were doing last night unless they want a baby."

Kathryn laughed softly. "That's not the only reason but you're right, we do want to have another baby."

"Why? Don't you love me anymore?"

She pulled back to look her in the eyes. "We love you very much. How could you think for one second we didn't?"

"You and daddy don't have much time to spend with me now, and if you have another baby you won't have any time left for me."

"So that's what this is about. You're afraid we don't want you anymore." She nodded. Taking her face in her hand she stared directly into her eyes. "Listen to me. We love you, and we want to spend every second with you but because of our situation we can't. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but why do you want to have another baby when you know you won't be able to spend that much time with us?"

"How did she become so observant? A five year old shouldn't be asking questions like this." She thought. "Well for one you're father and I don't have the luxury of youth, and I only have so much time before I can no longer have anymore children."

"Meno- meno-" She couldn't say it.

"Menopause." Kathryn finished for her. "How do you know about that?" She asked amazed that she knew about it.

"I read about it in the medical data base. The Doctor was teaching us about how animals re-pro-duce." She pronounced carefully. "So I wanted to know more about how it was done and why. Then I started reading about humans to see what the differences were, and unlike animals who re-pro-duce out of instinct, humans have the choice of deciding if they want a baby or not. It also said that human woman can begin going through meno- what you said, around the age of fifty-five to sixty-five."

Kathryn listened to her in awe. "You never cease to amaze me. Every time I turn around you've learned something new."

"So are you wanting to have another baby because you won't be able to soon?"

Pulled from her astonishment she replied. "That's part of it, but mostly because we want another one. I believe we have enough love for both of you. It's true that we won't be able to give you all our attention but that doesn't mean we love you any less. Do you believe me?" She nodded. "That's my girl." She smiled and pulled her back into her arms, kissing the top of her head she hugged her. Anna still wasn't thrilled about the idea, but at least she knew her parents did in fact love her as much as she did them.

"I love you mommy."

"I love you too precious, always." They sat there holding each other for a few more minutes until Kathryn said. "It's almost zero-nine-hundred. You have a lesson with Harry in ten minutes. Why don't you get your clarinet and I'll take you down."

"Ok. Are you and daddy still coming to hear me play tonight?"

"We wouldn't miss it." She replied then kissed the top of her head before helping her off her lap. Watching Anna head for her room, she couldn't help but wonder if she would accept a baby without looking at it as a threat. Perhaps in time she'd come to like the idea of having a brother or sister, she hoped.

§5§

Before he had gone to bed last night, his sister's ship the Black Star - a battle cruiser - had docked at Deep Space Nine. He wondered if she had changed during the last eight months, he hoped so, but he knew she hadn't. She had remained too isolated and distant to ever change.

He had spoken to mom a few days ago, dad wasn't doing well, and could leave us as any time. The Doctor discovered a couple of months ago that he had contracted a rare strain of the Atrebal flu. To Atrebal's the disease was harmless, but to humans it was fatal, and to make matters worse there's no known cure.

He could remember how his mother looked over the monitor, tired and heartbroken. She loved him deeply, and to see him slipping a little further away each day was killing her. If he died before a cure was found he had no doubt she'd follow him soon after, which left him wondering if Anna knew that he was dying would she go see him? He didn't know, and wouldn't know until he told her. Ordering a cup of black coffee - a habit he had picked up from his mother - he got ready for his lunch meeting with Anna at the Quantum Cafe.

At nearly twelve hundred, she walked into the restaurant. Standing up he waved her over. Taking her seat he said. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Wait a minute. You're supposed to ask me if I've had anything interesting happen over the last eight months, then I'm supposed to ask you if you've had any interesting cases." She said.

"Not this time, I think we pretty much know what the answers to those questions are. I need to tell you about dad."

"What about him?" She asked uninterested.

"He's dying. Two months ago he contracted a rare strain of the Atrebal flu. He wants to see you, I think you owe him that much."

"I don't owe him anything."

"Would you stop being selfish for one second?" He asked angrily.

"Save your counseling routine for someone who actually cares."

"I can't believe that even you could be so heartless. He's our father for crying out loud. Without him you wouldn't be here."

"Are you trying to say I should be grateful to a man who only had to have an orgasm?"

"That was crude and completely uncalled for." He replied disgusted. "I don't understand why I keep trying to reach out to you when it's obvious you're never going to change. Every time we get together it's always the same thing." He said angrily. "I want to know what you and mom talked about before you went to the academy. What did she say to you? What was so bad terrible that you never wanted to talk to her or dad again?" He demanded.

"I don't want to talk about it." She answered coldly.

"Fine." He said standing. "Don't tell me. In fact, don't ever talk to me again. As far as I'm concerned, at this moment I no longer have a sister. I'd say have a nice life but it would be pointless, you're determined to be miserable."

The waitress approached. "Can I take your order?"

"Nothing for me, I'm leaving." He said then looked back at Anna. "Goodbye Anna." Turning, he left.

In all the time she's known him he's never been this upset. She'd gone too far this time, and she knew in her heart he meant every word. This would be the last time she'd ever see him again, and that bothered the hell out of her. At this moment she never felt so alone, and she had brought it upon herself, just as she had everything else in her life.

§6§

A week had passed since her last meeting with Wil, and Q had not come back as he said he would. She found herself for the first time really needing to talk with someone, anyone. She never thought she would feel this overwhelming desire to speak to another person. Sitting behind the desk in her ready room the door chime sounded. "Enter."

Commander Irving stepped inside. "I have the engineering report you requested."

"Thank you." She said softly as he laid the padd on her desk then turned to leave. "Commander."

"Yes Captain?" He turned back toward her.

"I-" She cut herself off, unsure. "I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"Certainly."

"It's of a personal nature."

He looked as if she had just told him he won the Frengi lottery. "Of course. I'd be happy to help if I can."

"Have a seat." He did. "Would you like a cup of coffee?"

"No thanks, I'm fine."

She nodded then took a deep breath. "I'm not sure how to begin. I've never spoken to anyone about my feelings before."

"I understand. It's never easy to share your inner most thoughts with someone."

"How do you do it?" She asked.

Rubbing his palms across his thighs he let out a steady stream of air. "That's a tough question. First it helps to know that the person you're talking to is someone you can trust, that you feel comfortable with."

She nodded. "I don't know you very well, but for some reason I feel that I can trust you, all though I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it stems from all the invitations you've made over the last year."

"Perhaps, but I do want you to know Captain that whatever you tell me will remain between us. I promise you that."

Staring into his eyes she knew he meant it. "I believe you."

"So why don't you start by telling me what's bothering you and we can take it from there."

"All right." She replied leaning back in her chair. "I spoke to my brother Wil a week ago on Deep Space Nine, and he told me that our father is dying."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said sympathetically.

"Yes well," She stammered unsure of how to react to his compassion, then continued. "He said that he wanted to see me once more before he died and I refused. I honestly have nothing I want to say to him."

"I don't think that was the point."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I'm sure all he wants is to tell you he loves you, and to know that you're all right. He hasn't seen you in twenty years. That's a long time to go without seeing your child. Facing your own mortality has a way of making a person want to make peace with those they love, because they know they'll never get another chance."

"Are you saying I should go?"

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think you should at least give it some thought before you dismiss it entirely."

"What would you do if you were me?"

"Well I'm not sure because I don't know the circumstances of why you've cut them out of your life."

"You're right."

"I don't want you to think I'm being pushy, or trying to get you to spill your guts, but perhaps if you told me why you hate them so much I'd be able to understand your point of view."

She nodded. "When my brother was born I hated him, resented him because I'd no longer have mom and dad to myself anymore. Since we were still in the delta quadrant I rarely got to spend any time with them, and when he entered the picture that time would be even less."

"That's natural to be jealous of a sibling."

"In most cases yes, but I never got over it. At that point I felt that if they loved me as much as they said they did, they wouldn't have had another baby knowing how I felt about it. My mother tried to make me feel apart of her pregnancy. That if I felt I was included I'd begin to look forward to having a brother, but I resisted. I didn't want any part of it. Even when she went into labor I didn't go into the delivery room even though I knew she wanted me to be there.

"I stayed in the Doctor's office, sitting under his desk, while I listened to my mother crying out in pain. My father trying to comfort and encourage her. The Doctor telling her to push. If I could have blocked it out I would. I can remember hearing my brother's first cry when he was born. The voice of the Doctor when he told them they had a healthy baby boy, the sound of my mother laughing with joy at the news, my father telling her how beautiful he was. It was like daggers twisting in my heart, and I could feel myself grow cold. I hated them both.

"When the Doctor came back to his office to enter his name into the log, he found me under the desk. He asked me why I wasn't in the delivery room. I told him that I had no place there. He just looked at me in puzzlement and said of course I belonged there, they were my parents and that was my brother. Then before I could reply my father entered the room and asked me to come out. I wanted to be left alone, and I knew that wasn't going to happen so I did.

"He tried to pick me up but I wouldn't let him, and the look of hurt on his face was evident because I'd never done that before. He knelt down in front of me and said that he knew I was upset but it would break my mothers heart if I didn't go see her. I wanted to scream. They had already broken my heart, so how could he ask me to put my feelings aside as if they had no meaning?

"I wanted to tell him no, to just run away as fast as my legs would carry me, but I didn't. Reluctantly I agreed. When we entered the room, there on my mothers chest lay William on his stomach. His tiny hands curled into fists as he slept peacefully, listening to the comforting sound of her heartbeat.

"When I looked up at my mothers face, I had never see her look so tired and worn out, not even when she's pulled three eight hour shifts on the bridge. She motioned for me to come closer and asked if I was ready to meet my brother. Again I didn't want to, but I did it just the same. All I did was stand and stare at him without saying a word. I wanted them to know that I still wasn't happy about him being here, and they knew it. The sadness I saw in her eyes was unmistakable. I didn't feel remorse for hurting her, in fact it was just the opposite. At that moment they felt what I'd been feeling since the moment I found out they were trying to have another baby. Our relationship had never been the same since.

"I threw myself into my music, using it as a distraction but I didn't work. As the years passed we grew further apart, especially after Harry rejected me."

"Harry?" He questioned.

"Harry Kim, he was the chief of operations aboard Voyager several years ago, and the person who taught me how to play the clarinet."

"I see."

"I was seven when he started dating Ensign Nancy Talley in engineering. I had always thought that their relationship wouldn't last but it did. When I was ten they announced that they were getting married. I was devastated, but it was nothing compared to how I felt after I told him I loved him and he rejected me. After that day I gave up music. I couldn't play the clarinet without thinking about him. He tried to talk to me, continue our lessons but I refused. And when we returned to the alpha quadrant five years later I found something among my parents belongings that ended our relationship forever."

"And what was that?" He asked, his curiosity piqued.

"As my parents were being briefed by Starfleet Command, they asked me to begin packing mine and William's things. After I was done, I decided to help them out my packing some of their clothes. At that time our relationship was beginning to improve. In their closet as I was removing their clothes, I found a small box in the bottom drawer. Opening it, I found a data chip. Curious, I took it to my room and inserted it into my desk top monitor.

"Accessing the chip I began to hear log entries by a man named Ensign Randy Foster. He wasn't on the crew roster, and I had never seen him on board, in the log I found out why. He had been obsessed with my mother, wanting her. In several of his logs he talked about his desire to have sex with her, and in one particular log he does by drugging her while she's sleeping. It made me sick to my stomach, but that isn't the worst I'm afraid. There were several video recordings he had made of her while she was in her quarters, but the one recording he made of himself raping her disturbed me greatly. I can remember the sound of her scream as he forced himself inside her, how he mashed her face into the mattress while she screamed herself hoarse. How she struggled to get up."

"My god." He whispered. "I never knew that."

"Of course you wouldn't. My parents have been suppressing that knowledge for years. I would never have known about it until I came across that data chip twenty years ago. What bothered me most was not that my mother had been raped, but that they didn't tell me themselves. I had to find out from an old data chip."

"I'm sure your parents weren't trying to keep you in the dark about it. Besides, when would be the right time to tell your child you were raped? I don't think there is such a time, do you?"

"That's not the point." She replied agitated. "They lied to me, to Wil. They had agreed when we were children that they would never keep secrets from us. They would always be honest with us, and they broke their promise. How can you trust someone who hides a secret like that? You can't, at least I can't. Wil could forgive them anything."

He was silent for a moment in thought. "So you've cut them out of your life because you felt they lied to you?"

She rolled her eyes in frustration. "I was a fool to think you might understand, apparently I was mistaken."

"Capt-" he began but was cut off quickly.

"I don't want to discuss this any longer." She said harshly, turning in her chair to face the windows. "Thank you Commander, I just wish I could say our talk was worth the time. Dismissed."

Standing up, he stared at her refection in the window, wondering what went wrong when he thought she was finally making progress by opening up to him, even if it was just for a short while. At least now he understood her a little better then he did when he entered the room. Perhaps she needed some time to think, and he would give it to her. "Very well Captain. If you decide you want to talk later you know where to find me." She said nothing. Quietly, he left.

§7§

Holding the chip in her hand Anna sat on the sofa, her suitcase at her feet, waiting for one or both of her parents to come home. An hour passed before her mother entered. Immediately she stood and held up the chip. "Do you have something you want to tell me?" Anna asked.

"What are you talking about?" Kathryn replied confused.

"Does the name Randy Foster ring a bell?" Her face when white. "Apparently it does. Why didn't you tell me? I thought we promised not to keep secrets, obviously you lied."

"I didn't lie to you."

"Then why didn't you tell me before I stumbled across his logs and recordings? Do you have any idea what it's like to see your mother being raped by some man you didn't even know existed until a couple of hours ago? Do you know how disturbing that is?"

"Yes, I do." She answered softly.

"And you decided not to tell me about it anyway, why?"

"Put yourself in my shoes for a minute Anna. How do you tell your child that you were raped by a member of your crew? Do you know? Because I honestly don't."

"If it was too painful for you to tell me then why didn't dad do it? Why take the chance of me finding out on my own? Now I'm going to have to live with those images for the rest of my life." She said angrily.

At this moment Kathryn had lost patience. The anger that had been building finally overwhelmed her. "Let me tell you something. You have no idea what it's like to be violated, to have someone forcing themselves on you. He played that recording for the entire crew, so you tell me how you can look your crew in the eye knowing they saw you being raped? The captain is supposed to be a symbol of strength for everyone who serves under them, and he destroyed that. When they looked at me afterward they didn't see a captain, they saw a victim. It's taken me a long time to build myself back up in their eyes, and if I told you what happened you would never look at me the same way again."

"How do you know? You never gave me a chance. You had already decided in your mind how I would react. The truth is you didn't trust me enough to handle it like an adult so you kept me in the dark. Which makes me wonder how many other things you didn't tell me about. How am I suppose to keep trusting you when you don't trust me?"

Kathryn let out a long exaltation of breath, trying to force herself to calm down. Nothing would be solved by shouting, she knew better but allowed herself to do it anyway. The mention of Randy Foster's name still had the power to upset her, even after nearly twenty years. "I do trust you Anna, but my not telling you about . . . him." She forced herself to acknowledge. "Had nothing to do with trust. I just wanted to forget he ever existed, then there are times I hear a word, catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of him and I'm filled with undescribable fear."

Anna approached and lifted her mother's hand. Placing the chip in her palm, she closed her fingers around it. Looking up, she could see the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened to you, but that was almost twenty years ago. I think it's time you got over it." She replied coldly, picked up her suitcase and walked out.

Kathryn stood there, holding the data chip in shock. When she heard the door close behind her the anger resurfaced. Walking out she stood in the corridor and saw her heading for the turbolift. "Anna you come back here!" She said nothing. "Anna!"

The lift opened and Chakotay stepped out as Anna stepped inside. "Where are you going?" He asked confused.

"Chakotay stop her!" Kathryn shouted angrily, heading toward them.

When he turned around the door closed. Turning back, Kathryn was within arms reach, fuming. Taking her by the shoulders he asked. "What happened?" When she looked up at him, he noticed the tears in her eyes. "What's wrong?" She was so angry and upset she couldn't speak. Lifting her arms between them she knocked his hands from her shoulders and headed back into their quarters, he followed.

Entering, he saw her pacing. Then he noticed she was clutching something in her right hand. Again he approached her. She stopped to look at him, murder in her eyes. He stepped back and held up his hands, he'd seen this look before. "Hey, I know you're not angry at me. You want to tell me what all that was about out there?"

"This is what it's about." She replied thrusting her right hand into his chest, he pulled her hand back enough to release her grip on the object in her fist. What he found was a data chip.

"What's this?"

"Randy Foster's logs." She replied trying to calm herself down.

His face went white. "Anna found it?" Kathryn nodded and turned her face away as a hand covered her mouth. He could hear her crying softly. Tossing the chip on the desk, he walked up and slipped his arms around her waist. She turned and buried her face in his chest, not wanting him to see her cry. Holding her, he kissed the top of her head before resting his cheek on it, rocking her gently from side to side until she calmed down.

After several minutes she pulled back and turned away, but he held her hand, refusing to let go. "Don't walk away from me. We've been though too much together." She wouldn't look at him, but didn't try to release her hand from his grasp. "Talk to me." She shook her head. "Kathryn tell me what she said."

Taking a deep breath she replied. "I don't want to talk about it right now, please Chakotay."

"All right." He said releasing her hand. Slowly she headed into the bedroom. Picking up the data chip, he walked up to the door and saw her laying on the bed, facing away from him. Sitting down next to her he brushed the hair away from her face, revealing her cheek. "I'm going out for a little while, and don't worry about William, I'll pick him up from Tom and B'Elanna's on my way back." She nodded. Leaning over he kissed her cheek then spoke softly against her ear. "I love you."

Reaching up she patted his cheek and whispered. "I love you too."

Squeezing her hand gently, he kissed the palm and laid it back next to her face before standing up and leaving. Out in the corridor his com badge chirped. "Tuvok to Chakotay."

"Go ahead Tuvok."

"I have your daughter detained in my office. She attempted to initiate transport without authorization."

"I'll be right there."

§8§

Entering his office Tuvok stood up to meet him, Anna sat on the sofa across from his deck. "Could you leave us alone for a minute?" Chakotay asked.

With a nod he replied. "Certainly." Then left the room.

Once he was gone he said in controlled anger. "I don't know what you said to your mother but you hurt her deeply. However, she did manage to let me know what it was about." He said holding up the data chip before setting it on the desk next to him. "I've tried my best to understand your feelings even when the cause has escaped me, and I've never forced you to talk about it, but this time you're going to tell me or you're not leaving this room." She looked away, refusing to answer. "Now!" He shouted, and her head snapped back to look at him. In all the years he's never raised his voice to her.

"You lied to me." She replied just as angry. "I saw what happened, and not once in fifteen years did you ever make any attempt to tell me the truth. I had to find out from a data chip. Whatever happened to not keeping secrets from each other? Obviously you decided to keep that promise only when it was convenient for you."

"I could say the same about you. Half the time we never know what's going through your head."

She stood up. "Well it doesn't matter, because I never want to see either of you again. You can keep your secrets and I'll keep mine and we'll just leave it at that."

He took a step forward. "Oh so that's how it is? You run away when things get too tough? You'll never make it in starfleet that way."

"I'm not running away!" She shouted.

"Then what would you call it?"

"Knowing when to walk away from a bad situation." She replied lowering her voice.

"Well this time I'm afraid I can't oblige, not until you've apologized to your mother."

"No way in hell."

Before he knew it, he had slapped her hard across the cheek, making her stumble to the side. Holding her stinging cheek she stared up at him in shock. "I can't believe I did that." He said surprised at himself.

"Neither can I." She agreed. Dropping her hand, she walked past him and grabbed her suitcase.

When she headed for the door he grasped her arm and she pulled it away harshly and left, he followed. "Anna I'm sorry!" He called after her. Tuvok was blocking her way to the turbolift. "Let her go."

"Commander?" He questioned and Chakotay nodded. Stepping aside he allowed her to pass. When Tuvok approached he said. "Allow her transport to the surface."

"Yes sir."

§9§

Entering their quarters an hour later he saw Kathryn sitting in her chair holding a cup of coffee. Upon seeing his swollen eyes she sat down the cup and followed him into the bedroom where he immediately laid down. Setting down behind him, she leaned over and stoked his head as he cried. "Honey what's wrong? Where's Anna?"

"Gone." He choked out.

She couldn't remember seeing him cry like this before. "Gone? Where?" He just shook his head, unable to speak. Wrapping her arms around him, she rested her chin on his shoulder and made soothing sounds in an attempt to calm him. Reaching up he held her arms and squeezed as the sounds of grief grew louder. She waited patiently, letting him get it out of his system even though her heart ached seeing him like this.

When he calmed down enough to speak again, he sat up and turned toward her and took her in his arms. "I'm so sorry Kathryn." He said in tears. "I didn't mean it, please forgive me."

She held him to her, one hand stroking the back of his head. "Forgive you for what?"

"I- I slapped her."

"You what?" She replied shocked, pulling back to look him in the eyes. He'd never struck either of their children, he didn't believe in it. "Why?"

"She said she didn't want to see either of us again and that she was leaving. I told her that she wasn't going anywhere until she apologized for what she said to you." He took a breath, trying to calm himself.

"Then what?"

"She said no way in hell. I was so angry that before I knew it I slapped her. God I never meant to do that. I tried to apologize before she left the room but I couldn't speak. I was so shocked by what I had done that the words wouldn't come until she was already out the door. Tuvok stopped her in the corridor but I knew it was useless, so I gave him my authorization to allow her to be transported to starfleet headquarters." He said, his voice beginning to choke with tears again. "Please forgive me Kathryn."

Taking his face in both hands she looked directly into this eyes, tears shinning in her own. "I know you didn't mean to slap her. You had reached your breaking point, and the anger you've held in all these years finally surfaced. Out of the two of us, you've been more patient with her than I have, and I understand that your patience is not without it's limits. So yes, I forgive you." She replied then gave him a reassuring smile. "This too shall pass, she's just going to need time to cool down. I'm sure she didn't mean what she said."

Taking her in his arms he held her tight, crying into her shoulder. They had no idea she meant every word, it wasn't until months later they realized she clearly meant it.

§10§

Stepping off the shuttle craft, Wil made his way to the public transport site. He couldn't stop thinking about his last conversation with Anna - if you could call it that. Even now he still didn't understand why she hated mom and dad so much, especially being able to hold a grudge all these years. "What the hell happened the day she left for the academy? What did mom say that could cause her to feel this way? What could be so horrible she would cut them out of her life forever?" He wondered stepping onto the transporter padd.

Seconds later he materialized, standing on a pad in Indiana. Renting a hover car, he headed for the house he pretty much grew up in. The house originally belonged to his grandparents Gretchen and Edward Janeway.

He had the privilege of knowing his grandmother before she died six years ago, but his grandfather had died in a shuttle crash when his mother was a young woman, along with a man named Justin Tighe who she had been engaged to marry. If he hadn't of died she wouldn't have become engaged to a man named Mark - who she had known since childhood - and probably wouldn't have been in command of Voyager when it was whisked away to the delta quadrant. She certainly wouldn't have met his father, and therefore he wouldn't be alive today. Both he and Anna had a lot to be thankful for, it was a damn shame she couldn't see it.

Pulling up to the house, he deactivated the craft and retrieved his duffel bag before walking up to the door. Knocking, he waited a few minutes before his mother finally opened the door surprised. She hadn't been expecting him. "William?" She questioned, unsure if she could trust what her eyes were seeing.

"Yes mom, it's me." He answered with a smile.

Wrapping his arms around him she said. "We weren't expecting you."

"I know." He replied hugging her back with his free arm. "Captain LaForge had orders to return to San Francisco, so while we're here I thought I'd take a few days to see you and dad."

Letting go she smiled and waved him in. "We're happy to see you anytime." She said as he sat down the duffel bag, then her tone became serious. "Have you talked to Anna?" He nodded.

"Is she coming?"

"I'm afraid not, besides she's not one of my favorite people at the moment."

"Oh?" She questioned raising an eyebrow. "What did she say?"

"I don't want to get into it, but I can say that I'm no longer speaking to her."

"It was that bad?"

"Yes, it was that bad." He answered. "So," He continued, changing the subject. "Is dad awake?"

She nodded. "He's in the middle of eating dinner. I'll take you to him."

Following her down the corridor, he entered their bedroom to see his father sitting up in bed, a folding tray across his lap. Looking up, he smiled upon seeing him. "Wil."

God he looked like hell. The once strong muscular man he remembered from his youth had been reduced to a bag of bones. He was barely recognizable. "How are you feeling dad?" He asked as he approached his father and gave him a hug before taking a seat in the chair beside his bed.

"I've been better, but I feel pretty good today."

"Glad to hear it." Then sighed. "Might as well tell him." He thought. "Anna's not coming."

Nodding he said. "I suspected as much. I had hoped she would come but I knew in my heart it was a waste of time. Thank you for at least trying." The anger I felt toward Anna at that moment rendered me speechless. Taking his arm I squeezed gently and smiled, he smiled back. Then a sadness overcame him. "I wish things could have been different. I wonder what we did wrong with Anna that caused her to turn out the way she did."

"It wasn't either of your fault. She's the one who read too much into every word, gesture, or smile you gave. There wasn't a moment I could remember her being treated any differently. I didn't understand her behavior until I became a physiologist. People who are as intelligent as she is become one of two things; they don't express emotion, or they're emotionally intense. She just happens to be the latter. So I don't want either of you blaming yourself for the way she turned out, all right?"

"All right Wil." He replied.

"I'm going to go get cleaned up. I'll be back later if you're still awake." Patting him on the arm lightly he stood up and left the room.

§11§

Standing before the replicator in her quarters, Anna ordered a cup of coffee. Once it appeared, she took a drink before retaking her seat at the desk to finish up reading the daily reports. Lately she'd made it a point of keeping herself busy since her talk with Commander Irving nearly three weeks ago, and the falling out between her and Wil, she had no one left. It wasn't until a week had passed that she began to realize how alone she truly was.

"Hard at work I see."

Her head snapped up to see Q sitting on the sofa. "Look who decided to come back." She remarked sarcastically.

He ignored her tone. At this moment he had other things in mind. "I told you I would, I just never said when."

Standing, she stepped out from behind the desk and took a few steps toward him. "Why have you come back? Do you derive some strange pleasure from pestering anyone who captures your eye?"

"Believe it or not I'm here to help you."

"I choose the latter."

"I wouldn't judge my motives so quickly when I'm the only one who can help you."

She scoffed at the reply. "Help me? I seriously doubt that. I've heard and read all the stories of your appearances of the years. The last thing you've ever done was help anyone. Everything you do is for your own amusement."

He tilted his head to the side and nodded slightly. "That may have been the case once, but I've changed. To tell the truth I'm only trying to help because of Kathy. She's taught me many aspects of human behavior, helped me to understand it, and now I'm here to return the favor."

"By trying to get me to tell you about my feelings? I don't see how that's going to help."

"I've been watching you since our last meeting, and I finally understand why you've become so bitter, even though it's unjustified."

"Unjustified? I hardly think so."

"You'll understand once you've seen yourself from the outside."

She raised an eyebrow. "What is it you have in mind Q?"

"I'm going to show you exactly what I have in mind." Snapping his fingers, they both appeared in her parents quarters on Voyager.

"What the hell? Where have you-" Before she could get the question out of her mouth the door slid open. Entering, Kathryn and a six year old Anna stepped inside.

"Mommy?"

"Yes precious?" Kathryn said taking a seat on the sofa looking worn out.

"What's the matter?" She asked climbing up to sit next to her.

"I'm just a little tired. I need to rest for a minute." She replied closing her eyes.

Anna looked up at her knowing there was something wrong. "You've been tired a lot lately. Are you sick?"

"No honey I'm not sick."

"Then why have you been throwing up?"

Kathryn's eyes shot open in surprise. Looking down at her she questioned. "How do you know about that?"

"During dinner yesterday you got up and went to the bathroom in a hurry. Daddy tried to keep me distracted by asking me about school but I could hear you getting sick in there. I have good hearing."

"I'd say so." She replied in amazement. "Sometimes I forget how perceptive you are."

"So what's wrong mommy?" Anna asked concerned.

Letting out a long breath, Kathryn sat up and turned toward her. "Your father and I have been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

"Tell me what?" She asked. Deep inside she already knew, but had been hoping she was wrong.

"There's no easy way to say this so I'm going to spit it out. I'm pregnant."

"How long have you known?"

"Almost two months."

"And how far along are you?"

"A little over three."

"What is it? A boy or girl?"

"A boy." Kathryn was surprised at how calm she was. Perhaps they had misjudged her reaction. "How do you feel about having a brother?"

Her expression was a mask of stone. "From my understanding it is customary for a person to offer their congratulations." Standing, she extended her hand.

"Anna." Kathryn said reaching out to touch her.

Taking a step back she moved out of reach. "Congratulations mother." Without another word she entered her room and closed the door.

Leaning back against the sofa, Kathryn fought back the tears until they overwhelmed her. Leaning forward, she cried into her hands.

"I must say that your response to the news of your mothers pregnancy would have been appropriate if you weren't her daughter." Q commented.

Watching her mother cry she replied. "They both knew I didn't want them to have a baby, so I think I reacted well in light of the circumstances."

"You may be able to fool others into believing that but I know better. By treating her as a stranger you knew it would hurt her more than if you just threw a temper tantrum."

She looked over at him. "Perhaps your not as inept at understanding emotion as you first lead me to believe."

"You would be surprised by what I've learned over the years." He replied. "Let's move on shall we?" Snapping her fingers they appeared in her parents bedroom.

Laying in bed, Chakotay lay partially on top of Kathryn under the blanket kissing her neck. When he slid his hand from her breast and under the covers to stroke her through her panties, she didn't respond in the manor he had come to expect. Pulling back he said. "You don't seem interested tonight. Is it me?"

"I'm just not in the mood."

Moving off of her, she rolled onto her side facing away from him. Propping himself up on his elbow, he leaned forward and kissed her shoulder before stroking her arm lightly. "It's Anna isn't it?" He asked softly. She nodded. "Give her some time, she'll come around."

"You didn't see the look on her face when I told her. She treated me like a stranger." Her voice cracked on the last few words.

Gently he rolled her onto her back and saw the tears in her eyes. Stroking her cheek he said. "Anna's one of those people who doesn't accept change very easily. She just needs time to get used to the idea, all right?" She nodded. "Smile for me Kathryn." He encouraged her with a smile of his own. "Don't make me take drastic measures." He said reaching down to lightly tickle her side. A laugh escaped her lips as she pushed his hand away, then she smiled. "That's my girl." He said before giving her a soft kiss on the lips. "What do you say we get some sleep?"

"Sounds good to me." She said stifling a yawn.

Rolling onto his back, he lifted his arm to allow her to lay her head on his shoulder. Once she was comfortable, he lowered his arm around her as she rested her hand on his chest, closing her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too honey." She replied.

Giving her a kiss on the head, he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him.

"They love you Anna. If they didn't, why would either of them care how you felt?" Q asked.

"What's the point of all this?" She asked turning to him. "What is it you expect me to say? I'm sorry that I hurt their feelings?"

He shook his head in irritation. "You're missing the point. Perhaps your heart has grown as cold as your brother said."

Her brow furrowed in anger. "I do have feelings."

"I never said you didn't, but all you seem to feel is hate and bitterness. The concept of love and acceptance has been forgotten over the years. I'm doing this to help remind you."

"I don't need your help, and for the record I never asked for it. Take me back Q." She demanded.

"I will when we're finished. You don't think you need my help but you do. In time you'll come to realize that." Before she could reply, he snapped his fingers and they appeared in the living room.

Chakotay, Anna, and a obviously pregnant Kathryn were seated at the table eating dinner. "Do you remember what's about to happen here?"

"Yes." She answered stepping forward. "My mother almost had a miscarriage."

"Do you remember why?" He asked.

She turned to him angrily. "You know why."

"Yes I do, but I want to hear you say it."

"Don't hold your breath." She replied turning back to look at her mother. "It was because of me." She thought. "I had been putting her under a great deal of stress, never giving her an inch. Because of my selfishness I nearly killed not only my brother but her as well. I had blocked it out, made myself forget that it ever happened."

Listening to her thoughts Q smiled. Even though she couldn't say it out loud, she had at least admitted it to herself, that was the important thing. She was feeling remorse, and it was a start.

"How was school today?" Kathryn asked.

Picking at her food she said nothing. "Anna, your mother asked you a question." Chakotay said quickly losing his patience.

Laying a hand on his arm she said. "It's all right Chakotay."

"No it's not all right. She's been ignoring you for the last four months and I'm tired of it." He replied angrily before returning his attention back to Anna. "Do you have any idea how upset your mothers been? She lays in bed each night crying because you've made her feel guilty about having another baby."

"She should feel guilty. I told her I didn't want her to have a baby and she did it anyway." She spat back.

"Let's just calm down." Kathryn interjected trying to put a stop to their argument. In her current condition it was easy to upset her, especially because of how she's been feeling over the last few months.

"No!" She shouted in defiance.

"You are two seconds away from being grounded, so I suggest you tone down the attitude." Chakotay warned.

"Make me!"

"All right that's it. Not only are you grounded but you're going to be spending it in your room with no holo games for a week." He said, doing his best not to raise his voice.

"You're going to punish me because of how I feel?"

"I'm punishing you because I told you to knock off the attitude and you didn't."

Kathryn dropped her fork, having lost her appetite. She could feel the tears forcing their way into her eyes. "Please just stop, both of you."

"So I'm not allowed to express myself is that it?" She continued, ignoring her.

"Drop it Anna, you're upsetting your mother."

"She stopped being my mother the moment she got pregnant."

Her words felt like daggers in her heart. Before she could prevent the tears from coming they sprung forth. "Anna please don't say that." Kathryn said reaching out to touch her, wanting to hold her.

Slapping her hand aside she stood up. "Don't touch me! Don't you ever touch me again! You no longer have that right!"

Seeing her in tears, Chakotay stood up furious. She had crossed the line and he had no intention of letting her get away with it. Moving around the table he grabbed Anna by the arm, intent on spanking her. He never believed in it, but at this moment he saw no other alternative. Reasoning with her had proven to be a wasted effort.

When Kathryn tried to stand up she immediately sat back down with a cry, it felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. His anger evaporated as he released Anna's arm and turned around before kneeling down in front of her. "What is it? Is it the baby?"

"I don't know." She answered before another cry escaped her lips, both hands clutching her stomach.

Through the light cream colored pants of her maternity suit he noticed another color spreading across the inside of her thighs, the color red. Slapping his com badge he said. "Chakotay to transporter room. I have a medical emergency. Lock onto myself and the Captain and beam us directly to sickbay."

"Acknowledged." Came a male voice. Seconds later they disappeared.

"If the Doctor hadn't of been able to stop the bleeding they would have died." She said softly.

"Yes they would, and it would have been your fault." Q said.

"I know." She admitted. "I remember now how frail she looked when dad brought her home a few days later. He was still angry with me, I knew it, but his attention was focused on taking care of mother. He got over it when he was certain she and William were no longer in danger of dying.

"Even though I wasn't happy about the baby, I never wished harm to either of them. I was relieved when I found out they would recover, but it didn't change how I felt, only the manor in which I expressed it. After that day I didn't voice my objections, but they knew how I felt."

"They did at that." He agreed. It was time to move on again. Snapping his fingers, they appeared in the nursery on Voyager.

Sitting in the corner by herself, a nine year old Anna sat in the corner watching the other children play. She had given up playing with toys four years ago, the thrill having disappeared. Now her interests were into other things; math, science, history. Understanding the subjects with ease whereas most adults would still be struggling with the basics. At the moment she was studying temporal mechanics.

Hearing a familiar laugh, she looked up from her data padd to see her brother William. He was playing with a large bright orange inflated ball that Ensign Lillian Ketsia had rolled toward him. Watching him, she could feel the anger and resentment rising to the surface. At home, he would approach her dragging his small red wagon filled with toys wanting her to play with him, and every time she told him to go away. He would cry, not understanding why she hated him when he loved her dearly.

The ship rocked from a blast, knocking a already unsteady William off his feet. Falling on his face, he started to cry just before their father's voice erupted over the internal com. "This is the Commander to all hands, battle stations."

Seeing her brother being picked up off the floor by Ensign Ketsia, she noticed he had busted his lip, making her smile in satisfaction. Little mister perfect got what he deserved. If he hadn't of entered the picture she'd still have mom and dad to herself.

Two more blasts rocked the ship before it ceased. Whatever had just happened was over. Several minutes later Kathryn entered the room. Seeing William in Ensign Ketsia's arms she approached. When William saw her he reached out for her. Taking him, she noticed his busted lip. "What happened?"

"When we were hit the first time, he fell forward and busted his lip before I could reach him." The young woman explained. "I was just about to take him to sickbay when you arrived."

She nodded. "Where's Anna?"

"Sitting in the corner reading."

"Has she been there all day?"

"Yes ma'am. I tried to get her to participate in the games this morning but she refused."

"Thank you Ensign."

"You're welcome Captain." She replied before Kathryn walked toward her daughter.

Looking down a the padd, she pretended not to see them. "What are you reading?"

"Arrington's theories on advanced temporal mechanics."

She nodded looking impressed. "Not exactly what I'd call light reading." Anna didn't reply. "Are you ready to go home?"

Without a word she began gathering her things and putting them back into the bag. When she stood up, Kathryn reached down to stroke her hair. Anna pulled back and put the strap of the bag across her shoulder. "I'm ready to go." She said avoiding eye contact.

She wanted to touch her, but every time she tried to show her any affection she'd pull away, it made her heart ache. "All right." She replied trying not to let Anna hear how saddened she was by her behavior and followed her out.

"Why did you pull away?" Q asked.

"Because I was angry. She went to William first, just as she always did."

"Did you ever stop to think why she did?"

"Yes, she loved him more."

"You don't honestly believe that." He replied knowingly.

She conceeded. "All right, it was because I hid in the corner reading while he played in full view with the other children. When mother would come to pick us up after her shift he was the closest to the door and she saw him first."

"You see, that wasn't so hard." He said before snapping his fingers, and they appeared inside the second delta flyer, the first having been destroyed by the Borg.

Kathryn Janeway sat at the helm while a thirteen year old Anna manned ops. The console beeped.

"Report."

"Sensors have detected a class six neutrino wave baring 823 mark 74 starboard. It will reach us in twenty-eight seconds."

With it being that close she couldn't out run it. "I'm bringing the multi-phasic shields online and dropping a subspace anchor." It wouldn't prevent them from sustaining damage but it would certainly be enough to keep them from being destroyed. Turning the nose of the flyer toward the wave would prevent their engines from taking the brunt of the damage. "Brace for impact." She said. This was only supposed to be a short scientific expedition so she and Anna could spend some time alone together, now they were in danger.

Anna looked up to see her mother gripping the console as the storm hit. It exploded and sent her flying out of the chair unconscious. "Mom!" She shouted before leaping out of the chair. Using her body as a shield in order to prevent her from being injured further. Sparks showered across her back as one of the support beams fell, crushing the bones in her left hand. When the wave passed, she used her feet to push the beam off her hand. Looking back at her mother, she did her best to ignore the pain while she checked for a pulse. She was alive.

Breathing a sigh of relief, she pushed herself up and stumbled toward the aft to retrieve a med kit. Obtaining it, she made her way back to her side and opened it. Pulling out the medical tricorder, she began scanning in order to determine how bad she was hurt and the readings weren't good. Despite the second to third degree burns on her face and neck, there was internal bleeding including two broken ribs, one of which had punctured her right lung.

Smoke was filling the cabin, making her eyes water as well as cough. Closing the tricorder she stood up and made her way to ops. Rerouting all commands to her console, she purged the smoke before sending a distress call. "This is the delta flyer to Voyager. We have sustained damage to our per pulsion system as well as our navigational sensors. Last known coordinates are 823 mark 74 mark 296. We require immediate assistance." Before moving back to her mother she instructed the computer to play the distress call continuously on all subspace bands.

Picking up a hypospray from the med kit, she loaded it with a mild pain reliever and placed it to her neck, taking the edge off the pain. Bending down, she linked her arms under Kathryn's. Slowly she began dragging her toward the aft, keeping her as flat as possible. There was medical equipment including an emergency bio bed.

It seemed like hours had passed before they reached the aft section. Once there she faced another problem; getting her onto the bed. If she had a grav bed the job would have been easy but of course there wasn't one. Bending over again, she dragged her unconscious form next to it before activating the bed. Once it slid out she squatted down and put one arm under her legs and the other under her back.

Groaning from the strain of lifting her more than the pain, she barely managed to lay her on the bed before her arms lost the strength to hold her up. Activating the beds med sensors, the rib that originally punctured her lung did so a second time as a result of lifting her onto the bed, causing the lung to collapse. Time was growing short. If the damage wasn't repaired soon she would die. The thought of losing her was not only devastating but unacceptable. Despite every effort she made to force herself to stop loving her, she did with all her heart.

She wasn't a doctor, but she had spent the last few years studying medicine - along with a variety of other subjects - that she felt she could perform the surgery. Besides, if she didn't at least try her mother would drown in her old blood.

Retrieving the subdermal regenerator, she sealed the punctures before attempting to re-inflate her lung. Calibrating the respirator to one PSI, she would have to inflate the lung slowly before eventually reaching her goal of thirteen. She watched the monitor as the lung began to inflate, making sure her vital signs continued to remain steady.

When the lung had inflated, she held her breath as she keyed in the series of commands that would send an electrical pulse to force her lung to work on it's own. Tapping in the final sequence the lung expelled the air before filling itself again. "It worked." She said aloud before letting out a sigh of relief.

Stopping the internal bleeding was easy enough, but setting her broken ribs proved to be more of a challenge than she had originally anticipated. In time they were set and the flexible bones healed. Her side would be sore for a few days but she'd live.

"I came close to losing her that day." Anna said softly, staring at her younger self. "At that moment I realized how much I loved her."

"What is it your people say? You don't know what you have until it's gone?" Q asked.

"Something like that." She answered.

"But despite the fact you almost lost her, the fear of losing her began to fade as the day's passed. Eventually you fell back to your old ways."

She turned to face him. "What is it you expect me to do about it?" She asked frustrated. "What's done is done, I can't go back in time and change what happened even if I wanted to."

"For a moment I honestly thought you finally understood the reason for this, but I was mistaken. Apparently you still have a way's to go." He said. "Perhaps this will open your eyes." Snapping his fingers she appeared in her mother's bedroom, but this time she wasn't an observer. Looking though her mother's eyes, she felt and saw everything she did. Standing next to the bed she saw someone approach out of the corner of her eye. Turning her head, a hand ascended rapidly toward her face and backhanded her across the cheek. She stumbled back from the force of the blow.

A hand gripped her right arm before slinging her against the wall making her hit her head. Disoriented, she looked up to see Randy Foster. She recognized him as the man who raped her mother on the data chip. Terror ripped though her as she realized she was about to experience what her mother had gone though twenty years ago.

Ripping her jacket open, he grabbed her breasts and squeezed before kissing her hard. Biting his lip he pulled back as a hand reached up to touch his mouth. Finding blood, he backhanded her again. She stumbled to the side holding her cheek. Grabbing her arm he slung her onto the bed. Leaning over her she punched him in the eye, only to receive the same in response.

Her head snapped to the side as he ripped open her shirt, once again taking her breasts in his hands as he straddled her. She could feel his erection pressing against her crotch while he kneaded her breasts like two lumps of clay rather than two mounds of flesh. The pain was excruciating, making her cry out.

"Please stop Q, don't do this." She thought but received no reply.

Flipping her over, he began unbuckling his pants. Struggling, she stopped when he mashed her face against the mattress, making it impossible to breathe. Then she felt her own pants being jerked roughly from her body. She started pushing herself up but ceased when he gripped her by the hair and pulled her head back as far as it would go. Hot breath puffed into her right ear. "I'm almost beginning to think you don't want me here Captain." Then she screamed as the pain of him forcing himself inside her sent burning waves of agony throughout her body.

"No please." She thought feeling the pain her mother had experienced.

Pushing her face back into the mattress he began thrusting into her as she continued to scream herself hoarse. He was breathing raggedly against her ear, working himself toward release. After several minutes he let out a loud groan as he came inside her. His thrusts became erratic as his orgasm reached it's peak. When it faded he kissed the back of her neck and asked. "Was it good for you?" Squeezing her eyes shut, fresh tears soaked the mattress as he pulled out of her before climbing off.

Opening her eyes, she noticed she was laying face down on the bed in her quarters. Pulling herself up to her pillow, she buried her face into it crying. Q watched from the chair next to her bed, waiting until she had calmed down enough to speak. "Perhaps now you understand a fraction of what I was trying to teach you."

Looking over to him with puffy swollen eyes she asked. "How could you do that to me?"

"I didn't want to do it, but you left me no choice. If you had just tried to comprehend how selfish and hurtful you were to your parents, to Wil, I wouldn't have put you though that. I'm sure the words you spoke to your mother twenty years ago regarding her rape seem pretty heartless doesn't it?"

Remembering what she said caused her to release another wave of tears. "I'm sorry about what happened to you, but that was almost twenty years ago. It's time you got over it." Those words keep repeating themselves in her head. They felt like daggers in her heart, and she could only imagine how her mother felt when she heard them, at this moment she finally began to understand what Q had been trying to teach her.

She was selfish and everyone knew it but her. All these years she's been consumed by what she wanted, what she felt she deserved. Now she laid upon the bed feeling just as vulnerable and violated as her mother felt. "I'm so sorry mom. How could I have been so heartless to say those words to you? How could you continue to love me after the hell I put you though? Neither you or dad deserved that." She thought. "Both of you gave me so much but I was too blind to see it. God how I wish I had the power to take back all the hurtful things I've said and done to you. I don't deserve to be your daughter."

Standing, Q felt she had finally understood what he was trying to point out. Now he could help her. She still had some unfinished business here, and once she had taken care of it he would take back the gift he had bestowed upon her birth. Snapping his fingers he vanished, leaving her alone to grieve.

§12§

Appearing on the public transport pad in Indiana, Anna stepped down. Heading out of the building, she decided to walk the three miles to her parents home rather than rent a hover car. Besides, it gave her time to think.

"I'm sure Wil has already told them I wasn't coming; so would they accept me now? God only knows what they must be thinking about me, and whatever it is I deserve it. They probably hate me and I couldn't blame them, I hate myself more. How could they put up with everything I'd put them through? If I were them I would have booted me off the ship long before we reached the alpha quadrant."

She continued to prepare herself for their reaction, right up the moment she stood outside their house. Staring at it, there was a part of her that wanted to run, but the other part was telling her she needed to go through with it, she owed them that much. Taking that first step was one of the hardest things she's ever done. Her legs felt as if they were loaded down with uranium, and seemed to get heavier with every step. Her body went numb, fear has a way of doing that.

It seemed like an eternity before she reached the door. Lifting a shaky hand, she forced herself to ring the chime. Waiting, she felt like running away but her legs wouldn't cooperate. It was for the best anyway, she had to do this. Several moments later the door opened, revealing a much older Kathryn Janeway. "Can I help-" She started to ask but cut herself short after realizing who was standing in front of her. "Anna?" She questioned, needing to be sure.

"Yes, it's me."

"Wil said you weren't coming."

"I know."

"What changed your mind?"

"It was a legimiate question." She thought. "A friend who forced me to realize how selfish I was."

"I see."

"I can understand you both probably hate me, but I wanted to come here and apologize for everything I've put you though. I know a simple apology can't make up for what I've done, and if I could go back and change it I would, especially the last words I said to you before I left. I understand now that a person can't get over what you went through, they can only survive it.

"Those words have been running though my head over the last four days, and the more I think about then the more I hate myself for saying them. I don't expect you to forgive me, in fact, I expect you to tell me to go to hell. Now that I've said what I had to say I'll leave you alone." Turning, she began walking away.

"That's it? You're just going to walk away before hearing what I have to say?" Kathryn asked. Slowly she turned back to her, knowing she deserved every word she would probably say, she'd said it to herself enough times to have a pretty good idea of what it was. "I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't hurt by what you've said over the years, but you're my daughter and I love you, we both do. You can't carry a child in your womb for nine months and not fall in love with it.

"If we hated you so much we wouldn't have had Wil ask you to come home, and we certainly wouldn't have kept extending the invitation year after year. We've always wanted you in our lives, and the one thing that's hurt us the most was never knowing where you were or what you were doing. Were you alive? Were you safe? Twenty years is a long time, and now that you're here we have no intention of letting you walk away again."

She could hardly believe her ears. All this time she had been waiting for her to say how much she hated her before slamming the door in her face. "Do you really mean that?" She asked stunned, tears standing in her eyes, poised on the brink of falling.

Tears were in Kathryn's eyes as well. "Have you not been listening?"

"No ma'am. I heard every word."

"Good, then I won't have to repeat myself. Now give me a hug, or do I have to make it an order?" She added lightly, holding her arms out to her. Taking two steps she practically fell into her arms crying. "Welcome home Anna." Tightening her grip, they held each other for what seemed like hours, hugging and crying until the tears began to slow. Pulling back Kathryn asked. "Would you like to see your dad?" She nodded.

With an arm wrapped the others waist they stepped inside. Letting go when they reached the bedroom, Anna had to suppress a gasp. Seeing her father laying on the bed, he looked so frail, she couldn't imagine him this way if she hadn't seen him. She always used to believe he was the strongest man alive, and remembered how he lifted her up onto his shoulders. That man was gone.

"I'm going to go into the kitchen and get his dinner ready so it will give the two of you a chance to get reacquainted." Kathryn said giving her hand a gentle squeeze before leaving them alone.

Quietly, she stepped up and took a seat in the chair next to his bed. Reaching out, she gently laid her hand on the hand resting on his stomach. Feeling her touch he opened his eyes and thought he was still dreaming. "Anna?"

She smiled. "Yes dad, it's me."

"Wil said you weren't coming."

"I know, but that was before I realized how much of a bitch I was."

He laughed softly and lifted his tired arms to embrace her in a hug, which she returned happily. The tears once again welled up in her eyes. "I love you daddy." She said softly, trying to keep her voice from cracking.

"I love you too sweetheart, always have." He replied, tears filling his own weary ones. "I thought I would never have the chance to see you again before I die."

"Don't say that." She said clearly upset by the thought. "You can't die. You're supposed to live forever. Besides, there's so much I want to say to you. We have twenty years of catching up to do."

"I'm sorry Anna." He replied holding her. "It's not up to me."

"I'm sorry too, for a great many things."

"So am I, but at least you're here now, that's all that matters."

Speaking softly against his ear she said. "I've wasted so much time being selfish, both of you deserved more than that. I want to thank you for not giving up on me. You and mom are the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm lucky to have you as my parents, I realize that now. I love you daddy." It took a couple of seconds for it to dawn on her that he wasn't holding her any longer. Pulling back she noticed his eyes were wide open. "Daddy?" Lifting a shaky hand she felt his neck for a pulse, finding none. He was gone.

Pulling him back into her arms she held his lifeless body as she cried, rocking him back and forth. It wasn't until she heard the tray her mother was carrying crash to the ground that she realized she was in the room. "No Chakotay." Kathryn cried, her legs trying to go out from under her as she stumbled grief stricken toward him.

Anna released him when she approached and stood up as her mother fell across him, clutching his shirt as she cried into his chest. "I can't go on without you. You have my heart, my soul. Without you I have no life. I love you . . ." Her words trailed off as the sounds of grief took over.

Gently Anna placed her hand on her mothers back and sat down beside her. She knew how passionate they were, and if any two people belonged together it was them. Their souls were intertwined though life and would continue beyond death. They shared a love few have ever had the privilege to experience. They felt each others pain, joy, sorrow, anger, love. It was such a profoundly deep connection that no words could describe it accurately.

"I know how much you loved him, still love him. He was the greatest man I've ever known, and to say that you will miss him would be an understatement. I wish I could bring him back to you, to us."

Kathryn sat up, staring into Chakotay's pale and lifeless face as the tears continued to flood her eyes. "I know. So do I." Reaching up, she closed his eyes before leaning down to kiss his lips one last time. She had always remembered how his kiss felt, it had been imprinted upon her lips, her memory. Whenever they were separated all she had to do was close her eyes and she could feel his kiss on her lips. It had always been that memorable.

Watching her mother kiss her father goodbye was the most heartbreaking thing she had ever witnessed. Even the rape of her mother couldn't compare to this moment. Then just as Kathryn sat up, a white light blinded her vision, making both of them close their eyes to block it out.

Sitting behind the desk in her ready room, Anna stared at the desktop monitor studying the data they had collected on a class J nebula two days earlier. It was filled with several types of gases her ship always seemed to be in shortage of, but the problem was harvesting them without contaminating any of the other gases.

Without looking away from the monitor she picked up her cup of tea and took a sip as the door chime sounded. "Enter."

Commander John Irving stepped inside. He smiled upon seeing her focused on the monitor in front of her. "Still at it I see. I thought you were going to take a break?"

"I was." She replied without looking up. "But I had an inspiration last night and I wanted to check it against the probes readings to see if it would work."

"And?"

She looked up at him and sighed. "It won't."

Moving up to the desk he replied. "Then perhaps it's time to put it aside for a few hours, maybe join me for dinner?"

She smiled and leaned back in her chair. "Perhaps, what do you plan on having?"

"How does a nice t-bone steak, baked potato and tossed salad sound?"

"Like you're reading my mind. What's for dessert?"

"I'm inclined to leave that up to you."

Giving him a lop-sided grin she turned off the monitor and stood up. Moving around the desk she walked up to him and put her arms around his neck. "I have a couple of ideas."

"I bet you do." He replied wrapping his arms around her waist then kissed her.

Pulling him closer she deepened the kiss before pulling back to ask. "Is Victoria still in the nursery?"

"No she's with Jack and Angela. They're going to watch her for a few hours."

"Oh they are are they?" She replied suggestively.

"Why Captain." He began, pretending to sound shocked by her tone. "I'm a married man. What would my wife say?"

"Hmm, I think I know her pretty well, and I don't think she'd mind. Now her five year old daughter on the other hand may have something to say about it, and thankfully this one," She said patting her stomach. "Won't have an opinion for another seven months."

"Thank god for that." He replied leaning back in to kiss her.

"Thank god." She agreed just before their lips met once again, and her whole body felt like it was on fire.

This time it was John that pulled back. "If we're going to eat at all tonight we'd better get out of here before I'm tempted to lock the door and take you right here."

"Well in that case get your hands off me." She replied with a laugh, pushing him away playfully. "If it's a choice right now between food or sex the food is going to win. Especially now that I'm eating for two."

"Well in that case Mrs. Irving, shall we go?" He said offering her his arm. Laughing she took it as they headed out the door.

Q smiled as he watched them leave. Seeing Anna this way was like looking at a completely different person, and in reality he was. Since the Q continuum exists outside normal space time, he along with the other Q were the only ones aware of how her life had originally turned out, and she wasn't the only one who changed. Her bother William did not join starfleet and become a physiologist. Instead he became a paleontologist, traveling all over the alpha quadrant, to the edge of known space and beyond. He's unmarried and has no plans to settle down anytime soon.

Kathryn remained in Starfleet until her granddaughter was born five years ago. Chakotay teaches paleontology at Starfleet Academy part time, they live in Indiana in the house she grew up in. They're still very much in love. Time hasn't changed that. In fact, time has deepened and strengthened their love over the years. He had to admit that their lives had turned out a lot better this time around.

Not only had Anna learned from her mistakes in the other time line, but he had as well. That was the important thing wasn't it? What's the point of existence if you don't change and grow? That was a lesson Q had often learned the hard way, and this time he felt he may have finally understood it.

The End

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