Disclaimer
The characters and the universe belong to Paramount Sudious. I am making no profit from this story.
A Prayer For The Dying Heather Henley
I know what you're probably wondering. Why would I choose the old fashioned method of pen and paper as opposed to using the more modern forms at my disposal? Well I'll tell you. For ten years that was the only option I was given, and now that I'm no longer in prison it's just become habit. In a way, actually writing my thoughts, using my hand instead of my voice, feels very real to me. Speaking the words aloud makes me feel detached, as if I were reciting lines from a play instead of the events of my life.
All this technology has a way of making people feel separated. That we're merely spectators to our own existence. But enough about my preferences, it's time I finally got around to the reason for all this. My purpose for writing this stems from a woman I knew many years ago. If I had taken other roads, made different choices, I would never had met her.
Seventeen years ago we met, and before you start thinking this is a stroll down memory lane it's not. At least not all of it. If I close my eyes I can picture her vividly in my mind. I don't do that too often, it just keeps the wound open. I try not to think about the last time I saw her, laying in that hospital bed. She looked like she didn't belong there. That she could get up and walk out any time she wanted. On how I wished it were true.
I remember getting the call from Neelix, asking me if I would come to San Fransico right away. I told him I would, but you know something? I didn't. Instead I waited four days before going there. I didn't put it off because I was afraid of what I might find when I arrived, or that it might be too painful. I did it because I couldn't accept it. My brain just couldn't wrap itself around the concept that she was dying.
I kept thinking it was somebody's idea of a sick joke. Then on the fourth day I was laying in bed and it suddenly hit me. My brain, at that unfathomable moment, decided to accept it. When that happened I began to weep. It was the first tears I had shed since hearing the news. It felt like hours had passed before they would cease, making me wonder if my grief had a mind of it's own.
When morning rolled around, I headed for the nearest public transport site and beamed to San Fransico. Once I stepped of the transporter pad I felt this unexplainable urge to step back on. My mind started speaking, telling me that this was my last chance to go home but I couldn't. Despite the fact that we hadn't seen each other in ten years, she was and I suppose always will be my best friend.
I took my time getting to the hospital, just putting off the inevitable. When I finally arrived, Tom, Neelix, Seven, and Harry were the first people I saw. And of course Neelix would be the first to notice my presence. When he approached we shook hands. Tom and Harry stood up to greet me as well. Seeing Tom made me think of B'Elanna. She's been dead for eleven years now. It still makes me angry that she was killed two months before we made it back to the alpha quadrant. After everything she had endured over the years, the chance to see Earth would be snatched away from her.
Once we had said our hello's, Neelix took me to Kathryn's room. I stood frozen before the door, not wanting to go any farther. Neelix touched my shoulder sympathetically. He knew how hard this was for me. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward and the door opened.
The first thing I saw was Kathryn laying in bed, a book in her lap. Moving closer, it was apparent she was asleep. So I decided to sit in the chair next to her bed until she woke up. Besides it gave me time to think. Then I realized that this was the first time I had seen her asleep. She looked so peaceful laying there. It was hard to imagine that she was dying.
Several hours passed and I drifted off to sleep without realizing it. One moment I had closed my eyes, the next I was being awakened by the sound of Kathryn's voice. Looking at her, she was just as beautiful to me then as she was ten years ago. At first neither of us spoke, choosing to enjoy each other's company. Eventually we would need to talk. Finally I asked her what she was dying from because Neelix hadn't told me. The smile faded, and her face took on a pained expression. At that moment I wished I could have taken the question back.
She then answered my question with a question. Did I remember the disease that caused us to live on New Earth? How could I forget? It was the place I first fell in love with her. That was when she began to explain what was wrong with her. Two months ago, she was given orders to take Voyager into the gamma quadrant. She was to escort an ambassador to discuss membership with a species that had just began using warp technology. When she arrived, she and the ambassador transported to the surface along with Tuvok and two security officers.
At the time, she had no idea there was something in the atmosphere that was reversing the cure we received fifteen years ago. How could she have known until it was too late? While she was relating her story to me, all I could was stare. My mind had tried to block out what she was saying, but I could still hear her. Once the last word was spoken, the silence returned. I didn't know what to say and neither did she. Eventually I worked up the courage to say some of the things I've always wanted to tell her. First I admitted my love for her. The passing of time had not changed that. I remember it was then that she placed her hand over mine and said that she already knew. I asked her if there could ever be a chance between us if a cure were discovered. She smiled sadly before informing me that she was already married, and had a seven-year-old son.
I could feel my heart breaking, and by the look of regret on her face, she knew it as well. As an afterthought, she added that if she weren't she would have accepted my offer. It was then that I asked who her husband was. Mark Johnson. The same Mark she had been engaged to when we were stranded in the delta quadrant. She explained that his previous marriage didn't work out, and when he found out she had made it back he went to see her. At first she decided they would remain friends, but as time went on, the love she once had for him resurfaced. A year and a half later they were married. I couldn't blame her for marrying him. It wasn't as if we were involved, and even if we were I was sentenced to ten years of prison. At her age, how could I have expected her to wait for me? It all made sense, but it didn't stop the pain in my heart.
We continued to talk for the next hour, reminiscing about the past until we were interrupted by the sound of the door swishing open. I looked up to see a man along with a young boy who I knew right away was her son. I would have known even if the child hadn't of ran to the bed to be in his mothers inviting arms. I also recognized the man to be Mark. I remembered seeing a picture of him, Kathryn, and her dog on the small table next to the sofa in her ready room.
After her son released her from the hug she introduced me. Mark smiled and extended his hand, I took it. He told me that Kathryn had mentioned, not only me, but other Voyager crew over the years he felt like he already knew us. I didn't know much about him, and at that point I wasn't sure if I wanted to do. It wasn't as if I disliked him, I didn't even know the man, but he was married to the one woman I truly loved. Jealously would be a more accurate description of my feelings.
I wanted out of there, to put as much distance between us a possible. For all intents and purposes I was no longer a part of her life, nor would I ever be again. Saying my goodbye's I headed for the door, but the sound of Kathryn's voice stopped me. She said that she didn't want me to go yet, that she wanted me to stay and visit with her a little longer. Mark had even asked me to stay as well but I respectively declined. To this day I can remember the sadness in her eyes.
I've regretted a lot of things over the years, and leaving her that day is on the top of my list. The woman was dying. The least I could do was honor her request but I couldn't, and I'll continue to regret it for the rest of my life. I told her that she should spend some time with her family, and there would be other chances for us to speak again. She seemed to accept it, but I could tell she was hurt by my decision.
When I left the room, I continued to head down the corridor despite Neelix's, Tom's, or Harry's attempt to stop me with questions. As I exited the hospital and made my way back to the public transport site. I said a prayer for her in the hopes that she be cured of the illness. That she would live to see her son grow up to have children of his own someday.
When I got home, I packed the few possession I had and left my small apartment in New Mexico to move to Arizona. I needed to disappear, to go to a place where no one could find me. All I wanted was to put Voyager and the people on it far behind me. As far as I was concerned that chapter of my life was over. Two months after our last conversation, I come across a news paper article announcing Kathryn's death. That was the second time I shed tears over her. I'm sure Neelix had tried to contact me, to inform me of her passing. I'm also sure he had tried to find me before her death.
I didn't go to her funeral, and that's another one of my regrets. I couldn't bare to see her dead, I wanted to remember her the way she was. So I stayed home and continued on with my life. It's been a year now, in fact, one year to the day. That's why I've taken the time to write this down, to remember the day our paths crossed for the last time. I don't know if reincarnation exists, if we are reborn into the world with a new purpose. If so, I hope that if our paths cross again we'll get it right. For now, all I can do is hope we get that chance.
Chakotay
October 3, 2389
The End
Back To Fan Fiction Page
Back To Main Page
Read Comments and Reviews for "A Prayer for the Dying"
