Michael: (waves to people as he walks up to the front of the stage)
Carson: MR. WISONSIN!
Kevin: WHOOO! (cheers as he runs up to the front)
Carson: MR. NEW YORK!
Joey: Yesss! (runs up to front of stage with Mr. Wisconsin)
Carson: MR. UTAH!
Noah: (smiles and walks up to front of stage)
Mrs. B: GO NOAH!
Carson: And the last contestant who is moving on to the next round is…
Justin: (to JC) Man, u know ish gonna be me. (wipes off dust from baby blue tux)
JC: (sniffs weed) I think I can, I think I can…
Evan: I must beat QT, I must beat QT…
Chris: Dayum man, I gotta go piss.
Carson: MR. MISSISSIPPI! (all the contestants’ jaws drop open as Lancth in a pink-laced gown walks slowly to the front of stage trying not to cry, waving to the audience)
Lance: I am just *sniff* so happy! (dries tears with a hanky)
Joey: (walks over to Lancth) Don’t need to cry, my dear. It’s okay.
Lance: (looks at Joey) Get the hell away from me. The judges can’t see my extravagant beauty with your distracting red hair in my way.
Joey: *sniff* Okay. (walks back)
Carson: Congratulations to the five of you men (looks at Lancth) Um…yeah. To the rest of the contestants in the back, y’all win a free trip back home. Thank you. The next round is all about saying the right stuff. The judges will judge you on how good you answer the questions. Contestants, as I call your name in random order please move to the center of the stage. Mr. Canada!
Michael: (walks up to center stage)
Carson: Mr. Canada, there has been this big controversy over Napster. Do you think it is wrong for them to share the music of other artists?
Michael: (thinks) No. Thank you. (smiles and walks away)
Carson: Umm…thank you, Mr. Canada. MR. NEW YORK!
Joey: (runs up to center stage) Give it to me, Carson! I’m ready!
Carson: (ignores Joey) Mr. New York, Britney Spears set a public example of child porn to little girls and now, Christina Aguilera did the same thing on the RollingStone magazine as well. Do you think that it is wrong?
Joey: No, I don’t think that it is wrong Carson, because ya gotta admit those are two foxy ladies. ROWR.
Carson: Um, thank you Mr. New York. Mr. Utah!
Noah: (goes to center)
Mrs. B: GO NOAH!
Carson: Mr. Utah, what do you think about boybands and how other people treat them?
Noah: Well Carson, I think that boybands are just like any other respected artists. They’re no different except they might have more pop in their music. I’m not saying that boybands are only about pop, but I think they should get the respect they deserve because they are just as hardworking as other artists.
Carson: (surprised) Thank you, Mr. Utah! (muttering) That’s the best answer we had all day...err-—Mr. Mississippi!
Lance: (nervously goes up to center stage) Hi Carson…
Carson: Eh-em…Mr. Mississippi; there has been a big line between gay and straight people. Do you think it should stay that way or should the world respect their opinions in life?
Lance: Oh my! They should definitely respect their opinions in life because they can’t help but to feel it inside them that it might just be who they really are! Some gay people are confused at first, but then they will soon figure out that that is their destiny! And…
Carson: (cutting Lancth off) THANK YOU, MR. MISSISSIPPI. You may go. Mr. Wisconsin!
Kevin: (goes up to center)
Carson: Mr. Wisconsin, what do you think is the biggest problem with the world today?
Kevin: Well, you know when teens…they’re…they’re in trouble and they try to make something up…lying! Teen lying! (smiles)
Carson: Fantastic. Just fantastic. A big round of applause for Mr. Wisconsin. And now let’s bring all of our contestants back onstage! (all the contestants march back on stage with the same music used in the Mr. Teen NY pageant in 2gether)
(all the contestants are back onstage)
Carson: The judges judged the 5 remaining contestants based on how good they answered the question and now it is time to reveal who will move on to the next round. Contestants, if you hear your name, please move to the front of the stage. (Tyrese gives Carson a white envelope) And the 3 winners are…
Lance: Oh my, oh my, oh my! I just can’t bare to watch!
Carson: Mr. Mississippi!
Lance: (chokes) Agh! I’m chosen! Oh my goodness, I must go! (runs to front of stage)
Carson: Mr. Utah!
Noah: (walks over next to Lancth)
Mrs. B: GO NOAH!
Carson: And the last contestant is…
Joey: (kisses lucky Superman ring)
Carson: Mr. New York!
Joey: (does the “Lucky Charms” dance and runs to the center stage next to Noah)
Carson: One of these three would soon win the crown of the former Mr. Teen USA, Mr. Utica! We’ll find out who when we come back!
Josh Hartnett: And were back! I’m Josh and I’m a VIP. I’m here backstage with the ex-contestants. I’m here with Mr. Tennessee and Mr. Maryland.
Justin: Yo.
JC: *sniffs crack*
Josh Hartnett: So, how do you feel now that you lost?
Justin: It sucks, man. I thought I’d win, yo. I can’t believe Lance is still up there, the gay bastard. But ish all good ‘cause you be lookin’ at the hottest male under 25, baybee! (does westside sign to camera)
JC: I think I should be up there this minute. I shoulda won, dammit! All my hard work goes down the drain once again! Dammit! It’s never me! Well, at least this time it ain’t Justin! AHAHA! Justin lost over Lance!
Justin: Shut yo hole foo’. You lost over him too.
JC: Damn.
Josh Hartnett: Well, sucks for you. Who do you want to win? I heard that Mr. Utah, Mr. Mississippi and Mr. New York is still in the game.
Justin: Joey be up there too? Dayum! Joey and Lance is still dare while me an’ JC’s down here? I swear man, the world is coming to an end. Any crap, I wanna say wazzup to mah homechick Bit bit, who’s still up dare wit da judges. She be my bitch, aiite? Yea.
JC: I want Mr. Utah to win ‘cause if he does, I won’t get looked down upon my fans when I’m next to Joey or Lance.
Josh Hartnett: Good answer, JC.
Justin: Wait a sec, how’d u get hea backstage, foo’?
Josh Hartnett: I’m a VIP with a backstage pass. I’m with the camera crew.
Justin: Oh, aiite.
Josh Hartnett: Yeah. So back to you Carson!
Carson: Thanks, Josh. I’m here with Mr. Mississippi, Mr. Utah and Mr. New York. This is the last round of the pageant and here’s how it goes: the judges picked one last question for all the contestants to answer. They will all have the same question. Whoever answers it the best wins the crown. Contestants, are you ready? (quiet) Okay! First up is Mr. New York!
Joey: (goes to center stage while Lance and Noah listens to some music in the back) Whut be up, Carse?
Carson: Mr. New York…
Joey: That’s me.
Carson: Mr. New York, why do you think you should be Mr. Teen USA?
Joey: Well Carson, that’s very easy to answer. Uh…uh…erm…Can I talk to Johnny for a while? No wait…I got it. I think I should win ‘cause I can mingle with Miss Teen USA and get my mojo on. I can teach the younger kids sex ed and I know how to keep an orange on top of my tummy for as long as an hour! I only watch one channel when it comes to TV even though there are too many channels to choose from. I can also set a good example to children by reading a lot of interesting magazines. I’m extra careful with animals such as guinea pigs and hamsters. I’m also a good breeder.
Carson: Um, thank you Mr. New York.
Joey: It was a pleasure, Carse.
Carson: Joe, don’t call me that.
Joey: Oh, sorry Carse.
Carson: *sigh* Mr. Utah, please step up to the center stage.
Noah: (steps to center stage)
Mrs. B: GO NOAH!
Carson: Mr. Utah, why do you think you should be Mr. Teen USA?
Noah: I think I should be Mr. Teen USA because I can…
Backstage:
Michael: (listening to speakers) Hey, it’s Noah! (eating powdered doughnuts)
Kevin: Hey, you’re right! I hope he wins. He can hook me up with Miss Teen USA!
Michael: No he can’t.
Kevin: Darn it. Hey, can I have a doughnut? Please?
Michael: Sorry. Can’t. You told me two days ago that you are now on a strict diet and only veggies can go down your stomach till the end of next month.
Kevin: But I need doughnuts!
Michael: Sorry, Kev. But I’m doing this for the best.
Kevin: Fine, but who are you saving the last one for?
Michael: Joey.
Back on stage:
Carson: Thank you, Mr. Utah. That was a good answer. Mr. Mississippi, please come to the center stage.
Lance: (goes to center stage)
Carson: Mr. Mississippi, why do you think you should be Mr. Teen USA?
Lance: Oh my. I don’t mean to sound forward, but I think that I would be a really good person to look up to and because I am a good businessman with a sexy voice, I can make really good speeches, better than Justin and JC. I can also read little kids stories while I’m dressed up as an oversized dog. Plus, I wanna make my mama proud of her lil’ baby-poo. I want to be Mr. Teen USA because I’m from Mississippi.
Carson: Is that your final answer, Mr. Mississippi?
Lance: Yes. I want to be Mr. Teen USA because I’m from Mississippi.
Carson: The judges have already cast their vote. Have you? We’ll find out who wins the crown and be this year’s Mr. Teen USA when we get back!
Carson: We are back and it is now the time to choose who will be Mr. Teen USA. Anything can happen, people. This is a hard choice. All of them had really good answers. It’s all between Mr. New York, Mr. Utah, or Mr. Mississippi. Anyone can win the crown! The judges have cast their vote and here’s Mr. Utica, former Mr. Teen USA, giving me the envelope that holds the name to who will be the next Mr. Teen USA! First we’ll go to the 3rd runner up. (drums are rolling) And the 3rd runner-up is…MR. UTAH!
Mrs. B: GO NOAH!
The Sailor Meats: (showers Noah with flowers and a little crown) YAY for Noah!
Carson: And we’ll be right back af…
Turkey: Dammit Carson. Just screw the stupid commercials. We want to know who wins already.
Carson: Is that what y’all want? (crowd cheers) Okay then. Who cares about the sponsors anyway. (lights go off) JUST KIDDDING! Eh-heh…um okay…and we’re back to the Mr. Teen USA pageant sponsored by Nokia cel phones and Iomega disk drives. It’s either Mr. Mississippi or Mr. New York who will be holding the crown to be the next Mr. Teen USA. The judges are done judging and here’s former Mr. Teen USA giving me the envelope once again to who holds the place to be Mr. Teen USA. Drum roll please…(drum rolls) and the winner for the millennium’s Mr. Teen USA is…
Lance: (whispers, about to cry) I hope you win, Joey.
Joey: (whispers back) Me too…
Carson: MR. MISSISSIPPI!
Lance: AHHHHH! (pushes Joey away and cries) I WON! I ACTUALLY WON! ‘CAUSE I’M FROM MISSISSIPPI!
The Sailor Meats: (showers Lancth with roses and pink flower petals) YAY LANCTH!
Former Mr. Teen USA: (puts crown on top of Lancth’s head)
Beef: (gives Lancth the 2 dozen flowers) HORRAY FOR LANCTH.
Carson: (to Lancth) So, how does it feel to be the next Mr. Teen USA and what do you plan to do now?
Lance: (crying) It feels *sniff* great that I actually beat Justin and JC in something. Now I can demand my own solos so everyone in the world will hear my sexy voice ‘cause I’m from Mississippi.
Carson: And that’s it for the Mr. Teen USA pageant! Thanks for watching! Adios, sayonara, and buh bye!