Before you start reading this hella long humor story, I just wanna say that everything written here is all a joke. This is not a real transcript and if you're smart, it's pretty obvious to you that there is no such thing as a Mr. Teen USA contest (yet. heheh). So whatever I write about *cough* Carson Daly *cough* Britney Spears *cough* or anyone else, it's all in good humor, really. K, now i is out.
Announcer voice person: This is the First and a half-Annual Mr. Teen USA!
[camera goes towards the dark center stage and spotlight goes on Joey wearing red Superman undies and a red cape. All the male contestants dance and sing to “YMCA” in their colored undies]
Carson: (after the freaky musical intro) Hi, and welcome to the first and a half Annual Mr. Teen USA. I’m Carson Daly with former Mr. Teen USA, Mr. Utica here in Orlando, Florida. Are you comfortable with what you are wearing today?
Mr. Utica: Oh, of course! I love spandex. It’s the best kind of material these days.
Carson: Yeah, I love spandex thongs, don’t you? (Mr. Utica walks away) Eh-em, give around of applause to Mr. Utica, I mean, Former Mr. Teen USA! (audience claps) Let’s start by meeting our contestants. Here’s Mr. Tennessee!
Justin: Yo, yo, yo! (comes out of curtains doing the Westside symbol in his baby blue undies) Yeah, I be from mutha fking Tennesseee, yo! I be da shiet.
Carson: Justin, do you think you look hot in those baby blue thongs?
Justin: Yo, I be lookin’ fly no matter what I wear…or dun wear. Is just dat this damn spandex shit I is wearin’ be givin’ my ghetto ass some big ass wedgies, yo.
Carson: That’s…great. Did I mention that your baby blue underwear really compliments your eyes?
Justin: (getting away from Carson) YO, I AIN’T LIKE DAT FOO’! I know you have a thing foe me ‘cuz I is too fly, but dayum, get ‘cho self some women for cryin’ out loud. (walks away covering his ass from Carson)
Carson: (looks at Justin till he disappears from the stage) Bastard. Why does he have to look so good in spandex? Anyway, here’s Mr. New York!
Joey: (stomach bulging as he’s eating a Whopper as he comes out of curtains in purple undies) I can do more than just talk ‘cause I’m nasty, nasty. Let’s get freaky freaky, uh-uh-uh!! Oh, hello Carse.
Carson: You certainly look good in a thong, Joey. (looking at Joey’s fat)
Joey: I certainly do, and I bet the younger girls really do appreciate it. ROWR!
Carson: I’m sure they do. It’ll motivate them to get themselves stomach-rollers. What’s with the cape?
Joey: (motions for Carson to come closer) Don’t tell anyone this, but…I’m Superman. (farts)
Carson: (throws Joey to the other side of stage) Here’s Mr. Mississippi!
Lance: (comes out of curtain shyly wearing a pink thong) AHHH! Carson! The audience is screaming at me!
Carson: They think you’re hot for a Mississippi Albino. How come you’re not wearing spandex like the rest?
Lance: Well, the spandex was giving my Mississippi ass wrinkles so I had to go to Victoria’s Secret and buy myself my own thong. See, it even has a black lace!
Carson: Oh Lance, you’re just too sexy.
Lance: (offended) Hey! You’re just saying that ‘cause I’m from Mississippi, huh?
Carson: Uhh…pretty much, yeah.
Lance: (crying; mascara dripping) Oh, Carson! I thought you were different! Where’s my Avon compact?? Ugh! My mascara’s dripping! I knew I shouldn’t have bought Revlon! Cheap foundation… (walks away)
Carson: Umm…here’s Mr. Pennsylvania!
Chris: (comes out of curtains in silver undies picking a wedgie) Whut up, Carse?
Carson: Whut up? How’d u like your “thong”?
Chris: Yo, this sucks. Ey, how come you’re not wearing one? (goes over to camera man) Hey! This guy ain’t wearing a thong.
Carson: Oh, Lordy. You look different from the other contestants.
Chris: ‘Cuz I’m money.
Carson: Where’d you get your silver?
Chris: I actually stole some of Justin’s jewelry and melted it. I made it into these little stones that looks like Busta’s head.
Carson: I don’t see it.
Chris: You’d have to look closer. Here. (sticks butt in Carson’s face)
Carson: NO, get away. Did you wash your ass with soap and water lately?
Chris: Just water.
Carson: DAMMIT, CHRIS! GET YOUR OLD WRINKLY BUTT AWAY FROM ME. (watches Chris walk away picking wedgies) OKAY, here’s Mr. Maryland!
JC: (jumps up and down on the stage with orange undies) HI, CARSON!
Carson: Holy mother of Gawd, JC. PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.
JC: Sorry man, I’m just a lil’ hyper.
Carson: A LITTLE? So how do you feel now? Do you think you’ll win?
JC: I feel revitalized! I think that I will definitely win with the help of crac-uh-caffeine and some of my energy, I think I will be able to make it to the top.
Carson: Good answer, JC. Good answer. Now get the hell away from me.
JC: I’m sorry man, but I’m just too hyper! I don’t know why! Oh, um, bye. (jumps up and down till he gets to the other side of the stage)
Carson: (pissed) Seriously, What the he-I mean, *breathes deep* Here’s Mr. Canada!
Judge#1 (Tyrese): Psst!
Carson: WHAT?
Tyrese: Canada’s not part of the USA!
Carson: SO?
Tyrese: HELLO! This is a Mr. Teen USA contest!
Carson: Well, uh…Canada’s attached to USA, right?
Tyrese: Well, uh…right.
Carson: THERE YOU GO! Anyway, we’re really desperate for contestants here so…uh, without further ado, here’s MR. CANADA!
Michael: (comes out of curtain with a t-shirt and Hawaii shorts waving to the audience)
Carson: Michael…what’s with your outfit? Where’s your thong, man?
Michael: Uhh…my thong? Um, I get really itchy in spandex…yeah, that’s it. Really itchy. And it makes me collapse everytime I get itchy. Not good for me at all. This is actually 100% cotton which is pretty much okay.
Carson: Michael.
Michael: Hmm?
Carson: Get your arse back there and get in your “thong”.
Michael: I swear, I’ll get really itchy. Fine, but when my butt starts to itch, I’ll need something to rub it on and you’re gonna be it cause you’re the only one nearest me. But if I don’t…
Carson: THANK YOU MR. CANADA! *Cough* You are free to go. (Michael walks away to other side) Mr. Ethiopia!
Evan: (walks out in blue undies) Hey Carson!
Carson: Yo. Why’d you decide to pick blue?
Evan: Well, blue has always been my favorite color. Even way back BEFORE QT was born.
Carson: Dude, it’s cool man, it was just a movie.
Evan: Oh…oh, yeah. Sorry, Carse. I kinda got carried away there.
Carson: It’s all good, man. I saw you in the Midol commercial.
Evan: Yeah, I know.
Carson: Can you supply JC some?
Evan: Sure. 10 extra boxes in the back.
Carson: You brought ‘em?
Evan: Lance insisted.
Carson: Oh, go figure. Maybe ‘cause he’s from Mississippi. Thank you Mr. Ethiopia! (Evan goes to other side) Hello, Mr. Utah! (comes out of curtains with yellow undies)
Noah: Say hello to my sweet thighs.
Carson: They’re great, Noah.
Noah: Didn’t think you’d notice…uh.
Carson: Hey Noah?
Noah: Yeah?
Carson: Can you act like Chad for awhile?
Noah: Sure. Want me to start all over?
Carson: That’ll be great.
Noah: (goes back to the curtain and back to Carson)
Carson: Why’d you pick yellow undies?
Noah: ‘Cause I liked the yellow sea-doo. And I plan to get one too, cause I plan to make a buttload of money with this.
Carson: You’re doing great, Noah.
Noah: Thanks.
Carson: Can you REALLY stick five dollars up your butt?
Noah: Can you?
Carson: Damn, I wanted to see you try. You’re supposed to be Chad, man! You’re supposed to say, ”Okay” and stick five bucks up your arse.
Noah: Why?
Carson: ‘Cause Chad’s dumb!
Noah: I ain’t Chad today.
Carson: But you just said…
Noah: I was Chad for like 2 seconds. You didn’t tell me when to stop.
Carson: Okay, yeah yeah, whatever. THANK YOU, MR. UTAH.(Noah walks away) Here’s Mr. California!
Alex: (wearing ghetto clothes) Yo.
Carson: Where’s your thong?
Alex: That gear sucks, man. It be in the trashcan.
Carson: But you’ll have to wear some sort of undies to participate in this event.
Alex: Damn. Uh, can I be the judge instead?
Carson: You’re dropping out??
Alex: C’mon man, who in their right minds would wear shit like dat anyways?
Carson: (thinks) You can be judge #4.
Alex: Hell yeah! Heh, I’ll let that one ghetto freak lose, man. (jumps over to judge corner)
Carson: Our last contestant is Mr. Wisconsin!
Kevin: (comes out of curtains in a red “thong”) YEAH!! WHOO!
Carson: Oh, Lordy! Sup Kevin?
Kevin: I’m feelin’ good Carson.
Carson: Great. Why’d you pick red?
Kevin: I don’t know man. That one chick stole my thong.
Carson: You mean Lance?
Kevin: Yeah…the thongs for my wife, Alana.
Carson: How do you feel in a thong right now?
Kevin: I feel great! Never felt better. I also noticed that when I passed by, the younger girls do seem to appreciate it. ROAR!
Carson: Okay, that’s great. Sorry to tell you that Joey stole your line.
Kevin: The FAT one?
Carson: Yeah.
Kevin: Damn. (walks away to the other side)
Carson: THAT’S MR. WISCONSIN! And that’s the end of the contestants. Now let’s get on to the cool shit. Oops, I forgot to introduce to you the judges. How could I possibly forget them? *cough* Yeah, today we have Alex Solowitz…
Alex: YEAH! (points to Justin) YOU IS GOIN’ DOWN, WHITE BOY!
Justin: WHA? YOU BE CALLIN’ ME A WHITE BOY?
Alex: YEA, WHUT ‘FOO? (shouts at Evan) YO, MR. 2 PERCENT MILK! MR. KHAKI PANTS! MR. TOUCHED-BY-AN-ANGEL! GO GET DIS HEA MR.RAMEN-NOODLE-HEAD SOME MIDOL!
(Evan hands Justin some Midol)
Justin: NAW MAN, I DUN NEED DAT CRAP!
Carson: We’ll be right back after this long break. (all the contestants and Alex are beating up each other in the background)
Lance: (crying; covering his “manhood” with a single ripped curtain) SOMEONE STOLE MY THONG! *sniffs* I paid $19.00 for that silky pink victorian-laced thong!
Justin: (happy) Yo, I guess you is outta the contest.
JC: I mean, who’d wanna steal Lance’s thong anyway? I mean…it’s Lance. *cough* No offense, Lance.
Chris: It’s better than Joey.
Joey: Hey!
Justin: So, Lance’s dropping out right?
Carson: Yeah, but we’re one man short.
Alex: MAN?!?
(Everyone sees Lance’s pink-laced thong fly in the air from the judge’s booth to the center of the stage)
Lance: MY THONG! IT’S ALL RIPPED APART!
Carson: Alex, was that you? Did you steal Lance’s thong?
Alex: (in judges booth) Yo man, I thought he was a girl! (looks at Lance and shivers) Damn man, get outta mah face!
Lance: I feel so used.
Chris: Don’t worry, Alex. We had to go through the same mistake when we first saw dear ol’ Lance.
JC: Yeah, Joey was hitting on Lance the first time he saw her, I mean, him.
Justin: He still is.
Carson: (changing subject) ANYWAY, we have to get onto the 2nd round. It’s called, uh, (reading off cards) “Prom night”. You guys have to wear some kind of outfit for a prom. Yeah…(the contestants are still staying where they are in their undies picking their noses) What the hell are you guys still doin’ here? I said get ‘cho assths off the stage and change for a damn prom! Ugh. (the guys run as fast as they can out of the stage in different directions) Dumbasses. (to camera; smiling) We’ll be right back.
Carson: Judges, what do you think?
Alex: Yo, I give mah homay a 6 juss for hangin’ out wid me. Naw, he’s koO’. His tux would look fly on Jerry, err, I mean me.
Britney: Like, QT is like a total QT! Umm…he’s like totally fly so I give him a 10!
Beef: We give him a 7.
Porky: No dammit, an 8!
Beef: Fine, 8 it is.
Tyrese: Man, I gotta go wid da meatz here an’ go for an 8 too.
Carson: That’s a total of 32 points out of 40. That’s pretty damn good. K, on with our next contestant: Mr. Ethiopia!
Evan: (comes out w/ a plaid tuxedo he wore in “Forever Plaid”) *muttering* I must beat QT, I must beat QT, I must dammit…I must beat QT…err—act cool, Evan, act cool. (walks but trips on stage, but immediately stands up)
Alex: Yo Jerry!
Evan: Um, it’s Evan, Alex. Evan.
Alex: Yea, whuteva. Yo, dat shit be whacked, yo. What da hell r u wearin’ ‘foo? Yo, even though u ish mah homay, you dress like a fricken loser, like mah homeboy Carson here. So ah give u a fricken 2.
Jerry: NO DAMMIT! ALEX, YOU SUCK!
Britney: Like…um…you know pink would look better. Like totally. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt if you wore some fuzzy things on your hair. I think it’ll look pretty. I mean, if you have to wear something plaid, you shoulda asked me and I coulda dressed you up like Rosie O’Donnell! I give you a 2, too. (laughs but with no sound) 2 too! That’s funny!
Turkey: Dammit Britney. We think that Evan needs some damn spotlight. Even though his shirt sucks, we give him a 9 ‘cause he hosts TRL better than Carson.
Evan: (bows down over the meats, ‘cause he koO’ like dat)
Tyrese: Sorry man, but da gear just doesn’t do in proms. I give you a 5.
Carson: And Jerry, err, Evan ends up with a total of 18 points out of 40. Ouch. Dayum, it wasn’t that bad.
Pork: (whispers to Chicken) Maybe ‘cause Carson wears that kind of crap all the time *cough*.
Carson: The next contestant is Mr. Maryland!
JC: (goes up on stage with a white tuxedo t-shirt) I will beat Justin, the damn bastard. I will. *sniffs weed* Ugh…um, I’m sexy. Do me, do me now.
Alex: Yo, whut u be up to, ‘foo? Be dressin’ up like mah homay. Mr. Wanna-be two percent milk! Uh-uh! Bitch. You get a 1.
JC: Damn you!
Alex: Ay, u wanna start sumphin’?
JC: (sqeaks) no.
Alex: Das rite.
Britney: Like um…I dunno. (shouts over to Justin on the other side of stage) Justy hun? What do you think of JC’s tuxedo thingie? (twirls hair)
Justin: (behind curtain) It sucks, yo! Give him a mfking 0! 0, you bitch!
Britney: Like, okay Justy! Whatever ya say!
JC: NO, DAMMIT, NOO!!! I MUST BEAT THE BASTARD! Britney, remember when I hooked you up wid Joey?
Britney: Oh yeah! He was good, but not as good as Justy. Ugh, I dunno. For doing that, I’ll give you a 2. Hehe, two too!
Justin: (behind curtain) I knew I shoulda stuck wid Veronica, the damn whore.
Chicken: Hey, we give the crackhead a fricken 10. He looks dead sthexy.
Pork: Wait a minute! Isn’t that what you wore in the “God must have spent…” video?
JC: I had to! I just bought six packs of weed yesterday! Crack costs so much these days, dammit!
Chicken: Sorry JC, but cheap asses don’t always get their ways.
JC: But I must beat Justin, dammit, just this once! I just never get the attention. For all that I do, the spotlight just always goes to Justin, dammit, Justin. (like Jan Brady) JUSTIN, JUSTIN, JUSTIN! *sniffs*
Pork: Poor JC. Fine, we still give you a 10. We wanna see you win over Justin anyways.
JC: (bows to his knees) I am not worthy!
Porky: Erm, JC? Can you do that again, except facing the curtains this time?
Tyrese: Eh-em! I think that the style’s tight. It’s very formal yet conservative. I give you a 7.
Carson: And that totals Mr. Maryland up with a 20 out of 40. The next contestant is Mr. Mississippi!
Lance: (shyly goes to the center of the stage with a spaghetti-strapped pink-laced dress touching the floor) I hope my nails are shiny enough for the judges. I’ll just die if they reject my beautiful cuticles!
Alex: (to Carson whispering) Yo, are you sure dat das a guy?
Carson: (whispering) Pretty much, yeah.
Alex: Dayum
Carson: (aloud) Judges, what do you think?
Alex: Yo, it’s aiite. I mean, even though I think u is a guy, I dun blame you for a sex change, ya know? It be all good. The dress be phat. I give u an 8.
Britney: Like, oh my gosh! You just totally have to hook me up with your hair stylist and your manicure is just gorgeous! I just totally love the dress ‘cause I love pink too! Hehe! I give you a 10!
Justin: (in the back curtains) NOOO!
Porky: Um…Lance is that you? Err--sorry. I dunno, the dress is nice I guess and your nails are um, nice, too. Oh by the way, one earring fell off but it’s all good. We give you a 9.
Lance: (hyperventilating) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Everyone stop! I lost an earring! I lost an earring! (falls to ground trying to find it)
Carson: Everyone! I’ve been told via radio that whoever has the earring will get disqualified from the contest unless returned to now.
JC: (walks over to Lance w/ the earring, clips it on Lancth’s ear and walks away muttering sniffing crack)
Tyrese: Okay, um, before I start, I’m glad you found your earring.
Lance: (about to cry) Thank you.
Tyrese: I think the gown is very elegant and I love the extra accessories. Plus, the nails are great. I give you an 8.
Carson: That means Mr. Mississippi gets 35 points out of 40. The best that we have so far! Good job, Miss—err—Mr. Mississippi. Now give it up for Mr. New York!
Joey: (wears leopard pimpish outfit/tux) I can do anyone anytime anywhere, baybee.
Alex: Yo, I hope u is straight, ya know whut I’m sayin’? ‘Cause I be givin’ you a fricken 10 ‘cause dat gear be dope, man. Hella tight ‘cause Mickey Parke be a pimp, yo.
Britney: Like, you look like Kid Rock. Hehe.
Joey: And you look like you’ll look good in my bed.
Britney: Okay! Hehe. Wanna go now?
Joey: Anytime anywhere, babay.
Justin: (from behind the curtain) Yo, Joey! Leave my bitch alone!
Joey: Damn.
Britney: Like you look like you’ll look good in my bed too, but not as good as my Justy Wusty so I give you a 9!
Beef: Joey! ROWR!
Turkey: Good lord! Calm down, Beef. We here give you a 7 ‘cause um…yeah.
Tyrese: Yo, dat leopard print be dope. You be a tru pimp like dat but it’s not really what someone would wear to a prom since this is judging on Prom Night. But the gear be dope man. I give you an 8.
Carson: That’s adds up to a 34 for Mr. New York! Just one point away from Mr. Mississippi! Now I introduce to you Mr. Pennsylvania!
Chris: (wearing an untucked fumanskeeto t-shirt under half-unbuttoned tux w/ a gold chain with busta’s head to match the “thong”) WAHZZZZUUUUUPPP?
Alex: Yo what kinda style is that? Dat be whacked, yo. But the gold chain be tight so I give you a 5.
Britney: Like um…a 4?
Porky: Chris, you are a hott mutha, but seriously I suggest you take out the fumanskeeto shirt. Not for the prom at all. Oh well, we’ll give you a 7.
Tyrese: Aww man. I know your style man, but you could’ve done better fixing yourself up a bit. It’s koO’…I get the style but it’s not the style for a prom. I’ll give you a 6.
Carson: That gives Mr. Pennsylvania a total of 22 points. Not as good as Mr. Mississippi or Mr. New York, but I think he’s still in the game! Now let’s give it up for Mr. Tennessee! (a crowd of teenies cheer on)
Justin: (walks all sexy with a baby blue tux) Yea yea, I is da shit, yo.
Alex: Ay, it’s you again! Naw foo’, you ain’t no thug! Ahaha, loser. You get a 1!
Justin: (muttering) mshafudgabisha…
Britney: Justy! You look hott! I luv ya, Justy! Muah! Muah! Muah!
Justin: Dayum woman, just give me a 10 already.
Britney: Okay Justy! I give you a 10!
Porky: You are a bastard, but a dayum good looking bastard. We give you a 10 as long as you promise to cut your ‘fro back to it’s normal size and loose the braids.
Justin: yea yea…um, I’ll do dat.
Porky: Whatever. Try to look black all you want. Oh well, make that an 8.
Justin: Dayum.
Tyrese: Yo, da suit be tight man. Goes wit yo personality and it be great for a prom, know whut I’m sayin? I give you a 10.
Carson: That gives Mr. Tennessee a 29 out of 40. Now let’s hear it for Mr. Utah!
Noah: (goes to center of stage wearing a normal black tux w a little rose on a pocket)
Alex: Wazzup Noah! Ay yo, check dis: I might give you a 6 for dressin’ up all too formal and crap, but is that rose foe me?
Noah: Um, yeah, it’s for you.
Alex: KoO’. You get a 9 then.
Britney: Like um, you look great and like…the rose is a good accessory too so yeah. I give you um…an 8! Hehe!
Pork: MEOW KITTY MEOW. That just says it all. *cough* You get a 10.
Tyrese: You know u is mah brotha but I juss gotta say dat das just an ordinary tux, but hey man, it looks good on ya so here’s an 8.
Carson: Mr. Utah gets a total of 35 points. A tie between Mr. Mississippi and Mr. Utah! Now give it up for our last contestant, Mr. Wisconsin!
Kevin: WHOOOO! YEAH! (runs up to stage with a tuxedo t-shirt and some black jeans)
Alex: Yo, dat be mah homie right there! Even though I won’t be wearin’ shit like dat, I gotta hook u up wid a 10 ‘cause u is koO’ like dat.
Britney: Like ewwww! Like that is soooo last millenium ago. I give you a 5.
Chicken: We think the tuxedo t-shirt is original and I guess it goes well with you. We think it’s cool. Here’s a 10.
Tyrese: Yo, da shirt won’t get no chicks but I guess it be aiite for a prom, know whut I’m sayin’? Yea, ‘cause u ain’t a pimp like mah homie Alex, right?
Alex: Nah man, he be a pimp yo.
Tyrese: Yea yea, man ish all good. U get a 7.
Carson: That surprisingly totals Mr. Wisconsin up with 32 points. Not bad, not bad at all. Now we are done with round two of the Mr. Teen USA contest. Let’s bring all of our contestants back on stage. (all the contestants are back on stage) We will soon pick 5 contestants between these (looking at Justin) HOTT male contestants after this break. Stay right there!
Carson: AND WE’RE BACK! Welcome back to Mr. Teen USA! Here are our contestants in the back…Holy mother of Gawd! Lance, what happened to your thong??
Carson: (stage is dark and a disco ball is turning slowly in the ceiling) And we’re back with our 2nd round of Mr. Teen USA! (audience cheers) It’s prom night and the contestants have to impress the judges, Alex Solowitz; Britney Spears; The Sailor Meats judging as one; and uh, Tyrese (crowd cheers). Now, let’s get to our first contestant, we go by alphabetical order by the way. Here’s Mr. Canada! (crowd cheers as QT walks up with a sexthy navy blue tuxedo with background music “I’m too sexy”)