The Lancth Conspiracy

Holy Mother of Avon!

Ok, let’s get one thing straight. There’s a Lance Conspiracy, but then there’s a Lancth conspiracy. Got the difference? Ok, so you may be wondering what I’m going to tell you about this little mystery. Well, scroll down and see for yourself.
WARNING: The contents of which you are going to scroll down to may cause you to hurl. I suggest you get the toilet ready.

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Lancth or Former Sporty Spice?......You decide.

I know you're like, "Mah Eyes, Mah Eyes!" Look, I am so sorry you had to see that, but I had to bring it up. You see, while I was watching the American Music Awards, I just so happened to see someone with Spiky hair, plucked eyebrows and he looked Albino-ish, but to my surprise, it was former Sporty Spice, Melanie C. I was like, “OH MY LANCTH!!!!!” If you did not see the resemblance, I suggest you stop taking JC’s crack, seriously. No offence to Lancth lovers, but for the love of Pete, they do look alike. Do you know how hard it was to get that picture of Mel C.? I was gonna barf ‘cuz I had to go to some fan page for it. The things I do for this page, oh the things I do. Here's the inside scoop:

-Setting: A Make-up Store
Characters: Lance, Mel C., Porky, Pork, Beef, Chicken, and Turkey

-Mel C. enters the store, thuggish and all [hey, she has a tatoo, rite?]. She has an English accent and just got done listening to an ebonics tape, illegally distributed by a certain Justy Timberlake-

MC: Yo, I want tah get me sum covergirl mascara now, (bangs counter), Yo.

Porky: Sure. *cough* PMS! *cough* It's in aisle 1, section 1.

MC: Wo-ehd (word).

Porky: Uh-huh..yeah...

-Lancth enters the scene and approaches Porky's desk/counter-

Porky: (looks up, pissed) Dude, I like told you VERBATIM, it's in aisle 1, section 1. Comprende?

Lancth: Oh my! I don't know what you're talking about, I just came in. All I wanted to buy was mascara, you know, the one Faith Hill models for. You like her?

Porky: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that Faith Hill, she's sooo coool, or something. ANYWAYS, the mascara's in aisle 1, section 1, to your right.

Lancth: Why thank you, I'll be going there now. Toodle-oooo

-In the one and only aisle in the store.....

Lancth: (see's Mel C.) THINKS: Geez, that young lady is sooo ugly. I don't know why she's even bothering with mascara. Talk about the Grim Reaper. OH dear, my eyes are hurting just from looking at her...

MC: (turns around and sees Lancth [pretending not to notice her]. THINKS: Man, that girl is really gorgeous. Ohh, her eyebrows are superbly plucked. I wish I could look just like her. She reminds me of Baby Spice, UGH........bitch.

Lancth: (breaks silence) Hmm, do you just so happen to know where the Cover Girl mascara is?

MC: (rough) Yeah, dat be wut I is lookin foe too. (searches) Ahh, here it be, yo!

Lancth: ?? (takes one, trys it on and looks in compact mirror) Perfect! Just like she said, no clumps or globs! God Bless Cover girl, although I'm all for Avon, but today they just don't cut it. Oh dear, what is the world coming to? Is it because I'm from Mississippi? Well, I'll just purchase this now. (leaves)

MC: (trys on same exact mascara and talks to self) Dayum, I look so HOTT now that I look like her. Bettah buy it before she leaves so she could give me some advice on other products I should buy. (leaves)

-IN CASHIER PLACE-

-Lancth puts mascara on scanner thing-

Porky: Will that be all for you today, Ms..?

Lancth: *cough* MR. LANC-ER-TOBY BASS.

Porky: Oh, heh, mah bad. Eh-heh. That'll be $5.50 Ms-Mr. Bass sir.

Lancth: For the love of Avon! Prices are going up now-a-days huh? How expensive!

Porky: Dude, you have like fricken 5 Million dollars, what are you complaining about?

-Mel C. comes next in line-

Porky: (notices her and gets scared) OH MY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! THERE'S TWO OF YOU!!

Lancth: Excuse me? (looks @ MC) Heh, NO. I'm far more silkier.

Porky: Are you guys like twins or something?

Lancth/MC: NO/YES!

MC: Oh my! (looks at Lancth) We do look alike, and sound alike. What color do you think my lips look good it? Power Pink, or Ruby Red? Oh, I see you're wearing Passionate Peach! Nice choice, I think I should get that too!

Lancth: Oh dear, fans these days...

Porky: (stares at Lancth, then MC, then Lance, then MC) I.....think....I...am....going...to...hurl...(runs to bathroom, screaming)

-Turkey takes over-

Turkey: (noticing Lancth and MC) HOLY SHIT! ARMAGEDDON IS NEAR! (runs to basement)

-Chicken takes over-

Chicken: Hmm, that'll be $5.50. Sorry for the temporary inconvenience.

Lancth: (pays) No problem, I've seen worse.

MC: Hey, are you leaving already? You didn't even answer my question yet. Would you like to chat for a while? (touches Lancth's skin) How do you get such silky smooth skin?

Lancth: AHHHH!! (runs away w/mascara)

Chicken: (finally notices MC looks like Lancth) Umm, excuse me...(runs to church and prays)

-Beef takes over-

Beef: (checks item) That'll be $5.50 ma'am.

MC: Ok. (pays in European cash) Here you go.

Beef: Um, no. We only accept AMERICAN cash.

MC: Oh dear, I'm afraid I don't have any.

Beef: Lance? Is that you? (looks closely at MC)

MC: Excuse me? This is Mel C. aka Former Spice Girl.

Beef: HOLY CRAP! THE CONSPIRACYS ARE TRUE! AHHH! (runs to storage room and sits in corner)

-Pork takes her place-

Pork: (already knowing what's going on) Look, if you can't pay in American cash, then I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave.

MC: But I wanted to look like that Toby chick.

Pork: (in slow motion: while kicks MC's ass out the door) NOOOOO!!! (locks door) *breathes* I've saved this place from the horrors of Mississippi and Uk Albinos. Oh dear, I need a nap....

Lancth or Former Spice Girl, you decide. WE DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND ANY MEL C. FANS OR something.

Ok, you may be wondering why we're actually working in a make-up place in the story. You see, we're very poor. Someone's gotta keep the heap running, ya know what I'm sayin? Damn *N Sync, they're too cheap to contribute.....bastahds....

Note: No Meats were physically harmed during the making of this page. Mentally harmed, now that’s another story.

Dude, I almost got a heart attack. Take me to the hospital!