Wadsworth: Yvette, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires. [glances at them] Within reason, that is.
Wadsworth: Oh, you must be Mr. Green.
Miss Scarlet: Why is the car stopped?
Mr. Green: [hands Peacock his glass, starts to mop her up as she clucks] I'm sorry . . . I'm a little accident-prone . . .
Col. Mustard: [indicating the head of the table] Is this place for you?
Mr. Green: I'm . . . sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.
Mrs. White: So what do you do, Professor?
Wadsworth: I'm sorry. Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Miss Scarlet:Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Mrs. White: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . .
Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Miss Scarlet: I enjoy getting presents from strange men.
Mr. Green: Well, I didn't do it.
Col. Mustard: [shaking the wrench] There is safety in numbers . . . [realizing and putting the wrench away] . . . my dear.
Wadsworth: He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly . . . . . .un-American.
Wadsworth: Well, to make a long story short--
Mr. Green: Well, I didn't do it!
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Mrs. Peacock: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to, um . . . [to Yvette] Is there a little girls' room?
Mrs. White: [looking] Oh, my. Nobody can get into that position.
Mr. Green: [panicking] I didn't do it!
Wadsworth: Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
[Col. Mustard goes to the study and looks in.]
Col. Mustard: All right, look. Pay attention, everybody. [to Wadsworth] Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?
Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.
Col. Mustard: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house.
Professor Plum: Well, what are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mr. Green: I have nothing to hide! I didn't do it!
Wadsworth: Three murders.
Wadsworth: And, to make a long story short--
Col. Mustard: How did you know that?
Mr. Green: Now, there's one thing I don't understand.
Miss Scarlet: I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N., Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death. [she lowers the revolver at him] And the deaths of five other people?
Wadsworth: The games up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Mr. Green: [accusatory] I TOLD you I didn't DO it!
Col. Mustard: There's still one thing I don't understand.
Professor Plum: But is the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?
Mr. Green: [knowingly] So it was you. I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: [laughing] No. Communism was just a red . . .herring.
Mr. Green: I told you I didn't do it!
Mr. Green: They all did it! But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the Hall, with the revolver. Take 'em away, chief. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.
Mr. Green: Yes . . .
Wadsworth: [to dogs] Sit!
[Mr. Green frantically sits on a bench by the door.]
Wadsworth: No. Not you, sir.
[Mr. Green sheepishly gets up and enters the house.]
Professor Plum: It's frightened.
Wadsworth: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Col. Mustard: And what exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Professor Plum: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.
Col. Mustard: Another politician. Jesus!
Professor Plum: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Professor Plum: [very interested] Oh, yeah? [pulling out a pen and notepad] What's the phone number?
[Miss Scarlet rolls her eyes.]
Mr. Green: So how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Col. Mustard: [incredulous] Certainly not!
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
Col. Mustard: [to Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true!
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Professor Plum: Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
Mr. Green: Ha-hah! So it is true!
Wadsworth: A double negative!
Col. Mustard:Double "negative"? You mean you have-- (whispers to Scarlet) Photographs?
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Col. Mustard: That's right!
[Col. Mustard realizes what he just said.]
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
[The men in the room cross their legs.]
Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared.
Mrs. White: [shrugging] He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mrs. Peacock: Oh, I need a drink!
[She goes to the door and gets Mr. Boddy's cognac. She sips.]
Professor Plum: [alarmed] Maybe he was poisoned!
[Mrs. Peacock drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream. She won't stop.
Mr. Green takes her to a sofa, offering words of comfort. She sits, but won't stop screaming. Mr. Green slaps her.]
Mr. Green: I . . . I had to stop her from screaming . . .
Professor Plum: [to Green] Was the brandy poisoned?
Mr. Green: I don't know.
Miss Scarlet: [picks up the glass. All the cognac has spilled out.] Looks like we'll never know.
Mr. Green: Unless . . . unless she dies, too.
[They all rush over to scrutinize Mrs. Peacock.]
[Mr. Green's serving table gives way, landing him (and several pieces of crystal) on the floor.]
Mr. Green: Sorry.
Wadsworth: For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife, for
a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband and . . . and . . . so forth.
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous! If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us
to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?
[Several nods.]
Col. Mustard: Too late.
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Col. Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Col. Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.
[Several guests look shocked]
Miss Scarlet: Oh?
[Uncomfortable silence]
Col. Mustard: I said "if." "If"! [pause] Hey, come on. There is only one admitted killer here, and it is certainly not me, it is her!
[He points at Mrs. White.]
Mrs. White: I've admitted nothing.
Col. Mustard: Well, you paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Col. Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Col. Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable.
Col. Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies!
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Col. Mustard: Right!
[Again, he realizes what he just said]
Yvette: Oui, oui, madame.
Mrs. Peacock: No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you.
Professor Plum: [putting the pictures down] Sure they can. Let me show you.
Plum starts to demonstrate with Mrs. White on the couch.]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.
Col. Mustard: It's what we call "overkill."
Professor Plum: It's what we call "psychotic."
Col. Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?
Col. Mustard: Yup. Two corpses. Everything's fine.
Wadsworth: Mmm, no.
Col. Mustard: Then there IS someone else in this house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said "no," meaning "yes."
Col. Mustard: "'No,' meaning 'yes'"? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
Wadsworth: Um, no.
Col. Mustard: "No," there IS, or "no," there ISN'T?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.
Col. Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already.
Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.
Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else.
Wadsworth: Either. Or both.
Col. Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!
Wadsworth: Certainly! [pause] What was the question?
Col. Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house?!
All: No!!
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Mr. Green: Six, all together.
Wadsworth: This is getting serious.
All: Too late!
Wadsworth: --one by one, you all arrived.
Wadsworth: [to Mustard] Can you keep a secret?
Col. Mustard: [leaning in] Yes.
Wadsworth: So can I.
Professor Plum: ONE thing?
Professor Plum: You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N. I might go up in their estimation.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
[She thinks.]
Miss Scarlet: Uh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.
Miss Scarlet: [thinking] Okay, fine. One plus two plus one-[angered] Shut up!
Mrs. White: ONE thing?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called "Hoover"?
Wadsworth: [to Mr. Green] I know. So I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
