Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms: For friends and family

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour. When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee I studied geenetics. 'Round these parts we love chicken and we're all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make a three- legged chicken. So, here 'tis." The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?" The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to catch one yet."

Once upon a time, a mature woman in her 60s decided that she wanted to have a baby. She read all about the modern fertility procedures for older women. She decided that she would get pregnant, and have a baby. And she did, and she did. One of her old friends dropped by her house, and wanted to see the baby. She said, "The baby is napping, and you'll have to wait until he wakes up." So they talked and visited for a while. After a while the friend said she had to go soon, but she really did want to see the baby. The mother was quite adamant: "You'll have to wait until he wakes up." The visitor said, "Can't I just peek in and look at him sleeping?" The mother admitted, "I can't remember where I put him, but when he wakes up and cries, then I can find him...."

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?" She slowly nods her head yes. "What are you doing?" he asks incredulously. "I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb," she started, "and I wanted to do it by painting the house." "Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?" he asks dumbfounded. "Well," she says, "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats."

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl replied. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked." "That's the one!" said the clerk. "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"

The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted," they reply. Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, chop to pieces every log of wood, find no diamonds, yell at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Two guys are driving through Texas and get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's side window. The driver slowly rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver "What did you do that for?" The trooper says, "Son, you're in Texas, when I pull you over, you will have you're license ready." The driver says, "Sorry sir, I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives him his license back, then the trooper walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him in the head with his nightstick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What the heck was that for?" The trooper replies "Just making you're wish come true." "What in the world does that mean?" the guy asks. The trooper says, "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, 'I wish that punk would have tried that with me!"

A 54 year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year-old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

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