Hey guys. this page was getting waaaaaay too long so i decided to switch the entries to expage pages, or if it's too long for expage it'll be posted here. Click on a date to view that entry. Thanx much!
November 26, 1999-Friday
December 4, 1999-Saturday
December 14, 1999-Tuesday
December 18, 1999-Saturday
December 29, 1999-Wednesday
January 12, 2000-Wednesday
January 15, 2000-Saturday
January 18, 2000-Tuesday
January 21, 2000--Friday
January 23, 2000--Sunday
January 30, 2000--Sunday
March 27, 2000--Monday
Most of the missing dates are entries below that were too big for expage or something...u can read em by scrolling down. More entries to come!
This one was too big for expage, plus too many curse words to censor or i wouldn't make any sense so it's still here.
Date: December 16, 1999 (Thursday)
Wearing: jeans, a Voorhees Vikings t-shirt w/ my black tank top under it
Mood: sad, depressed, mad, upset, crying
Thinking: that i wanna get away from this fucking hell hole i live in
Jeez....today totally blew. I wanna live somewhere else but that isn't gonna happen till im like 18 and able to get out on my own without my mom having any control over me. Last night we went to the mall to get a dress for my Snowball Dance tomorrow night, it's like a winter semi-formal. My dress is absolutly beautiful, it's long with little sparkly bursts on it and it's maroon-ish colored. my shoes have lil constellations on em but they're black and the constellations are a metallic black and u can only see if u tilt em the rite way. My mom and I got into a fight @ the mall but thank god Jay was there (one of my cousins friends) and he works @ the mall and he didn't have to be at work till 9 and it was about 6 that this happened...he saw us fighting when he was outside and came in to see what was going on. He took me outside to calm me down, we talked and had a lil ciggy break. I did calm down a little bit but i was shaking so much i could barely hold the damn cigarette...this morning we got into another fight that was like 50 times worse than last night. It was in the morning b4 school and my sister calls to wake me up since she goes to work at 5. So she called and my mom picked up the phone, storms into my room and starts yelling at me. Im like "im getting up hold on" so she's so fucking impatient it's not even damn funny..she rips off my blankets, pulls my pillows out from under my head and screams "GET UP NOW UR GOING TO MISS YOUR BUS!" and it was like 6:50 when she said this.my bus doesn't come till about 7:15...i had plenty of time, but no...she was hitting my arms and my legs, pulls my arm behind me cuz i was trying to keep my blankets on my bed since it's cold up here in the mornings...my arm was looped behind my bedframe and my other arm was holding onto the blankets...she rips my hand off my blanket and pins it next to my head and goes,"im gonna fucking break off ur goddamn arm, GET UP!" then when she was trying to make me talk to my sister on the phone she grabs my head and like stuck her hand over my eye and just pulls it back so that fucked up my neck, then she was hitting and smacking my arms and my legs. i was working out yesterday in the weight room for gym cuz we go there this week i guess and my muscles were fucked up and her hitting and smacking them just made em hurt worse. so my arm is like dead and my legs are fine but when i stretch the muscles it hurts though. I keep telling my sister i don't want to live here, and i guess she knows where I'm coming from but she doesn't want me to leave. my sister is like the kewlest in the world, atleast i think so. she tries to talk to my mom, tell her to give me time on my own so that i'll get up and to calm down and stop yelling at me.all my mom does is tell her that she isn't my mom and to stop "babying" me. I ended up staying home from school. I'm so shaken up i can barely type right my hands are like wobbly and i can't concentrate...it's taken me so far like 45 minutes just to type this one. I hate my mother and i know that sounds fucking harsh but i do. i hate her i wish she'd fucking drop dead. Jay said i'd need her..yah for what, money and transportation but my sister has her license so im cool with my sis driving me places. all i need her for is money for food and clothes. Christmas is gonna blow. my mom said i didn't need anything good, that a "bitch like me" didn't need anything nice and she was threatening to take back my dress and shoes and my christmas presents. she can fucking go do it, i don't give two shits. I'll go without nothing from my mom this year. Im getting stuff from my friends most likely and i know my brother and sis in law are getting me something..il live with that. I want to leave, none of you have any understanding how much i want to get away. All my friends have good relationships with their families: they sit down to dinner together, talk nicely, have fun together and get along. all of them wonder why im not in school half the time or why i act so bitchy sometimes and depressive. I just want to tell them to come live in my fucking house, deal with the shit i have to fucking deal with and then tell me if they wouldn't break down and want to just get away from everyone and not think about anything but making everything better. I read on some webpage that 90% of the ppl who say they're depressed on the Internet are faking it, just want to be in the loop with people and whatever. Babe, i'm not faking it. I've cut myself lots of times, i've wanted to OD on pills and just die, I've written a story for my 7th grade novel project that was laid out around the main character who was depressed and wanted to get away. The only difference was my mom didn't kill herself (though i wish she would) and i don't have a dad to begin with...and also my boyfriend didn't kill himself cuz im single so. I'm also adopted for anyone that didn't know that.
What sucks for me is that a majority of my friends are almost always happy, hyper and smiling and laughing. I always put on a happy face and smile and laugh with them when I think it's right but on the inside I just want to get away, curl under my blankets and sleep forever. I'm different from every one of my friends, except for Jackie in ways.
Right now i'm crying so i can't see exactly what im typing so im gonna go and try to calm down. I'll try to write more on this but if i don't i'll have another entry under this one.
Date: Jan. 8, 2000
Mood: Happy
Wearing: tiny blue sweater, my comfy jnco jeans that are ripped to the knee down the outside seam on the left leg *hehe i look so ghetto or something*
Thinking: I wanna meet Jesse Fulper...*sigh*
Jeez, that last few days have been so confusing! Elyse and I have become like good friends over the past just week or so and that's cool cuz i love her she's such a sweetie. If Nicole is reading this or her boyfriend Josh for some odd unknown reason, NO im not dabbling. *by the way, u had to be with us on Thursday afternoon afterschool to understand what "dabbling" is. Psha, so anyway! Back to my sudden good mood-ness. Elyse used to go out with Jesse a while back but now she's going out with James Curtain this kid from my old town (High Bridge aka HB.) One night elyse and james called me on 3way from Jesse's house and we were all talking and yadda yadda yadda. So Elyse wants to hook up me and Jesse and that's all fine and dandy with me but i'm going out with Dave again. Boo-hoo for Jesse, cuz from what I'm getting from Elyse's emails (which involve alot of "do u like jesse i really need to know it's important" stuff) I think he may wanna hook up with me. First things first cutie pie, we gotta see each other in person, that might help lol. Now I don't know what to do with the "dave situation" as im calling it from here on in...He asked me to his Snowball Dance on Feb. 12 and i wanna go with him to see elyse and all these other belvidere people that i haven't seen in forever! but i really wanna hang out with elyse there which il most likely end up doing. but if i dump dave he may very well hate me for the rest of my so-called life according to that email that he sent me the night i asked him out. ahh memories. so anyway, it's confusing and my poor little fried up brain isn't taking that so well! Jesse and I talked on the phone from about 5:30 till around 11:30 on Thursday night with a little break in between for me to talk with nicole while she gushed about how sweet josh was and for jesse to go get the "you know what" as he said from his mailbox. lol that was amusing. Anyhoo! We have so much in common it's scary, and he wants to meet me. SO yesterday (that was friday, the 7th) we were gonna hang out afterschool at his house with james and smoke and drink or whatever but my mom i guess tried to wake me up but i wouldn't budge since i was on the phone so late and she just left me there. So i missed my bus and in turn didn't get to go hang out with jesse and james...plus she said i couldn't go anywhere this weekend so IT SUCKS SO FAR! I have to clean my room and suck up BAD if i want her to take me and possibly some friends *hint:elyse,jackie,dave,jesse,james* to the movies if we get the house straightened up early enough and i get my room done. So im gonna need some major elbow grease and HAUL ASS *lol* anyways i hope we get to go tonight for some odd reason there's this little thing in my wonderful *cough, gag* sometimes(!) mom that always makes her give in *happy sigh* most of the time to what i wanna do. *big smile* she wuz even telling me that if i was "a better student" (ack, don't even go there) then she'd break her neck to do anything for me. Jeez i'm turning into a typical little spoiled bitch. not my fault, i wasn't actually born into this family i was adopted into it. Go me. :)
Well I'm gonna go "haul ass" and try to get my room done before it's too late since i wanna clear some major shit out of it, and it's 7:10 AM. (Lord knows why I'm up but i woke up at like 4 and decided to come check my email, and i've been up ever since emailing people and websurfing. )
Byebye! *hugs* Lots of love, no dabbling.
Anything to tell me? email me. Addy @ the bottom of da page.
Beam.me.up.scottie