SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT AUTHOR: Kathy EMAIL ADDRESS: SADanaMldr@aol.com ARCHIVE: Anywhere, please keep my name and address attached and let me know where. SPOILER WARNING: Milagro RATING: PG-13 (language) CLASSIFICATION: MSR/UST SUMMARY: None DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully belong to CHRIS CARTER, TEN THIRTEEN PRODUCTIONS, and FOX TELEVISION... ALEXANDRIA, VA TUESDAY 10:15PM ~Of course not... Of course it's not... But, I need it to be true. God, what's wrong with me? This ache I feel wrenching and pulling inside of my chest... it's so strong. It hurts. It hurts so much. Please, God, please, I need this. I need her.~ A single tear dripped from Fox Mulder's cheek and on to the page of the slightly used, yet notably cherished leather bound journal. His mind shifted slightly in thought, but not in subject, as he continued his maddening scribbles across the ink beaten page. ~Damn it. Damn it! How can I be doing this? How *do* I do this? Writing about her like this. It feels wrong, indignant... but I love her so much... I want her with me in my bed... feeling her warm, and sweetly soft skin against mine. I want to hold her in my arms; kiss her for all eternity. God! I sound like that sick little fuck of a man. The man that almost killed her. The man who, if he hadn't ripped out his own heart, I would've done it for him. It makes head throb desperately when I think of all that blood, on her shirt caked and soaked through the skin of her neck. My God, I thought I'd lost her...again! Thank God, she's all right. I can still feel the invisible hands wrapped around my throat, halting the breath in my throat, as I approached her bloody body. My Scully... I'm so sorry... It's funny; I've been keeping this practice... this journal writing for quite sometime, but never have I felt quite so... there's really no better word for it... dirty. Is my love for her any less pure than his was? No, Mulder... the way you feel... He couldn't possibly have known what that is like... but his words.. achingly accurate in description of her beauty... so gentle.. so impassioned... but still nothing like my own. Mere words could not describe what I feel for Dana Scully, that is the truest of impossible dreams. ~ RING RING Mulder stood up from his desk, squeezing the bridge of his nose, in an attempt to clear his shaken emotions. RING RING Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the phone beside his couch. "Mulder." "Mulder, it's me." "Hey, Scully," he said in that caressingly sensual tone he used to convey his concern. "How you feeling?" referring to the horrific ordeal with Padgett, her wounds were minor (for some reason they just seemed to vanish, as if they'd never been there), but the emotional damage that was another question. "Much better thank you," she spoke her voice equally as sweet. "Actually I was calling to see if there was anything you wanted before..." She paused knowing a protest would soon follow the words that she had to speak.. "...I leave." "What do you mean leave?" "It's no big deal, Mulder. I just thought I'd take a very short vacation." "How short?" "Just for a few days." "How few?" "Mulder... Stop being such a baby about it." "How few?" "Three, four at the most." "But, you just went on vacation, Scully." "That was last year, Mulder." "Can't... you... Um..." Desperately trying to think of an excuse for her not to go his tongue was tied. "Mulder, it's only a few days..." There was a tension filled silence for the briefest of moments, before Scully spoke. "Uh, Mulder?" "Yeah?" "When I get back... I think we need to talk." Mulder felt his heart rate quicken in fright at the sound of those few simple words. He swallowed hard, and took a deep breath... "Talk?" He nervously cleared his throat. "What about?" "I'm not gonna lie, Mulder. It's very important, but it can wait." "Why can't we talk about it now?" "Because I don't want to." "Then why tell me about it?" "I just wanted to prepare you." "Oh..." He didn't know what to say. He was afraid to talk. Scully listened to his breath quicken. She knew what he was thinking. "Scully I..." "I'm not leaving you, Mulder." She heard loud exhalation of air from the other side of the phone. Relief... question... "Then what is it, Scully?" "You'll know before I get back." "What?!" "You'll know, Mulder..." "Scully... What the hell does that..." "I've gotta go, Mulder. Take care." "Wait! Where are you gonna be?" "I'd rather not say. I'll see you in a few days. Goodbye, Mulder." CLICK Mulder just stared at the receiver that now hung very loosely in his trembling hand. Dropping the phone back into its cradle, he buried his face in his hands. "Damn it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMERICAN AIRLINES- FLIGHT 223 WEDNESDAY 3:30PM EASTERN Dana Scully watched the clouds from her window seat, seemingly fascinated by the white fluff. But, that was not the case, not at all. She was frustrated, agitated, but stoically so. Her mind was racing. She was so mad, Padgett... Why did he have to bring up all of those things, about life and love and loneliness. She said she was anything but lonely. But was that really true? Was she really content with the way things were? Not by a long shot... "Arrgh!" she released, turning a few heads of the passengers. She just ignored them, and without question they ignored her. Scully squeezed her eyes shut, nerves shaking... She took a few deep sobering breaths, and rubbed her temples slowly. Her mouth stretched in a yawn from extreme mental exhaust. She decided a short nap was in order. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WEDNESDAY- 8:37PM EASTERN In the darkness of Alexandria, Virginia, Mulder wandered thinking, drifting. The streets were not too crowded over on this part of town, not that he would have noticed, and the sidewalks were damp with left over afternoon rain. He stopped in front of a small neighborhood park, and found a nice dry bench to sit down on. Looking up at the sky, he tried to concentrate on the cold breeze dancing across his face, his neck, through his hair. But, he couldn't, all he could feel were his temples pounding, as thoughts of the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen continued to play. One minute he'd be worried about her was she safe was she okay, the next what the hell was she thinking, how could she leave like that without telling me. The next, fantasies dreams, some lustful others romantic, or content, and all of them ridiculously fantastic to the extreme. Dana Scully didn't want him. Padgett said she was already in love. Could it be him? He wanted that to be true so badly. Those words had given him hope, but at the same time were painful. What if it wasn't him... if it wasn't there was no chance for him, her heart already belonged to another. But, who? Holding his head in his hands, Mulder began sobbing, sobbing for his uncertainty, his need, his love. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Playa Del Rey, California 5:19PM- PACIFIC "Dana!" Scully embraced her former college roommate, who of late had been reduced to an occasional pen pal. "Come in, come in... I'm so sorry I couldn't pick you up from the airport, it was monstrous down at the office. "It's no problem, Jenny. I'm used to being alone." "What is this a guilt trip," Jenny laughed as she made her way into the living room. "No, no not at all... just stating fact." Scully sighed, as she plopped down onto the sofa. "Mmhm." Dana just stared at her hands for a moment. "Would you like some tea? " "Yeah, please," Dana said with a weary sigh. "Okay, I'll be right back." Scully called out to her as she heard the rustling of the teakettle, "I hope I'm not being too much trouble, I really could've stayed at a hotel." "Nonsense," came from the other room. "What?" Jenny extracted herself from the kitchen, leaving the water to boil. "I said, that's nonsense, Dana. Richard is away on business for the entire week, I'm glad to have you here for a few of those days. It'll keep me out of trouble. Besides, it'll be like old times." "Right old times." The look in Scully's eyes was lost, sad. "Okay, Danes, give. Tell me what's goin' on." Jenny sat by her friend. Scully reached onto the floor for her bag. She pulled out the envelope containing the letter she'd written to Mulder. Handing it to Jenny, she said, "I think that about sums it up." She cleared her throat. Jenny took the note carefully, remembering how hard it was for Dana to express her feelings. Regarding the letter with importance, as well as gentleness, she unfolded it and began to read. 'Fox, I don't know what to say or how to say it. That night, the night I felt that man, that thing pulling my heart out. I felt like he was ripping you out of me, out of my very soul. I kept thinking he was hurting me and killing you. I know it seems crazy, nonsensical even, but that's what was going through my mind during those horrifying moments. And then, suddenly I felt like I was asleep. I kept seeing him, and then you. I thought it was all over, you me everything. I thought I'd never wake up. Then when I did finally open my eyes, I was so scared, I thought he'd come back, come back to finish the job. But, it wasn't him, it was you. You can't imagine the utter relief and joy I felt at that moment. I felt like not only was I given a second chance, but so was my heart. Of course the actual heart is merely a representation, a metaphor of love. But, I felt it, it was real. It was love in my heart battling stay alive, to come alive. I feel that this is my one chance. Padgett said something about me being alone, and I told him that that was a choice, and that I wasn't alone, not at all alone. But, that was a lie. I mean I have my family and you... you know you are my best friend, but I realized I need something... something else in my life... something only you can give me. I won't ask, I won't beg, I'm simply let you know this as fact. A simple fact I found within my soul these last few days. I need your love, Mulder. You have mine. You always have and you always will. All my love, Dana "Oh, Dana, you've go it bad..." Scully's cheeks turned bright apple red. "But, what do you mean about some guy trying to pull your heart out?" The kettle whistle blew at that moment. "Just a metaphor." Jenny looked at her friend quizzically, "Okay... I'll go get the tea." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That night Dana cried on her friend's shoulder, and they talked... and talked some more. Until, they decided that the letter would go right in the mail the following morning. That, of course had been Dana's original plan, but the chicken in her had decided to chuck it. Thank God, for Jenny. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALEXANDRIA, VA WEDNESDAY 10:26 PM- EASTERN Receiver in hand, Mulder traced his eidetic mind for his last potential hope... "Mrs. Scully? This is Fox Mulder. I'm hope it's not too late." "Fox? No, I haven't gone to bed yet. Are you okay, dear?" "I'm not great." "Did something happen, Fox?" "I just... do you know where Dana went?" "Yes." "Could you please... um... Could you tell me where?" "I'm sorry Fox I promised I wouldn't." "Please, Mrs. Scully I need to talk to her." "She'll be back in a few days." "But..." "Fox, I know, don't worry okay." "Do you know why? I mean what's going on." "I think she wants to work out her feelings. After what happened, not that I know many details, but she told me she has an overwhelming need to find something in her life that's missing." "What?" "Fox, I think you know." Sighing Mulder gave in, "Goodnight, Mrs. Scully." "Goodnight, Fox." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRIDAY LATE AFTERNOON PACIFIC TIME 8:00PM EASTERN "Mulder?" "Hey, it's me." "Scully!" "Uh, I was just calling to let you know I'd be home tomorrow evening." "Okay, do you want me to pick you up?" "No, I... uh... I think I'd rather see you at your place. If that's all right with you." "That's fine. What time should I expect you?" "Say around, 7:30." "Around 7:30." "Okay, I'll see you then, Mulder." "Kay." "Bye." "Bye, Scully." He was sad to hang up, but.... Not only had he missed her, but he'd been bored without her. He hated for her to leave him. But, no more worries... She was coming home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AMERICAN AIRLINES - FLIGHT 1013 FRIDAY 11:09AM PACIFIC She closed her eyes and lay back against the headrest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALEXANDRIA, VA FRIDAY- 7:10PM Mulder was making sure his spaghetti sauce just right, it was his best dish, well his only dish. He hoped Dana would like it. Maybe she'd think he'd lost his mind. Trying not to go overboard was hard. He wanted her homecoming to be special. He wanted the white table cloth, the drippy candles, he even thought about hiring a string quartet. But, he'd finally decided that that would've been too scary and way too much. So, he settled on a nice dinner for two and a bottle of wine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:13PM Taxi to Arlington Scully wrung her hands desperately... She knew the letter would've come today... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:19PM Mulder put the finishing touches on the place settings. Suddenly down went a wineglass Luckily it didn't break. Going over to wash it out, he felt the bullets of sweat forming on his brow... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:23PM Dana pulled up in front of the building. "Thank you." Thank God she'd taken the time out to drop her bags off at home. On nervous knees she made her way up the front steps of his building. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:24PM Mulder paced wildly, up and down, wearing a whole into his carpet... Suddenly he felt like he should get his mail? Stepping out into the hallway he made his way over to the mail box. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:25PM Scully made her way up the elevator. She swallowed lump after lump in her throat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:25PM Mulder's eye caught something a letter? From Scully? Not halfway through the door of his apartment, he dropped the rest of the pile onto the floor... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7:26PM The elevator opened. Mulder's head jerked up in reaction. The pair locked eyes... Stepping out of the elevator, Scully began her slow methodical approach... then, realizing what he held in his grasp, she stopped. His eyes are diverted back to the letter... then back up at her... Head achingly heavy, she nodded, prompting him to continue... He swallowed hard... praying, hoping... Scully's heart was in her ears... He tore the white vessel painstakingly slow... Scully watched him closely. She looked into his eyes once more, stepping closer to him. He sucked in his breath, And when he opened the envelope he knew it was true. He read the note slowly, his emotions so acute, so tense. He swallowed a teary sob, as he made his way to the end of her heartfelt confession. And, then he dropped it. The note fell, cascading to the dingy floor of his hallway, like a feather to the grass on a breezy spring day. Scully's head dropped, fearing the worst. And suddenly, without warning; he reached for her, for anything he could grasp... luckily it turned out to be her head. Burying his hands in the fiery tresses, he began kissing her... her ears, her eyelids, her forehead... so fast it rattled Scully to say the least. "Mulder...Mulder! Stop...stop." Her heart was pounding frantically. "Hmm? Why?" Kissed her neck softly. "I don't want to stop." "Neither do I Mulder, but don't you think we should talk about this first." Out of breath he looked into her eyes, drunk with love. "I love you, Scully." He took her hand and kissed the top of it, then shifted to the knuckles. "Let's go inside." She smiled. He put his arm around her shoulder, eyes never leaving hers. The door clicked shut. "You cooked?" she said in a partially shaky, yet uncharacteristically giddy voice. "Okay where's the real Fox Mulder and what have you done with him?" He chuckled, planting a kiss on the top of her head. Scully shifted in his arms to face him, and waited, eyes wide. Mulder leaned forward, taking her face in his hands, with a sweet gentleness that she'd seen some months before, but this time she felt it. Her lips on his, mingling, dancing, loving...Heaven... ...complete and utter perfection. THE END SADanaMldr@aol.com