march, the blessed month of my birth
3:1:00 religion
3:1:00 religion
Ok, i'm okay now. now, as i was saying. religion is a really sucky thing becuase i freaking hate it when people force it in your face. i explained the whole thing, but then this damned machine deleted it. so, now, i'm upset. for any of you people who saw this last night, well, i'm okay now. i'm still getting rid of the internet, but hey, thats just cause i need a break, and a life. my mom tries to make me be her religion. if i wanted to be a satan worshiper i would be. if i wanted to be budist, than i would be. but she seems to think that i have to be what she wants me to be. I don't have to put up with it. i can decide for myself what i wanna be. i can change my own diapers thank you!!! i know what i want for my life, thats for damn sure. i realized what i was missing and i changed it my own self. but, yet, i was wrong, so now i suck. heh heh. anyways, my mom is still looking for a phsychiatrist for me. i feel i need one, only to help me with my anger problems. i seriously don't wanna be going to a doctor for them to tell my something i already know. i'm depressed, but theres nothing i can do about it. its more of a mental thing. i don't want drugs or medicine. especially anti depressants. i just have to want it bad enough for myself, not that i don't want it right now. i will get better, its just a matter of time. anyways, if this compster erases all this stuff, i'm gonna be soooo mad. i have a user name of somebody else with a password so when i get rid of my internet, i can still get on, under somebody elses name. but shhhh, nobody knows, kay? hahaha stupid me i'm posting this thing on the internet, but shhh, nobody's gonna find out....eeeek. i'll get introuble for illegalnesss...yeah, i am a goddess....of ugliness or something. hahaha righto i'm the ANGEL OF DEATH. but anyways. hi mr. Westerholm, if you ever see this. hehehhehe. but anywho, time to go. i love metallica!!! but i think i love rammstein more. oh well. i'm obssesed and proud of it. hi jay! if you ever read this, and hi james, i know you're reading this as i'm typing. hi all of my friends, or so called......yeah, i love ya all...well, i'll write more tomorrow. bye love melchan.
3:2:00 reality
3:2:00 reality
well hey everybody, mel here.i don't have much to say, but good bye too all my good online friends. i'll miss all of you. this feels so weird. i feel like i'm dying. this net is my life. i'm such a pathetic wretch. oh well. i'll live...psh.. yeah right. i feel so lonely lately. and i hate that i can't change that no matter what. its like, i know what would make me feel better, but its only temporary happiness. why do i feel like this? god i wish i could just make all these negative feelings go away, but i can't. i want to jump up and be happy. i wanna live my life being a happy positive person. if i could say one thing that everyone has ever thought about me, it would be "Mel, you're so negative all the time. shut up." That is what i wanna change. i wanna change peoples perspectives of me. because i see it myself also. i'm sick of seeing that in me. But..no matter how much i try to change, i just fall back into my gloomy little world of misery. but oh well....yeah. well, my mom is nagging at me to get offline. see this is why i want a new password that nobody knows, so they can never get on. its just me me me. well nighters.
3:3:00 stalling for time
3:3:00 stalling for time
hey silly peeps. believe it or not, i may just keep my internet after all. my sis offered to pay for half. but i still don't know if i wanna keep it or not. the price isn't all of it. this monster box stresses me out. and considering i have to pay for it and everybody else makes me get off it for em, theres no point. i'm sick of being taken advantage of. i just dyed my hair. its burgandy, or however you spell it. well...i was gonna dye it black, but they didn't have the color i wanted. one of these days i'm gonna bleach my hair, bleach blonde, and then keep that for a couple days and then i'll dye it lilac. its like a metallic light purple. whoo hoo!!! heres to you jay!! for you pink hair!! well, i'm gonna do a clean up on my icq. get rid of everyone i don't talk to. i think right now i have exactly 69 people. i had like 200 and then i deleted everyone.....well i'm done. i guess i should go.. so have a great evening. bye bye
3:4:00 its swell
3:4:00 swell
Do you ever remember odd things from your childhood? just like completely unusual things that have nothing to do with your every day life? Well i have a bunch of different vivid memories. and they all are the same. sort of..anyways, when i was a little girl, my mom was really sick for a long time, and i was like 3 and i used to go talk to her when she was in bed. i'd ask her to get up and eat breakfast with me. and she didn't feel good. and i would always say i dont' like to eat alone....but i always ended up eating alone. thats one of the memories i have. i also remember i would go in my moms room and ask her questions and she would mumble. i wouldn't be able to understand her..it was just mumbling. Whats really confusing, is i still hear her mumbling when i'm alone. every morning, when i get out of the shower, i hear it. and it won't go away. i always hear her calling my name too, and i open the door and ask her what, and she says she didn't say anything. I saw a play last night...it was sooo incredibly gay! i'm making another page. if you want to check it out, gohere. There was something else i was going to share with you all...but i can't remember it. i had to help a lot of scary people today.... a lot of them were cross eyed and they confused me....well g'night.
3:5:00 my tummyache
3:5:00 my tummyache
my tummy hurts. :( yeah i know you dont' care. HERO OF THE DAY. i like that song for some reason. you have to read this storry its hella tight.
.::r.a.m.m.s.t.e.i.n::.
We were on our way to see them. Our idols, our gods. We worshiped the ground they walked on and nearly sold our souls to some guy on the street for the tickets. Rammstein was in town and we were on our way to see them…live, in concert. We could hardly believe it.
We drove from our quaint little town of Marysville all the way to Defiance to see them. Our friend Matt drove us, a mistake on my part. We could have died the way he weaved in and out of what he deemed "slow traffic". I made a mental note to myself for me to drive us home.
My friend Mel and I were the only two out of our group of 5 with backstage passes. I looked at her squished in the middle of the back seat. She was still staring at the tickets, as if she had to memorize every detail and burn it into her memory. I couldn't blame her. This was the biggest event in our lives. I however kept a level head and concentrated on the backstage passes.
Jay and James thought we were ridiculous, but dared not to tell us. We were top cats, and having those ticked made us just that. The car was silent, but the Herzeleid album blared in our ears. Mel was dreaming of Oliver Riedel, the base guitarist, and I could almost see the drool seeping from her mouth. But of course, she kept a little composure. She wouldn't want those tickets ruined.
I passed my time thinking of all the fire and theatrics the band would be using, anxious to see if Till lindemann really lit himself on fire. I didn't doubt him in the least. Closing my eyes I could already see them beginning to play. I opened them again when I remembered the "büch dich" act. It had gotten them in jail last year. I wondered if they would try it again.
I looked at James. Unlike Mel, he really was drooling. I had a hard time imagining it was over 6 bare chested Germans, so I told myself he was thinking about Cheetoes. God I hope he was thinking about cheetos.
I didn't even bother with Jay and Matt. I knew Matt was busy road raging while Jay thought of new ways to kill himself. (Not that he would ever go though with it.) It was just getting Dark when we pulled into the Rose Garden, and though we were 5 hours early, we could already hear the sounds of Engel, Bestrafe mich, and Spiel mit mir. This was only the beginning.
--asche
that was sooo hella cool!!!!! i can totally see myself doing that. whooo hoooooo i would give my left nut to write like that. well i would if i had one anyways. mine got chopped off.... not really... i'm a chick remember? God you peeps are sooo gullable... or however you spell it. its 12:20 in the morning, my mom had been gone for 4 hours and when she left she said she'd be right back. so i couldn't go anywhere cause my dad said i'd have to check with my mom. how incredibly gay... well i'm goin to denny's in 10 minutes. don't worry peeps i'll be on till at least 4.. well that is as soon as i get back. i'm listening to no leaf clover. its my fave!!! i don't know why i write all this stuff.... nobody's gonna read it. hey, i should catigorize this shite... whatta ya think? okay. i'll do it. it'll take me a while though oh well. see ya later peeps.
3:9:00 owwie
3:9:00 owwie
well hello my faithful followers, my comrades... yeah. sorry,(i know you don't care)i haven't written in... 3 days. i've been gone.. i went to corvallis tuesday and wenesday.. or however you spell it. god its like 3-4 hour bus ride. grrrr. and guess who got stuck with the exaust going up her nose the whole entire trip? thats right peeps, it was someone else. ahhahhaha. actually it was me.. i was the poor lil white trash girl. actually i chose to sit in the very back. and the exaust fumes came through my window and surrounded me and i took in deep breaths to try and not waste any. hahahhaha. yeah...and i'm supposed to be going back tomorrow and staying the night there. its for the girls basketball game.. blah blah blah.... i'm sooo tired. i slept all day, and i haven't been to school in a while. i guess i'm dropping out soon... i'm thinking tomorrow, but i keep stalling for time. my mom is always saying how bout we pull you out tomorrow. hey, i came up with a new plan for my life. i'm going to go to a community college and become a mechanic. whoo hoooo. yeah... that'll be pretty cool. i'm sooo tired. i had the worst anxiety attack today.. i won't tell you why. but yeah. and i'm miserable. i'm not sure if its an anxiety attack or an emotional break down or whatever. my back is killing me. i went to the beach today. first time in like a year or more. it was kinda fun. the weather was great. and i just walked. yeah... anyways. i think i don't really have much else to say. but i'm tired of everything. i'm worn out. i kept getting back pains every which way i moved... sorry that prolly didn't make any sense to you's guys. but oh well. thats me for ya. well i'll catcha's lata. bye. love melchan
3:10:00 nyah
3:10:00 nyah
God i spent soooo much money today. ya know, i haven't been to school in like a week. and i gotta make this quick cause i gotta go to work. you think i wouldn't have him unless i could have him by the balls...good song. by ani defranco. anyways...i hung out with my sista's friend. and yeah... i'm tired. and i just wanna go back to bed. yeah anywho... i meet like all these peeps online and they're like tell me about yourself. such as what do you look like and crap like that.. anyways, i send them to my homepage.. this one obviously.. but its weird because this like pretty much tells who i am, what i look like and what i'm like. but i know peeps don't wanna read all this crap, believe me i wouldn't wanna either. but thats besides the point. anyways, these lil entry's just like give you a piece of my mind, my personality, and my life. i don't hide that much..... okay i do, but i'm sure none of y'alls can tell. oh Bloody hell!!! i have five minutes to get to work. i'll catcha's alls lata. i'll put more in when i get back at like 10. see ya's
3:11:00 Kendra's b-day
3:11:00 Kendra's b-day
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday kendra, happy birthday to you. actually its not till tomorrow, so maybe i'll just save it. nah. its okay. i'll just write it again tomorrow. not like she'll ever read it. i don't think she even knows i have a page. oh well... i'm a poor lil white trash girl. haha not really. i'm a poor lil mixed nationality girl. hahahha yeah... i have a lot of races. i found out some new ones, i don't think i wrote em in at home. but i'm danish, and Polish. and swedish.. and yeah.. whoo hooo. yeah anywho. aww, isn't this sweet. my brother is serenading me with his gituar playing... or at least trying to. hahahha seranading makes it sound like insest. okay nevermind. he's sitting by me trying to "jam" or whatever. hahahha yeah.. dude, why are people soo stupid? its like people ask me on icq a/s/l. i don't know about you guys, but i have my a/s/l listed in my info.... why don't they check first. grrrr. how stupid is that? well yeah... anyways. i pack fudge baby yeah. whoo hoo. hahha... anyways... its time for me to log off this entry port thingy.... right. talk to yas all later by love melchan
3:13:00 lame-o
3:13:00 lame-o
i stayed at Asche's house last night. And didn't get enough sleep. i had a research paper due, but i never did it. I hope she wasn't mad... yeah right. I got my paper for my junior research paper. and i'm doin it on How music doesn't affect how people act in most cases and stuff like that... yeah... anyways i'm writing a story about two gay guys, and its pretty cool. :) i took a test for depression on the net, and i'm not sure if i believe what they say. look i'll post it.
You responded in a way that indicates severe depressive symptoms. I strongly recommend that you go to see your physician as soon as you can.
These are the depressive symptoms of moderate or severe intensity that this test detected:
Depressed mood (e.g., feeling sad or empty, crying)
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all activities
Insomnia or hypersomnia
Psychomotor agitation or retardation
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
Somatic complaints
Depression is treatable and the success rate is very high. You may feel now that every day is a struggle, but I promise that it will get better. After some time, facing another day will become easier, and gradually you will find joy again. Please, see a doctor; you really do not need to suffer this way. Remember, depression is a medical problem and it is not ''just in your head.'' It is not something you did, you are not being punished, and it is not your fault. You don't deserve to suffer, no matter how badly you feel about yourself right now. There is help, so please, go and get it.
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Diagnostic criteria
Below, you will find out whether you appear to fulfill the diagnostic criteria for a depressive illness, as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder - Forth edition, or DSM-IV (APA, 1994). These criteria are stricter than the ones used above, meaning that mild or moderate depression may not be detected using strictly the DSM-IV criteria. If no diagnosis is detected here, but we told you before that there is some trouble, ignore the absence of diagnosis and see your physician anyway.
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You appear to meet the diagnostic criteria of a major depressive episode. This condition is characterized by the presence (most of the day, nearly every day) of five or more depressive symptoms for a period of at least 2 weeks. If you had more than two such episodes in your life with at least 2 symptom-free months in between, you might suffer from so-called Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder (APA, 1994).
Please, note that this diagnosis is tentative and may or may not be confirmed by a psychiatrist or psychologist based on a clinical interview and in-depth evaluation. You certainly have the symptoms that we name here but this inventory does not sufficiently assess their frequency and intensity. We strongly recommend that you make an appointment and see a mental health professional as soon as possible. You may want to try St-John's Wort (you can find it in your local pharmacy, health food store or you can order it from many sites on the WWW), but we do NOT recommend that you take it instead of going to see a qualified professional. St-John's Wort is a natural remedy with mild antidepressant properties and very few side effects (as with other serotonin-acting agents, some people experience erectile or orgasmic dysfunctions), but it may not be strong enough to treat your condition.
The following are the depressive symptoms severe enough to require prompt medical attention. There might be less symptoms here than in the list above. That is not an error; it is the result of stricter criteria applied in the evaluation of the symptoms below.
Depressed mood (e.g., feeling sad or empty, crying)
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all activities
Insomnia or hypersomnia
Psychomotor agitation or retardation
Fatigue or loss of energy
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
I personally think its a mental problem.... but i think i'll do what they say to do... yeah if ya wanna go there go tobored.com. yeah its pretty cool. i got the pics from Conan O'brian. they're soo funny. i was thinking about putting some on here. but i didn't know if I should. I'll probably put up like 5 pics. like one for each of the members in my family. then i'll really have a disfunctional fam. actually i have one pic that i was using for me on my other page. yeah well anyways. i'm about to faint from being soo tired. well i'll letcha all go. bye bye, love mel
3:15:00 heeelo
3:15:00 heeelo
hey my faithful worshipers. how does it go? yeh well, i'm just writing to say hello... and i'm very very tired. mm hmm yeah well. okay bye bye. i have nothing to say for today. no little anecdotes. :) sorry
3:16:00 bad bad day
3:16:00 bad bad day
lame lame day. since i haven't been to school i've missed soo much work. which reminds me. i have lots of homework. i had 3 tests one of which i know i passed... but thats all. i struggled in geometry when i usually do really good. but i passed a test finally in algebra 2. i was pretty stoked about that. yea know. i'm reminded of a time when a stupid wench at our school was going around talking to classes about graduating or something and she kept saying my dears. aaaahh!! i hate that!!!!!!!!! she's a stupid stupid person.. kind of. but yeah, i guess she's supposed to be my counsilor at school hahha. i'll spit in her ugly face. not really. i have more respect that that. well... most of the time. anyways... i'm really tired. and i'm listening to the remix of heartbreaker. i dont' care for mariah carey, but i love this song. i love da brat and missy elliott. missy misdemeanor.. or something. Why are guys so stupid thats what i wanna know? well i just learned something new. FTW... cool cool. hmmm,,, asche i am wondering if you signed my guestbook again? if you didn't. i'm still winning. hope i don't have to write more. i can't think of anything else. well i'll talk to you faithful peeps later. bye love melchan
3:17:00 st. day, pinch me
3:17:00 st. day, pinch me
yeah stupid imature peeps. pinch me i didn't wear green. how gay. thats like sooo kindergarden. i remember back in the day, i wore a dress and a boy pinched my butt really really hard cause i wasn't wearing green. thats all i remember. but ever since then i hit people who pinch me for it. God i want to go to the club tonight. too many hot guys out to choose from... yeah right like i'd get one. oh well. i am reading the most depressing book. i started reading the yellow raft on blue water. i have never been more depressed in my life. how sick is that? i didn't even get it when i read it. something like a priest masterbates on the chicks leg.... i didn't even catch that. dude, i would have kicked in right in the ass. nasty boy!!!! "you think i wouldn't have unless i could have him by the balls" i'm no heroine dammit! gotta go. have to clean the freaking kitchen. grrrr. yeah bye meanie buckets
3:19:00 :)
3:19:00 :)
I remember the way you'd look at me with your beautiful green eyes. The way you used to light your cigarette and smoke it down to the filter and ask me if i wanted it. I remember the way you used to kiss me, and touch my face so gently. The way you used to pinch my chin but not enough to hurt. I remember mostly the way you were there for me whenever i needed you. The way you used to want to kill whoever got in my way or hurt me. The way you never wanted me to go or leave you. I treated you like crap and i didn't deserve you. I loved you, but i was unable to show it. I am unable to show my affection or how i feel about you. I understand why you left me. You left with no good bye's no explanation. You found someone much better, which is good. Someone to show you their love and affection. I stood you up over half the times we planned to spend together. I cheated on you with the guy you hated most. I now understand why you cheated on me, but you never told me. I had my ways of finding out. I can understand why you're gay now. But thats okay. I now understand why you lied to me as much as you did. I look back and wish i could change the way i was to you. I wish i could love you and be with you. Having you around was the highlight of my ..... life. I don't know anymore if you were lying when you told me you loved me back. But you stuck around for awhile. longer than any one else ever have. and i just wasn't used to it. It was too good, that it couldn't have been true, and that is what i was scared of. I guess i was right. but i never did prevent myself of being hurt by you. I love you and i always will.
melissah
3:20:00 broken down palace
3:15:00 broken down palace
i started to watch that movie... but decided to go home instead. i'm very very bored. and theres a lot of hot guys down town. I got a free pass last night from the dj at the club. they only made 4 and i got one.. yeah. it was cool. i met a really hot guy. and he was sweet at that too. now theres something new. i've never met a guy that has both. my brothers not home and i was hoping we could hang out tonight. God i'm soo tired. maybe i'll just go to bed. i did absolutely nothing today. i was sooo extremely bored. i had two ice cream cones today. i'm getting so incredibly fat. its not fair!!!! i guess its time to throw everything up. sounds great to me. i could never do that to myself though. thats not cool at all. well i'm off to go rent a movie. see ya laters. bye, love mel chan
happy birthday jay!!!
3:21:00 titles, titles, titles
3:21:00 titles, titles, titles
hello hello. i'm rather tired. its actually two o two am. i got home a lil less than an hour ago. but technically its wensday... yes i get my pay check today!! whoo hoooo. i hope i get a lot!!! i can't spend any of it till the first. gonna go shopping. yay. its about time. i'm gonna find some pleather pants. some black ones. yeah... god i should go to bed soon ya know? i went and saw erin brockavich today. it was really good. it was better than i had expected. God that guy i met on Sunday was soo hot. oh and good god. i saw the dj. the really really hot dj. oh and did i mention he was hot? hmm, i must have left that out. well i'll tell you right now. this guy was sooo gorgeous. yeah anyways. now that i've made a mess. i guess i should go before someone makes me clean it up. ahhahah j/k. well talk to ya's all later. bye love mel chan
3:24:00 thank you
3:24:00 thank you
ummm hi. i have to work ..i mean i had to work today. and i'm tired now. i went to the club and it sucked really bad. whoops. anyways..... yeah it was a gip and a waste of money. yeah well... bye
3:25:00 bad bad bad ... day, ooh ya make me feel so good..
3:25:00 bad bad bad ... day, ooh ya make me feel so good..
thanks everybody who sent me a card and gave me a present. :) other than that...i had a pretty boring day. i was kinda expectin somepin else..oh well... no biggy. i met a really cute guy though today. it was cool. :) hahaha. yeah, i played like 4 games of pool with him, and only one once. :) but i have a feeling he let me win. oh well.... can't win em all. infact i can't win any of them.. but i guess i had a pretty good day. thanks everybody. :) my cake was soooo gooood. oh by the way people, if you didn't know... today was my b-day. :) well talk to you's all later. bye love melchan
3:28:00 whoo hoooooooo
3:28:00 whoo hoooooooo
school was rather interesting today. i don't know why. but it was. i tried sim safari today. its cool.. well considering i'm intulectually inferior. hope i spelt those words right. :( well anyways. i'll talk to y'alls l8a. bye love mellli
3:29:00 ohhh yeah!
3:29:00 ohhh yeah!
guess what i did today! i went to the dentist and he had to put me under twice because he kept having to shoot me up. it was soooo awesome. this time i made sure i didn't talk. :) so i was nice. :)i got two cd's umm two days ago. i got destiny's child and Eve. yay! but the Eve cd is sooo lame. i got it for the song what y'all want. but it wasn't on there. it just had the remix. ohhhh welll... gotta take it back. well time for me to go. i started my junior research paper and i'm doing it pretty good... i think.. i hope. the topic is should musicians care what their impact is on their listeners and viewers. i'd have to say i know enough about my topic. i know i'll never pass the class though, cause i didn't do much of my other work. oh well. so...i think i'll check my guestbook and talk to ya's all l8a. bye, mel