Blazing Trails in the Search for True Love

***Choices are what control our direction in life. Here is a non-fictional autobiographical story about the wrong choices, and the right ones along the way***

I wish I could say that life for me has been horrible, but then I'd be wrong, my life Hasn’t been that way, because I have a family that supports me and loves me, or so I’ve been told. But emotionally, my life has been too much chaos. My life to me, are truly a mess, and it’s my entire fault.

My painful life started back when it’s wasn't so disturbed... In first grade There was this girl that liked me very much, and came to my house constantly, asking if I was home and could I come out to play.

This was a little crush, and could have been a positive force in my life, and would do me good in the long run, that is, if I were to accept the request. But I being still in the "coodie" phase of my life, looked at this as an insult and threat, and therefore refused, sometimes while hiding in the bathroom crying to be left alone. That point in my Childhood still haunts me to this day, and it will for years to come, because at that moment I could have changed my attitude towards life, to reach out and meet people, but the bathroom soon taught me that I could hide from the world, and so I became really shy, especially of the opposite sex.

As the years progressed I had ended Up gaining weight as a result of my new found ability to raid the fringe and lack of physical activity, due to shyness and that damn Nintendo! This weight gain had a completely negative effect on everything! I was unhealthy; I was called names at school and as a result of this negative feedback, I developed an anti-social attitude towards others.

When I started fifth grade I began to notice girls, and due to my lack of self-esteem and physical misgivings, I didn't talk to them and thus was ignored. In sixth grade I noticed a girl I had known all my life, and she was and will always be one of the most beautiful creatures on the whole and it weren’t till that moment when I realized how beautiful she was. All of the next two years, she was my object of desire. On many occasions at dances I had asked her to dance, only to be answered with "maybe". This went on for these next two years, and during the second year I was confronted by a girl, who liked me, she was mean and unattractive to me, but due to my low self-image, I figured that I wouldn't get another chance, ever! So despite her bad attitude, psychotic nature, drug usage, sexual over-activity and the nothing but trouble person she was.... I agreed to date her. As proud as I was to have a girlfriend, this turned out to be a wrong decision, her being “experienced” and me still being shy I was obviously too slow for her so she felt it wouldn't work out cause I would engage in these activities, and she referred to me as “tight as a rubberband” so we broke up. This event devastated my desire to date and I remained sexually uninterested till my freshman year. But in the meantime I was always watching, never having the guts to talk to a girl, which left me depressed, also my parents' divorce left me severely apathetic and lonely. So from my eighth grade to my sophomore year I was stuck deep down in a seemly bottomless pit of dispair. But through that time I always looked for that one person that could come shooting out of heaven, to pull me out of my seemingly endless depression.

Eventually after three weeks of my junior year I just kinda snapped out of it, with a “lives too short attitude”. But I know what really pulled me from my emotional hole, her name was Kelly, she was a girl I had known since Kindergarten and all my school life I had watched her grow up with me. So there she sat in one of my classes, it awoken feeling that my first girlfriend Adreana had neutralized four years back in seventh grade... So there I sat, I still remember catching myself staring at her, and admiring Kelly all period long, but still I was the shy litle boy too scared to talk to her, and now more then ever I wish I had talked to her because in the middle of that year, she moved to another school, and I knew I had lost her, I knew I'd see Kelly again, but deep down I knew it would never be the same, ever. I went through something of mourning for the loss, and I know there will always be a piece of my heart missing, but alas life rolled on.

As I started to get over the loss, I met my next girlfriend, Jennie. During the previous year, I had liked this one girl named Kristy, but she was soon dating my cousin, and then when they broke up, I was forced to ignore her to be loyal to my cousin. But I soon started to like her again. Her and I were in a Theatrical play together, and we exchanged flirting bouts, and when I was going to ask her out, her friend, Jennie nosed in and gave me a story about how Kristy was going to use me and doesn't like me, and was just desperate for a boyfriend. Then Jennie told me that she liked me, and then some sob story about how she was abused as a child....So by some sick twist of fate, I ended up dating Jennie rather then Kristy, even though I previously had my eye on Kristy. That relationship lasted for about week and ended when she cheated on me. After the break-up I was issued several unofficial threats on my life by my Jennie, my newly appointed ex-girlfriend.

Then summer came blowing by and when I went to my orientation for the school year I met Heather, and former classmate from the previous year. Her and I hung out I started to get feelings for her, the next two days her and I hung out and I had a lot of fun. When school started her and I hung around each other. I was feeling a positive state of mind, I thought this year was going to be a smooth breeze. But then she started dating someone she knew from the summer, Brandon. Her and I still hung around, and people actually thought Heather and I were dating, and I was so convinced that I had a chance that I hung around her still, perhaps more then usual, hoping that maybe if something were to go wrong with her new found relationship, she'd realized that I cared for her and we would date...My hanging around made life ever so much more worse. Weeks then went by and I went to a party with her, I had a great time with her and then she had been dancing with her friends and I started dancing with someone else, and then I started talking to this named Tiffany, and getting to know her, and since Heather wasn't dancing with me I danced with Tiffany, and when Heather left early I hung around with Tiffany, and at the end of the night I went with friends to take her home, and in the back of the car, I leaned over and kissed her, a move I had been plotting ever since we met, and I was curious as to what would happen. This was the second kiss I’d ever given a girl, my first was with Jennie, but she was a horrible kisser, so she really didn’t kiss back, and I was guts hoping for a positive reaction, which did occur, she kissed me back and so on. When we went to drop her off I went with her. Tiffany and I talked for a while, I was happy, I knew I found someone who found me and we were together, not like the first two where my lack of self-esteem lured me to dispair and rejection… or was it? The next day I went to visit her at her work, we talked and I learned that she was also seeing other guys, I was sad, but I decided that her and I could work it out and I'd rather have someone then no one. So I was dating my third girlfriend. The next Monday at school, I talked to Heather. She knew Tiffany, and expressed her dislike for her in a fit of jealousy that could only be compared to an A-bomb explosion. Later that day because she was upset at her boyfriend, Brandon. I kissed her. It was something that I had wanted to do since the previous year as a junior in our English Class. It was a big triumph and yet an even bigger disaster! Because afterwards she showed me how she REALLY was, a conceded little brat who believes that life is going to be OK as long as she can seduce someone into bailing her out! I began to strongly despise her deep within me...So I didn't talk to her, and she got mad at me and made me feel like the devil merely because I didn't want to talk to her, it was chaos.

Not even a month after we started dating, my girlfriend decided to break it off because she decided to stick to dating one guy, which was a concept I pushed on her, in hopes I’d be that one guy. I was proud of her but sad that I was now going to be lonely and unloved once again...Three weeks later I visited my Tiffany at work and was informed that she intended to break up with her boyfriend. At that point I was happy, cause I really missed her and wanted her back, but then before I could tell her that I wanted get back together she informed me of someone that she was going to start dating, once again, it wasn't me, so I was depressed.

So I moved on… That was January of 2000, as time passed I started to like Heather, but more as a friend, despite the satanic nature she was, she seemed to have changed, and I was more so becoming friends with Brandon.

At my friend’s Going Away party, since I was able to stay the night, I allowed myself to get drunk (well, close to drunk), and I partyed. Heather and Brandon were there, and when Heather left was still there, and got drunk as well. It was odd for me because usually I thought when I was drunk I wouldn’t be able to think straight. But I could think fine, the walking and talking wasn’t perfect though. Unfortunately Brandon was smashed! He couldn’t walk, talk, stand up straight, or think, so even though I was drunk I watched his back and kept him out of trouble, I didn’t hate him, I knew that its not his fault if Heather was a mean to me. While Brandon was intoxicated, my friend Luke’s girlfriend girl was trying to take advantage of the situation. I stepped in to control the problem, so that no one would have any regrets when they woke up. This proved to me, that I was more Brandon’s then his Heather’s. I knew if I would of let him get violated, Heather would hate him and I would have a good chance. But I was apparently over her. I always saw Heather in my classes in my classes and I stopped liking her as a friend because I was tired of and saving her when she was being lazy and needed a good grade.

As spring approached, I saw a girl in my Health class, whom I thought was very cute, and so I began to grow fond of her, I had danced with her at the Winter Formal, and commented her on her eyes. Those where some beautiful eyes! I had planned that I was going make my move by Valentines Day, but on the Wednesday before, I overheard her talking about doing drugs and stuff, which was a complete turn off, so I immediately lost interest, she is still cute though. That Saturday, while cruising with my friends, in my friend Tim’s car we met Megan, on the freeway. She was a really nice girl, and extremely good looking, I got her phone number and look forward to seeing her soon, oh how she was in my dreams, but still out of reach. On Valentines Day I went to see a friend, she was a really sweet girl I knew when I was in 5th grade. Her and I talked, “perhaps this could be a relationship” I had thought to myself…But the stuff with her, soon stopped, her and I really wouldn’t have worked out, and so I stopped…But her and I remained friends.

As time progressed, I decided to post a personal online. This was something I wanted to do for quite a while. Once I did post a personal, I soon I started to meet people, and talk to them... Then I got an email from someone, who at first I just regarded as just another girl, so I put the name on my Buddy list and that was the extent at that point. After some days had passed, she was online, her and I talked. After our first chat she revealed that she was in fact younger then indicated previously...I didn’t mind, and I forgave her, and we spoke some more. Once again I had an E-relationship, which to me isn’t a big deal, but slowly I started to like her. We then started talking on the phone, after that I met her at her house. At first it seemed uncomfortable and odd, but then as the time progresses were comfortable, and two moments in the day I attempted to kiss her, only to be dismissed from it, and I was depressed. I felt that I was not to her expectations and in turn she just wanted me gone…As the visit together ended, I went in to kiss her goodbye, and while this happened I felt her mouth open, an indication to me that she wanted to French kiss me, so I proceeded, and her reaction was one second of going with it then the next second she backed out and almost fell over backwards….I then left feeling that I was too forward an quick and that I messed it up… Then I saw her the following Saturday, and her and I spent the whole day together, Jenna and I had a lot of fun and we kissed often on her couch and did so practically ever chance we get till I left…I know deep in my heart that this one will last, but I feel I need to tread carefully for fear I might mess it up…

Two months later, her and I ended up just seeing eachother for a month and then breaking up because she thought I was getting too serious, and that she wasn’t looking for a relationship anymore. To me that was stupid excuse, because I called her daily to make up for the time we never got to see eachother. Obviously she felt like pushing me away, and so I decided to try to move on, but her and I had agree to go to Prom together both hers and mine. This was just before her birthday, and I learned that at her birthday she was flirting with a bunch of guys. Three weeks before Prom Jenna decided to tell me that I couldn’t go to hers, so in turn I told her she shouldn’t go to my Prom. The weeks that passed, the anger and arguments between her and I because constant, which started when my friend joked with her online, and she took it personally, and I got the earful. So I erased her from my computer and removed her pictures from my wall… It was my only defense from the pain. A week before Prom I went out with friends till four in the morning on a Sunday and when I got home I got a call from a girl, whom I had talked to a couple times on the computer, her name was Jax and she ended up picking me up to take to her house, and from there I was basically pounced upon and after that shock eased out my system, her and I pretty much sat there and kissed, and talked…But I wasn’t attracted to her in any way, in fact in some aspects I was repulsed by her, so when she dropped me off at home I had her take me to the opposite end of where my house was, in order for her not to know where I lived, I really didn’t want to see her again. Two or three days later I ended up talking to her online and she basically told me that I meant a lot to her and she wanted to date me. I tried as hard as I could to let her down easy, but she refused to go by anything but boyfriend and girlfriend, so she got angry and I erased her from my computer, with the prime intent not to hear from her.

Prom came and went, and now it was high time I graduated, I had developed a slight crush on my Prom date, but I decided to inform her about how I felt and then go back to life.

The time up until graduation was pretty dim, I knew I was going to be moving so I didn’t try for any relationships. I met with Megan and her friends a few times before I left. Before I graduated I met two more girls on separate occasions, due to another Personal I had up online. The first girl, Krysten, was very sweet to me and very young. I met her in person and we went to the beach, and we kissed, and held each other. I wished we saw each other more, but distance and time was a huge issue. The second was another Heather who I had known a while ago, but basically she came to my house and we fooled around, that really was too fun, but I wasn’t attracted to her, she was attracted to me. I know this makes me sound like a hypocrite, but I can’t force feelings I don’t have.

On my last day of school, Kristy wrote in my yearbook, and even though I wouldn’t read what she wrote in my yearbook till I got home, something inside me knew what was said, and as her and I talked, courage sprouted up inside me, and as I was about to leave, we hugged, and I then kissed her. After that without giving her time to respond, I left and went home. When I got home I read her yearbook entry, which basically said that she was sorry Jennie got between us.

Then I graduated, and moved to Mission Viejo, and life in my new environment was all about adapting and getting into college so I could get my education, and maybe meet some girls. I came back down to Fountain Valley to see my friends and for my birthday. My friends threw me a bonfire, and a pretty good 99-cent store cake. But I invited my friend Kelli who I met through my friend Nathan, I thought she was very cute, and sweet, so I liked. My friend Dave didn’t know I liked her, so he went with her to get food, and I soon found that Dave and Kelli had made out…When I heard the news, I was at home and I had a nervous breakdown, and freaked out. Yet all my anger disappeared because Dave was like my brother and I shouldn’t be mad at him over a girl. I later told Kelli how I felt, and she didn’t get scared of me, but I knew she didn’t like me that way so I felt like I wouldn’t push my luck, and kept any feelings to myself.

When I went back to Mission Viejo, two people I wanted to never see again resurfaced. Jenna and I had been talking on the phone the previous week nights and I was under the impression that she wanted me back, so I fell for it.but she came to my house and I realized the chemistry was gone… Then Jax called me up, I was in shock that she found me, but it was my mother who gave her my number. She wanted to hang out, and I decided to give her another chance. She picked me up and we went to see a movie…As we were parking the car I suddenly knew I didn’t want to hang out with her. As luck would have it, Nathan was at the Theater, so I basically ditched her, but I wasn’t trying to ditch her, I just went to the movie Nathan was going to see, so she wouldn’t try a move on me. But she left and thus solved my problem, but I felt bad.

College started, I was so lost for the first three weeks, but I soon made friends, mostly the female variety. Through out the summer, I was working. I got a job with my step mom, and was also working with my cousin. Him and I had discussed many things while on break, such as life, love and hobbies. He wanted to go to a theme park, so I convinced him to have us bring dates. I was going to have him ask a friend of Kristys, named Cheryl, but he didn’t have her phone number. So I had to call Kristy to get Cheryl’s number…but after I got the number, Kristy and I got to talking, and she let it slipped that she liked me, and perhaps still does. So now I didn’t know what to do. As far as my date for the Theme park, I was going to bring Kelli from my birthday party. She agreed so I was still trying to convince Adam to call Cheryl, but that wasn’t going to happen… So I talked to Krysten, and planned to go to another theme park, and I organized that Krysten, Adam, Krysten’s friend Candice and I were to go… But I was asked to go to the Homecoming Dance of a high school, so I accepted, and canceled the trip with Krysten. Two days before the Dance, my date canceled. When college started, I started going to a club with Dave and Nathan at least once a week, always attempting to meet women, which we did, but few we ever really got to talk to, well Dave meet some girls, I was still shy. But I did meet a sweet girl, but she had a boyfriend, so I was in dispair. Yet as we danced, she apparently hadn’t dance the way I danced and she had but and her body language showed she liked me, or the dancing, either way we hit it off all right. For the rest of the night, her boyfriend wasn’t an issue, so I assumed she wasn’t happy with him. A week later she came over, and I took her to dinner and we sat under the clouds, but somewhere out there, there were stars. But she went back to her boyfriend and I was once again very saddened, she had made a great impact on me for such a brief time together.

So Now I look back on my life and wish I could go back and make different decisions and better choices. But in this world of phone tag, love notes, arguments and heartbreak; there has to he a happy medium, some middle of the road where we can all be happy. But that’s not likely, life’s crazy, it keeps us all awake and aware. All I can do it go back to life how it is and accept my choice and make the best of the bad. So all I can determine from my life adventures is that I'm either picking the wrong paths...or the wrong people, but at some point I was happy, and after a while I desperatly searched for that one thing in my life that so commonly went wrong, and it took me through some doors I dare not recall out of shame for myself, but I will. I cannot say that feeling that becomeing Mormon was the best way for me to find love, it did, but in a strangly indirect way...

Ever Since I knew Nathan, his religion effected me. In the begining it was an anger over something that I did not understand, and felt was wrong, but later became a friendly understanding of what it mean't to him. As the weeks after the aftermath of Candice, the pain and pity wore off. For some reason, the stupidity I felt about myself, about how I acted with Candice, about how I have acted with all other girls, drove me to seek God. I saw Mormonism as a way to get close to God, Nathan was happy that I found my way, and that I was going to get baptised.Before I could do that, I had to take six lessons from Missionaries and then I could get Baptised, and so I took a lesson a week and was Baptised on Jan 28th, 2001. But while this was happening, me and Jenna started talking again, and on an occasion her and I and Mike and Nate and Billy, hung out. I had no attraction to Jenna any more and I did all this so Nate and Billy and Mike could meet Brooke, Jenna's mormon friend. She was cute and I knew my three mormon friends (mike, nate and billy) would jump at the chance to meet Brooke. Well after the first meeting of all of us, Jenna kissed me. I hated that moment so much, I shutter to think about it, to this very day. Apparently, it was still a good sign, Jenna acually thought that I wanted to get back with her, when my intentions were with Billy and Mike, mostly, Not so much Nate who had a girlfriend. Eventually, Jenna would hate me because I didn't invite her to a Mormon dnace, and I also un-invited her to my Baptism, which wasn't a problem for me, I enjoyed both experences, without her. She hated me and I didn't care. Acually, me and Nate and Billy hung with Brooke on several occasions and didn't tell Jenna, cause she'd make life tourture, but eventually, she did, and then Brooke wouldn't hang out with me, but ofcourse hung out with Billy and Nate.

After my Baptism, I started going to my local church, and I made so many people who acted like my friends. And I started a new job. ( I lost my job with Laura, because Nate didn't FEEL like bringing me home, so I could go to work) So I was working at CopyMax, and made a few professional friends, and a few good friends. A month later (March) I met a girl, who worked at OfficeMax, next door. I unfortunatly didn't take the time I should have, to really get to know her, so small talk and some flirting, I assumed it was harmless, and that she wasn't interested. I can admit my actions were without expectations for sucess. As cute as I thought she was(and sexy) as a mormon, who was I to have such thoughts. AS much as I tryed to lie to myself and say I wasn't interested (to avoid rejection) I quite often found myself scanning the sceduile, looking for the hours Paula worked, and the hours I worked, and a few occasions I planned to visit on days she worked and I didn't, but still managed to swing by. Speaking of "swing" Paula was into swing dancing, and I unfortunatly thought I knew how to swing dance (correctly). She asked me out to go dancing with her, two weeks from then, and I agreed. Then I gave her my number and left to go home. A day or so later she asked if I wanted to go see a show she was doing at Saddleback College a few days from then, and I agreed. That following Thursday, I went to her concert, she was in Percussion, and so I could only assume the loud booms aas being her handy work, the seats were too low for me to see her. Later, she drove me home and we sat in her car to talk, and we talked...and we talked, and the subjects go deeper, and we talked and the subjects got bland. I wait for the "OK, thanks for coming to my concert, goodbye." But at that momment I realized something, she was waiting for me to kiss her, and internally I paniced, and then kinda remembered that many times during our conversation I had the rge to kiss her, but held back because I felt, as a mormon I had to be well behaved. But I kissed her and it felt great. She kissed like I always felt a kiss should feel... it felt good, because I wanted it so much, deep down, and now, I had it and I felt great. After that Paula and I were dating, even though Paula argued that we started dating the momment I accepted the date, when she asked me out the week before. Either way, we were dating. But something slowly creeped into the picture. Her and I both had relationship type issues. Mine took the form of insecurities because of heartbreak and my weight issues. Paula's however took the form of her ex-boyfriend and how through him, she thought thats how relationships were suppose to be. This between her and I got better and better, and I agreed to go with her for a summer in Michigan, to be a camp councilor, she liked the idea, except she told me that her first intention with dating me, was for a quick relationship fix, then she'd dump me and go away to Michigan and San Diego, and never speak to me again. But with me going with her to Michigan, and how close her and I have gotten, thats her predictable plan was disturbed. Her and I went to Michigan on June 3rd, 2001. At that point, problems arose, she suddenly didn't want to be near me, and I was trying to be professional and ended up treating her differently, and so over the Summer Paula and I grew apart, there was a point, in the begining of August, that Paula got mad at me, and that she ave me the impression that she wanted nothing more to do with me, and wanted me gone, and wanted to break up. But she didn't break up until a day after Paula and I got back to California. She broke up with me that night(tuesday), in her car, I can still hear her voice saying thoes words and feel the stillness in the air, the tensing of my body as I fought baqck tears, and the lurching in my stomach as she delivered the bad news, that she wanted to break up with me... For the following two days, I was in an utter depressive slump. The following Friday (or was it Thursday) Paula came over and her and I talked, I just sat there, looking at her, seeing the girl who has left me behind, half in utter saddness and denial, and the other half, full of understanding, and after talking for a while, she and I hugged for a long time, and then she kissed me, and I kissed her, ten we hugged, and she left. I suddenly, after she left felt like this was some game, and that she was giving me false hopes or something, and it made me upset.

The day later I was over her (mostly) and was seeing Becky, and from there, this started to change for me, for the better. I liked Becky, as a friend, or more. Well at that point it was friendly, and I needed her, she helped me get over Paula, without really knowing it. But after a while (three weeks), she decided she wanted to give her ex another chance, and also that her and I weren't working out. Three days later I went to hang out with my friend Miriam, a good friend, she was having troble getting over her ex boyfriend, and so I was there to give her advice, I had gone to see her also because her and I were really close, and any closer and we'd have been dating...but this time, I didn't like her that way, only like a friend, but to me that made me realize that I wasn't deperate and was thinking clearly and logically (Thank Godness).

Well the following day, Paula came over to watch a movie with me. We were apparently keeping a friendly nature about this, but it felt funny...The break up, the kiss and then 3 weeks without seeing her, and her calling me. Also the fact that I dropped about 20 pounds since she last saw me. It was wierd, and I was determined to be friends, and so I watched the movie with her, a calm hour and a half. The movie was predictable and romantically corny (which isn't a terrible thing). After that she wanted to watch another movie, and so I grabbed another one and we watched it. Slowing she held my hand, and I held hers. I made no thought to it, I convinced myself that it was friendly, and so I continued watching the movie, and holdhing her hand. Then a few minutes later, she was caressing my cheek, and I made no mention and not advances. I was still under the impression that she might be trying to toy with me emotions, so everything she did, I gave it a non romantic mental note. Then she kissed my hand and I started to think, what the heck was going on, and I was confused. After the movie was done she sat next to me and kissed me, and I kissed her back, and I remembered how good kissing Paula felt. When I had kissed Becky a week before, I was expecting too much, because I was expecting Paula. But now I had Paula and that moment mean't a lot to me. But still what remained was the deep confusion about what the heck was happening. After that, we finally got back together, after a week or more of discussing how we felt.

The thing that made being with Paula so much easyer was that her and I had both changed. And we did a great amount of talking. I was no longer Mormon. The past Summer I had given my religion lots of thought, and felt it was not for me any more...I asked God to help me find a girl to love. He led me to Mormonism, and because of being mormon I became closer to God and I gained a better and stronger feeling of self. This was why I was able to talk to Paula, but thats not the only good that came out of being Mormon, but its all I can recall. Eventually there came the time, that I had (chose) to abandon mormonism, for a religion that I could have a firm belief in.

It was known, before Paula and I originally broke up, before Michigan, that Paula was going to live and go to school in San Diego, which was an hour and a half drive from Mission Viejo. But after we were apart for thoes three weeks when we were broken up, Paula saw the truth of the matter. Mainly Paula saw how much easiar the journey two and from San Diego would be. As for myself, I experenced the train and also the ease of traveling to San Diego, by rail. This eliminated Paula's main reason for breaking up with me. This main reason for the break up, was fueled by her experence with a previous relationship, in which she was seperated from her significant other at the time, by distance.

Since Paula and I have gotten back together, our relationship has seemed to gain rapidly in strength in the right direction. This gain of strength has been such a blessing, but at the same time, a reason to be cautious. As much as I have come to realize that Paula shown herself to be "the One," I am indeed too young (as is Paula) to be considering marrage or children. So until I am old enough, and able to provide for a family, I have no reason to consider either, just focus on my time with Paula, as my girlfriend, and only that, for right now.

As I write my little story, it’s endless to me, I must constantly add as events happen, change opions based on facts exposed. Many events have yet to be explained in detail or explained at all. Perhaps one day I can get this published.

--------Last Updated 10/20/2001--------