January 2003 To April 2003
At Some point between these times, I began to see things, well not literally, but as far as seeing little things that were always there, but I chose to remain ignorant to... What I mean is that I saw a different Paula, one that was mean, insecure, insensitive, judgemental, harsh, and all around NOT a nice person. In retrospective I should have seen it, but I let my unwillingness to let a relationship fail, for the sake of trial and error. My reasons was that I wanted to succeed where my parents failed in their relationship. But overtime I saw where my path truly was! I realized, by letting myself ignore Paula's hostile behavior, I was just setting a ticking timebomb for my furture self, which would lead to a filed relationship, like my parents'.Thankfully I was able to see the hole in the boat before it left the harbor.
Because of Paula's insecurities I was unable to keep female friends (who were acually decent looking) for fear of being accused of being unfaithful. But as I saw the problem relationship I was in, I got more and more willing to bend the rules with no fear of ticking off Paula, because I just stopped caring what anal-retentive little Paula felt about me having female friends, Heck! She had male friends, lots of them, and I trusted her enough, even though she ALWAYS spoke of who liked her...acually, once Paula met this guy, and she was SO Convinced that he liked her, so much that she started letting our relationship seem in jeapordy! Well I am still laughing, because as convinced as she was, the guy was GAY...Like I said, I am still laughing. Anyways, in April after I had seem enough, and had been treated bad enough (She used to insult me in movie lines in front of total strangers) I had enough! I called her and broke up with (dumped) her. That night, when I was at my friend Tim's house...she drove 80 plus miles to my house (She lived in San Diego, for college) and was waiting on my door step...That night I took her back..the next moring I dumped her again. It was then I realized how I still needed to work on my ability to stand my ground. A couple days later I met Lydia. She was a totally different person and I loved that about her, she wasthis new breed of person that I had never met before, her and I started going out quite often (non-romantically... I think, we never kissed, but we held hands) and she is who I keep refering to as "her" in the next entry. But as far as Paula..in order to keep from getting back with Paula, I shut her out...I had to, for the sake of me being able to move on.
May 31, 2003
May 31, 2003It's 5 minutes Shy of the start of June '03....I am apparently starting this new month a single man... I am single (apparently), but I feel less like a man. For the past 4-5 days I have been ignoring my girlfriend, reason I cannot fathom I was so blunt as to think such was a worthy practice. I honestly don't know what was driving me to shut her out like that. It is pure insanity, almost as if these months of joking about having a split personality has come back to chomp me in the rear-end. I sit her missing my girlfriend and the sorrow and shame brews inside of me. I have called just about everyone in my phone's directory and yet I remain her alone and dreading the demons that a Sunday afternoon at CompUSA will spawn. I can forecast the next 8 weeks as if they were neatly typed in a TV Guide in front of me. I will work and slave. I will feel alone and I was weep. I will curse and I will swear when events bring more tension than my body cares to endure and I will lie awake at night counting the stripes on my wall paper and when I think my mind will give way to the darkness of insanity and depression... "She" will call... No, not Paula my apparent former girlfriend, but another... She and I have been friends for well over a month and it is her that I find temporary relief from sorrow and responsibility, she whom when loneliness tries to bury my below, it is her that I call in hopes of spending just a little time with her, nothing personal or romantic, but time that I crave from another human being, or at least that of the female gender. I have often taken myself aside and questioned if I fancied her. Perhaps I did, and it was merely a secret that one person hides from another, but one would assume living under the same cranium that secrets would be impossible. Apparently they found a way. It is not unheard of for me to consider her very attractive and things about her excite me, but not the kind of excitement that one might grasp from perversions, but the excitement of visiting someone whose essence makes the most boring trips to Dennys, a pleasurable interlude between the bitter and sour acts of life. She smokes and she goes through men like I go through cups of coffee. But I exist as her friend and she is indeed a friend of mine, attraction aside. Yet, any feelings I might expose are pointless because she is a friend of mine and I'd rather die than risk an injury to such a relationship, or worst of all, come off as a "common fella." You know the kind, cannot get along with a woman unless it ends up a notch on the bed post. I shutter at the thoughts of such vulgar practices, but they do exist. I often question if I was supposed to turn out that way and I was merely absent the day they handed out the insensitive male ego. Worse off, I get counted out as someone who is too in touch with their feminine side, that's hardly me, I cannot stand lace and the color pink. Anyway, "she" thinks me as a friend and I do not find that fault worthy, but in my loneliness I consider two days without hearing from her or hanging out with her as an eternity in despair. Then I reach a point where I feel because she doesn't return my phone calls, that I am worth nothing to her, and so I don't bother calling her and then a day or so later, after I sworn that she'll never call me and that I was just "filler," she'll call me and then everything gets smoothed over. I am back to wanting to hang out with her and feeling insecure when I don't hear from her, this insanity I think I can do without, and so I need to learn to cope. More or less this emptiness I have felt between Paula and I has probably been what has made it difficult from me to not bear to be without direct contact with "her." But it is all this that can assume will be the repetition of my weeks soon to pass. Loneliness is when you don't have anyone to share the misery of your boredom with.