Chapter 3- Paula, Michigan, Paula

I started a new job. ( I lost my job with Laura, because Nate didn't FEEL like bringing me home, so I could go to work) So I was working at CopyMax, and made a few professional friends, and a few good friends. A month later (March) I met a girl, who worked at OfficeMax, next door. I unfortunatly didn't take the time I should have, to really get to know her, so small talk and some flirting, I assumed it was harmless, and that she wasn't interested. I can admit my actions were without expectations for sucess. As cute as I thought she was(and sexy) as a mormon, who was I to have such thoughts. AS much as I tryed to lie to myself and say I wasn't interested (to avoid rejection) I quite often found myself scanning the sceduile, looking for the hours Paula worked, and the hours I worked, and a few occasions I planned to visit on days she worked and I didn't, but still managed to swing by. Speaking of "swing" Paula was into swing dancing, and I unfortunatly thought I knew how to swing dance (correctly). She asked me out to go dancing with her, two weeks from then, and I agreed. Then I gave her my number and left to go home. A day or so later she asked if I wanted to go see a show she was doing at Saddleback College a few days from then, and I agreed. That following Thursday, I went to her concert, she was in Percussion, and so I could only assume the loud booms aas being her handy work, the seats were too low for me to see her. Later, she drove me home and we sat in her car to talk, and we talked...and we talked, and the subjects go deeper, and we talked and the subjects got bland. I wait for the "OK, thanks for coming to my concert, goodbye." But at that momment I realized something, she was waiting for me to kiss her, and internally I paniced, and then kinda remembered that many times during our conversation I had the rge to kiss her, but held back because I felt, as a mormon I had to be well behaved. But I kissed her and it felt great. She kissed like I always felt a kiss should feel... it felt good, because I wanted it so much, deep down, and now, I had it and I felt great. After that Paula and I were dating, even though Paula argued that we started dating the momment I accepted the date, when she asked me out the week before. Either way, we were dating. But something slowly creeped into the picture. Her and I both had relationship type issues. Mine took the form of insecurities because of heartbreak and my weight issues. Paula's however took the form of her ex-boyfriend and how through him, she thought thats how relationships were suppose to be. This between her and I got better and better, and I agreed to go with her for a summer in Michigan, to be a camp councilor, she liked the idea, except she told me that her first intention with dating me, was for a quick relationship fix, then she'd dump me and go away to Michigan and San Diego, and never speak to me again. But with me going with her to Michigan, and how close her and I have gotten, thats her predictable plan was disturbed. Her and I went to Michigan on June 3rd, 2001. At that point, problems arose, she suddenly didn't want to be near me, and I was trying to be professional and ended up treating her differently, and so over the Summer Paula and I grew apart, there was a point, in the begining of August, that Paula got mad at me, and that she ave me the impression that she wanted nothing more to do with me, and wanted me gone, and wanted to break up. But she didn't break up until a day after Paula and I got back to California. She broke up with me that night(tuesday), in her car, I can still hear her voice saying thoes words and feel the stillness in the air, the tensing of my body as I fought baqck tears, and the lurching in my stomach as she delivered the bad news, that she wanted to break up with me... For the following two days, I was in an utter depressive slump. The following Friday (or was it Thursday) Paula came over and her and I talked, I just sat there, looking at her, seeing the girl who has left me behind, half in utter saddness and denial, and the other half, full of understanding, and after talking for a while, she and I hugged for a long time, and then she kissed me, and I kissed her, ten we hugged, and she left. I suddenly, after she left felt like this was some game, and that she was giving me false hopes or something, and it made me upset.

The day later I was over her (mostly) and was seeing Becky, and from there, this started to change for me, for the better. I liked Becky, as a friend, or more. Well at that point it was friendly, and I needed her, she helped me get over Paula, without really knowing it. But after a while (three weeks), she decided she wanted to give her ex another chance, and also that her and I weren't working out. Three days later I went to hang out with my friend Miriam, a good friend, she was having troble getting over her ex boyfriend, and so I was there to give her advice, I had gone to see her also because her and I were really close, and any closer and we'd have been dating...but this time, I didn't like her that way, only like a friend, but to me that made me realize that I wasn't deperate and was thinking clearly and logically (Thank Godness).

Well the following day, Paula came over to watch a movie with me. We were apparently keeping a friendly nature about this, but it felt funny...The break up, the kiss and then 3 weeks without seeing her, and her calling me. Also the fact that I dropped about 20 pounds since she last saw me. It was wierd, and I was determined to be friends, and so I watched the movie with her, a calm hour and a half. The movie was predictable and romantically corny (which isn't a terrible thing). After that she wanted to watch another movie, and so I grabbed another one and we watched it. Slowing she held my hand, and I held hers. I made no thought to it, I convinced myself that it was friendly, and so I continued watching the movie, and holdhing her hand. Then a few minutes later, she was caressing my cheek, and I made no mention and not advances. I was still under the impression that she might be trying to toy with me emotions, so everything she did, I gave it a non romantic mental note. Then she kissed my hand and I started to think, what the heck was going on, and I was confused. After the movie was done she sat next to me and kissed me, and I kissed her back, and I remembered how good kissing Paula felt. When I had kissed Becky a week before, I was expecting too much, because I was expecting Paula. But now I had Paula and that moment mean't a lot to me. But still what remained was the deep confusion about what the heck was happening. After that, we finally got back together, after a week or more of discussing how we felt.

The thing that made being with Paula so much easyer was that her and I had both changed. And we did a great amount of talking. I was no longer Mormon. The past Summer I had given my religion lots of thought, and felt it was not for me any more...I asked God to help me find a girl to love. He led me to Mormonism, and because of being mormon I became closer to God and I gained a better and stronger feeling of self. This was why I was able to talk to Paula, but thats not the only good that came out of being Mormon, but its all I can recall. Eventually there came the time, that I had (chose) to abandon mormonism, for a religion that I could have a firm belief in.

It was known, before Paula and I originally broke up, before Michigan, that Paula was going to live and go to school in San Diego, which was an hour and a half drive from Mission Viejo. But after we were apart for thoes three weeks when we were broken up, Paula saw the truth of the matter. Mainly Paula saw how much easiar the journey two and from San Diego would be. As for myself, I experenced the train and also the ease of traveling to San Diego, by rail. This eliminated Paula's main reason for breaking up with me. This main reason for the break up, was fueled by her experence with a previous relationship, in which she was seperated from her significant other at the time, by distance.

Since Paula and I have gotten back together, our relationship has seemed to gain rapidly in strength in the right direction. This gain of strength has been such a blessing, but at the same time, a reason to be cautious. As much as I have come to realize that Paula shown herself to be "the One," I am indeed too young (as is Paula) to be considering marrage or children. So until I am old enough, and able to provide for a family, I have no reason to consider either, just focus on my time with Paula, as my girlfriend, and only that, for right now.

Previous Page

Next Page