My painful life started back when it’s wasn't so disturbed... In first grade There was this girl that liked me very much, and came to my house constantly, asking if I was home and could I come out to play.
This was a little crush, and could have been a positive force in my life, and would do me good in the long run, that is, if I were to accept the request. But I being still in the "coodie" phase of my life, looked at this as an insult and threat, and therefore refused, sometimes while hiding in the bathroom crying to be left alone. That point in my Childhood still haunts me to this day, and it will for years to come, because at that moment I could have changed my attitude towards life, to reach out and meet people, but the bathroom soon taught me that I could hide from the world, and so I became really shy, especially of the opposite sex.
As the years progressed I had ended
Up gaining weight as a result of my new found ability to raid the fringe and lack
of physical activity, due to shyness and that damn Nintendo! This weight gain had a completely negative effect on everything! I was unhealthy; I was called names at school and as a result of this negative feedback, I developed an anti-social attitude towards others.
When I started fifth grade I began to notice girls, and due to my lack of self-esteem and physical misgivings, I didn't talk to them and thus was ignored. In sixth grade I noticed a girl I had known all my life, and she was and will always be one of the
most beautiful creatures on the whole and it weren’t till that moment when I realized how beautiful she was. All of the next two years, she was my object of desire. On many occasions at dances I had asked her to dance, only to be answered with "maybe". This went on for these next two years, and during the second year I was confronted by a girl, who liked me, she was mean and unattractive to me, but due to my low self-image, I figured that I wouldn't get another chance, ever! So despite her bad attitude, psychotic nature, drug usage, sexual over-activity and the nothing but trouble person she was.... I agreed to date her. As proud as I was to have a girlfriend, this turned out to be a wrong decision, her being “experienced” and me still being shy I was obviously
too slow for her so she felt it wouldn't work out cause I would engage in these
activities, and she referred to me as “tight as a rubberband” so we broke up. This event devastated my desire to date and I remained sexually uninterested till my freshman year. But in the meantime I was always watching, never having the guts to talk to a girl, which left me depressed, also my parents' divorce left me severely apathetic and lonely. So from my eighth grade to my sophomore year I was stuck deep down in a seemly bottomless pit of dispair. But through that time I always looked for that one person that could come shooting out of heaven, to pull me out of my seemingly endless depression.
Eventually after three weeks of my junior year I just kinda snapped out
of it, with a “lives too short attitude”.
But I know what really pulled me from my emotional
hole, her name was Kelly, she was a girl I had known since Kindergarten and all my school life I had watched her
grow up with me. So there she sat in one of my classes, it awoken feeling that my first
girlfriend Adreana had neutralized four years back in seventh grade... So there I sat, I still remember catching myself staring at her, and admiring Kelly
all period long, but still I was the shy litle boy too scared to talk to her, and now more
then ever I wish I had talked to her because in the middle of that year, she moved to
another school, and I knew I had lost her, I knew I'd see Kelly again, but deep down I knew it would
never be the same, ever. I went through something of mourning for the loss, and I
know there will always be a piece of my heart missing, but alas life rolled on.
As I started to get over the loss, I met my next girlfriend, Jennie. During the previous year, I had liked this one girl named Kristy, but she was soon dating my cousin, and then when they broke up, I was forced to ignore her to be loyal to my cousin. But I
soon started to like her again. Her and I were in a Theatrical play together, and we exchanged flirting bouts, and when I was going to ask her out, her friend, Jennie nosed
in and gave me a story about how Kristy was going to use me and doesn't like me, and was just desperate for a boyfriend. Then Jennie told me that she liked me, and then some sob story about how she was abused as a child....So by some sick twist of fate, I ended up dating Jennie rather then Kristy, even though I previously had my eye on Kristy. That relationship lasted for about week and ended when she cheated on me. After the break-up I was issued several unofficial threats on my life by my Jennie, my newly appointed ex-girlfriend.
Then summer came blowing by and when I went to my orientation for the
school year I met Heather, and former classmate from the previous year. Her and I hung out I started to get feelings for her, the next two days her and I hung out and I had a lot of fun. When school started her and I hung around each other. I was feeling a positive state of mind, I thought this year was going to be a smooth breeze. But then she started dating someone she knew from the summer, Brandon. Her and I still hung around, and people actually thought Heather and I were dating, and I was so convinced that I had a chance that I hung around her still, perhaps more then usual,
hoping that maybe if something were to go wrong with her new found relationship, she'd
realized that I cared for her and we would date...My hanging around made life ever so much
more worse. Weeks then went by and I went to a party with her, I had a great time with her
and then she had been dancing with her friends and I started dancing with someone else,
and then I started talking to this named Tiffany, and getting to know her, and since Heather
wasn't dancing with me I danced with Tiffany, and when Heather left early I hung around
with Tiffany, and at the end of the night I went with friends to take her home, and in the
back of the car, I leaned over and kissed her, a move I had been plotting ever since we met, and I was curious as to what would happen. This was the second kiss I’d ever given a girl, my first was with Jennie, but she was a horrible kisser, so she really didn’t kiss back, and I was guts hoping for a positive reaction, which did occur, she kissed me back and so on. When we
went to drop her off I went with her. Tiffany and I talked for a while, I was happy, I knew
I found someone who found me and we were together, not like the first two where my
lack of self-esteem lured me to dispair and rejection… or was it?
The next day I went to visit her at
her work, we talked and I learned that she was also seeing other guys, I was sad, but
I decided that her and I could work it out and I'd rather have someone then no one. So
I was dating my third girlfriend. The next Monday at school, I talked to Heather. She knew Tiffany, and expressed her dislike for her in a fit of jealousy that
could only be compared to an A-bomb explosion. Later that day because she was
upset at her boyfriend, Brandon. I kissed her. It was something that I had wanted to do since
the previous year as a junior in our English Class. It was a big triumph and yet an even bigger disaster!
Because afterwards she showed me how she REALLY was, a conceded little brat
who believes that life is going to be OK as long as she can seduce someone into
bailing her out! I began to strongly despise her deep within me...So I didn't talk
to her, and she got mad at me and made me feel like the devil merely because
I didn't want to talk to her, it was chaos.
Not even a month after we started dating, my girlfriend decided to break it off
because she decided to stick to dating one guy, which was a concept I pushed on her, in hopes I’d be that one guy. I was proud of her but sad that I was now
going to be lonely and unloved once again...Three weeks later I visited my Tiffany at work
and was informed that she intended to break up with her boyfriend. At that point I was happy, cause
I really missed her and wanted her back, but then before I could tell her that I wanted get back together
she informed me of someone that she was going to start dating, once again, it wasn't me, so I was depressed.
So I moved on… That was January of 2000, as time passed I started to like Heather, but more as a friend, despite the satanic nature she was, she seemed to have changed, and I was more so becoming friends with Brandon.
At my friend’s Going Away party, since I was able to stay the night, I allowed myself to get drunk (well, close to drunk), and I partyed. Heather and Brandon were there, and when Heather left was still there, and got drunk as well. It was odd for me because usually I thought when I was drunk I wouldn’t be able to think straight. But I could think fine, the walking and talking wasn’t perfect though. Unfortunately Brandon was smashed! He couldn’t walk, talk, stand up straight, or think, so even though I was drunk I watched his back and kept him out of trouble, I didn’t hate him, I knew that its not his fault if Heather was a mean to me. While Brandon was intoxicated, my friend Luke’s girlfriend girl was trying to take advantage of the situation. I stepped in to control the problem, so that no one would have any regrets when they woke up. This proved to me, that I was more Brandon’s then his Heather’s. I knew if I would of let him get violated, Heather would hate him and I would have a good chance. But I was apparently over her. I always saw Heather in my classes in my classes and I stopped liking her as a friend because I was tired of and saving her when she was being lazy and needed a good grade.
As spring approached, I saw a girl in my Health class, whom I thought was very cute, and so I began to grow fond of her, I had danced with her at the Winter Formal, and commented her on her eyes. Those where some beautiful eyes! I had planned that I was going make my move by Valentines Day, but on the Wednesday before, I overheard her talking about doing drugs and stuff, which was a complete turn off, so I immediately lost interest, she is still cute though.
That Saturday, while cruising with my friends, in my friend Tim’s car we met Megan, on the freeway. She was a really nice girl, and extremely good looking, I got her phone number and look forward to seeing her soon, oh how she was in my dreams, but still out of reach.
On Valentines Day I went to see a friend, she was a really sweet girl I knew when I was in 5th grade. Her and I talked, “perhaps this could be a relationship” I had thought to myself…But the stuff with her, soon stopped, her and I really wouldn’t have worked out, and so I stopped…But her and I remained friends.
As time progressed, I decided to post a personal online. This was something I wanted to do for quite a while. Once I did post a personal, I soon I started to meet people, and talk to them... Then I got an email from someone, who at first I just regarded as just another girl, so I put the name on my Buddy list and that was the extent at that point. After some days had passed, she was online, her and I talked. After our first chat she revealed that she was in fact younger then indicated previously...I didn’t mind, and I forgave her, and we spoke some more. Once again I had an E-relationship, which to me isn’t a big deal, but slowly I started to like her. We then started talking on the phone, after that I met her at her house. At first it seemed uncomfortable and odd, but then as the time progresses were comfortable, and two moments in the day I attempted to kiss her, only to be dismissed from it, and I was depressed. I felt that I was not to her expectations and in turn she just wanted me gone…As the visit together ended, I went in to kiss her goodbye, and while this happened I felt her mouth open, an indication to me that she wanted to French kiss me, so I proceeded, and her reaction was one second of going with it then the next second she backed out and almost fell over backwards….I then left feeling that I was too forward an quick and that I messed it up… Then I saw her the following Saturday, and her and I spent the whole day together, Jenna and I had a lot of fun and we kissed often on her couch and did so practically ever chance we get till I left…I know deep in my heart that this one will last, but I feel I need to tread carefully for fear I might mess it up…
Two months later, her and I ended up just seeing eachother for a month and then breaking up because she thought I was getting too serious, and that she wasn’t looking for a relationship anymore. To me that was stupid excuse, because I called her daily to make up for the time we never got to see eachother. Obviously she felt like pushing me away, and so I decided to try to move on, but her and I had agree to go to Prom together both hers and mine. This was just before her birthday, and I learned that at her birthday she was flirting with a bunch of guys. Three weeks before Prom Jenna decided to tell me that I couldn’t go to hers, so in turn I told her she shouldn’t go to my Prom. The weeks that passed, the anger and arguments between her and I because constant, which started when my friend joked with her online, and she took it personally, and I got the earful. So I erased her from my computer and removed her pictures from my wall… It was my only defense from the pain. A week before Prom I went out with friends till four in the morning on a Sunday and when I got home I got a call from a girl, whom I had talked to a couple times on the computer, her name was Jax and she ended up picking me up to take to her house, and from there I was basically pounced upon and after that shock eased out my system, her and I pretty much sat there and kissed, and talked…But I wasn’t attracted to her in any way, in fact in some aspects I was repulsed by her, so when she dropped me off at home I had her take me to the opposite end of where my house was, in order for her not to know where I lived, I really didn’t want to see her again. Two or three days later I ended up talking to her online and she basically told me that I meant a lot to her and she wanted to date me. I tried as hard as I could to let her down easy, but she refused to go by anything but boyfriend and girlfriend, so she got angry and I erased her from my computer, with the prime intent not to hear from her.
Prom came and went, and now it was high time I graduated, I had developed a slight crush on my Prom date, but I decided to inform her about how I felt and then go back to life.
The time up until graduation was pretty dim, I knew I was going to be moving so I didn’t try for any relationships. I met with Megan and her friends a few times before I left. Before I graduated I met two more girls on separate occasions, due to another Personal I had up online. The first girl, Krysten, was very sweet to me and very young. I met her in person and we went to the beach, and we kissed, and held each other. I wished we saw each other more, but distance and time was a huge issue. The second was another Heather who I had known a while ago, but basically she came to my house and we fooled around, that really was too fun, but I wasn’t attracted to her, she was attracted to me. I know this makes me sound like a hypocrite, but I can’t force feelings I don’t have.
On my last day of school, Kristy wrote in my yearbook, and even though I wouldn’t read what she wrote in my yearbook till I got home, something inside me knew what was said, and as her and I talked, courage sprouted up inside me, and as I was about to leave, we hugged, and I then kissed her. After that without giving her time to respond, I left and went home. When I got home I read her yearbook entry, which basically said that she was sorry Jennie got between us.