Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women aren't quiet long enough to build up enough pressure.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is >>> > > > >>> > yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many...Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
A: Sparky.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.
HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done?"
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpty Dumpme
Q: What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stem?
A: A fungi to be with