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Male Intimacies

trouble in Paradise
& Statistical Study of Male Sexual Disorders

Male Sexual Dysfunctions and Fetishes, with a Brief Summary of Gender Identity Disorders, and Other Sexual Disorders



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Sexual Mishap vs. Sexual Dysfunction

        There are times when a sexual mishap, does not have to turn into a sexual dysfunction. Any time you make love and you are unable to keep your focus on making love, you will become distracted. Even if this distraction is for a split second, it’s enough that you could experience a problem in sexual functioning, such as losing your erection. Now, at this point in time, this is just a sexual mishap. However, if you worry that you have a sexual dysfunction, then you do.

Sexual Response Cycle

        When you have sexual dysfunctions, it means that you experience a disturbance in the sexual response cycle. The sexual response cycle consists of:
                (1) having the desire to make love
                (2) being aroused to make love
                (3) having an orgasm when you make love
                (4) feeling relaxed and satisfied after making love. You can also have sexual dysfunctions when you masturbate.

Descriptions

        Sexual Desire Disorders

                Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
means that you have little or no desire to make love / you lose your desire before ejaculation when you make love / your sexual urges, fantasies, or making
                love, are happening less than twice a month.

                Sexual Aversion Disorder
means that you have an aversion or revulsion to making love / you have an irrational fear of making love / you are completely turned off just by the thought of making
                love.

        Sexual Arousal Disorders

                Male Erectile Disorder
means that you are unable to attain erections when making love / you have weak erections when making love / you have erections on and off  when making love / you are                 unable to maintain adequate erections to complete intercourse to ejaculation when making love.

        Sexual Orgasm Disorders

                Male Orgasmic Disorder
means that you take a long time to ejaculate when making love / you are unable to ejaculate when making love / you get the feeling to ejaculate, but then lose the feeling                 to ejaculate when making love.

                Premature Ejaculation
means that you ejaculate within 5 minutes or less when making love / you ejaculate before you desire when making love.

                        Premature Ejaculation VS. Sexual Addiction:
Sometimes a sexual addiction is confused with Premature Ejaculation because they both can mean having excessive sexual desire and
                        masturbating / making love multiple times a day without sexual satisfaction. This is the difference: when a man has these  symptoms, once they are  remedied, he has control over his ejaculation
                        and desire, and is satisfied after making love. When it is a sexual addiction, the man  is not in control, even if he does have premature ejaculation and remedies it. Specific to a sexual addiction
                        are the following: shame, despair, self-mutilation, sexual violence, disease, unwanted pregnancy, financial losses, job loss, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment.

The Fact of the (Sexually Dysfunctional) Matter is . . . 

        Statistics:
Statistics state that one in every ten men has sexual dysfunctions, but realistically, the number is closer to one in every five men. Many men will not admit they have sexual dysfunctions. Men
        do not like to talk about their sexual problems, fears, and concerns, even with their partners. For most men it would be like admitting weakness.

        Primary vs. Secondary Sexual Dysfunctions:
Primary sexual dysfunctions means that you have been sexually dysfunctional since you first became sexually active. Secondary sexual dysfunctions
        means that you were sexually functional, but then you became sexually dysfunctional.

        Alternating Sexual Dysfunctions:
This means that you had a sexual dysfunction and it was  remedied, but then it was replaced by a different sexual dysfunction.

        Multiple Sexual Dysfunctions:
This means that you have more than one sexual dysfunction at the same time.

"The Chicken Or the Egg Sexual Disorder Concept"


        When you have multiple sexual dysfunctions, you will need to address the presenting sexual dysfunction first. Here are some examples.

        Erection and desire problems are present:


(1) Your erection problem started first. Your desire problem exists as a psychological defense. If you do not have any desire to make love, then you won’t have to deal with the erection problem.                     Once the erection problem is remedied, then the desire problem remedies itself.


(2) Your desire problem started first. Your desire and erection problem exists as a psychological defense, generally because you have conflicts. If you do not have any desire to make love, then you                 won’t have to deal with the conflicts. Once the conflicts are remedied, then both the desire and erection problems remedy themselves.


        Erection problem and depression are present:


(1) Your erection problem started first. Your depression problem exists as a consequence of having the erection problem. Once the erection problem is remedied, the depression problem remedies itself.


(2) Your depression problem started first. Your erection problem exists as a consequence of being depressed. Once the depression problem is remedied, then the erection problem remedies itself.


Making Love

        When your sexual dysfunctions are based on causes and consequences of conflicts, this means that sexual functioning is affected, causing sexual dysfunctioning. When this happens, sexual intimacy is hindered because all or some aspects of making love will be absent, difficult or impossible. If you cannot be sexually intimate, your  love making will not succeed, and then failed emotional intimacy follows suit.

. . . and then a Calamity


        You and your partner are excited about making love. You dim the lights and put soft music on. You undress and get into bed while she goes into the bathroom to put on that sexy red outfit you love. Your erection is poking at the sheets as you are eager and enthusiastic, and oh so ready! You smile as your partner calls out to you that she’s coming into bed in seconds. But then suddenly you remember the last time you made love, when you were sexually dysfunctional, and then you feel the physiological changes take place. Your erection weakens. And so, as your partner dances out of the bathroom, you mutter something about being too tired, adding not tonight honey. Feeling depressed, devastated, and hopeless you roll over and fall asleep. Then you wake up during the night, and as you lay there, you realize that you have the strongest erection ever. You are so ready to make love, but you wait a few minutes more to be sure that you really are so ready. Another five minutes go by, and you feel good! You feel so very good! You gently wake up your partner and say you want to make love, and she says yes! Life is good! Life is very good! And so you start to make love, but then you remember the last time when you made love and were sexually dysfunctional. You again feel the physiological changes take place. Again your erection weakens. And so, you then mutter something to your partner about being so tired that you just want to go back to sleep. Feeling depressed, devastated, and hopeless you roll over and stay awake.

Jack: an Illustration of a Calamity

        Jack was married to Margaret. Generally after watching television for a few hours he would go to bed. Margaret would stand in the doorway of the bedroom and demand that he have sex with her. Jack knew if he met his wife’s demand for sex, he would as always, suffer her verbal onslaught and psychological castration, as she always told him that his love making was a pis-poor performance. But, Jack also knew, if he didn’t meet her demand for sex, his days ahead would be gruesome at best. During times when they would make love, Margaret would shoot reasons at him as to why she should and would be unfaithful to him, adding “So Jack, you call yourself a real man!” Well, eventually Margaret did leave Jack for another man. Jack felt so unloved and unwanted. These feelings stirred up memories from childhood, when his mother either ignored him or told him how worthless he was. Jack thought about all of his relationships and realized there had never been a woman who loved him, who really loved him. And why should anyone love him, he thought. After all, his own mother didn’t! He had feelings of deep sadness and desperateness coupled with intense feelings of resentment and anger toward his mother, Margaret, and all women. He just couldn’t trust any of them, beginning with his mother. He decided that he would never let another one of them hurt him. The next time he was with a woman, he would be in total control. Then along came Carol, who became his second wife. Most of Jack’s conversations with Carol began with him saying, “Carol, if you really loved me . . . or Carol, you can really prove your love for me by  . . .  or Carol, I am your husband and you better . . .” She had to account for every minute of every day that she was away from him. On a typical day, she had to call Jack as soon as she arrived at work. She had to call him when she went to lunch and returned, reporting what she ate for lunch, where, and with whom. She had to call him when she was leaving work to go home. It was another call if Carol had to make any stops along the way, or if she got stuck in traffic. Jack demanded that Carol give him unconditional love and uncompromising obedience! Though she didn’t like living this way, Carol tolerated it because she was afraid he would leave her as her first husband did. She would never forget that morning when she woke up and found a note on his pillow that simply read ‘Goodbye’! Carol had promised herself when she met Jack that she would let him do whatever he wanted so as not to be left alone again.



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