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quiet musings
Thursday, 1 April 2004

Today it was as struggle to even move. i so wanted to crawl into bed somewhere, was so tempted to bow out of taking my daughter to school, to skip class this morning. But i pulled it together and went on. i had to appologize twice this morning to my family for being short with them. i am so tired, tired from the lack of sleep, tired from this whole new overhaul of my life. Today, though i have pressed on the best i can, i so want to quit.or at least call for a time out. In my focus on the progrm i forgot important things yesterday.a meeting i was supposed to go to, my son's appointment, to make time to do my research during the day. i tend to hyper foucus on one thing,to the detriment of everything else. this lack of ability to manage my time, really lack of ability to keep track of time was a big part of hy i ended up having to quit my other job. Now, everything in my life is such a mess, its hard for me to know how to start cleaning it up. It seems not only overwheoming.but impossible to ever put all of my life in order. i have never really been able to achomplish this. i muddle through, force myself to to keep going even though it seems hopeless,pointless becaue where ever i go my life seems to come back to the same place. sorry this seems so morose, i guess that is what lack of sleep can lead to.

Posted by magic2/submit at 11:19 AM EST
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8:15 am
One day into training and i feel more together, more focused. I feel happier already. Some of the burden is lifted off me. in recent monthes i have been putting alot of effort into learning to truly be myself....to find that "self". Its clear that a large part of the reason i'm unhappy at home is because i am not able to truly be myself here. While differences in religous beliefs and in how emotive my husband i am are major reasons i have repressed alot of my self, that is not the only way i have disowned myself. In anger and hurt , i quit serving my husband better than six and a half years ago. On the service, little had changed, but my heart and intentions had changed. But in blocking that service, i see i blocked the freeness of my flow of love. Things that have happened in the past few years have served to only further make me withdraw from desiring to submit and serve my husband. But being servant at heart is as much a part of my true self as is my intellect, spirituality or freespiritedness. Will i ever be able to let go and trust him enough so i can once more rejoice in my submission to my husband?

Posted by magic2/submit at 2:20 AM EST
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
my first day in Your training has felt me very tired, thoughtful and awash in many emotions. i am excited by the prospects, by the possibility i have found the instruction i have been looking for, for a very long time. nervous that i won't be able to meet the expectations You will have for me. what suprised me, i suppose, was the shame that i felt. Shame that i am so out of control, shame i can not seem to control myself. shame for the ways i have been behaving, shame for some of the ways i am behaving..about how much i found myself touching myself today, about what and how i ate. i think perhaps part of the reason i pressed myself to work so much this evening was to make up for my deficits. Maybe not just to be pleasing in hopes of impressing You, making you proud of me. i see now i so much want to be a good girl, and am terribly disgusted and disappointed with myself that i have fallen so far from that.
Posted by: patience / 8:10 PM

Posted by magic2/submit at 2:01 AM EST
Updated: Thursday, 1 April 2004 2:24 AM EST
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