what has become of you
does anybody else here feel the way i do

what has become of you
does anybody else here feel the way i do

reasons to commit suicide
when people take their own life everyone around them and everyone looking in on the death usually assumes that the person was depressed. i disagree.
although, presumably that's usually the case, i'm here to argue that there are many other reasons as to why someone would kill themselves, or would consider it.
here's a list of different examples:
(some of the entries to come will dwell on this list)
1. depression (the obvious one)
2. love (the classic)
3. guilt (good ol' self punishment)
4. to escape/to get out of something
5. protection
6. fear
7. boredom
8. curiousity -killed the cat-
9. by mistake [just wanted attention]
10. to be remembered
11. defeat (give up and give in)
12. to stay alive-'better to burn out than to fade away'
13. copycat
14. SURPRISE! ~do the unexpected
15. revenge
16. happiness
17. medication

i wrote this for steve a long, long time ago.
it's cool that we're not TOTALLY awkward around eachother after everything.
i don't think i'd ever think of him this way again but he's still cool shit.

i love your smell
i love your taste
i love the way you look at me,
make me feel i'm not a waste.

i hate your ways
i hate your views
i hate that when you're around,
i can only think of you.

i love your smile
i love your face
i love the way you tell me that,
no one could ever take my place.

i hate your care
i hate your heart
i hate the way you make me wish
that we'll never be apart.

i hate the fact that i could never hate anything about you.
i hate the fact that i care this much about you.
i hate loving you.

it's weird
all the things you notice
when you're not paying attention

to jay:
don't do it to lose your self
do it to find your self

gone away
i often think about who would miss me (and how) if one day i just got up and left..or died, or something. family excluded, i'm confused about pretty much everybody in my life when it comes to this topic. and i hate that, because honestly, being forgotten by the ones that i love is one of my worst fears in this world.
i wonder how choda would react--> would she remain strong and carry on, like she does with most things? would she feel helpless and TRULY miss me? would she have any regrets?
what would jay do?--> i wonder if "my best friend just died" would be added to the list of his excuses as to why he can't get work done/smokes too much pot. or would he sincerely miss me? miss me because i'm not around to dish out more and more adivce or miss me 'cause he never got the chance to give ME the adivce?
what about bush? what would she do? i think that i trust that she'd miss me but i don't know how'd she react..would she try and make light of the situation? (which she usually does), or would she just be too upset to bother trying to make everyone else happy for once? hmm...
who would pretend that they cared about me to make it seem like they were suffering too? cassie and sarah stockdale most likely *rolls eyes* but would anyone else stoop to that level? tubbs would be in shock and i know that she'd try to help whoever else was upset about it, get over it :)
i can picture how jesse would react too...he's just be stunned..sherry would be "oh that's soo sad, i'm gonna miss her" even tho we're no where close to being friends. meaghan would bawl and add it to her pile of things that she refuses to get over.
what would geoff do? or steve? or ben? or jere?
i almost wish that i could just die to see who ACTUALLY gives a shit about me.

For Cassie
i can't believe i used to consider you one of my best friends.
but you deserve this, completely.

you are
everything they want you to be
you are
everything they want to see
you say
everything they want to hear
you see
all the bad and don't interfere

you treat
all the rest like they're you're slaves
you are
constantly digging your own grave
you are
blind to the meaning of life
you will
never make it through all the strife

you deserve
nothing but what you have got
you do
all the wrong things but don't get caught
you don't
know what it's like to feel
you think
that you're ideal

you fake
how to be a friend
you are
really just trying to blend
you will
never truly see
that..
you are
everything i never want to be

embrace eternity
many old people spend their time reminissing about the 'old days' and wishing they were younger, wishing they could go back to a more youthful time.
many young people spend their time waiting to be older and praying to age faster.
just last entry even i spoke of the "good ol' days" and i can't even count how many times in a day i think/worry about the future.
i try to actually 'act my age' but really what DOES is mean to be 16? we're stuck in between childrean and adults so how exactly are we supposed to behave?
my grandpa says that when you're a teenager, it's the time to go out and do all the stupid and wild things that you want to experience in life. Experiment with all kinds of things is what he encourages.
well for the most part i do that but i am responsible at the same time. seems like a good balance yes?
but what about when us teenagers get caught experimenting those things? "act your age" they say. isn't this the age to do it?
when my sister and i fight my mom yells that phrase god knows how many times. but truly what she means is grow up, act older.
but when she finds out i've had sex/drank she says "you need to act your age, you're not old enough to be doing such things." so basically she's telling me to turn it down a notch and act younger.(i can only imagine what she'd say if she found out about the drugs).
we're stuck-in-betweens.
well i say fuck acting your age. you have the rest of your life to 'act'..so, just be.

just remember
i hung out with jere this weekend. me, him, and bush were literally just laughing our asses off the entire friday night :) ..it helped me to ignore my tummy ache. jere left his shot glass at my house and came back to get it on sunday. we stood and talked for a little while and i started to remember even more what i missed about him. this is pathetic, but i daydreamed about him all the rest of the weekend..and today..lol
later on i was babysitting this kid..while he was jumping on the trampoline, i was sitting on the swing, just watching him. his excitement just from jumping amused me. i recalled the days when it took nothing more than a simple bounce to make me scream and giggle. i missed those days.
and then i started thinking about everything that i truly missed from way back when. i missed how just a boy smiling at you was sucha huge deal. i missed how the only reason i would ever cry was over a scraped knee or bruised elbow. i missed the way me and choda used to be. i missed not having to worry about sex or money or school. and most of all i missed jere.
then i realized that i missed jere the most because he was apart of all of those things
he was the simple thing in my life. i didn't have to question or worry about him. he was just there :)
maybe i had all these feelings of wanting jere back because i wanted everything back. but it was wrong of me to expect such a thing because just how i have changed, i know that jere has too.
we can't go back.
but maybe, hopefully, we can be friends. it will be hard not to think of him 'that way' but he can still remain a constant reminder to me of how things were and of how sometimes, things need to be.