gah
Now Playing: Breathe no more by Evanescence
sorry its been a while, but there was a lot going on. I was breaking down every night, and lets just say, there might not have been any posts ever again if i didn't get help. well, i'm all better now, after hours of praying and a lot of help from my friends. Other than stuff i don't feel comfortable divulging to complete strangers, not much has been happening. its snowing like hell outside, and i'm hoping WITH ALL MY HEART that school is canceled, though i also doubt it with all my heart. I'm going to Kathy's confirmation today, which is something like a christian bahmitzfa (sp?) or something like that. all i know is i need to dress nice and go to a church or soemthing....i'm gonna feel soooooo out of place there! i wonder....should i wear my pentagram neacklace? *evil grin* no i wouldn't do that to kathy. i don't wanna be run out of the church! lol! well i guess thats all! not that anyone cares......ah well. byeas all!

FIELD HOCKEY!
Now Playing: Phantom of the opera overture
field hockey starts today! yay!!!!! i've got to go soon, but before i do, i wanna fill all my readers (population 0 ) about whats been goin on....NOTHING! i'm so bored lately! but luckily, my friends are good, i'm good, everythings good! rachel is starting field hockey too! yay! well i'd better go! fare yee well, all!

YAY!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Dangerous game by 3 doors down
YAYAYAYYAYAYAYYA!!!! my writers block is gone! i did a full moon ritual with rachel last night, and my main prayer was to get rid of this damned inferiority problem of mine and give me the courage to continue writing! well, it worked! i love my religion!!!!!!!!! thank you God and Goddess!!!!!!! ayayyayayayyayy! well i'm gonna go now! YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYA! i'm so happy!

GARGH!!!!!!!!
Now Playing: Thoughtless by evanescence
STILL NO FRIGGIN KYO BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! today sux

down in the dumps again
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Oasis (MARS version) by Gackt
my inferiority complex is really becoming a problem. seriously! its not some stupid little jealousy thing anymore! i'm really working myself into depression! i know i shouldnt, and there's really no reason, but....goddess! i just feel so friggin depressed. i love kathy to death, but....shes just better than i am. last night she told me that her dream is also to publish a book.... i didn't know that. so i came home and looked long and hard at the 23 pages i had worked hours on typing...HOURS on pouring my dreamworld onto the computer... and i cried....and i almost deleted the whole thing...but, i couldn't get rid of it. despite the fact that kathy is a MUCH better writer than me, i still love my story. i love my characters, i love what i've created....i may never succeed in the dream that kathy and i both share, and she might... if that happens, i'll support her, but i'll never let her see how much it hurts. cause i want her to be happy too. infact, i want her to be 1000 times happier than me! then i can at least live vicariously through her, right? *bonks head on table*

well......
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Thrown (opshop)
today is better, much much better. i still can't even open my story without an extreme feeling of inferiority, but its better today. tonight i'm gonna sleep over at kathy's with rachel and maybe miyukee. i wish sarah could come too, but i dunno whose house she's at, and she and kathy arent good friends anymore...its a real shame. i tried to get a hold of sarah today, but the line was busy, maybe i'll try again once i'm done with this. in other news, MY FIELD HOCKEY STICK CAME TODAY!!! AYYAYAYAY! its beautiful too! its all blue! its the perfect length, and its nice and heavy, great for a defender such as myself! i'm so happy! i think i'll practice later if there's time! yay! kk thats all for now, ttyls!

blah
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Wake me up when September ends (green day)
have you ever felt....absolutely worthless? thats how i feel today. i don't...exactly know why. i guess its mostly because of my own stupid insecurities and idiotic stupidness. kathy slept over last night. I had her read my nearly finished novel. why is it that....the ONE thing i'm good at....the ONLY thing that i've ever loved to do and been good at doing... she can STILL outshine me at? in the first four pages, she found so much stuff to make better, so much stuff that she could easily re-write a thousand times better than me....she's always been better at everything than me. I'm reallly REALLY proud of her. Really. She's such a good person. she's talented...and she's always going to be better than me. Often times i think about what would happen if i just...died. then i get angry at myself and think of this novel thats waiting to be written....and i stop wanting to die, because i feel like i NEED to finish it. But, now i think i get it. It won't matter if i never finish this, because kathy will always outshine me. As long as the world has kathy's writing...they don't need mine. i guess what really makes me mad is...i WANT to be a novelist. that is the only job i've truly considered. kathy has these amazing talents, but she never considers truly putting them to use....the only thing i want in life is to become what i've dreamed of becomming. a writer. thats all i want...and i feel like...because she's better than me, she's stealing that dream from me. and then i want to scream at myself, because SHE ISN'T! if anyone is taking that dream from me, its myself! i'm an idiot. I'l always be an idiot....a worthless stupid friggin idiot.

Mood:  incredulous
thats it....I'M PISSED! REALLY REALLY FRIGGIN PISSED! THE BAG STILL HAS NOT COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sob sob*
Mood:  blue
OMG! The Notebook is the saddest movie i have ever seen in my entire lifetime!!!!!!! i cried through the WHOLE FREAKIN THING! from the moment Noah and Allie danced in the street to the bitter end! i cried the whole time! its such a good movie! and its so friggin sad! i probably won't be able to think about much else for a while, so i need to watch Fruits Basket. something mindless and funny that i've already memorized so it can ease me out of my wanting-to-sob-myself-into-oblivion mood.....well i'm gonna go now......OMG THAT MOVIE IS SOOOO FREAKIN SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!
Mood:  a-ok
yayayyayayya! its spring break! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! im so soooo happy! unfortunately, its snowing, so rachel and i won't be able to go tanning in her backyard like we planned T_T ah well, twas destined to be, so i might as well make the best of it! i'll go get some hot chocolate and put on a movie! oh and i've given up on EVER getting my kyo bag....EVER! so i have decided to make the best of my normal backpack....the ugly...red....TWO STRAP backpack.....damn. ah well, c'est la vie, right? RIGHT! i'm off, ta ta!