I know I've hurt you. I never meant to do that. I really felt everything for you and meant everything I ever said to you at the time when I said it.
I really thought I'd feel that way forever. I really wanted to keep the promises I made to you and live the dreams with you that we both shared. I wanted to live out the rest of my days with you in Nebraska, being with you....loving you.
But it just didn't work out the way I planned and hoped it would. I really am sorry I wasn't able to go back to you after the visit home.
Its not because of anything you did or didnt do.
Maybe someday you'll forgive me. I hope so. No matter how you feel about me I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. I care deeply for you and I want you to know I'm not sorry for the times I spent with you.
I'll always cherish the memories I have with you......even if the dream didn't last forever.....like my love for you will.
Love always, Brenda
April 29th........
I'm hurting too. Just as MUCH as YOU:-(
Only i don't have the anger inside for you that i'm sure you have for me. that must help you a little. And i know its my choice that is causing all this pain. But its not as easy as you think.
and you'll probably never read this....and you probably don't care how i feel.
and i can't say i blame you for that.
April 30th...
and today was the day you were supposed to pick me up at the airport in Omaha. how can so much change in such a short time? I thought i'd be coming back to you today. my love for you is still the same....if not even stronger.
i've kept all the things i made for this webpage the way it was before. i just made it so they aren't accessible right now. i seriously doubt you would want to see that right now. it would feel like a mockery to you.
i hate that i'm not there with you. i was homesick there but somehow i wish i had talked more about it with you. and maybe i would have waited longer to come home for a visit. at least until the trip in june. then maybe he wouldn't have wanted me to come back here and maybe i would have been less homesick and more used to being there. god i don't know. sigh! its no use thinking about that now though is it?
I do so want to see you again. but i don't want to keep hurting you and making things harder for you. for that reason and that reason alone i am wondering if that would be a bad thing to do. For your sake. I am so sorry for all the pain i've caused you for so long....and all i do is keep making it worse. how much can one person take you know?....so yes garry i do want to see you again....but if you think it will cause you more harm than good then please tell me so. I love you so.....
i hope someday we do get a real chance to be together again. i can't help hoping that.
MONDAY MAY 8TH.......
I love you and miss you so dam much. my eyes fill with tears when i think about you and what i've lost. and how crazy i am for letting you go. and how i can't take it back no matter what. its done now and i have to go on with my life here and i have to let you move on with you life. its not fair to you any other way. no longer can i expect or ask you to be here online for me. as much as i want to, i'll never ask you to do that again. no longer can i ask you to meet me again without my husband knowing. no longer can i ask you to call me on the phone when its "safe" here. no longer can i ask you to be a part of my life here in secret from my husband. its not fair to him or to you. him because i'm stay here with him and i am still his wife...and you because i would be using you and keeping you from a true relationship with someone who deserves you much more than me.
so all i can do is think of you every single day...love you in my mind and heart and soul.....but only in my dreams and thoughts will i ever be able to kiss you again. .......i'm so sorry for all the pain i've caused you......i loved how you always felt my pain and hurt for me....now i feel yours and mine is a mirror of yours.
i hope you didn't erase what i wrote on your mirror. if you haven't though and you want to.....its only lipstick. it will come right off with windex.
Its storming here. i wish i was in your bed. with you.
FRIDAY MAY 12TH.
Full Moon tonight. you know i was looking forward to spending some time with you while i was there outside one night maybe having a picnic some place out in an open field so we could gaze at the stars together. i know it must be awesome there in the wide open. and a full moon would be beautiful. i wonder if you rode your bike to work tonight. it must be beautiful when its a full moon. it might be a little chlly there though tonight. it is here.
i remember the night you said you had thought about waking me and asking me to go for a ride with you on your bike after you got home from work. wow! that would have been so neat. and now i'll never get that opportunity with you.
i hope you don't hate me garry. or regret having known me. I'll always love you no matter what. not that it will make any difference. but i don't regret the time i've known you and been with you. i do regret that i've hurt you. and that i can't be yours. i do regret that an awful lot.
but it would be so wrong of me to continue to tell you how much i love and need and want you still in my life. it would be so wrong to let you believe i could be yours only. it would be so wrong to keep on and on hurting you. so i have to keep silent. i have to keep it to myself how much i think of you and worry about you. and how i wish i could hear your voice again.
bur i must be strong for both of us. only i'm not that strong. i sleep all the time.
SATRUDAY MAY 12TH.
went to crestview today with diane. drove her car for her. we went to an outdoor flea market. walked a long ways.....then she wanted to go to super walmart and two other little stores. my foot was killing me but i didn't want to tell her and spoil her fun.
he's at work. wish i could call you. wish i had my own cell phone. i would if i could.
tomorrow i'm going to go put flowers on mama's grave. kim and lori sent me a mothers day card and one from all the grandchildren. they were real nice.
i missed you so much today. diane is a country music fan and we had country music cd's playing in the car for the trip. all the songs made me think of you. especially the sad ones where the couple is apart.
the nelson's brough back a movie today they had borrowed from chuck. the new King Kong movie. guess i'll watch it tonight while he is at work.
no matter how sad a person feels life just seems to keep going on as if everything is ok. when inside a person feels empty. and sad. and lonely. I LOVE YOU....<
I wish i could talk to you everyday ....i wish i could tell you how much i love and miss you and want to hear from you and know everyday how you are doing.
but i can't keep hurting you.
i just love YOU!
SATRUDAY NIGHT MAY 12TH.
at least i have sleep. sleep lets me dream. in my dreams i'm yours again. we are together. in dreams we talk and we play and we eat and we live together.
its good i can't talk to you on the phone. i'd only cry if i did.
SUNDAY MAY 13TH.
i didn't watch King Kong last night. i watched a movie called "Merlin" instead. but i fell aspleep before it was over. i always do that now. just sleep.
tina went with me today to put flowers on moms grave. we were gone about 2 hours. she told me she had talked to you and you had said you would come to get me if i wanted you to.
I miss my mama today. i miss her everyday but most especially today. YOur mom was so nice to me. I really liked her. we could have gotten along very good together. i miss her too.
tonight he is at work and its sunday. i'm thinking you are probably at home and if i asked you to you might would call me. and i want to so badly. but i know it would only cause you more pain. the more you hear from me or talk to me the more its going to hurt us both. so its very very hard for me to not contact you online and see if you are there. but i so dont want to hurt you any more than i already have. and i just can't do it. not unless i could tell you .....to ....to yes, come and get me.....but i can't. I love you in silence.
OH GOD GARRY! I CANT DO IT. I CAN'T KEEP UP THIS CHARADE. I WANT TO SEE YOU. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND!
but i can't. i caN't give in to this terrible need. i love you too much. i have to let you be. i just can't keep hurting you. i just can't. god almighty why is this so dam hard? if only we could still talk to each other. if only it was that simple. but it isn't. god i'm going crazy!
went to walmart today with Lori. and kiersten and Xander. now scott and chuck are working on the two new rooms he's building in the garage. ,,,'
i think about you all the time and miss you.
WEDNESDAY MAY 17TH.
had a horrible migraine last night that lasted most of today too. finally an Imatrex worked about lunch tine. Lori came over a little later also.
dreamed about you last night. thought about how relaxed i was when i was there with you. how layed back everything was. how i didnt have any real chores or things i had to do everyday and how rested i was all the time. less stress.
went to cailee's ballgame monday night. she won her game. went by myself. chuck and scott were here working on the room.
wonder how you are doing and if you're ok. hate the fact i never get to talk to you. wonder if you've been riding your bike to work or if it is too cold still. wonder if you've cut the grass there again. wonder if you think about me as much as i think about you and miss you. I LOVE YOU.
MAY 18TH. THURSDAY MORNING
i don't know why i keep writing this diary. i doubt if you are even reading it. but that doesn't really matter. only i sometimes hope you are. cause i can't write you an email...you never seem to get them or answer me back. and i guess i could leave a message on yahoo...but you're never online when i can be.
i sleep alot. i go to bed really early at night and get up as late as i possibly can. do a few chores around the house and some in the yard. i've been planting some flowers. it keeps my mind occupied. i try to find things to keep me busy when i'm awake. to keep me from thinking about you so much. but thats real hard to do. everywhere i turn i think about you.
i guess in time the pain will ease up some. i don't know. but the love i feel for you will always be in my heart. i'm just so sorry we couldn't live the dream we had together.
I'm hoping you will find somebody new to make you happy. i won't be so jealous this time. well, maybe i will inside but i'll never tell you so again. i want you to be happy. i wish it could be me. but since it can't i want you to be happy with someone else but i do want you to let me know who it is and share with me your dreams some still. i want to know she is treating you right. better than i ever did i guess. i love you so much and will always miss you.
FRIDAY MAY 19TH 2006
got to stop taking pills so much and start joining the real world again. at least for the next month or so. I'll be getting autumn this weekend. for next week. then trading her for austin for a week. then in june i'll be getting all 3 of them for a couple of weeks. so kim and michael can take their trip to Hawaii. June 13th. then i guess i'll keep katelyn and extra week. that way i will have kept all 3 of them seperately and all 3 of them for two weeks together. that should be enough for awhile. kims mom is going to keep logan for her that week they go on their trip.
tomorrow they are having a birthday party for katie and austin. we are leaving to go there in the morning, but just for a day. Tina and Cailee are riding with us. and i'm bringing autumn back with me.
I miss them all a lot but i'm still really too tired to take care of them. but i'll do my best.
when i was with you ...you made sure i had plenty of rest. i'm grateful for that garry. i know i was homesick but i couldn't even see how good it was that i had nothing pressing to do. i guess i was just so used to having to do something. you know?
I hope you have a nice weekend. maybe the weather will be nice and you can ride your bike. wish i could ride with you. I love and miss YOU.
TUESDAY MAY 23RD.
had another dream about you Garry. it seemed so real i dreamed chuck drove up to nebraska and i was with him. i asked him if he wanted to see your house. i knew you were at work. he didn't but he wanted to find you....but we went to some house and there was a lot of people around outside and he was talking to people and got involved in being his usual talkative self, and i slipped away from him and went inside the house. you were in the house sitting in a chair. i sat in your lap and started talking to you. i told you that i loved you and that no matter what happened i would always love you and you would always be the one i would want. then he walked into the house and saw me sitting with you. he bowed up and was about to hit you and i got between the two of you......putting up my hands to him....he told me to move out of the way...then i woke up. but i really felt like i had been sitting with you in your lap. talking to you and kissing you again.
i had no idea when i left the airport that morning that i'd never see you again. that our kiss goodbye would be our last kiss.
chuck is stlll treating me really good. you don't have to worry about him mistreating me ever again. i think he really is trying real hard. he tells me he loves me constantly and he even cries alot when he tells me. its hard not to try and believe him. but i still think about you often.
i have asked him again to please let me come and see you on occaison. i told him there are 365 days in a year and how can it bother him so much if I only spend 14 or so of those with you? but he says it ins't fair for me to ask him to let me do that. he says it would hurt too much for him to think about me being with you during that time and the two of us would be making love together. he says that would make it hard for him to believe that he and i could have a good relationship the rest of the year. that i wouldn't be really happy with him......that i have to believe he loves me and give us another chance again.
sigh! i just don't know. i want to believe him and at the same time i want to be with you. i am still so confused. it hurts alot to think about it and to try and decide what is right anymore. it hurts to be away from you and not be able to see you or talk with you. same as it hurt to feel like i wasn't a part of my family here when i was up there. i should have given it more time before i got homesick...want to know something funny? now i am homesick again....homesick for you and for my home there.....how ironic! but how i missed those kids when i was there.
actually chuck and i have had several conversations about my wanting to see you again. he will see the sad far away look in my eyes and he knows instantly that i'm thinking about you and missing you. ...so then he'll ask me to be honest with him and tell him what is wrong...so i do...i tell him....and it hurts him...and i beg him to please let me see you again and i cry.....and he cries.....and its ......its awful garry. but i can't stop the feelings from being there you know?
i have autumn now. so i have to be strong and act mature at least for a few weeks. i'll be having the kids a good part of the summer. but inside i am still exhausted and scared. and sad....terribly sad. and so sorry i've meseed up so many people's lives. it hurts to know i've hurt you and .....i don't know how to fix it. ......please tell me what to do.........i love you forever
SUNDAY MAY 28TH.......
i can't believe its been nearly six weeks since i even last talked to garry. i miss him so much. i have no way to contact him and i guess i shouldn't anyway. chuck tells me it will only make things worse for all of us if i keep in contact with him and that it will only cause garry more pain. that it is best if i leave him alone so he can get on with his life. I know thats true but its so hard and i want to talk to him. but i don't want to make things harder for him or anything like that. i just miss him so much it hurts. i try not to think about him so much. i really do. i send emails or leave messages on yahoo but he doesnt' answer so i guess he wants me to leave him alone anyway. but i keep writing in this diary cause at least thats a little bit of a way to let him know i'm ok. i'm thinking he's not getting my messages and emails. i just hope he is doing ok. and i don't even know if he checks this or not. but maybe he does sometimes.
i will always miss him and always think about him and even dream about him. i can't help it. this all just did not happen right. things just didn't happen right. i don't know.
but i am trying to make the best of things here. trying to repair all the damage thats been done in my life with chuck. if i'm to stay here then i have to do my best to make things right again with him. to make things work for us. he is truly trying to make me happy now. i have to give him that chance again and i have to try too.
we're taking autumn back to kim's tomorrow after chuck sleeps...he's working tonight. then we're bringing katie and austin back with us. then picking autumn up again on the 12th. of june...so i'll have all 3 of them then until the end of june. so all of june i will be keeping grandkids again. maybe that will at least help me stay busy. not that i'm really physically or mentally up for it yet. in july i'm keeping lori's babies for a weekend so she and james can have a weekend away. sigh! god i'm so tired just thinking about all of it!
i just ......i just feel so alone sometimes. i miss garry so much.
MAY 31AR. WEDNESDAY
had to go to the hospital last night. the E.R. .....had a horrible migraine i just couldn't get rid of. they gave me three shots. one of them made me pass out. but it finally knoced out the headache ...at least until tis morning. i've been fighting it still all day. took two halves of an Imatrex. they want to do a cat scan but i'm not sure i want them to do that. what would be the point? a headache is just a headache right/
i've been thinking a lot about garry. i can't help it. i worry about him and i hope things are ok for him. its hard not hearing from him. but i know he is trying to repair the damage i've done in his life all this time.
i know he probably has a bad feeling about me. i mean i imagine how much he must hate me and wish he'd never met me. and i don't blame him. i only wish he'd not feel that way. truth is no matter how much he despises me and wants me completely out of his life, i will always love him deeply and always think about him and only wish the best for him.
i hope he knows he did nothing to cause me to want to stay in Andalusia. i only have good thoughts and memories of him...even that time he made me cry....(well....it wasn't really his fault....my own insecurities did that)....but even that i don't think about...i only want to remember good things about him....wonderful good things. i concentrate only on the good memories we had together......ha....one thing i can be thankful of is that he doesn't have to see me grow old and ugly and all wrinkled and gray. i was worred about that..now i don't have to. i just wish i could at least talk to him. i miss him so dam much!
JUNE 1ST. THURSDAY:
He doesn't hate me! i finally got to chat some with Garry last night and he said he loves me still and doesn't blame me for all that has happened. He even said we will be together again someday and i believe him. Don't know when or how but i know it will someday happen. its fate. thats all their is to it. we belong together.
had fun today with the kids. Samantha brought them back about 8 this morning. then cailee showed up here at 9 to spend the day also. and then of course Jacob came over from across the street. so in all it was me and four children here all day.
chuck had filled up the pool for us before i even got up. so he went straight to bed when he got home and the kids and i spent the entire day in the pool. only getting out for snacks and lunch and bathroom. at least i hope none of them peed in the pool!
we are all a little burnt though even after using lots of sunscreen.
i made real homemade peanut butter cookies for us and after lunch i cut water melon slices for us all to have.
they kept me cool in the pool. i was laying on a float in the pool and they kept splashing me big time.....and jumping over me and swimming under me...it was fun but not a relaxing afternoon by any means.
i tricked them a few times..telling them to race around the house three times.....hahahha...they all fell for it everytime. and it would give me some free time in the pool...not long of course but enough to get a breather.
now the kids are wore slam out. jacob has gone home because he had a ball game and cailee has gone home too. chuck is at work and the kids have all been fed and bathed and teeth brushed and they are watching "Ernest Goes to Camp".
but they aren't the only ones that are tired.....i'm so beat i can hardly move myself. i'm going to go lay down and will probably fall asleep before they do! no lie.
oh and you know what else? i only thought about Garry a million and one times today! and i only missed him every time i took a breath!
SUNDAY JUNE 11TH.
miss Garry. think of him all the time. trying to stay busy. the kids keep me busy so that helps. will be going to pick autumn up tomorrow. kim and michael are leaving for their trip to hawaii on wednesday. will have 3 of the kids til July the 2nd. a sunday. will be taking them back then.
if i survive this two weeks coming up keeping them all again. really it is too much for me. but i try not to think about that....just that in a couple of weeks it will be done. and maybe then i can rest some. not like when i was in nebraska with garry....but close maybe.
i wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about me. i never hear from him. he must be pretty busy too. i wonder if he has found someone new. a new relationship is always exciting and fun. maybe that is a good thing and not a bad thing. it would make me happy to know he has found someone and is happy and content...but at the same time it would make me sad to know he doesn't think of me anymore in that loving kind of way. but i can't have it my way .
been planting lots of flowers. lots and lots. it helps take my mind off my sadness. i still miss him so much though. will that ever change?
wherever you are garry and whatever you are doing......under the same sky as me.....i love you and miss you and always will....kisses.......
WEDNESDAY JUNE 28TH......
the kids are at the stokes. sam and her grandmother came and got them yesterday. so i've finally got a night alone. it has been very hard for me taking care of the kids full time again. i've had more help here this time but its still very time and energy consuming.
i think about garry constantly. i can't help it. i feel an endless aching need and hunger for him. in every kind of way. i want to tell him things....when i feel happy or sad or excited about something i instantly feel like telling him....its like a part of your own self is missing. i want to turn to him and say these things and i can't. i want to reach for him and feel his touch and i can't.
kim and michael are having a great time in hawaii. we got a package from them in the mail today. she sent all of us presents from hawaii. i got some real coconut oil for tanning and some real Hawaiian blended coffee. Katelyn got a beautiful little hawaiian dress, austin got some little sea animals to play with in the tub and autumn got some pineapple hair bows and some other little toys. chuck got a hawaiian shirt for fathers day really. ......
saturday is Xander's birthday. lori's baby boy. he will be one years old. she is having a party again at the skating rink. a 3 hr. party. we'll be taking the kids to that and then sunday we are meeting Kim in Clanton to take them back to her. Michael is staying in hawaii another week but kim is getting on the plane to return to huntsville on friday.
just think if i had stayed with garry until the trip i would probably be going back to him on sunday.
i miss him so dam much it hurts...sometimes i think i can't breathe or get through the day. i want to just scream and scream....or run you know? run and keep running......like when someone has passed away and you don't want to accept it....you want to just run and run and run as if you can run away from the truth or the pain of it. i want to do that sometims....make it all go away.
and while i am feeling this way chuck is trying to charm me again. he's trying to convince me that he loves me more than he loves life itself. that he always has but was just too afraid to let me know. now he is unashamedly telling me that if i ever leave him again i may as well poison him first or shoot him through the heart because he will die if i do. its almost scary to me the way he is acting now. its like its too good to be true.
will i ever see garry again? how can i not? i long to see him so badly. i miss him so much. its so hard to put into words how i feel. i swear if i never said the words again in my life i'd still feel them in my heart every moment of every day .....waking or asleep.
even if he finds somebody new. it would not matter..our love is real .....its just real and thats all their is to it. he may "get over me"...and move on...but i hope he will always love me and maybe someday we can be together again....he saYS he will always love me and not to forget that....and even if he does get somebody new ...someday i hope even then he will still want me to come back. he says he will always be there for me and i have to believe that...
no matter what happens here, no matter what anybody says, no matter how long it takes ,,,,,,,,i know garry will not stop loving me....he says so .....and i believe him.....same as i will always love him
JULY 4th.....TUESDAY
so it is the 4th. a holiday. wish i was with garry..just talked to him online. he says he is going bike riding with Dan. he is off work. i'm glad he's spending time with his brother like that. but i wish it was me. we could be having so much fun right now.
I am at Lori's today. babysitting xander and kiersten. james has taken the week off and they are on their way to the beach to a water park and fireworks display tonight. hope they have a good time.
the kids are finally back at kims so thats all said and done now for awhile. after today babysitting here maybe i can get some rest.
but the more i rest the more i think about garry. and its hard. so i will probably spend lots of time in my garden instead.
i have been planting and buying flowers alot. all kinds..i've fallen in love with the hobby of planting and growing flowers......and all th watering i'm having to do because of the drought is keeping me pretty busy.
besides i feel in my heart that one day this is going to be not just my house and property but mine and garry's. i know thats a weird thing to say....but its true. and i want it to be beautiful when he see's it.
right now i am being here true to my husband...true to our marriage.......hoping it will stay good.... but if it does or doesn't really makes no difference.....in my heart i am also married to garry....someday we'll be together again...nobody can stop that.
diane came over yesterday...wanted me to go with her and her friend christy and christy's mother to the casino in shorter alabama today....but i told them i had promised lori i'd babysit. so then diane said.."well thats ok cause me and you'll go by ourselves saturday". hah....didn't ask if i wanted to or not....just said i was. said its her birthday....so i guess i will be going with her saturday.
well i wonder if i am a widow one day......not a nice thing to say huh?.....but if i am ....would garry come and see me here? let me keep my house here? ....for both of us? i would stay at his house mostly but keep mine here for us......someday it could happen just that way couldn't it?
i guess i'm just weird in not being able to let go of ....of something.....something i love.....one way or another. .......
i know i'm rambling but its my right isn't it? to just express my feelings ? garry says it is. he says i can say how i feel about anything...and not be afraid.
I will love him forever and no matter what happens....if he moves on with a new relationship or not.....i will always feel he is special to me and want to be with him....thats all their is too it. period.
SUNDAY JULY 9TH.
well i didn't win any big money yesterday when diane and tina and i went to the casino's in Shorter Al. just above montgomery. i took 45 dollars and came back with 55 so thats not too bad is it? so at least i didn't lose any either. but i'm not big on gambling. never play the maximum bet. know what i mean?
i tohought about garry alot when i drove through montgomery . had to get on 85 towards atlanta ...just like i did when i met him there. i miss him so dam much it hurts. i just want to hold him and love him.
still doing the garden thing. it keeps me busy. its all i do .....ALL dAY! Our water bill was very high. over a hundred dollars just for the water. but hey we're having a drought here. and i don't want my plants to die that i've planted!
every single plant of mine is planted with Love. Love for garry...love for the day when i can show them to him.
just like i told him once that someday i'd like to grow flowers when i'm an old lady and just bake cookies for children that are visiting and have a cat or two. well i guess i'm there now. cause without him i'm just here you know?
i hope he is doing ok and having a good summer. i just feel so bad still about what happened. i still worry that he hates me. but no matter . i love him anyway.
I love YOU Garry.......i miss you. i made a big booboo..i left the computer on and our webpage up. he read allofit....and my last msessages to you on yahoo.
he didn't tell me at first. but i knew he was acting weird. finaly he told me...it was all day before yesterday. i told him i wanted to call you. go back to you. i wanted to leave right then.
but he cried and said he loved me and wanted me to stay. and that if i left it would just be the end of him. i may as well just go ahead and kill him. i told him i didn't believe him ...he got on the floor and begged me to stay. to try again to believe he loves me....
but i love you still.
TUESDAY JULY 18TH
spent a couple hours today doing my nails. went shopping awhile with Lori. looked at wall paper. went to eat lunch with her at blimpies.
watched the hummingbirds use the feeders i made for them. they're so cute!
placed a couple of fairy's in my garden.
and i still love you garry
FRIDAY JULY 21ST.
i think i'm being watched. i think my phone is being tapped and my computer has a bug in it too or something. i've been warned.
i'm learing to do embroidery. its something to do while i watch tv. i already know how to knit but i want to learn to crochet too.
i do miss you still and think about you and love you.....i do.
SATURDAY JULY 22
spent the day with diane. her daughter is home with her again. her husband dropped her daugher and her grandson off at dianes house last night with a bag of clothes. diane wasn't even home. left her there. said he didn't want her anymore . he had a new girlfriend.
they were making cheese grits when i got there this morning. diane and i left to go shopping and just get out of the house together.
it has been storming most of the day here though. i tried to open up yahoo messenger but it won't open up. it must be down for some reason. maybe the weather.
is there going to be a giant volcano eruption that will destroy Nebraska? i have been told that the yellowstone park has a volcano that is going to erupt and the ash is going to cover Nebraska.
i dreamed about playing in the snow. it seemed like it was so real.
