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Welcome to Toddler Boot Camp

Does this look familiar?

If so then you need


Does your little man or your little princess leave you feeling slightly stressed out?

The Toddler Boot Camp is a non profit Organization. We have several placement programs for your darling little one. They range in type of training and prices!

You will have weekly letters from your little ones (yes they will learn to writeóbut doesnít mean you can read it) Monthly visits are allowed. And encouraged. Telephone calls are discouraged. Those little ones have no concept of running up mommie and daddies Long distance bill.

We have a general store, once they have earned the shopping privilege then they can shop for goodies, treats, toys.

Our staff is fully trained in Baby dominatrix. We do not condone corporal punishment. Baby thumb screws have long been outlawed as well as baby shackles. We at our toddler boot camp try a more reasonable approach. BEAT THEIR LITTLE ASSES INTO SUBMISSION!

We have many many success stories. In Fact we have graduates from The Baby Boot Camp right now in Iraq..Yes,,they are Americaís secret weapon. KNEE BITER PATROL.

The programs we offer are:

The Cry baby:

This is a first step program for the new Boot Campers. Your little darlings will learn they won't get by with shit here! No amount of crying or whining will help!

Brats On the Move:

This is our learning how to get around program. They learn real fast that they can not get over those nails to that M&M dish.

Basic Brats:

This is a I WILL LEARN TO SHARE program. We learn to share in no time!!!!!


The I hate you program is the tricky one. They learn to be lovers and not little monsters!


The nap program is designed for the adults. The little ones learn to sit and BE quiet while the adult naps.

NO means NO:

This is the No program. Designed for the toddler to understand the meaning of NO!

I Donít like that:

The food program is a tricky one also. The boots learn in no time at all that if they donít eat the dog will surely love to eat what they have turned their noses up at. There are NO foods offered between meals, unless of course one of the animals pukes and one of the toddlers gets to it before an adult does to clean it up.

Toddlers ON patrol:

This is the elite Toddler proggy. This is when your toddler has over come all the basic obstacles of Toddler hood and has gone full circle into the I am a good kid lifestyle. We ship your little darlings off to a war zone so they can use their ability to conquer the meanies and become toddler heroís.

Does your toddler qualify!? Is your husband tired of little jr. Standing in the shower with him and suddenly the little one reaches out and bashes the shit out of daddies weenie??

Are you tried to hearing your child scream profanities or lashing out at the stranger passing by on the chip isle cause Little Joey cant have those M&Mís??

Are you tired of constant Koolaid spills on your white carpet??

Are you tired of Little Joey Or Megan being the neighborhood toddler bully??

Are you tired of your cat being forced to wear your make up?

Well if any of the above apply and many many more then contact us today. You wont regret enrolling your dearest little MONSTER into our 4 year Toddler Boot Camp

You will no longer be whispered about at the tennis club as having that unruly child. You will no longer be the gossip at the golf club cocktail hour. You will no longer be the woman they whisper about when you walk in to get your manicure and facial!

NOOOOOOOO You will now be a proud member of the oh so elite Toddler Boot Camp Club.

Now you can stand in the grocery line and boast about how your child is a star student at the Toddler Boot Camp. You can enjoy your afternoons at the club pool talking shit about the others who have these difficult times with their unsocial brats and they should get them enrolled Into the Toddler Boot Camp.

With all the money you have saved on Prozac you can now get that 2003 Benz you have been dying to be seen driving around in.

The Maners your child will learn at the Boot Camp and come home with will amaze you. It will be yes mommie and daddy dearest. May I please borrow then Benz for the night? I promise to fill the tank!

Do yourself a long awaited favor and call now. Sign your unruly little darling up for his/her new lifestyle created at the Toddler Boot Camp.

Operators are standing by to take your calls. 1-800-BeatAss


1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must not ever appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If your playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10.If it's broken, it's yours.


Ok you granola heads this is a joke. This is NOT real. So all you wanna be activisits who are pissed off about this page, do all of us folks a service and take your granola head asses and go out there and fight against the real crime's in the world. Those against children!

Oh and get a sense of humor!!!!!!