gah *smacks self*
guess who went m.i.a. like whoa!!! tee hee hee i promise i'll NEVER do that again. well yeah not a whole lot to say, BUT i'm having twins... hopefully they won't turn out like those two *points to jenji and boel* bleh... i would burn myself. with salt and ice. *fizzle* my tummy is going to be big all summer, which kind of sucks for me, but paul seems to think it's cute. i can live with that. BY THE WAY. paul is meaner than he looks. he made me hurt my head *sad face* THAT'S a rather interesting story. well i'm gonna go now cuz my ear feels funny. !eyb

sarah x

Brandon James *loves him*
so um *erases old entry* bj left his teddy in jamaica in the hotel with us by accident. and when i saw him again yesterday i tried to give it back... but he just smiled and said in his cute lil kid voice "sawah you can keep him... i think you need him mowe than i do." so i have Lil Ted now (that's his name) and any time i miss bj, i can just hug Lil Ted and it's almost like i'm hugging bj again... well not really because bj is a real person... but it smells like him, and it has food stains all over it and everything, one ear is almost chewed off and one of the eyes is missing... the stitching on the mouth is coming undone but to me it's the most beautiful thing in the world. i don't know... something happened to me when i was living with tony and bj... i actually felt like i was in a real family for the first time in my life. and even though i won't see either of them as much anymore, i'd like to thank them for helping me grow and letting me watch bj grow up. and i'll miss y'all.


Sarah x

..........
this goes out to two people... i hope they know who they are...

I've waited, I'm lonely, you faded, I'm jaded
Trying to hold on to the things that were once mine
There's too much time
Wasting my time

My mind goes blank, I can't think of
Nothing but you, I've waited, I'm lonely
You faded, I'm jaded, there's too much time
Wasting my time

And when it seems we're miles away (miles away)
When will I see you again?
And it is seems that I don't want to stay (I don't wanna stay)
When will I see you again?

And are you thinking about me or do you want
To be free, just tell me and I will
Let you go, there's too much time
Wasting my time

And when it seems we're miles away (miles away)
When will I see you again?
And it is seems that I don't want to stay (I don't wanna stay)
When will I see you again?

There's too much time, and all I know
I'm in a fuct state of mind, I can't let go...

memories and stupidity
so earlier this afternoon i was looking through my scrapbook from middle/high school and i found this list i made... the paper was all crumpled and the ink from the pink marker was all faded and there were random stains all over it... anyway it's pretty cute, i was only 12 when i made it. so here it is:


Things I've Learned From Being Dumped by Sarah Combs, April 6, 1996 (yeah i was combs back then... unfortunately)

1)Smile! Things can always get worse.
2)Sometimes the love you feel as friends is stronger than romantic love.
3)Put God first and everything else will fall into place.
4)Your true friends are the ones who tell you to shut up when you cry.
5)The feeling in your heart isn't love until you give it away.
6)There is no such thing as a broken heart.
7)Don't be afraid to turn to God for guidance.
8)If you had everything you wanted, even for a short time, don't ask for more.
9)It's possible to forgive.
10)Nothing lasts forever.
11)It's okay to still think about that person all the time but don't obsess.
12)Obsession=bad.
13)Someday you will laugh at yourself for feeling sad.

that brought tears to my eyes... then as i looked some more through the notebook, i found another list. my handwriting was so different that i hardly even recognized it. all of the I's were dotted with little hearts and my words were a random jumble of upper and lowercase letters. i looked at the date and it said may 29, 1996. five days after my 13th birthday...


Things I've Learned From Being Dumped And Falling For Your Best Friend (again), Revised by Sarah Combs, May 29, 1996

1)No one REALLY knows anything about another person's emotions.
2)No matter how hard you try, you can't forget the past, so learn from it.
3)No matter how much you change, you always end up the person you were in the beginning.
4)Treasure even the silences you have together.
5)No matter what people say, "I love you" never loses its meaning.
6)You have to have rainy days to appreciate the sun.
7)You find love in unlikely places.
8)Just when you htink it's over, everything rearranges.
9)Don't be afraid to pray like crazy whenever you want to.
10)Love is a circle.

... i made a new list.


Things I've Learned From Being Dumped, Revised Again by Sarah Madden, January 8, 2004

1)Certain things last forever.
2)The most beautiful things in this world can't be seen.
3)Everyone is hiding something.
4)When people tell you to listen to your heart, don't try too hard to hear it.
5)A friend isn't someone who will lie so they won't hurt you. A friend is someone who can tell you the truth without hurting you.
6)The best advice you can get is from yourself.
7)There's nothing you can't handle.
8)Depression is no excuse for not doing the things you love.
9)Some things can't be replaced.
10)You can't convince your head of something that's not true in your heart.
11)It's ok to laugh again.

Your name: Sarah Alexandra Madden

Birthday: May 24, 1988

Age: 19 almost 20!

Height: 5'0"

eye color: chocolate brown

Locale: Maryland

School: none

Religion: Christian

What are you wearing right now: hoodie and pants with monkeys on them

Orientation: straight


Have you ever...

Been in love: yes

Left the country: yuh huh

Taken any illegal substances: nope

Gone out in public in your pajamas: heheh yes..

Set any body part on fire for amusement: once... i'm such a moron

Kept a secret from everyone: yes sort of but there's usually one person that knows

Actually thrown shoes onto a phone wire: no

Had an imaginary friend: tee hee i still do

Wanted to hook up with a friend: yeah..

Done something stupid to impress your crush: heh mehbeh

Found a cartoon character attractive: Tarzan!

Ever at anytime owned a new kids on the block tape: um no

Planned your week based on the tv guide: lol once

Been in an accident: yeah when i was really upset and crashed into a tree and cut my wrist really bad... and lots of skateboarding ones. i'm really trying hard to learn to skate well, lol. but i can't really stay balanced... jere says that's cuz my boobs are so big and they're like my center of gravity and my body goes in the direction that my boobs are... it's not very funny, i don't see why anyone would want boobs this size on purpose, they just make your back hurt. *frowns*

Lied: yeah but i don't anymore

Cut your hair: tee hee when i was little i tried to give myself bangs but that didn't go that well and i ran around with a huge piece of hair missing for a long time.

Worn a skirt: yeup i really like my plaid bondage one

Worn a tie: yeah but only for halloween cuz i dressed up like avril as a joke... but other than that, no cuz i'm not a guy and i never will be.

Been mean: yeah...

Gone for a walk: yeah duh!!! who hasn't?! (possibly some paranoid person that is afraid of "spores"....that's from The Secret Garden....if you've seen it then you know what i'm talking about)

Gone to the movies: yeah

Gone out for dinner: yesh

Felt stupid: lots of times especially recently when bj pushed me and i fell lol

Said "i love you": yes

Written a paper: yes unfortunately

Taken a test: yup too many

Written in a journal: yes....well i started one this summer but then i forgot all about it...lol

Talked to someone you have a crush on: yes

Had a serious talk: yes many times especially recently

Missed someone: mhmmm

Hugged someone: yes

Had a nightmare: yeah two nights ago

Fought with your parent: yeah... sort of physical too but just with my father

Fought with a friend: yes

Been scared: yeah lots of times


Favourites...

Favorite Food: hmmm cookies

Favorite Actor: Ben Stiller

Favorite Actress: Natalie Portman

Favorite Book: The Rescue or A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks

Favorite Band: gc and mest (of course), finch, yellowcard, greenday, mxpx, silverchair, goo goo dolls...

Favorite Album: wow way too many

Favorite Tv Program: 7th Heaven

Favorite Movie: The Lion King, TNBC, Peter Pan...

Soap: Pearberry from Bath and Body Works

Lip gloss: dunno....melon or peachy stuff.

Colours: black, baby blue, purple

Day/night: both i play during the day and get mischevious at night

Commercial: the one where the guy falls over and knocks into the other guy and it's like a domino run

Type of sandwich: don't like 'em... but tomato i guess

Coffee or hot chocolate: hot chocolate

Hot or cold: cold

Lace or satin: satin

Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt: neve campbell.. she was really good in scream

Tom cruise or brad pitt: tom cruise

Character on Saved By The Bell: dunno

Character on 90210: never watched it

Character on the brady bunch: peter (there is this one episode of chnging personalities)

Wrestler: sting but i don’t watch it very much

cartoon character: spongebob or zim

Blonde/brunette: brunette

Luke skywalker/han solo: luke! duh!!! starwars is the best!!!

Die by fire/water: water


Do you have a...

Boyfriend/girlfriend: yes a boyfriend and he is so awesome :)

Crush: i said i had a boyfriend!

Best friend: wow lots... tony, paul, sam, steph, nixie (the three sisters i never had and always wished i could trade my brothers for), benji, joel, josh, jere, carlie, brody, billy, chris and many more

Do you rank your speed dial in order of favorites: no cuz i don't have it

Who do you go to for advice: my mom

Who knows all your secrets: paul

Who are you jealous of: i'm usually not jealous

Who do you cry with: my mom and sam

What is your quote: You can't convince your head of something that's not true in your heart.... I MADE THAT UP! *grins*


When was the last time you...

smiled? just now cuz bj tried to give me a wedgie

laughed? just now....(see above for more details)

cried? – don't remember

danced? i dance all the time

were sarcastic? dunno today i think or last night

kissed someone? this morning when i woke up

talked to an ex? yesterday night

watched your favorite movie? on saturday

had a nightmare? two days ago

last book you read: i read two mangas yesterday...

last movie you saw: hmmm... freaky friday

last song you heard: My Favourite Thing- Silverchair

last thing you had to drink: gatorade

last time you showered: last night

last thing you ate: blueberry poptarts

wished upon a star: i think i did last night

Laughed until you cried: yesterday when tony leaned on a stool and the stool fell over

Helped a stranger: a couple of years ago when this guy dropped two dollars and i gave it back to him

Played truth or dare: Christmas Day when tony dared me to run around outside his house naked screaming "I LOST MY VIRGINITY!" and then jump in his lil hot tub dillio.

Watched a sunrise/sunset: every morning in africa

Went to the beach at night: it's been a while but i will soon when we go to jamaica *big smile*

Spent quality time alone: last night

Read a book for fun: lots of times

Kissed someone you didn't like: heh... let's not go there... it's been a while and i was a tiny bit drunk... (see last entry)

Kept a secret told to you: i almost always keep a secret unless it is serious

Hung out with someone you hated: tee hee... i can't remember

Lied to sound good: never

Did something out of character: dunno


Do you believe in...

God/devil: i believe in God and the Bible and the devil is mentioned in the Bible... i don't like worship him but i know he exists.

Your friends: yes

Aliens: i would rather not think about that cuz they freak me out unless they are the kind on men in black

Love: yes

Love at first sight: no i think that you should get to know the person before you love them

The closet monster: he tries to get me every night

One person for everyone: yes

Psychic powers: no

Government conspiracies: sure

That squirrels are evil: no squirrels are sexy but buff sheep are hotter

That the end of the world is coming: yes but no one knows when

Heaven/hell: Heaven yes, and again i don't worship the devil, i just know that hell exists.

Superstitions: nope


How are you feeling right now?: tired

Why are you feeling as you are?: cuz tony and bj woke me up by jumping on me

Are YOU on prozac?: not anymore

Do you take drugs?: nope

Do you dislike ppl who use drugs?: no but i worry about them

Do you have any piercings?: yuh huh, a buncha holes in my ears... *counts* 10 in my ears and then my eyebrow but i hardly ever wear that anymore.

Tattoos?: yeah

Pet rabbits?: not anymore but i had this really cute one named nicky

Dogs?: sort of but joel and benji never let me play with him... and i used to have a dog named benji too but paul kept him.

Cats?: no and never will

What do u fear most in this world?: losing my friends and family

Do you know HTML?: yes

Does calling you a nerd insult you?: of course not

Do you live with your parents?: nope i only have one parent anyway

Do you have siblings?: three stupid older brothers... well actually i kind of like josh, he's cool.

If you could do anything, anywhere in the world, at anytime, what would it be? dunno lolol


I see- my computer. duh. lol

I find– bj

I want- a pet monkey

I have– great friends

I wish- i had food

I hate- being depressed

I miss- my mom

I fear– chipmunks lol

I feel- brave?

I hear– silverchair

I smell– coffee

I crave- a peanut butter milkshake

I search– for food (i'm hungry)

I wonder- what it would be like to be deaf, blind, and mute

I regret – being mean sometimes


Do You...

Smoke? no

Do drugs? no

Have sex? lol yes... but not much and i've only had it with paul anyway.

Sleep with stuffed animals? Yes my 19 year old bear that i will never grow out of... also i have a blankey that has so many holes in it that it looks like a giant spiderweb.

Live in the moment? yesh

Have a dream that keeps coming back? yes... lol, i had this one in first grade that this indian guy from my class named mahaul was at the mall at the same time i was and he had set up all these teepee's and they were like having a war and stuff lol and he shot me in the shoulder and i like collapsed against the wall and he was like "oh, sorry. i didn't see you." and then shot some other people. lol i've had it like 8 times.

Play an instrument? guitar, drums, and piano

Believe there is life on other planets? ionno

Remember your first love? yes

Still love him/her? ionno

Read the newspaper? occasionaly

Have any gay or lesbian friends? yeah

Believe in miracles? yup!

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yes

Consider yourself tolerant of others? yes but it's important

Consider love a mistake? no

Like the taste of alcohol? no! it's so gross!! i'm never drinking again!

Have a favorite candy? yes... milky way.

Believe in Astrology? no it's a load of taurus

Believe in magic? watch my answer appear... ABRA KADABRA!... *poof* ...no

Believe in God? yes

Pray? every night

Go to church? yes every sunday

Have any secrets? i dunno

Have any pets? sort of

Talk to strangers who instant message you? yes sometimes

Wear hats? not usually lol i look bad in 'em

Hate yourself? every once in a while

Have an obsession? yeah...

Collect anything? yeah anything from the ocean

Have a best friend? yes, more than one

Wish on stars? yeah

Like your handwriting? no but my cursive is good

Have any bad habits? biting my nails and stickin my tongue out and turning the lights on before i leave the room

Care about looks? a little. i like to look sexy lol

Believe in witches? no...now that is an EXTREMELY random thing to say to someone though

Believe in Satan? i believe that he exists

Believe in ghosts? yeah, my room at paul's house was haunted... i tried to tell him that but he just looked at me like i was stupid lol. oh well.

Believe in Santa? yes

Believe in the Easter Bunny? of course

Believe in the Tooth Fairy? yeah, why?

Have a second family? yeah

Trust others easily? yes sometimes too easily but a lot of times i can see through people so not always.

Like noise? no i have a strange phobia of loud noises

Take walks in the rain? yeah it's one of my favourite things to do... i love the rain and i love being wet.

Kiss with your eyes closed? yes

Sing in the shower? doesnt everyone?... good accoustics in there anyway.

Own handcuffs? yea i used to own play ones if that counts...hehe

Have any scars? yeah i have a TON from my stupid father and myself... and also i have lead in my arm from fourth grade so that will probably scar when it comes out... it's kinda weird how it happened anyway. i was talking too much so the teacher told me to move up front so as i was getting all my stuff to move up there, i forgot my pencil so my friend threw it at me and it like got me right in the elbow. lol.

Who do you most want to respond: sam, joel, tony, paul, billy, steph, nixie, brody, josh... and everyone!!!!! pleeeeeease!

Who will read this but won't respond: hopefully no one!

...like u meant it
i was gonna blog earlier today but then i dint and fortunately/unfortunately i read jere's blog and now i actually have something to write about. i dont really know what to think about all this...but i really do love tony and im happy with him even with all this crapp that people are giving us. and paul is going out with that girl susie and he seems happy too so everything should be fine.

*You're so good at playing stable when you're all alone.*

and so...i guess inquiring minds want to know about me and paul...i dont know quite where i am with paul. its all good, i can tell that much. ive stayed up pretty late the past 3 nights talking to him, so its been pretty cool. im glad that he met susie, i really am. he deserves to be happy. and im glad hes being so supportive of me and tony.

*You're so beautiful when you've convinced yourself that no one else is quite as beautiful.*

i need to call mama and thank her for the advice she gave me a few days ago. she never really asked what happened, she just knew a little of it. so she asked me if there was anything i wanted to know...i said yeah...and she said instead of trying to kill anyone, it'd be a lot easier to ask them. so i did and i liked the answers i got, for the most part at least. *smiles*

*What were the words that you said to me that made me feel so special now?*

so i was talking to paul the other day and somehow we got on the topic of secrets and i ended up telling him my secrets, which arent really all that bad...pretty tame stuff for the most part, like:

a) ive used a fake ID
b) i kissed nate from finch last year
c) i made out with brandon from incubus
d) ive been totally wasted before and made out with a guy i dint even know

...BUT! lots of those things i wouldnt ever do anymore and im not as slutty as i sound. i guess now would be a good time to say i love tony. <3

*Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember, always remember, the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers, and the time on the clock, when we realized it's so late, and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet, and the gate was locked, so i jumped it, and I let you in. And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist, and you kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it.*

a hella lot of bruises, four broken ribs, and a black eye
oh. whew. *shakes head slowly* this is insane. it's all my fault of course. everything is always my fault. i feel...i don't know. a little sick maybe.

what do u WANT? u want me to quit being myself? ok fine. u got it. no more partying, ill throw away the clothes i normally wear. ill be boring and mild-mannered. i wont be agressive and stick up for what i believe in. ill see u when u get back. see how u like me then.

i dont know what the heck i should be saying right now. maybe everyone can help me figure it out? go read pauls blog and maybe everyone here could tell me if u all think im overreacting. oh geez sorry. have to take a kleenex break. u know. because im crying. but its ok, i deserve it because its all my fault.

so i went out with tony, paul, and this girl becka *shudders* last night. and like paul said that was a disaster...end result, i ended up on the floor of the movie theater getting kicked in the ribs repeatedly (4 of which are broken by the way) and all bruised up. but then i dont know how i did it but all the sudden i find myself leaping up and socking becka in the eye. heheh, she got a nice big shiner under her left eye. *innocent grin* then she cried. that was kind of funny though. paul came running over to her and accidently(i hope) knocked me over and that wasnt fun either. so tony came running over to me and stuff and he took me to the ER which is a new record, i believe. i was there last night and the night before. so then after that tony dropped me off at my apartment (yes i have a new apartment) and....*giggles like an idiot and blushes* he kist me goodnight...

so i get online and pauls on and hes IMing me sounding rele odd...he was RELE drunk and it was scaring me so i got offline. and im at tonys right now and....*giggles like an idiot and blushes some more* he asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes...*big smile* its one of the only positive things in my life right now. im talking to paul as im writing this and its one of those sarah-stay-sane talks...hes leavin tonight and going to bastrop, louisiana to think some things over. hopefully he'll be all better when he comes back...for the sake of my mental health and sanity. well...this is long enough and im sure no one will read it or even care what im saying, it just helps to vent sometimes. well. yes. im going to get off and get something to eat. or maybe i will just lay on the floor and hope that a little girl doesnt come out of tonys tv screen and kill me.


new boyfriends= a good thing

new makeup= an even better thing



....just kidding tony! x

sick...
meh i am sick *sneeze sniffle cough* my throat hurts...leave it to me to get sick the day after Christmas. i'm sneaking on the computer *puts on spy face* SOMEONE'S been saying i dont need to get out of bed. and then SOMEONE even yelled at me for trying to run to the bathroom by myself so i could spit out some blood which is rele gross but it's ok because then someone made me chicken soup and brung me hot chocolate and those cute little teddy grahams. tony is scaring the heck out of me...him and his stupid dares... *cough hack sneeze* dont ask. ive been held captive in my room for nearly 24 hours now except for the time that i spent in the ER last night, but its all good cuz i am NOT going to expire! i am going to liiiive! which is rele cool for me cuz i love to torture yall. *attempts an evil laugh but fails, coughs, hacks, sneezes, hiccups, and starts crying* GAH!! i think i just heard er...someone come in...*puts spy face back on* im going to go back to bed and say i wrote this blog with my psychic powers.

Heart-Shaped Box
she eYes mE like a piSces when i am weak
i've been locked inside your heart-shaPed box for A week
i was drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
i wish i coULd eat your cancer when you turn back

hey
waIt
i've got a new complaint
Forever in debt tO your pRiceless advice
hate
haight
i've Got a new complaInt
foreVer in dEbt to Your priceless advice
hey
wait
i've gOt a new complaint
forever in debt to yoUr prIceless advice

Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
cut myself angel'S hair and baby's breath
brOken hymen of youR highness i'm left black
thRow down Your umbilical noose so i can climb right back

You won't be afraid of fear, no thought was put into this, I always knew to come like this.......You know you're right
i had a lot of fun yesterday, u can read about it in tonys blog cuz im too lazy to type it out. i talked to paul today and we had another fight....i made a decision...im leaving. im moving back to dc so i wont be that far away. but i need to go back to college and hopefully get a job. so yall can call, u should know the number, or u can email me or whatever. im going to look for a place to live after Christmas. im at tonys right now, and tomorrow night im going over to joels to help him with maddie while sam is gone...then wednesday (Christmas Eve), me, joel, and benji are driving to waldorf to see mom. then joel will drive back later that day and sam will be home...me and benji come back on friday and then im stayin with him for a couple days and then im going to look for a place. i just thought id let yall know...bye x



to paul:

I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here
You wont be afraid of fear
No thought was put in to this
I always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to feel
Pain

You Know your Right

I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let's talk about someone else
Steaming soup against her mouth
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here
You wont be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew to come like this

Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to feel
Pain

You know Your Right

Pain


--the immortal words of kurt cobain