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Root Stories

You have now entered the mysterious realm of the roots! Enter only if you are strong of mind. Here we have archived many strange and scary stories of the roots. You who are familiar with the rooty world are welcome to send some stories of your own.

It all began when the Three Slightly Disturbed Brains teamed up to each try and make the worst story imaginable. In the beginning there were bricks, marshmallows, and spotted camels who thought they were magnolia trees. Then, at last, came the First Root Story. We were hooked on the fascinating realm of the roots.

The First Root Story
by Helena

Deep beneath the surface of the Earth, roots rumble and grumble in the heat and darkness.

One day, a root was rumbling far more than usual. "Why is it that you are rumbling so much?" asked another root.

"In truth," the root answered, "I have just discovered some important facts about myself. I am pondering. I am feeling very rumbly in my tumbly."

"What are you pondering?" asked the other root. His voice was suddenly full of suppressed excitement. He waited anxiously for the answer.

"I have discovered," announced the root solemnly, that I am gay. What's more, I am fanatically in love with Winnie the Pooh! Do you think he returns my feelings?"

The other root began to sob frantically. "I do not know!" he cried, "But all my life I have been in love with you. You mean you are not a girl root? And you are not in love with me? Oh, how rumbly in my tumbly I feel when I think about you!"

Then, Winnie the Pooh, far above the surface in the Hundred Acre Wood, heard their rumbles and understood them. "I also am feeling rumbly in my tumbly," he said, "But not because I'm feeling horny about someone of the same sex. Actually, I just want some honey to eat."

"Oh, Gaia!" the first root wailed, in pure anguish. "What a case of unrequited love! I feel as though my heart is breaking and the only way to go is death!" And with that, he severed himself from the tree and died.

The second root mourned long and deep. "What is there to do," he asked, "when all I've ever cared for is gone?" He pined, refusing to except nourishment from the earth around him. Thus, he also left this Earth.

It is because of this story that all roots solemnly despise Winnie the Pooh, despite that Pooh himself is ignorant of the matter.

The Second Root Story
by Amelie

Every week, all the roots meet for the Great Root Council, where they discuss events, sing, dance and tell stories, to pass the time.

At The Great Root Council, all the roots spoke and had fun except for one root, who was too shy.  He could  hardly bring himself to speak to the other roots, even just during a conversation.

He prefered wandering around the dirt on his own, pondering life and dreaming about the day he would be brave enough to speak.  But no matter how great his dreams, he always worried that it would be a disaster.

"When I bring myself to talk, everyone around will listen, and if I dance, it will be the best ever, and everyone will notice me.  I will be so great that I will go down in council history.  People will listen when I give advice, instead of pushing me out of the way if i even try to talk." he thought as he wandered around.

Finally the day came when the root realized that if he only dreamed he would never get to do anything, so he gathered his courage, went before the town council, and began to tell his tale:

"At The Great Root Council, all the roots spoke and had fun except for one root, who was too shy.  He could  hardly bring himself to speak to the other roots, even just during a conversation.

"He prefered wandering around the dirt on his own, pondering life and dreaming about the day he would be brave enough to speak.  But no matter how great his dreams, he always worried that it would be a disaster.

"'When I bring myself to talk, everyone around will listen, and if I dance, it will be the best ever, and everyone will notice me.  I will be so great that I will go down in council history.  People will listen when I give advice, instead of pushing me out of the way if i even try to talk." he thought as he wandered around.'

"Finally the day came when the root realized that if he only dreamed he would never get to do anything, so he gathered his courage, went before the town council, and began to tell his tale:

"At The Great Root Council, all the roots spoke and had fun except for one root, who was too shy...

The Third Root Story
by Anni

One dark and stormy night, a little root in Germany ate a cucumber.

"Mommy, can I eat a cucumber?" it said.
 
"Yes, you may," said the root's Mommy.

After he ate the cucumber, a large creature came out of the sky. This creature was giant and green and slimy; it's body looked like a cross between a cucumber and a giant worm. The mysterious creature had a large red nose, huge circular black glasses, eyebrows so bushy and large that they had a length of 20 ft and a width of 666 ft and expanded far past his head, and a purple tongue protruding from it's forehead.

"Why have you dared disturb the Cucumber Worm God!?" the creature roared.

"I... I... I just wanted to eat a cucomber," said the little root, "please forgive me".

"Forgive you?" boomed the Cucomber Worm God, "Never! I shall put a curse on all you tree roots that will last with you forever!  You roots will now be banished to McSqualflickerville, the town of the insane German bannanas! You will have to live there your whole lives! You will have to raise your children to worship Abatonquistirkiki, the insane German bannana God. You will have to work in the purple balloon's fallopian tubes, where all the slimy rodents dwell with their heartbroken cousins! You shall be eatten every morning by turtle shell testicles and die of llamas bitting off your tongue! You roots shall live a life of pain and hunger and hate! Adeu!"

The Cucomber Worm God never left the roots and he made sure that they were having the worst time of their lives in Mcsquidflickerville. The roots lived happily ever after. The End.

If you would like to send us a story or tell us what you think, email us at the link below. Please keep everything PG13 or under. Roots may be dirty, but they are very sensitive to obscenities. And remember, it is against the philosophy of roots to give titles to their stories.

Email: imanevilroot@netscape.net