WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Padre Fear
By: Shanna Seanachai
Email: miredinthemarrow@email.com
Rated: PG-13
Category: Drama/Angst
Summary: At the end of "Prisoner of Azkaban", before Lupin leaves Hogwarts, he corners Snape and makes him hear him out. Short fic. "Padre Fear" is a song by Poe.
Disclaimers: You know I don't own it.

{are you afraid of love, are you afraid of me?}

Why donÕt you just admit it? Nearly twenty years might have passed, Severus, but you are still scared. You still wake to the feel of teeth puncturing your arm, carrying with it doom and disgust and perhaps death, entering your blood stream as subtly and sinuously as ghost... You can still imagine what might have happened that day, taste the coppery feel of fear in your mouth, and that is why you hate me. Not because you think I was conspiring to kill you. No, you know perfectly well that I had nothing to do with SiriusÕs plot. You are afraid of me, and that makes you angry, and so you hate me for it.

You hate me for other things, of course, but that is part of it.

{are you afraid of love, is that why you retreat?}

And now that I have told you - that I know your secret, and that perhaps I know even more - you stare at me, as still and paralyzed as when, at the age of sixteen, you came to the end of that tunnel and peered in to the Shrieking Shack and saw me in a form you were never meant to witness. I wonÕt hurt you, Severus. There is no need to turn and run, as you did then.

DonÕt believe me, do you?

Well, you should. I wonÕt tell anyone. I wonÕt mention it at all.

But I have a request...

Yes. I have a request.

ItÕs simple, Severus. I only want you to answer a question.

ItÕs this:

When did you start to love me?

{are you afraid of me?}

DonÕt look so shocked. I told you I knew your secret. What did you think I meant? That I knew you were Death Eater? Oh, there you go again. Of course, I knew that, Dumbledore told me. Quid pro quo. You know what I am, after all.

DonÕt deny it, Severus.

Please donÕt do this, Severus. I told you, you have nothing to fear from me. I only want to know why...how. Of course, you have to admit it before you can tell me that.

{are you afraid of love, are you afraid of memory?}

IÕll tell you how I know. Yes, yes, how I ÒthinkÓ I know. Cast your imagination back, Severus. I know you have a good one. Our graduation day. How serious you were! And angry, too, I suppose; coming in second in the class, right after James Potter! You always took such things so close to heart. I can imagine why. After all, I had the misfortune of meeting your parents that day.

Ah. Yes. DidnÕt know that, did you?

They didnÕt know who I was. I donÕt know how they would have reacted if they had. You hadnÕt told them my secret - and I thank you for that, though IÕm sure Dumbledore had a hand in your silence - but youÕd told them plenty else.

No, it was they who approached me. They were looking for you - you disappeared right after the ceremony - and they wanted to know if I had seen you. Well, I hadnÕt. They asked me if I had classes with you, and I told them that I did. And then they asked a very peculiar question...they asked me if that Lupin boy was still bothering you.

WhatÕs wrong?

YouÕre absolutely silent.

I donÕt need to tell you what they thought, do I?

{are you afraid of what you cannot see?}

ItÕs all right, Severus. I donÕt hold it against you at all.

IÕm not being superior. IÕm simply saying that I understand.

You know, up until I met James and the rest, I was alone all the time. It wasnÕt really safe for me to be around people. My family was afraid theyÕd find out my problem and someone from the Ministry would be alerted and IÕd be exterminated. So I spent a lot of time alone. I grew to have a very vibrant imagination. I made up...stories.

It must have been terrible, not being able to tell your parents about what happened to you in Sixth Year. It was, after all, a very frightening thing.

What? That wasnÕt it?

I see. Yes, they didnÕt seem like they had much attention to spare. For anyone besides themselves, of course. I understand.

{are you afraid of love, are you afraid of me?}

So you made something up about me following you around...pursuing you, I guess youÕd say.

As I said, it didnÕt really bother me too much, knowing this, but it certainly did make me curious.

Well, why that? ThatÕs what I was wondering. Why not just say that I was teasing you, or playing tricks on you, like Sirius and James?

And thatÕs how I came to my conclusion.

{are you afraid to be free?}

The silence in the room was deafening. They sat facing each other, only a few feet between them, though it felt like miles. SeverusÕs hands were folded, as though in prayer; his head was bowed. Though he was completely still, his body vibrating like a live wire. Waiting for Remus to resume speaking. Waiting for him...

But Remus said nothing.

Finally, Severus raised his head. His face was carefully blank, but he could not control the skittish look in his eyes. ÒWell?Ó he asked. ÒWhy donÕt you tell me?Ó

ÒWhy donÕt you tell me?Ó

Remus had the most peculiar way of gazing at you and making you say and do all manner of things you would, under normal pretenses, never allow to occur. ÒBecause I...Ó He bit the inside of his cheek, stopping himself. He frowned. ÒGet out.Ó There. He should never have let it get this far in the first place. Whatever had possessed him to sit here and listen to the man?

Because I...

ÒYou havenÕt yet gotten around to answering my question, though,Ó Remus reminded him.

ÒItÕs a foolish question,Ó Severus said, standing up, Òand I donÕt intend to answer it.Ó

Remus also rose. He smiled at Severus in way that made him feel dizzy.

ÒI have no reason to fear you,Ó he said, and wondered why he couldnÕt convince himself of that.

ÒOf course you donÕt,Ó Remus said, and closed the distance between them in a mere step. ÒNo reason...at all.Ó And then suddenly, as though he felt the need to bridge whatever gap still existed between them, he pushed his face close to SeverusÕs, and kissed him.

{because I want love but nobodyÕs home}

It was a short, chaste kiss. Nonetheless it felt like Severus had been punched in the stomach; he stepped away, reeling from this attack. Attack on the senses. Attack on whatever composure he had managed to dredge up. ÒGet...out!Ó

ÒSeverus...Ó And for the first time, Remus looked tired, looked anything but confident. Remus usually had this air about him of humble dignity, not smug in anyway, but sure of himself nonetheless. Now he just looked very sad, and Severus thought to himself: by tonight he will be gone, he will be far away and I will probably never see him again. Certainly it was a thought that would have pleased him mere hours ago, but now, at its insurgence, he suddenly found himself shaking, his breath catching somewhere between his lungs and his heart, anything he had been about to say ... lost. Just lost.

Then Remus kissed him again, and he closed his eyes, and let it happen.

{itÕs midnight and IÕm howling at the moon}

ÒI..Ó he said, gasping, licking his lips when they came up for air, ÒI told them that because ...Ó

ÒBecause you wanted it to happen,Ó Remus finished for him, and kissed him hard, his tongue sliding in between SeverusÕs lips, laying siege to his mouth, making the world spin around insanely...

ÒYes, yes,Ó he groaned, ÒHow did you know?Ó

ÒI didnÕt, really. I only guessed.Ó

ÒDamn you,Ó he muttered, and kissed him even harder. Remus might have been the werewolf, but it was Severus who felt wild right now...felt like his body was morphing and changing into something else. Something ferocious and powerful. His body shook with this transformation each time their lips came together.

{itÕs midnight and IÕm howling for you}

ÒWill you answer my question, at last?Ó

ÒQuestion? What?Ó

ÒWhen? When did you start...Ó

ÒOh.Ó He closed his eyes. ÒI donÕt know, really. It just ... happened.Ó

Remus kissed both of his eyelids, almost reverently. ÒI suppose,Ó he mused, Òthat is how it usually happens..Ó

ÒBut you,Ó Severus said suddenly, backing away, Òwhy are you doing this? Why are you -Ó

Ò- Kissing you?Ó And he did so, for so long that Severus almost forgot to care if Remus answered him at all. Ò...Wanting you? As you said. It just ... happened.Ó

ÒDonÕt be ridiculous.Ó

ÒIÕm not at all. Is it really so ridiculous for me to want you?Ó

Severus just stared at him. ÒYou never gave any kind impression that such was the case.Ó

ÒNeither did you. WeÕre both very good actors, I suppose.Ó

ÒIt would be very easy,Ó Severus whispered, after they had kissed again, Òto believe you...Ó

ÒThen do it.Ó

ÒIÕm distrustful, by nature.Ó

ÒNo,Ó Remus sighed. ÒYouÕre just afraid.Ó

{are you afraid of love?}

 

DonÕt be scared.

DonÕt be...

DonÕt be scared.

{itÕs midnight...itÕs midnight...}

 

-end-