WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.
Title: Only You
Author: Acassha
Email" acassha@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: PG13
Series/Sequel: There is a seqel - 'Oceans Mix Underneath'. And a
sequel to that to...called 'Betrayal of Needs'
Disclaimers: *Looks in mirror* Nope, not JKR. Darn!
Summary: My first fic... be gentle. A bit of an epic, I must say. POV
swaps from Snape to Lupin. First up: Lupin's POV
I have always known there was something different about me. Well, apart from the obvious full-moon thing, and keeping away from wolfsbane and silver like the plague. In my 5th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I found out. I was in love with another boy: more specifically, Severus Snape.
Don't ask me why, but there you go. I spent
3 months thinking - and watching - him- without arousing suspicion.
Trust me, werewolves are good at subterfuge.
To this day, I do not know what attracted me too him...after all,
didn't we tease him mercilessly? Weren't we as cruel as we could
be?
And yet, there was something about this boy that endlessly fascinated me. The way, despite our best efforts, we never seemed to ruffle his feathers, as it were. So calm and collected.
So cold.
And yet, despite this, despite my jeering, I found myself slowly, steadily, falling in love - or lust - with Severus Snape.
Then in November, Prof. Chambers told the Astronomy class we'd be doing a project in pairs. This brought up groans from the class, but not as many when he told us we'd be working with someone from the other house.
Chambers always liked to see "students working together, irrespective of house." Now there's a laugh.
I prayed that it wouldn't be him.
And then I gave up praying and consigned myself to Fate. Well, Lady Luck decided to play a joke on me.
I'm sure you can guess who I was paired with.
And that was why, a week and a half later, we were both standing in the dark on the astronomy tower, looking at stars. In another context, this would've been romantic, but, quite frankly, it was cold and raining and we had no shelter. So we stood there, freezing and wet.
I think he must've been colder than I, as he was even more bundled up, and still shivering. I don't know why I did what I did then. Maybe it was because full moon was only a few days away, and I get more intense around then. Or maybe I'd had enough of looking but not touching.
So when he announced "let's get this over with so we can go back to bed because it's cold and wet out here", the natural thing to do seemed to be to hold him to warm him up. That must've been the wolf speaking. I would never dare do a thing like that normally.
I don't really remember much else, except him jerking away quickly. And then it seemed natural to kiss him.
I could only stand in shock when he began to kiss me back.
*~*~*
He was kissing me.
Remus Lupin was kissing me
Oh my god... thank you.
When my brain finally got into gear and caught up with the situation, I broke off abruptly.
"Look Remus, you don't want to be... mmph"
He kissed me again, and I could feel his hands tangling in my hair. For someone so frail looking, he was actually very strong.
This time I held him at arm length so, however much I wanted him to carry on, he wouldn't.
"You don't want this, Remus. You don't really want me. It's the cold and wet talking, you're not thinking properly. Look at your friends, look at mine, they're totally different, it would never work..."
I trailed off, aware that I was rambling and not making much sense.
"But our friends aren't here, are they, Severus?" His hands stopped roaming, and one gently cupped my face.
"Tell me you don't want this, and I'll stop. But trust me, I'm am thinking properly. I've thought of nothing else since we came back from the holidays"
Those words surprised me. He wanted me? Of all the people in Hogwarts, he wanted me? I was suspicious, waiting for Black or Potter to jump out, laughing at a well-planned prank.
I looked at him, looked in his eyes, and suddenly realised he was telling the truth.
"Severus? You ok?"
I looked down at him, worry etched into his face.
"I don't think I've ever been better". I smiled and pulled him into a kiss.
*~*~*
If I had thought that after that night things would become easier, I was wrong. To begin, I hardly saw him at all in the following weeks, so we had to resort to veiled looks in our shared classes, and hasty kisses in empty classrooms.
Not only this, but I was feeling guilty abut not telling my friends. It was a problem that would often keep me up late at night. I didn't want to lose Severus, but I couldn't keep hiding this from my friends.
And I still hadn't told Severus that I was a werewolf. Again, it came down to fear, I suppose. So scared that I would lose the one person I had ever been truly in love with.
I decided that whatever happened though, my friends deserved the truth. Hadn't they stuck by me when I had told them I was a werewolf? What could one more thing that I couldn't control matter?
But that nagging voice at the back of my head said "but he's a Slytherin. Severus Snape - they'll never understand"
"Yes they will," I thought back. "They have to"
I was nervous as I waited for Severus in one of the many disused classrooms that had become second homes for us recently.
'McGonagall must've really been angry this time' I thought.
Once again, Sirius and Severus had been caught fighting in the corridors. I say fighting, but in reality, it was more Severus would aim snide comments at Sirius, who would retaliate the only way he knew how - with fists. The amount of times I had seen Severus with bruises on his face... it made me angry with the both of them for being so stupid.
I told Severus so when he finally walked in. He looked at me and said " I know". I must've looked bemused because he smiled at me and said "You think I can't see the expression on your face when someone pulls him off me?"
"Then why do it?"
"Because there's something I don't like about him. I don't know what but it's just this feeling I get..." he trails off, looking out the window.
Realisation dawns on me. "Ohh" He turns and looks at me. "He's a challenge to you. You thinks he's going to take me away... oh Sev..." He has turned away again. "Am I right?" I ask gently "Is that what you think?"
"Yes" comes the reply.
I want to tell him that its not true, that whatever my friendship is with Sirius, it's not the same as what I have here, now.
But all I can do is hold him until he turns round in my arms and looks down at me. He gives a sad smile and leans down to trail little kisses along my jawbone and down my neck. And suddenly I can tell him.
"Severuss...ohh" he's reached the sensitive spot at my neck. Before he can go any further I grab his face and look at him.
Instinctively, I reach up to trace the lines of his face "so beautiful" I murmur. " I love you, you know that? And nothing, not James, not Sirius, not Peter, can take that away. Understand?"
He looks at me, almost uncomprehending. I reached up to touch his face again. Its silly really, but there's something about his face that mesmerises me.
Something that makes me never want to leave, to always be near him.
I sigh as he kisses me, not feverishly like on other nights. When he breaks it off, I am surprised to see tears running down his face. He smiled tentatively and said "did you really mean that?"
"Of course I did" He looks at me with wonder in his eyes, and I realise that no-ones ever told him that before.
"I am going to have to tell my friends, you know. I can't keep this a secret much longer."
He nods. "If you're sure".
Somehow we've ended up on the floor, with our backs against the wall, and he's in my arms.
I start to kiss down his neck and shoulder, but he stops me with a hand. "Remus? Can we just stay like this for now?" He's looking up at me now, and I look at him "of course".
He smiles - a genuine smile of someone who's happy - and I'm struck at how different he looks when he smiles, when he's not scowling.
And as he lays down against me, it strikes me that this evening I've learnt more about him than I ever have before.
*~*~*
I'm standing here waiting for Remus to get back from telling is friends about us, so I'm standing in an empty classroom, waiting.
Never mind worrying about what Remus will say when he gets back, all I can think about is how cold I am.
Selfish I'm sure, but I need to get mind off what might be happening up in the Gryffindor common room right now.....
And I know with a certain dread that when Remus comes down, he'll look at me with those sad, puppy-dog eyes and tell me his friends are more important. And once again, I'll be alone.
I don't know how long I wait, wrapped up in my thoughts of how much I'm going to miss him, when suddenly I'm pulled round into a tight embrace.
"Mmm, you're freezing"
I don't respond, and he looks at me, all
sadness and pity. I don't want to hear it... if he doesn't say
anything maybe I can imagine it never happened.
I take a deep breath, shut my eyes and wait for it.
"I love you Sev"
My eyes snap open and I stare at him, not quite comprehending what he's just said. And then steel myself as I think 'He's trying to break it to you gently'
"well, what did they say?"
"They'll get used to it. It came as a bit of a shock. But, when I told them about you....." His voice trails off, and he hugs me tighter.
"What?"
"Sirius... he... gave me ... a look that.... just said....."
This was all said in muffled sobs against my chest. And there was no need to go on. I had disliked Sirius before; everyone knew that, but now, well.... there weren't words for it.
"I'll go. It'll probably be best. You know, lovers come and go, but friends are always there" I say, desperately wanting to be disproved.
"No."
I look at him, and he smiles tentatively.
"Didn't you hear me earlier Sev? I love you. We'll work it out". And he reaches up and kisses me softly, chastely, on the lips.
"But we can talk about it in the morning cos it's too cold out here."
"Yeah, ok" Not the most eloquent of words, but I'm cold and shocked.
He cares about me that much? He really meant what he said that night when he agreed to just hold me? He truly cares?
"I love you too Remus" I whisper as we go our separate ways for the night.
*~*~*
It had got a load off my mind, that night, when I told them about who I was seeing. They were shocked, that I expected, but I never expected Sirius to act the way he did afterwards.
The net morning, I found the James and Peter had gone out early. I suspected there was a reason for this, but I kept quiet.
"Sirius? I need to know something... last night... when I told you..... was that look of disgust for what I am or who I'm with?"
He turned round sharply at that, and stared at me. For a long time he didn't say anything, and I was getting worried. Then he came over and knelt in front of me.
"Moony, it doesn't matter to me or any of the others what you are. But.. but.. when you told us last night.........." He got up and sat next to me " I mean, good god, Remus, Snape? Of all the people in the school, you pick Snape?"
I turned away then, hurt by his words. "Padfoot.." my voice breaks slightly "you don't understand.."
"Do you love him?" he asks, voice flat, neutral.
"Yes" I reply, quietly.
And suddenly he's hugging me "then I don't care Moony, but if he does anything to hurt you......" he trails off, but the threat is hanging there. I don't want to tell hint that its the other way round, that Sev was afraid I would hurt him. It something to keep between us.
And when I go down to breakfast, he's sitting with his friends, laughing and joking. I catch his eye, and he smiles broadly. I love you, I think, so much it hurts...
-----
I had thought that once my friends had known about Severus and I, things would change. I was wrong.
Both Severus and Sirius constantly baited each other, trying to get a rise. But the final calamity came near the end of the term, when Sirius led Severus to the passageway at the Whomping Willow. If James hadn't been there, I don't like to think what I might've done.
I tried explaining it to Sev afterwards, why I hadn't told him, and through my tears I saw a sad smile, and he said he understood. But when I looked at him, a little bit of the trust had gone.
But with Sirius I was furious. I refused to speak to him for nearly a week unless I really had to.
When we spoke, afterwards, it was tense, and it took a while to get back to the same level of familiarity that we once had. And then, one night when James and Peter were doing a detention with Filch for using magic in the corridor, he spoke to me. And told me the one thing I'd been dreading all this time.
"It's him or me, Moony"
In the end, I knew I had no choice. It would have to be Sirius, and with Sirius, my friends.
----
The hardest part of all, was, predictably, telling Sev - everything. I was amazed at how quiet he was.
When I finished, the tears were really flowing. He wiped them away, and whispered quietly "Remus? Can I kiss you, one last time?" I nodded, struck dumb.
He bent his head towards mine, and I felt his hand reach up by the back of my head. It wasn't passionate, but bittersweet, sad, sorrowful. I remembered it for a long time. He turned away to leave when we broke it off, and I went to catch his arm. "Don't Remus" was all he said "there's nothing more to say". And with that he strode off down the corridor. I never cried as much as I did that night. Not even when I was told about James and Lily, or about Peter, or even Sirius.
Because that night I lost the one person I ever loved. Does that sound strange to you? That I've only ever loved one person? Someone I lost, not once, but twice because of my friends?
Which is why, after I left, I sat down to write to him, and explain, why, after all these years, I needed to see him again.
*~*~*
It was ridiculous, I thought to myself. He was here for a year; you could've said something then.
But it hurt that, once again, Remus had put me aside for his friends. It was selfish, I know, what I did, to try to get Remus removed, but I couldn't handle being in the same school as him for any longer.
I heard both Potter and Weasley talking about it in the corridor coming from breakfast. If only you knew what your precious godfather did to his so-called friend Potter. Maybe you wouldn't hold him in such high-esteem.
But that night I received an owl post from him. The one man who had single-handedly destroyed my life with 4 simple words. Sirius Black.
He did not, you understand, want forgiveness - no, Black was too proud for that. Instead, he wanted me to find Remus, to try and rekindle what we once had. What, I thought inwardly, he destroyed.
I would've disregarded it, ignored it, if it hadn't been for another owl at the window. This one, I guessed was from Remus. I was right.
But instead of the condescending attitude like I had from Black, this one was different. Apologetic, even. And then finally, he said at the end.
"I meant what I said before, Severus. That I loved you, I mean. I always have. Please believe me when I say I was stupid, immature, insecure of what I wanted. I hated myself for so long when I heard what you had done - followed Voldemort - because I blamed myself"
(No, I never blamed you Remus. Sirius, yes, but never you. I never could)
"But I never meant for those words to be as empty as they must've felt. I loved you then Severus, and I still do. There has never been anyone else.
Sev, even if you hate me, please reply, just so I know if there is any chance that perhaps, I can make up for what I did to you 20 years ago.
I love you.
Remus Lupin"
I must've stared at the letter for a long time, and the next thing I know is Dumbledore's voice saying "he at least deserves an answer Severus. Even if you still hate him"
I jumped up shocked, then compose myself. "I never hated him Albus. Black, yes, I hated him, I still do, but I could never find it in me to hate Remus"
"Then write to him Severus. Tell him that". And he is gone. With a sigh, I sit down to write words that I have kept inside me for too long.
----
And that is why, a week into the school summer holiday, I am at the door of a rather shabby looking hut. A fresh surge of anxiety comes over me a knock on the door.
He answers, and smiles, the same smile I have missed so much.
And we stand there, oblivious to everything but each other. For now, it is enough to be able to hold him, to be with him. Not needing to be afraid of when I'm going to lose him again. I tell him this afterwards, as we lay curled up against each other.
There is much that we still need to sort out. But, for now, I have been happier than I have been for too many years. Because this time, I will not let him go.
