contrarianmind: what...is wrong
i bleed vodka: *sigh*
i bleed vodka: :-(
contrarianmind: tell.
i bleed vodka: I just shouldn't talk to anyone anymore.
contrarianmind: just tell
i bleed vodka: I don't want it to get back to this person...
i bleed vodka: and I don't want to start anything :-(
contrarianmind: just...sigh
contrarianmind: tell me. i've kept many things successfully in confidence before
i bleed vodka: Damian.
i bleed vodka: Refuses to talk to me.
contrarianmind: yes. but don't be hurt
contrarianmind: that's just his way
i bleed vodka: He blocked me.
i bleed vodka: So i signed on another SN
contrarianmind: i know
i bleed vodka: did he tell you?
contrarianmind: of course
i bleed vodka: What did he say?
contrarianmind: i wouldn't worry. he didn't seem terribly mad
i bleed vodka: it's not that hes mad
i bleed vodka: hes hurt
contrarianmind: then
contrarianmind: yes
contrarianmind: i know why too..
contrarianmind: why did that happen?
i bleed vodka: Why is he hurt?
contrarianmind: why did you not want to cam? with him
i bleed vodka: hm..
i bleed vodka: i don't think thats why hes hurt..
contrarianmind: then?
contrarianmind: why.
i bleed vodka: He just blocked me, like...5 minutes ago..
contrarianmind: cause i don't understand
contrarianmind: well why do you think he's hurt?
contrarianmind: what do you figure is the problem
i bleed vodka: because i talk about you constantly....and he told me he was going to go on a hiatus from talking to me...and that he wishes that it was HIM i was
talking about..
i bleed vodka: and that he keeps fucking himself over.
contrarianmind: ..:/
contrarianmind: i don't want a girl to get between me and damian as friends. and i don't want to hurt you either. but right now i absolutely do not trust any girl or her
intentions, and it might take me awhile to get over that
contrarianmind: and i'm talking awhile
i bleed vodka: he says im the greatest girl hes ever had the pleasure of talking to, and im obsessed with his friend, and it sucks.
contrarianmind: that is kind of a sucky situation
contrarianmind: i'm not all that great yo
contrarianmind: damaged goods
contrarianmind: so i dunno why you don't just go for him, he obviously likes you.
i bleed vodka: that doesnt mean i can just drop my feelings for you like THAT
i bleed vodka: i cant just jump from guy to guy. i dont WANT to jump from guy to guy. i mean, one week i like you, the next its someone else? thats not how i am
:-(
contrarianmind: no, that's true. but i'm not really deserving OR ready to recieve those kinds of feelings right now. i'm damned fresh from being hurt
i bleed vodka: I just want to cry.
contrarianmind: explain
i bleed vodka: i really enjoy talking to damian. i really enjoy talking to you. i didnt know how damian felt about me.
contrarianmind: nor i
contrarianmind: till late last night, really.
i bleed vodka: ....?
contrarianmind: he told me late last night that he dug you.
i bleed vodka: i wish no one dug me. i wish i could just get along with everyone and no one would dig me. because i hate this. i hate this with a fucking passion.
knowing that something i did/said hurt someone i care about, crushes me.
contrarianmind: there isn't ever a way to please everybody and every decision we make concerning other people favors SOMEONE
contrarianmind: the medical term is triage
contrarianmind: help who you can help
contrarianmind: and leave those too badly hurt to die.
contrarianmind: me = too badly hurt, right now
contrarianmind: help damian.
i bleed vodka: well, this sure helps me understand you're feelings towards me
contrarianmind: i've been trying to tell you all along
contrarianmind: you didn't want to see it.
contrarianmind: i don't want ANYONE
contrarianmind: right now.
contrarianmind: i don't trust girls. all they do is lie in my face and hurt me
i bleed vodka: im not saying i wanted a boyfriend.
contrarianmind: and i shit you not, something's been broken inside me now
contrarianmind: and i don't...trust
contrarianmind: i don't want to.
contrarianmind: what do you want, then>?
contrarianmind: i can give very little right now.
i bleed vodka: I just wanted to be close to someone..to have someone that cares....i dont want a relationship, mikey.
i bleed vodka: i just got out of a bad one
i bleed vodka: im not ready yet
contrarianmind: what you're talking about IS a relationship, meri
i bleed vodka: ;\
contrarianmind: and there IS no middle ground
contrarianmind: and i don't want to yearn for someone i can't touch, any more.
i bleed vodka: i dont want to lose you, as a friend, though...
contrarianmind: you won't
contrarianmind: i stick by my friends. that can be said of me
i bleed vodka: well, im glad to hear it
i bleed vodka: i just hope he unblocks me so we can talk. this kills me.
contrarianmind: i hope so
i bleed vodka: i don't expect him to anytime soon. :\
contrarianmind: don't mention me to him again, for starters
contrarianmind: you can't imagine how much that hurts him
contrarianmind: because i've been on the other side and know intimately how much it hurts.
contrarianmind: girls in fact can't really understand how much they hurt guys
contrarianmind: or how much they can
i bleed vodka: no..i understand
i bleed vodka: i understand completely. id feel the same way if i were him
i bleed vodka: i just DIDNT KNOW he felt the way he did
i bleed vodka: if i would have, i would not have mentioned your name
contrarianmind: nod
contrarianmind: can i comment on something? it's criticism but i'll try to make it constructive.
i bleed vodka: sure..
contrarianmind: sometimes you're very single minded
contrarianmind: and in that quest to achieve your goal you don't really notice what people say to you
contrarianmind: you didn't notice what i was trying to say
contrarianmind: and i've sat here and watched damian type to you, obviously enamored
contrarianmind: and you never even noticed.
i bleed vodka: I don't like people beating around the bush. Maybe I'm dense. I like when people are blunt about things. When people come out and say what they
mean.
contrarianmind: not dense.
contrarianmind: just singleminded.
contrarianmind: and being blunt isn't being very gentle, sometimes.
i bleed vodka: I know
i bleed vodka: I mean..
i bleed vodka: I dont know.
i bleed vodka: :
i bleed vodka: :-(
contrarianmind: damian and me are very very alike
contrarianmind: we're both subtle
contrarianmind: not overt.
contrarianmind: but the difference is
contrarianmind: he's free to care for you
contrarianmind: and i am not.
i bleed vodka: Well, just let me tell you this...
contrarianmind: ?
i bleed vodka: The things he said to me, most girls would have taken as "wow, this dude likes me"...
i bleed vodka: I'm different. I have no self confidence.
i bleed vodka: I have no self esteem.
contrarianmind: well
i bleed vodka: So I don't take it that way. I take it as they're just trying to make me feel better..
contrarianmind: do you think i do?
contrarianmind: none
contrarianmind: zero
contrarianmind: absofuckinglutely zilch
contrarianmind: and you know what makes it worse
contrarianmind: girls DO lie to me
contrarianmind: all the time
i bleed vodka: I'm sorry
i bleed vodka: I do my best to be open and honest with everyone.
i bleed vodka: I do a damn good job, too.
contrarianmind: doesn't matter. no one is 100% honest. not me, not you, no one.
i bleed vodka: just, let me know that you will be my friend, and i can talk to you about anything, and get advice from you, if need be..
contrarianmind: i can do that. i can be friends. but more, i doubt.
i bleed vodka: all i want is friends
contrarianmind: you seemed to want a lot more.
i bleed vodka: in a way, i *do*....but..im not ready for it...and not with someone who's 2000 miles away...
contrarianmind: i told you nearly from the beginning i wasn't.. :/
i bleed vodka: i know
i bleed vodka: and im sorry
contrarianmind: i was a little uncomfortable when you pushed it
i bleed vodka: i wish you would have told me that..
contrarianmind: it's not because of your physical attributes, obviously. and it's not because you have a bad personality, you have a nice one.
i bleed vodka: but then..remember when i asked you to let me know if i was being a pain...and that i was persistent..and you said i WASNT being a pain..and it was
good that i was persistent..
contrarianmind: it's called loneliness.
i bleed vodka: well then i definitely dont want to be someone to fill the void for a moment in time
contrarianmind: and i am telling you now that you don't need to.
i bleed vodka: thank you for being honest with me
contrarianmind: i care enough to not hurt you
i bleed vodka: :-)
contrarianmind signed off at 4:50:02 PM. 
