Knowing

 

By Fallen Miasma

 

Summary: Anya’s thoughts about death. Spoilers for the BtVS Finale.

 

 

 

 

“To know, is to know that you know nothing.”  --Confucius

 

 

 

 

            She wonders why people have to die, just like she did when Joyce died.

 

            She says it isn’t fair, and they tell her nothing in life is fair.

 

            “Why?” She asks plaintively and they can’t look at her, they turn away from her. They are always turning away from her.

 

            She can’t sleep at night, looking out at the darkness through the window and wondering who really knows. Who has the answer to all of life’s riddles?

 

            The end is near, she knows that. She wishes she could say she’s not afraid to die, like they do in all the movies. But they say that telling the truth is better.

 

            So she tells the darkness that she is afraid to die. She wants to live, to reconcile with Xander and have little kids running around in yard like in the commercials. She wants to feel the sunshine on her face and the wind.

 

            But she knows she’s going to die.

 

            She isn’t sure how this knowing came. It was as simple as breathing, waking up in the morning, looking the mirror and knowing that soon she won’t breath again.

 

            She’s afraid that she’ll die for nothing. That The First will snuff out her existence easily, without a second thought.  If she goes, she wants it to save someone else. She’s afraid that her whole life, lengthened so far beyond the norm, will be forgotten. She wants to be remembered. Is that pride? Is it bad to think this? She doesn’t know, and there’s no one to ask.

 

            Xander. She regrets dying because of the pain she’ll cause him. Love’s fucked up is her motto. It’s supposed to be wonderful, but it only causes people pain.

 

            Why do people have friends or family if they’re just going to die and hurt them? She wants to know. She wants to know everything. But there’s no time.

 

            She slashes wildly with the sword, aware of the petrified Andrew behind her. She wants to save him. She doesn’t love him. But she does. She wants to give the world to everyone. Is that why people die?

 

            The Bringers behind her spring, and within moments she is dead. Andrew calls her name, knowing she died to save him. “Why?” He asks. Only she knows.

 

Death used to be a word with no meaning. But now she knows.

 

           

 

Notes: I cracked under the pressure and read the script for the finale. And the sadness!!! I decided not to write a Spike story—I like him but I’m not much of a Spuffy fan. Plus I was beyond pissed at Joss for killing off Anya, my favorite character (and she is, even though I like to kill her off in my fics). So I wrote a little depressed fic. Happy now, Joss? *grr* R&R if you feel like it. Flames are fire and fire is good so happy flames.