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HOGS NOT KOSHER: SCHOOL SEEKS NEW MASCOT


By Heather Thigpen


The melodious call, Woooo! Pig! Souie!, will cease to reverberate around the campus of the University of Arkansas as school authorities announced today that the revered Razorback hog will no longer serve as the school’s mascot.

University president Goober Thigpen said that protests by minority students have compelled the Board of Trustees to abandon the popular porcine symbol in favor a less controversial school icon. “In this day of political correctness we just have to be more sensitive about the the feelings of our campus minorities,” Thigpen said.

The Board’s action was the result of protests by Jewish members of the school’s student body. Senior Bubba Lipshitz, President of Hillel Student Organization for campus Jews, said that he speaks for Jewish students past and present when he says he is tired of being surrounded with reminders of pork throughout the campus. “Doesn’t the administrative appreciate that Jews find pork repugnant? What is particularly hard to take is to have to cheer for pork at sporting events. I’d sooner try to circumcise an Arab than cheer for pork,” Lipschitz added.

Hillel-member Heather Horowitz felt that there were there were many other possible “more kosher” mascots that could represent the school without offending anyone. “Like you could call them the Arkansas Serpants, and everyone could make like a hissing sound at the football games, and that would be fun, “ she said. However, the serpant proposal was quickly rejected by the Trustees as a result of protests by campus Christian snake handlers. The Arkansas Racoons, another popular suggestion, was also rejected “for obvious reasons,” said Trustee Clyde Thigpen.

The university chose the Razorbacks as its mascot at its founding in recognition of the fact that these hogs run wild throughout the state, and represent the chief source of sustenance for the majority of its inbred, toothless, backward, ignorant, superstitious, poverty-stricken, debt-ridden, pellegra-gripped rural population.

CAMPUS HEADLINES:

Student Senate passes resolution asking library to buy more books with pictures.

Coach Nutt: “More emphasis on recruiting homo sapiens next year.”

Campus police bust sorority-run escort service.

DNA test proves Nutt Broyles’ love child.

Odor, health concerns prompt admin to obtain Port-o-lets for campus.

Genital herpes down 2% last semester, reports student health clinic.

Kappa Omega sorority wins top homecoming display award with S&M theme.

Graduation rate approaching 20% says upbeat Chancellor’s report.

Festering zits, girth no handicap for newly-elected Homecoming Queen.

Former Hog QB Trustee of Year at state prison.

First annual Nolan Richardson Congeniality Award to be presented this weekend.

Hillel president beaten senseless by hooded thugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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| 8.21- The Anarchist and Slackers

Aug. 24, 2002
 

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