Feel free to laugh...
The World's funniest joke - pfffft... yeah right
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:
Top joke in UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Top joke in USA:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia:
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Top joke in Belgium:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
12 things you never say to a cop!!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Computer Gender
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns (unlike their English counterparts) are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the
word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately
enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"),because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won!
One Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Moreover, think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach to the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a
worldly thing. Take a little more time. Try to think of another wish -- one that might not be so
materialistic or dramatic and that you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand
women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
ancient chinese proverbs:
(1)man who run behind car become exhausted
(2)man who run in front of car become tired
chicken jokes:
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To get to the other side
Why did the rooster cross the road ?
To cockadoodle dooo something
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road ?
To prove he wasn't chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
To get to the other slide
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the shell station
Why did the horse cross the road ?
Because the chicken needed a day off
Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !
Why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
Because it was stuck to the chicken !
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It wanted to get to the other site !
Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do chickens work ?
Around the cluck !
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo cluck !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because talk is cheep !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She lays hand gren-eggs !
What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
She laid a sidewalk !
Why did the chick disappoint his mother ?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Is chicken soup good for your health ?
Not if you're the chicken !
Personal joke:
did you say kentington??
You may or may not find this humorous but this is the truce that isaac and i hold to prevent future breast cancer - we don't like nipple cripples!!
Click here for a full transcript of the truce
You've been a wonderful crowd - Thank you and good night!!
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