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Picture of the moment

Look for this movie to be coming to your local theater in the coming year. Staring The Rocket, JIM, and The Baron.



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News

Preview Movie Clip of APS Bowling now online!
For your enjoyment, a short, 30 second video clip can be downloaded from the movie page. Clip
here for the first ever APS Bowling preview clip available to the world wide web, entitled "The Rocket Shot".

Team APS defeats Team Yipanzo
A stunning and well expected victory by Team APS over their first match against their Japanese Jewish Counterparts increases the momentum already established by Team APS. Click here for a full report.

The Rocket announced as most popular celebrity in the world!!
Due to the recent upsurge of popularity that Team APS has gotten through the recent screenings of APS Bowling, The Rocket has been announced the single most popular celebrity in the world, up from 6th only weeks earlier, which was up from 25th only days earlier. To read a full report, click here, or view the list

Controversy of Team APS vs. Team SEZ
An unusual and controvesial match was played out between Team APS and Team SEZ. Click here for a full report.
Recovered document sheds new light on pin monkey scandal
Please read the full report of the controversy, including the newly acquired information.

Team SEZ frontman condemns actions of pin monkey
In a shocking development, Team SEZ frontman "JON" has written an e-mail to scandals@apsbowling.com, condemning the actions of the pin monkey on January 12th. Click here for the full report of the controversy, including the new e-mail.

Mourning after New Year's Eve
The traditional day of the new year was greeted with celebration and greef, as opponent Stephen "The Enforcer" Litvack passes away due to careless eating by Aaron "JIM" Kramer. Click here for a full report.

Filming of "APS Bowling" the movie begins!
In their first ever on-screen roles, filming of "APS Bowling" has officially begun. The full length documentary features The Rocket, The Baron, and JIM as themselves. Please check out our movie page. Stay tuned for preview scenes as the filming continues.

Powerhouse members of Team APS crush Team CHAT
With the absence of Team APS captain Aaron "The Baron" Blatt, the remaining Powerhouse Members of Team APS surprisingly prevailed over the violent current of Team CHAT. To read the full report of this historic match, click here.

Team APS to all other teams: "Bring it on"
Team APS has issued a challenge to all other teams that think they can bowl. They have also issued some direct challenges to certain teams. To read the current challenge issued by Team APS, read the challenge section.

Team APS defeats Team ICS
In an official 3 on 3 game, Team APS narrowly defeated team ICS. This was the biggest challenge to Team APS yet. To read a full report of this crucial game, click here. To view a picture story of the match, click here.

The Baron comes through in the clutch
During the Team APS vs. Team ICS game, Team APS received a huge scare, and at one point the thought that they might loose passed through one member's head, before he scolded himself for having the thought. However, due in part to The Baron making some extremely crucial shots, Team APS was able to narrowly defeat Team ICS. Many of you have already heard about "The Shot Heard "Round The World", by The Baron. To read a full report of The Baron's performance in this crucial game, click here.

Official Team APS pictures now online!
Due to popular demand, pictures of Team APS during their games are now posted. They are spread around the site, and you will see most of them in Action Shots and Picture Stories With this announcement, we expect parties on the streets across the world.

NT folds under pressure
As expected, two members of team NT picked up on the vibe of team APS's overall excellence, and ran away screaming. The game is now rescheduled to this Saturday. To read a full report, click here.

Team APS impressed by performance of Sam "SAM" Kirshner
In an official team APS practice, after the match with NT was delayed one week (read a full report of that event here), team APS allowed APS alumnus Sam "SAM" Kirshner to practice with them. Although he had not bowled in years, the APS graduate showed his natural abilities by getting a score higher than team captain Aaron "The Baron" Blatt. SAM will continue keeping up team moral in official APS Bowling matches. If he can handle the pressure, and improve his natural bowling abilities, then things could look good for the future of the current NT student.

Team APS defeats Team TAZ!
With a score of 256, team APS completely dimolishes team TAZ. And team TAZ didn't even have the incredibly spiffy bowling shirts that team APS has. Click here to view a full report.

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Rules and Regulations

APS Bowling is a complex concept that relies on constant rules and regulations to keep afloat. Below is the document entitled "Rules and Regulations" of APS Bowling:

Section A

From Victoria to St. Johns, from Toronto to Iqualiut, from good to bad, from bad to worse, and from worse to evil, the following code of conduct, rules, and regulations, shall be obeyed with utmost respect and precision. In the course of human history, man has striven for morality. First it was obtained by the ethics that religious practice dispensed. Next, kings and other governmental leaders forced their supposed morals on its subjects. In our modern day and age, corrupt governments fog and discombobulate our morals that we hold so dear to us. Thus, it is imperative for human kind to obey these rules to advance to the next level of morality.

Section B

He who follows these rules shall find goodness in his heart, and a spot next to Team APS in the bowling lanes. He who breaks these laws will find his heart torn from chest, his body tangled in the underworld of scandal, and his team temporarily disqualified from all APS Bowling tournaments, and games against any member of Team APS, including all subs, and break off teams.

Section C

Article I

1.0 - Legitimate games must be conducted with all rules and regulations in place.

1.1- Only the first game is counted, whereas all subsequent games are simply exhibition games, played with sportsmanship and good heart.

1.2 - All games that are counted as exhibition by Article 1.1 cannot under any circumstances be counted.

1.3 - Thou who arrives over 15 minutes late than the pre decided time arranged unanimously by all participants is to have his team disqualified from any counting game, opening the door for exhibition games.

1.4 - No shirt, no shoes, no service.

1.5 - If it is decided that no service is applicable by section 1.4, an exhibition game shall be played.

Article II

2.0 - All rules in Article II concern legitimate games, as defined by article 1.0.

2.1 - All games consist of 10 frames of 2 shots each, disregarding strikes and the 10th frame.

2.2 - Regardless of what is written on the right breast of The Rocketís spiffy bowling shirt, the 11th frame does not exist in reality, but is rather an abstract concept referring to the post-game consumption of alcohol, which is usually only understood by those with high wit.

2.3 - All games must be played with an equal number of players on each team, whether it be 2, 3, or 4. Substitute players must be arranged before the match begins. All substitutions during, after, or shortly after the beginning of matches result in an automatic disqualification, and an abrupt exhibition game.

Article III

3.0 - All rules in Article III concern status Pin Monkeys

3.1 - Pin Monkey is defined as one who manages, cleans, waxes (consistently), and caters to bowlers at a bowling alley.

3.2 - The pin monkey's duties include keeping the pins in an upright, vertical, proporly placed position, and seeing to it that all parts of the bowling alley remain at at least 3.5/10 sanitary level as defined by the United Nations Sanitary Commision (UNSC).

3.3 - In no way, shape or form, is a Pin Monkey ever permitted to get invlolved in the outcome of any match through the knoble duties of Pin Monkey work.

3.4 - Pin Monkeys must remain imparcial in all aspects of their work. Bribes are in no way an exception to this rule

3.5 - If it is determined in articles 3.3 through, to, and including 3.4, that the Pin Monkey has abused their position, the game is discounted immidiately, and no exchibition game shall be played.

3.6 - A Pin Monkey is a very respectable position, and should be carried out with atmost respect for bowlers and fellow Pin Monkeys. A Pin Monkey should have a respect-respect relationship with bowlers.

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Bios

Team APS is made up of three excelent bowlers. Equiped with a completely undefeated record for first games of the night, and incredibly spiffy "APS Bowling" bowling shirts, Team APS is completely unstoppable. Here are the people that make up this team.

Aaron "JIM" Kramer
Aaron "BRN" Blatt
Alex "RKT" Minkin

Aaron "JIM" Kramer
JIM is an incredible member of team APS. He has very good form, and often starts off each game with a strike. He has the record of most points earned for team APS, and most points scored by anyone in the first game of the night game over many opposing teams. He is also the tallest player on team APS, which often gives Team APS an important advantage. JIM, also known as J-Dawg, enjoys candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and hopes to some day rid the world of all evil, evil doers, and those who support the evil being done by those evil, evil doers. Many people are surprised when they find out that JIM is actually an acronym for Jewish Inner-City MoFo. "JIM is one of those bad MoFo's, aint nobody wann mess wit him, or else they's head be blown off or somethin" said one of JIM's CHAT colleagues. With his good time buddies, JIM pursues an active interest in Hebrew studies, as he currently attends CHAT where he excels in his 4 Hebrew courses. Also, CHAT breeds a young generation of Jews to excel in rabbinic studies and bowling. J-Dawg is encouraged by friends, family, and well-known scholars to be a Rabbi, but claims his future points towards Forest Hill. One thing you fans of Team APS all know is that JIM has had a very obscure medical problem since the age of 6.5. It will often cause him to pass out at random moments during a game, which often lowers the teams moral spirit, since members will often mistake him lifeless body for death. Team APS often takes these passing out experiences as lessons that anyone can die at any time. You could wake up dead tomorrow. In addition, JIM cannot be photographed indoors, because the brightness from the flash is usually enough to send JIM into an out-of-control seizure. A wise man once asked JIM, "How do you manage to bowl so well so consistently?" JIM proceeded to look up and said, "My dear friend, a good bowler is one who never leaves the ally. Yes, I do shower from time to time, but even then my heart is still in the lanes." The wise man looked up at JIM to listen as he continued, "My mental preparation for a following game begins with the completion of the last." It should be noted by all APS fans, that though JIM's last name is Kramer, and they have a similar hairstyle, there is no direct genetic link between the well-known bowler, Aaron Kramer, and the quosi-famous actor, Cosmo Kramer, from the hit TV series, Sienfeld. Though they are not technically related, JIM makes it his life long mission to someday meet the TV star, and possibly get his autograph. JIM's words of advice to anyone who wants to get into bowling are, "Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long." It can easily be said that without JIM, team APS would be in the gutter.


Here is a recent picture of JIM, taken seconds after bowling a perfect game

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Aaron "BRN" Blatt

BRN is the captain of team APS. It was his idea to put together the team and buy the incredibly spiffy bowling shirts. With his razor-sharp wit, the fact that he is really, really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking, and his patented "who cares, it's only bowling" attitude, Aaron "The Baron" Blatt has been known to skin hearts and knees with his other patented "I'm gonna win no matter what" attitude. Although The Baron doesn't posses the bowling skills of a good bowler, what he lacks in talent he makes up for with good looks and positive overall attitudes which boosts team moral. To quote The Rocket, "When I first met Aaron, what struck me first was that he was really, really, really, really, ridiculously good looking. Then I noticed he couldn't bowl, but I was still very impressed with his good looks." JIM once said, "The Baron is so ridiculously good looking it makes it hard to concentrate on bowling, but you kind of get used to it after a while." Although on the outside beats the heart of a kind, sensitive, good-looking man, on the inside beats the heart of a fierce good-looking competitor. Through his competitiveness and will to win, JIM and The Rocket immediately noticed that he was the most important member of the team, and thus issued him the captaincy. Aaron proudly displays the "C" on his APS Bowling shirt, but knows with great power comes great responsibility, and once said about the captaincy honor, "It is my gift, it is my burden." The name "The Baron" has become synonymous in the bowling community with the words terror, fear, horror, fright, dread, shock, panic, and last but not least, extreme handsomeness. People are always talking about mach 3, especially since the new triple blade shaving system came out. However, few are aware that before Gillette introduced this revolutionary shaving system to the world, The Baron was known as "Mach 4" due to his blistering roll of the ball. Sometimes people like to poke fun at his talent (they are obviously jealous) and remark that he is less like Mach 4, but would fit more into the description of a Mach 1, or sometimes Mach 2. Nevertheless, The Baron can take a joke, and laughs it off with charm and a snappy comeback. Usually you can catch him saying, "Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone. That hurts." This seems to be an effective strategy for a comeback, because people realize that behind his good looks lives a real human being with feelings and emotions. A wise man once said, "The Baron is to good at bowling and being good-looking as E is to MC2." To sum up, Aaron is like a shining star on a black sky, A chocolate caramel twist in a box of sour quincelogs. Before The Baron took up bowling, he was an astronaut and walked on the moon on several occasions. The Baron wants you to know that, "He who fills his pockets with the stones of misdeed shall sink in the river of good fortune." The team loves him! It can easily be said that without The Baron, team APS would be in the gutter.


Aaron "The Baron" Blatt before his bowling career took off


Here is a more recent picture of The Baron, proving that he is really, really, really ridiculously good looking.

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Alex "RKT" Minkin
Alex "The Rocket" Minkin is another very important member of the team. His name "The Rocket" was given to him by his teammates, when they noticed that his bowling shot went half the speed of sound, and faster than the speed of smell. Although he doesn't like the name, The Rocket knows that a nickname is something that has to be given, and once you get it, you are stuck with it. "Sort of like Gonorrhea." He says. The Rocket personifies what we look for in terms of enthusiasm, team spirit, and overall excellence in the sport of bowling. In fact, President Castro once said, "Alex Minkin is the reason I got into politics in the first place. I always admired his overall excellence in the sport of bowling." He will often go on streaks where he will get all of the pins down each time. He also invented team APS's official chant. ("APS! APS! APS!") When asked about the team, The Rocket usually will make a metaphore. "Our team is like a pack of gum," The Rocket says. "Each piece by itself tasts good, but not as good as when you put the entire pack in your mouth at once. But you have to make sure to take the wrappers off first." The Rocket also has a strong sense of social responsibility. When he gets a turkey in bowling, he gives a homeless person a turkey. When he has a game without a gutterball, he helps someone who lives in the gutter. "It is kind of like my way of giving back to the community that has given me so much." But he will usually add that he doesn't eat turkey. "I could honestly say that team APS is the best team in the entire world. And that is true by any way of measuring it. We are the best team physically, skilled, attractiveness, effortness, idealist, uniformness, and all other possible ways you can measure a team. We are simply the best." But The Rocket will make sure that his skills as a bowler do not make him cocky in any way. With his "11th frame" catch phrase sewed on to his bowling shirt, The Rocket is a bowler you do not want to be up against. His life message: "If you don't go into the tiger's cave, you are not going to get its cub." It can easily be said that without The Rocket, team APS would be in the gutter.


Fidel Castro (above) tells Alex "The Rocket" Minkin that he is his inspiration for politics, and that he is a very good bowler.


Here is a recent picture of The Rocket, taken shortly after a succesfull Rocket Shot

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