[Chris and Loree are sitting in their normal places.]
Loree: Welcome back. Today we have something very special planned.
Chris: Yes. It is the beginning of a new semester here. And so we get some new freshmen to fill our empty rooms.
Loree: They’re going to hate it here. They’ll become just like us in a few weeks time. Do you remember when you first moved in?
Chris: Oh yes. I remember the year before all the current residents of the third floor arrived. We’ll have to broadcast some of that someday. Such a pleasant time it was.
Loree: How many of the new guys do you think will make it more than one semester here?
Chris: Judging from past experience, about half. Maybe a bit less.
[Darryl walks in.]
Darryl: Are you finished yet? I need this room for the freshmen meet and greet.
Loree: We’re going to film it.
[Darryl considers this for a moment.]
Darryl: Well, I guess it can’t hurt anything. Everybody will be here in a minute or so. I just finished helping the new guys bring their stuff in.
[Sure enough, the rest of the second floor’s residents walk in over the next few minutes. They stand up against the walls, waiting. Except for Doby, who stumbles in, collapses on the sofa and immediately starts snoring. Shortly after, two new faces walk in and nervously stand in the middle of the room, all the other spaces being taken. A red vixen and a small female humming bird.]
Darryl: Hi. My name is Darryl and I am your Resident Assistant. Welcome to Richter Hall, your new home for however long you can stand it. My job here is to enforce University rules on this floor and to help with any problems you may have. I’m sorry, but I’m required to go over these rules in exhaustive detail. Rule one, no alcoholic beverages are allowed in this Hall…
[As Darryl continues to drone on, Dave and Chris start whispering to each other.]
Dave: That’s a real sexy fox.
Chris: I don’t think so.
Dave: What’s the matter with you? She’s beautiful.
Chris: No, she isn’t.
Dave: What’s wrong with her?
Chris: Quite a bit.
Darryl: …and that’s all of the rules I need to inform you two about. Now, why don’t the rest of you guys act nice and introduce yourselves to the freshwomen?
Fred: [shakes their hands] I’m Fred.
Jim: [shakes hands] Nice to meet ya. I’m Jim Breckinridge and this is my friend Chris Edwards.
Loree: [smiling] I’m Loree. I think you’ll find living here to be a…unique experience.
[Jen walks up and hugs both of them]
Jen: Call me Jen. If you want, we can go out together sometime.
[Behind her,
Elsa: My name is Elsa. I am sure ve vill all get along splendidly.
Susan: [narrows her eyes at the vixen] For some indescribable reason, I don’t like you.
Bird: What about me?
Susan: [turning to humming bird] I probably won’t like you either. My name is Susan in case you are interested.
[The vixen and hummingbird glance at each other and turn to Darryl.]
Vixen: Is she the worst one here?
[Darryl walks over to Doby and shakes him into something resembling consciousness. Doby looks around and blearily stares at the freshmen.]
Doby: Hey. I’m Doby. You chicks wanna get drunk and have sex with me?
Vixen: No.
Bird: No.
Doby: Eh, what good are you?
[He promptly resumes his dog nap.]
Darryl: Don’t be too offended. He’s sleeping off the after effects of a “new semester” party. I think. It may have been an “end of weekend” party. Or was it a “start of football season” party? Some party anyway. I can never keep track. He’ll be more pleasant in a few hours.
Chris: Susan, however, is like this all the time.
Susan: Go gargle some arsenic.
Darryl: Oh yes. Almost forgot you two. Ladies, these two in the corner here are David and-
[The vixen leaps into Chris’ arms.]
Vixen: Chris! Good to see you again! It’s been too long! You’re cuter than I remember.
[Chris dumps the girl onto the floor.]
Chris: What are you doing here, Katie? I told you to never come to DeMontfort, let alone Richter Hall.
Katie: How could I stay away? The way you described it makes it all sound so exciting!
[Everyone else is looking at Katie and Chris awkwardly, except for Susan and Doby. Susan is seething and Doby is in the middle of a dream where the two girls had answered “yes” to his inquiry. You know, it was probably a mistake to give you insight into Doby’s dreams. Forget I said that.]
Darryl: Is it safe to assume you two know each other?
Chris: [surprised] I thought you would have figured it out long ago. Check the roster.
[Darryl flips through papers on his clipboard and reads off a bit.]
Darryl: “Incoming freshmen: Julia Fischer and Katelin Morrison.”
Dave: Morrison?
Loree: Siblings?
[Katie nods. Susan’s demeanor brightens perceptibly, but she’s still scowling at Katie.]
Susan: No wonder I don’t like you. Another mangy Morrison. And I thought one was bad enough.
Darryl: Why don’t you give them the tour of the hall, Susan?
Susan: It’ll be my pleasure.
[Susan walks out of the room, followed by a hesitant Katie and Julia. Dave turns to Chris.]
Dave: I don’t suppose-
Chris: Absolutely not. You touch, you die.
Darryl: Now, now, Chris. Turnabout is fair play.
Chris: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?
Darryl: I don’t remember hearing you say you’re sorry.
Chris: I shouldn’t. It was an honest mistake. I never got anywhere with her anyway. Besides, it’s hard to apologize with a broken jaw.
Darryl: Err, sorry ‘bout that. I didn’t know my own strength.
[Cut to out in the hallway. Susan is leading the two girls to the elevator.]
Susan: So, what are you studying?
Julia: Interior design.
Katie: Physical therapy.
Susan: [disdainfully] Ah, so you’re not studying anything. Came here for four years of fun? I’m afraid Darryl has not adequately prepared you for living in this dormitory. There are certain unspoken laws in this place and we on the second floor do our best to ignore or circumvent them. You need to know about them. Right now.
[The freshmen reply in joking tones.]
Julia: No parties before finals?
Katie: Bringing in your friends to stay in your dorm room overnight?
[Susan tenses and instantly turns around, grabs the girls by their tube tops, and slams them into the wall. She smiles grimly.]
Susan: Nothing so trivial as that. I don’t know what your brother may have told you, Katie. But both of you should know something about what goes on here. Right above your heads lies the most hazardous place on campus. In fact, the residents of that floor are so notorious that almost every person on campus thinks that they and only they are the only residents here. The third floor residents themselves believe that. We are ignored and abused on a daily basis. Injuries and property damage are an everyday occurrence. More than one resident of the two lower floors has left within a week of their arrival.
Choosing to live here is an idiocy of the highest order, vixen. Julia is just damned by unlucky chance. You both will disappear. Your former friends are gone. Your family: a fading memory. You are no longer a part of the system. You are below the system. You will be remembered only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You are comic characters that will never be remembered for anything. Just another two pretty faces that, in the end, have no impact on anything at all and will likely never be seen nor heard by anyone but us on the second floor.
Katie: Is this your way of trying to scare freshmen? I’m not afraid.
Julia: Like, duh! How stupid do you think we are?
[Susan grins. Without speaking, she releases the two of them and presses the elevator button. The doors open and Susan walks in. She gestures for the others to follow. They get in.]
Susan: [cheerfully] Going up.
[The elevator goes up one floor and opens it’s doors.]
Susan: [sing-song] Third floor! Murderous meeses, hot-blooded reptiles, sarcastic scaredy cats, and an entire menagerie of misfits, maroons, and the mal-adjusted! Everybody out!
[Julia and Katie step out hesitantly.]
Susan: Goodbye.
[She shuts the elevator doors and returns to the second floor. She jams the elevator open and waits, occasionally glancing at her watch. A series of THUDS, BAMS, and a big BOOM can be heard. The building shakes slightly. Darryl walks by, looking concerned.]
Darryl: Watch out, Susan. I’ve heard the third floor is bringing in a new couch today. Where are Julia and Katie?
Susan: Bathroom.
Darryl: Together?
Susan: I think it’s a ditzy woman thing. I never understood it myself.
[Chris walks by.]
Chris: I always thought that Katie came from the shallow end of the family gene pool.
Darryl: When they get out, tell them to leave the building for the rest of the day. It’s not safe here when the third floor is redecorating.
Chris: Yeah, that’s why I’m leaving now.
[Chris walks opens the stairwell door and walks out.]
Chris: [off camera] WAAAAaaauuuugghhh!
WHUMP
[Darryl and Susan run to the door and look out. The stairwell has been destroyed. Kevin Nekohashi is dangling in front of them on a rope.]
Kevin: -the stairway destroyed, we can now haul the couch straight up instead of an inefficient diagonal…yeah…
[Susan and Darryl stare incredulously at the orange cat as he is hauled up to the third floor. They then lean over the edge to see a small pile of red fur and green feathers atop a larger pile of concrete and steel tubing.]
Darryl: You okay down there?
[Chris pulls himself up.]
Chris: I’m okay. I’ve done this before. And the freshmen broke my fall. [looks around ] How did they pull this off? The sheer physics are mind-boggling.
Darryl: I try to avoid such questions. They just keep me awake at night. Are Katie and Julie all right?
[Chris helps them up.]
Julia: CanIgohomenow?Ireallyreallyreallydon’tlikeithereandit’smakingmelikeallnervousandhyperandstuff.
Katie: My God. It was all true. Every word of it. I’m so sorry I came here, Chris.
Chris: They’re acclimating well.
Susan: Welcome to Richter-2, girls!
[Starts to fade to black]
Darryl: Susan? How did they get from the bathroom to here?